Petting the Landmine Saintess

One day, the question just popped into my head out of nowhere.

What are the actual benefits of being loved by that Saintess?

Maybe I'd been looking at it too negatively all this time.

As much of a handful as she was, a Saintess was still a Saintess.

Even if she was a mentally unstable Menhera Saintess, in this world she was the most powerful being right under God.

So there had to be at least a few perks, right?

Maybe getting reincarnated into this body was actually the best possible deal?

That's what I'd been thinking just moments ago.

But when I really thought about it, the only practical use I could come up with was telling my parents, "Mother, Father, I prefer women over men," and using her as my grand coming-out moment.

Marriage with the Saintess? There was no way that was possible.

Was a Saintess even allowed to get married in the first place?

Besides, didn't all priests take a vow of chastity as a basic rule?

Then what about marrying someone else, excluding the Saintess?

First of all, I wasn't gay.

So by process of elimination, that meant marriage to a woman.

Wouldn't the Saintess send me my romantic partner chopped into pieces the very next day?

Or maybe she'd regenerate the pieces and then send them back to me.

No matter what I did, wasn't I going to end up on a boat regardless?

Then what about a vow of celibacy?

That would be an act without any justification.

Despite how I looked now, the original owner of this body was a noble.

In medieval culture, marriage was a tool.

Unless I became a cleric, marriage was mandatory.

And even if I did that, a dilemma arose.

Become a cleric > grow even closer to the Saintess.

Get married, to anyone > the Saintess takes ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠care of it.

Don't get married > the household won't accept it.

Force a marriage > the Saintess won't accept it.

Countless options, and every single one came up as a wrong answer.

Just as I was agonizing over which blow would hurt the least—

"My lady, you have a guest."

Right on time, the source of all my worries came visiting again today.

"Rosaria, I brought a gift with me today as well."

At least her smile was truly beautiful.

If only her inner self were even half as beautiful as her appearance.

No, wait, now that I thought about it, that pissed me off.

You were supposedly a well-behaved darling outside.

Where did the reincarnation of the goddess go, and why did I get this yandere instead?

Why was she only not the goddess's reincarnation when it came to me?

'No... maybe because she loves Rosaria, this is her true self.'

While I was thinking that, the Saintess—who had somehow closed the distance until she was right in front of me before I even noticed—carefully placed a cookie she had baked herself into my mouth.

"How is it, Rosaria? I baked it myself."

It tasted good.

It had the feel of a high-class dish made with high-class ingredients.

But I was afraid to swallow it, worried there might be some kind of trace left behind.

"Are you concerned because of what happened with the chocolate that time?"

Yeah, that's it, that's right. That's why I couldn't eat this cookie.

"Please rest assured. I didn't play any such pranks this time. It contains only my love for you, Rosaria."

Trusting those words, I swallowed the cookie.

She had accepted the feedback and adjusted, hadn't she?

If I weren't in the position of being completely at her mercy, I would have wanted to at least pat her on the head.

"...Would you perhaps pat my head?"

Was this that telepathy thing?

It was an immensely bewildering situation.

Regardless of my confusion, the Saintess pressed her body closer and closer.

"...It would be presumptuous of me to do such a thing."

Words I blurted out without giving them much thought.

But with that one sentence, the Saintess's world collapsed.

Wearing an expression that looked as though she had received an enormous shock, she broke out in a cold sweat and showed symptoms of a severe panic disorder.

"Pre... presumptuous...? How could that be? Rosaria, have I perhaps done something wrong?"

With an expression that looked ready to burst into tears at any moment, the Saintess grabbed both my hands.

A dark fog of emotion rapidly erupted and filled the room.

'If I mess this up, something really bad is about to happen, isn't it?'

Even someone with zero social awareness would feel the danger here.

A cow being led to the slaughterhouse looked happier; the Saintess's face was that of someone who had lost the world about twice over.

"That... that isn't what I meant. It's simply that someone like me is unworthy of touching someone like you, Saintess..."

Tense, I blurted out an answer I didn't even know was the right one.

But for that lovesick fool, the effect was perfect.

As soon as the formula my fault ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠= false registered, she clung to me like a puppy wagging its tail again and spoke in an utterly elated voice.

"How could that ever be? You are my everything, Rosaria. You come before my own heart. So please don't carry such foolish worries. I always want to be yours, you see. I love you. So please love me back, Rosaria."

The Saintess unleashed a torrent of her innermost feelings without any filter.

Before I knew it, she had buried her face in my chest and was bobbing her head, appealing for me to pat her.

"...As you wish."

I decided to think of it as petting a rather large cat.

Thinking that way would make it less burdensome.

With a heart almost like that of a mother, I stroked the Saintess's head.

"Ah... I love you, Rosaria. Truly, I love it so much."

The Saintess, having entered vibration mode, couldn't contain her body in her joy.

...I was truly fortunate that her expression didn't enter my line of sight.

Because, honestly, it would probably be terrifying.

"I wish time would stop, just like this."

I wished it would speed up a hundred times.

Even patting her like this scared me half to death.

Wait, wasn't this an act of insubordination? Was I going to be executed for it?

Ah, but before that, the Saintess would kill everyone who tried to execute me, wouldn't she?

So did that make this act a super-legal act permitted by God?

I entertained such crude thoughts as I petted the bomb before my eyes.

"...Come to think of it, Rosaria, how do you feel about me?"

Then, suddenly, the bomb attempted to detonate.

A bomb that had grown its own arms and struck a match.

Instantly, a state of emergency went off inside my head.

Was it the red wire or the blue wire?

Honestly, it felt like both would make it explode.

Was I choosing between instant death and death by excruciating pain?

But on a question like this, the longer I hesitated, the worse it got.

The act of hesitating itself was a fact painful enough to approach death for this glass-mental ocean sunfish of a Saintess.

...The time it took for all that to race through my head was 0.2 seconds.

When facing death, the brain's rotation accelerates excessively. Having personally experienced that the saying about seeing your life flash before your eyes in that short time was no lie, the words I finally uttered were, for now, bait to gauge the situation.

"I like you."

Anyway, just say that you like her.

Besides, it wasn't as if I actually disliked her.

Even if she was bothersome and irritating, disliking someone who came all the way to visit me just because I was sick would be forsaking basic human decency, wouldn't it?

Anyway, it was just as I tossed out that bait, which contained not a single lie.

"Hn... hnnk..."

The Saintess suddenly began to cry.

Shit, had I done something wrong?

No, there was no way that was a wrong thing to say.

Just as I thought that, a spark flared through my mind.

'Right, this girl was a crazy bitch.'

There was no way to know what would happen when an idiot—who was so happy just from me saying her name that she couldn't breathe—heard the words "I like you."

The Saintess clung to me, shedding tears of joy like a madwoman.

Yeah, it would be this kind of feeling.

And, simultaneously, she didn't forget to kiss the nape of my neck.

"Thank you, truly, you are an angel, Rosaria."

Wasn't that blasphemy?

Was it okay because she was the Saintess?

"Truly, I love you so much. I love you too. I will love you many times more than you love me."

Uh, yeah, it showed.

Infinity was always bigger than any finite number, no matter what you did.

"Living this moment is such happiness, Rosaria. Would you perhaps keep whispering into my ear? I want to keep feeling this joy that makes my heart feel like it might stop. Please, I beg of you."

A Saintess who reacted with a thousand when given a one.

So, it was immensely burdensome, but when she pressed forward with the attitude of asking the biggest favor of her life, it was hard to refuse.

Therefore, I closed my eyes in advance, for now.

I didn't particularly want to see the expression of a person going mad.

Then, I acted as the Saintess asked.

I swept her long hair aside with my hand.

And then I gently tucked it behind her ear.

Because my eyes were closed, the process wasn't entirely smooth.

My fingers slightly touched the Saintess's skin each time.

I did my best to ignore the perverted sighs she let out whenever that happened.

And then, as she wished, I opened my mouth and recited the sentences I had agonized over, like a tape recorder.

"I love you too, Saintess. I may be too lacking to give you as much love as you give me, but I love you enough to give you all the love I have to offer."

People only hear what they want to hear.

And the Saintess in front of me went around saying exactly that thing she wanted to hear.

I simply copied that model answer sheet and submitted it.

And, as expected, a perfect score.

I could see her biting her lip and trembling.

As if too embarrassed to show her face, she kept her head down,

savoring a joy that seemed ready to make her float away with her entire body.

Then, as if something had occurred to her, she stopped all her movements for a moment.

She then used her hands to touch her face here and there, physically rearranging an expression so twisted it would have been difficult to let anyone see it. She wrapped her arms around the back of my neck and began whispering into my ear.

"...Might I ask for just one more thing, the very last? Even though I'd have no regrets left if I went to heaven right now... would you indulge my foolish greed just one more time, Rosaria?"

The feeling of nervous excitement rising from her breath traveled up my ear.

I could tell how great a discourtesy she felt she was risking to ask this favor, because I could feel her voice trembling slightly under the weight of her tension.

"...If it is your request, Saintess, I shall grant it."

Thus, I submitted another model answer while patting her head.

A groan of "kuh" escaped the Saintess.

Her heart was pounding so hard I could feel it from my ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠side.

So hard, in fact, that I honestly wondered if it might burst.

The favor, which she had been so tense about that she seemed to be wandering the border of life and death, was simple.

"Say my name... and whisper it to me once more."

She had requested an encore using her own name.

"I am... you needn't worry."

Wait, I was worried you'd actually die, though?

"Even if my heart were to stop from the sheer happiness of your whisper, Rosaria... I could revive myself with my divine power, after all."

Long live divine power.

Who would have guessed that divine power was an automated defibrillator guaranteed by God?

"...Canaria."

The guilt that I might be committing murder vanished. Of course, other burdens on my mind remained, but if I didn't say it now, this ocean sunfish of a Saintess would die psychologically.

Of course, even if I said it, she would probably die of something else, but she said herself that that wouldn't kill her, so I had to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠believe her.

"I... I lo..."

But for some reason, my lips wouldn't part easily.

An uncomfortable, burning heat began to bloom in my head,

and I registered the sensation that my own heartbeat was audible to someone else.

Regardless, the water had already been spilled, and backing out was impossible. The number of bombs about to explode had doubled to two.

"...Love... you..."

If I gave the answer after that, both the Saintess and I would die together.

And my body did not come equipped with an automated defibrillator.

Then wouldn't the sacrifice in the end be the Saintess herself?

"Are you... satisfied?"

A heart pounding madly.

And it was the same for Rosaria.

If earlier had been manner mode, now it was earthquake mode.

The Saintess now shaking in my arms had begun to produce tremors strong enough to make me wonder if the bed might break.

"Hic... h-hic!"

The Saintess even got the hiccups on top of everything else.

"Hic! Hic... h-hic!"

The hiccups wouldn't stop.

Not being able to see her face was unsettling, but paradoxically, the one silver lining was precisely that the Saintess couldn't lift her head.

Because my own expression, reflected in the mirror of the far-off vanity, was a mess as well. An embarrassing self-portrait that I could never show anyone was blooming on my face.

In the end, that day, we couldn't separate from each other until the butler came and knocked on the door because the time had come, so I couldn't receive treatment.

Thanks to that, my full recovery was delayed by a day.