The Magical Girls Are Drunk (3)
Morning breakfast was delivered by the robot maids. Multiple trays came and went, and an array of colorful, extravagant dishes lined the table that was far too wide for a single person. To maintain his bloated physique, Kual supplemented his three daily meals with snacks in between, bringing his total to seven meals a day. That was the kind of body that demanded such constant feeding. Hu-ho, women ought to envy this form more.
“Ooh~ Everything looks delicious today too~.” Kual drooled as he scanned the plates spread before him. Mekrak had almost no normal livestock left. The planet’s dwindling energy made it impossible to raise animals properly. There was neither space to graze them nor grass for them to eat. Yet both artificial bodies and the living bodies of nobles still required nutrients. That was why Mekrak “manufactured” meat in factories. Through genetic research and hyper-science, they could almost create it from nothing… but it never quite matched real livestock. There was almost no magic power in it.
Protein was enough to keep a body going, but it fell short for a noble’s refined palate—especially Kual’s, who cared deeply about his food. “This one’s livestock cuisine imported from Earth… That one’s a specialty dish from the Arteia Techile star… Hu-ho-ho~. And there’s plenty more. Yeah. This much is what a noble deserves~.”
Kual smiled broadly and picked up his fork and knife with elegant poise. He was about to savor the meal slowly—
Chomp chomp. Munch munch.
“…………What are you doing?”
“Yes?”
Once the robot maids had all left, Kei stepped forward with natural movements and began picking up meat from the table with her bare hands, chewing noisily. What? Why was she eating? Kual’s mind went blank in an instant.
“Ah, this is tasty, Master.”
Kei finished one plate and reached for the next. Apparently it wasn’t to her liking—she only took a single piece of neatly arranged meat, ate it, then pushed the plate toward Kual before reaching for another.
“……Hey.”
“Yes?”
“What… are you doing?”
“Oh, well… Gulp. Cough!”
She choked while talking and eating; fragments of food she had stuffed into her cheeks like a squirrel flew onto Kual’s face. Kei paid it no mind, banged on the table, and grabbed a bottle of liquor that had been placed nearby.
Today was a special occasion—the day he could finally toy with the magical girls as he pleased—so he had ordered an expensive bottle brought out. It was probably a fine vintage from the Wourken star, aged over three hundred years.
“Mmph… Cough, cough! It won’t open… Urp… Kkellok!”
“Hey, hey…! You can’t do that!”
Kei’s hand flashed. With a clean slice of her hand blade, she severed the neck of the bottle. It was a feat impossible with mere strength. The cut was so precise it looked like it had been made with a sword, and Kual’s mouth snapped shut in shock.
Gulp… Gulp…
Kei flipped the bottle upside down and poured the contents straight into her mouth.
“Kyah~! It’s good booze, but… it’s not really my taste….”
Still holding the bottle in one hand, Kei went back to grabbing food from the table.
“Y-you! Stop! Stop eating! That’s mine!!!”
Finally snapping out of his stunned state, Kual kicked his chair back and shot to his feet. His sagging cheeks trembled with rage. “You, you, you, you—what are you?! Why are you eating my precious breakfast?!”
“Huh? This? Oh… I’m a slave, aren’t I…?”
“Why would a slave eat the master’s food?!”
“Well, it’s like… a food taster? Poison checker? Something like that….”
Kei picked up yet another plate and dumped its entire contents into her mouth.
“You don’t have to eat everything just to check for poison!!!”
“Oh, shut up. You’re so loud I’m gonna die, you damn pi—hic—g. Hehe.”
Kei staggered drunkenly toward Kual and raised the bottle in her hand.
“Be quiet.”
She brought it down squarely on his head.
Clang—!
The movement was so natural that Kual couldn’t react in time. Even with all his body modifications and enhancements, the attack from a magical girl’s enhanced strength left him reeling. Shards of glass embedded in his scalp, blood poured down his face, and his vision spun wildly.
“U-urgh… Gwaaaah…?!”
“Huh…? You didn’t pass out….”
Kei grabbed Kual’s head and slammed it into a nearby bowl of soup.
“Gwaaaaaaaaah?! Ubuuuuub?! It’s hooooot?!”
“Oops… My bad.”
Kei yanked Kual’s hair and pulled his head out. He gasped for air, face flushed red.
“The bowl didn’t break.”
She slammed his head back down.
Crash—!
The bowl shattered into countless pieces. Kual’s face hit the table along with the soup. Still unsatisfied, Kei lifted his head again and smashed it down once more.
“Ehehehehe. This is fun.”
Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud!
Kual’s plump head bounced rhythmically against the table. Each impact left cracks spreading across the surface beneath the tablecloth. The table was made of special stone, yet Kual’s head was breaking it…
“……Ah. I’m full.”
By the time Kual had started sobbing, Kei seemed to have lost interest. She staggered over to a nearby chair, curled up on it like a cat, and promptly fell asleep.
“A… uwaaaah…. Hic… Uwaaaaaah…!”
Face burned, covered in glass shards and blood, Kual stumbled out of the dining hall in terror. He hadn’t run in years—he hated running more than anything—but right now he had no choice. He had to get away from that magical girl as fast as possible…!
“Mnyaah… Pig head… Snore… Kuul….”
Behind him, Kei murmured peacefully in her sleep.
* * *
“Rudolf! Rudolf! Where are you~! Rudolllllllf!!!!”
Kual ran through the mansion, desperately calling Rudolf’s name like a child searching for his parents. Rudolf, who monitored every system in the mansion, couldn’t possibly have missed him staggering down the hallway. He couldn’t have failed to hear the cries.
Yet…
“Then why isn’t he showing up…?”
Rudolf was one of the few fully autonomous androids on Mekrak. Connected to the Bank, Mekrak’s central information aggregation system, his knowledge and judgment far surpassed what even a hundred geniuses could achieve. Spending ninety percent of his fortune to acquire Rudolf had been one of the few truly good decisions Kual had ever made. The moment Rudolf recognized him as master, he had brought Kual wealth beyond what he had lost, and with his extraordinary capabilities, he had turned this massive city into Kual’s personal playground.
“So… surely he can fix this ridiculous situation too…!”
“Rudolllllf! Come out right now! Where are youuuuuu?! Save me! The magical girls! The magical girls are trying to kill meeeee! Rudolllllllf!!!!”
Kual wandered the halls, crying out pitifully. He was so panicked he couldn’t even think to access the mansion’s systems himself to locate Rudolf.
And then—
[.............Master......]
The faint mechanical voice he had been longing to hear reached him.
“Rudolf?!”
It was faint, but his enhanced ears caught it clearly. Just around the corner! Kual hurried toward it. Rudolf would handle everything. He could fix this!
“Rudolf! The magical girls! Do something about the magical girls—!”
Kual froze at the sight before him.
[Master... I’m sorry... I can’t... move...!@#%@^]
The malfunctioning speaker emitted a grotesque static. Rudolf lay in the center of the grand hall, limbs severed, body shattered into pieces. Scattered among the ruined hall—separate from the petrified statues of women—were the jewel pillars he had cherished. For some reason, they had all toppled, crushing what remained of Rudolf beneath them.
“Owww... That stung... Why does it hurt....”
And standing before the wreckage—
A blood-soaked monster.
“Hic... Urgh. Hey... Tin can head... Come at me, you bastard!!!”
The blood-soaked monster—no, the red-haired magical girl Danbi—looked as though she had been through an intense battle. One arm and leg hung broken and limp, her entire body drenched in her own blood, yet she grinned savagely. In one hand she held a hand axe that clearly belonged in Kual’s own storeroom.
“Just die already....”
She raised the axe high and brought it down on Rudolf.
Clang!
Rudolf’s metal head caved in.
“...Kh. Damn it, how many times do I have to hit this thing before it splits?”
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!
Danbi swung the axe mercilessly, as if to say “Let’s see who dies first.” Again and again and again.
“A-aaaaah...! Stop! Stop ittttt! Rudolllllllf!!!”
[I... can’t... move...!@#$@#%^]
“Ah, shit. This tin can head is ridiculously tough. Damn it.”
Kual was a noble of Mekrak. Every noble possessed special abilities ordinary people could never hope to match, and those powers were precisely why common villains never dared challenge nobles. Normally, he could have used his ability to resolve this situation. A magical girl with sealed powers should have been manageable…
Yet—
“You goddamn bastard! Die! Die! Die, you piece of shit! Hahahahahaha! Break into pieces!!! Gahahahaha!!!!”
Covered in blood, swinging the axe like a madwoman, laughing with the glee of a serial killer—faced with this chain of insane events, Kual, completely panicked, couldn’t even think to use his ability. He could only turn and flee.
“Rudolllllllf!!! Uwaaaaaaaaah!!!!!”
Calling the name of his loyal android servant even as it was being dismantled, Kual stumbled away, scattering chicken-like tears behind him.
* * *
“Boss, Boss, Tutu Boss.”
“Hm?”
“Will those magical girls be okay?”
At his subordinate’s question, Tutu quietly chewed on the squid leg in his mouth. Squid legs imported from Earth were perfect for chewing when bored.
“Well, they’re magical girls. They’ll hold out somehow, won’t they? I don’t know how perverted those nobles are, but....”
“No, that’s not what I’m worried about.”
“Then what?”
“Those girls... once they get some alcohol in them, they lose all sense. Last time we almost died too. Especially that Danbi girl—she went completely insane. I thought she was a bulldozer.”
Tutu chuckled. “Uku-ku-ku. You think that pig noble would actually feed them booze?”
“Haha, no way that would happen.”
“And even if they drank a little, what could possibly go wrong? It’s a noble’s mansion, after all.”
“Right. As long as the noble isn’t completely incompetent, nothing bad should happen!”
“Exactly. Unless he’s completely incompetent. Hey! Bring the booze! Uku-ku-ku! Time to party again today!”
“Yes~!”
The Tutu Bandits held another raucous feast. The money they had received for selling the magical girls was enormous. They wouldn’t be short on funds for a while.
‘Hmm... If we ever run low on money again, maybe we’ll raid that noble’s mansion around then.’
He just hoped the magical girls would stay out of trouble until then. If they kept their heads down and avoided drawing attention, it would make things easier later.
‘They wouldn’t cause unnecessary trouble, draw attention, or make enemies... right? That would only make things harder for them. Yeah. Magical girls aren’t that stupid. Just keep the noble happy for now~.’
Tutu, unfamiliar with the Earth saying “Even the unexpected can kill you,” drank and laughed with his men without a care in the world.
And the next day—
Kual placed an enormous bounty on the Tutu Bandits.