Alice's Heartfelt Regret
“Uuuuung...
Somehow it felt like the line between day and night had blurred completely.
As the sudden chill seeped into my body, I jolted awake from the warmth of sleep without even realizing it.
Slowly opening my eyes to the voice right in front of me, I instinctively hugged the soft, warm thing pressing against me.
From the bundle in my arms came a faint, sweet scent—like holding a tiny living creature.
What... is this weird?
Something felt off, but I kept pretending I didn’t notice.
The steady, quiet breathing sounds were strangely comforting.
With every inhale, the familiar warmth on my chest made my head spin.
The emotion that stabbed into my chest from that scent... I had felt it before.
That sharp, stinging guilt I got whenever I came home after doing something wrong, rolling around outside like I was ashamed.
My mother called it the pangs of conscience.
What had I done wrong?
In truth, I had done far too many things wrong.
I slipped out of the house on my own, wandering around until I randomly decided to become an adventurer.
I spent years repeating acts of murder, demanding higher pay, swinging my fists for no reason, until I finally settled down as a mercenary.
But recently, monsters had started rampaging all over the place.
Maybe this was my father’s judgment for what I had done.
So was this war his trial for me?
If I could just survive this moment, I could go back home.
As a dancer who once sang and danced to the god she worshipped, I had never been allowed to commit such sins.
Even if I returned as a broken man, I doubted they would welcome me back.
I stubbornly pushed aside that faint hope.
Now I felt a deep, burning shame that made everything else pale in comparison.
It felt like I had committed an unforgivable crime.
A faint sigh rose from my chest.
I breathed in and out, and the warm air continued to brush against me.
I looked down at my hand.
The soft, human-like form held something solid.
Each time I shifted my grip, a soft sigh escaped my lips.
What the hell is this?
Did I sleep hugging something alive?
Come to think of it, what happened when I got home?
Ah, right... that kid.
The frail little boy I first met in the forest.
He had clearly been driven out of the primitive tribe living at the empire’s edge, who only worship spirits and the logic of power.
He was being taken by the slime when I rushed over and saved him.
If I had been a second later, he would have been dragged straight into the slime cave and claimed.
Many people who couldn’t return to the village ended up being raped by monsters and turning into more of them.
I often took requests to rescue those people.
If I had arrived just a tiny bit faster, he wouldn’t have been violated by that slime.
‘I was just thinking about the tribe’s honor... but even so, he’s way too weak.’
The outer primitive tribes only serve spirits and the law of strength.
That was why the boy... the boy named Esther... had been cast out.
To be honest, I had no choice but to help because he was so cute.
I pretended to be all right, but it was just a kid after all.
And since he was so weak he couldn’t even fight off a slime, he definitely needed care, not some “I’ll handle it myself” excuse.
So I decided to take care of him...
‘Stay away from me! I’m chosen to raise the tribe’s honor!’
Or ‘You don’t have to help, I can do it by myself!’
He kept saying things like that.
The problem was, that kid had way too much pride.
‘Honestly... if he didn’t have such a weird personality, he would have been a handsome guy.’
Yeah, maybe it was because of how he threw a tantrum that made him even cuter?
He had the tanned brown skin of someone from the edge, and his body was quite sturdy for a boy from the frontier.
The first time I saw him, I was shocked.
There he was, a beautiful young boy being violated by a slime.
I rushed in and pulled him away.
He was a beautiful boy I had never seen before, with abs even an adult wouldn’t have, so my heart gave a little flutter.
But he was just a kid.
Outwardly healthy, but completely powerless against monsters.
Still, he was convinced that the tribe’s honor had chosen him and kept charging forward with dual maces without hesitation.
I couldn’t let go for even a second, because he would be raped by a monster the moment my eyes left him.
This time, when I went out to handle something outside the village, it was almost a miracle that nothing happened.
Even though he was nearly raped by a high-ranking monster.
The guy left after making weird noises...
Who the hell was “my lover”?
Even if I felt a little... a tiny bit of fondness, I had no intention of loving a kid like that...
Anyway, he was a handsome boy.
One day he would grow into a handsome young man.
Ufufu... by then, if he proposed to me, this older sister would probably die from happiness.
Of course, it was just a fantasy.
These kids only cared about their pride and acted on impulse.
I never expected to be so shocked when I heard that Ames had taken a request to deal with the harpies.
How could an elf who couldn’t even beat a slime be able to fight harpies?
So I rushed over, and there he was, already being held by the harpies and violated.
After scolding them, Ames just shrugged and went back to her desk...
Still, it seemed her request for me to look after him when I was on a job was accepted.
Even that lazy patient of hers was doing her own work, I guess...
But... why am I feeling uneasy?
Something... like I had done something unforgivable.
Today I was going to bring that kid home.
I had already told Ames in advance.
If he really wanted to go outside so badly, I should have trained him myself.
When I got home, I let him see the house and everything...
What happened next?
Wanting to eat meat for the first time in a while, I stopped by the nearby stall and bought some steak and fried potatoes.
There was no kitchen in the house.
When I entered, a cool, refreshing scent greeted me.
Sniffing it, my heart started beating faster without me realizing...
And... and...
What the hell...
Suddenly, my mind snapped awake.
I opened my eyes wide and looked at the thing in my arms.
It was the tanned boy with brown skin I had seen on the forest path that day.
Strange... he had a name that sounded like a girl’s name.
Since I couldn’t just send him away, I brought him here and decided to take care of him.
The moment I stepped inside, the unfamiliar scent hit me, and my mind went blank...
‘Alice... stop it...’
Seeing the expression on my face, the fluttering in my chest... I felt a dark, possessive desire while holding this child, that I was dominating him.
I was going to do this to the child...
I slowly lifted the blanket and peeked inside.
I prayed with all my heart that this was just a bad dream and that my thoughts weren’t matching reality.
Please... please...
Please don’t let this be real...
And inside the blanket was...
Slowly, the boy opened his eyes.
He looked up at me with hazy, lifeless eyes.
Buried in my chest, he breathed out and nuzzled against me.
“N-noona...? Are you awake?”
He looked completely broken.
I... what the hell had I done?
The memory I had been trying to forget came rushing back.
When I got home, seeing the kid made my chest flutter.
I covered him and... stripped him roughly, saying things I never should have...
“I... I... that... th-that’s...”
My voice trembled.
I had realized too late what unforgivable thing I had done to this child.
The boy in my arms let out a wet sigh, eyes dead as if he had already died.
It was clear he was completely ruined.
“I... I actually wanted to... love someone I’m in love with... but noona...”
As he said that, he pressed his lips to my chest and swirled his tongue.
The moment I saw that, my stomach turned cold.
He had given up on his own feelings and relied on me after being violated.
What should I do? But why did I cover him in the first place?
“Noona? Are you okay? Do you feel bad somewhere?”
Even though he had just been violated, he was still worrying about me.
Why? Why?
“I-I’m sorry... I... that’s... I don’t know why I did it...”
I tried desperately to apologize, but he wouldn’t accept it.
I had said I would take care of him, yet I suddenly raped him.
Instead of forgiving, that would be the crazy thing to do.
The boy shook his head.
And then, with a cold, lifeless smile, he told me:
“No... it’s fine... and honestly... it felt... good...”
Looking at Esther hugging me so tightly while saying words that clearly weren’t from the heart, my chest felt like it was being torn apart.
What am I supposed to do?! I can’t undo what I did!
The wounds I inflicted on his soul can never be healed twice.
Even if it seems healed, scars will remain faintly visible.
Probably not even when he dies.
The remaining scars will poke out somewhere and bring pain.
“Sorry... I’m really sorry...”
The only thing I could do was this.
I hugged the boy as tightly as I could.
This was the debt I owed for what I had done.
He had to accept it.
“Noona?”
The boy sighed while still curled up in my arms, voice shaking.
It felt like faint fear.
“So, don’t worry.
Noona... will take responsibility.
At the very least, I had to take responsibility for this child.
I had caused all the trouble, so I couldn’t just let him go.
Even though I had left my hometown, abandoned my god, and quit being a dancer, I still couldn’t throw away the most basic duty.
“R-really... responsibility?”
“Yeah... because noona did it... I’ll never leave and will protect you.
So... don’t worry.”
I couldn’t finish the sentence.
What was the point of telling a rapist not to worry?
At that moment, I thought I heard a voice mixed with tears.
The boy in my arms was shedding fear and sorrow later.
But during that time, I heard some swearing...?