I Became a Brocade Guard (2)
"Ah, I want to be discharged."
"Don't say that out loud, you dumb... Young Master."
"Were you about to call me a dumbass just now?"
Two months had passed since the Emperor intercepted my discharge and forcibly class-transferred me into the Brocade Guard.
Surprisingly enough, I was living a rather comfortable life.
"If it's comfortable, that should be a good thing. Why the hell are you bitching and... throwing a fit?"
"Did swapping those words accomplish anything, Mun-gyeong?"
If you say both 'bitching' and 'throwing a fit,' you're just swearing twice, you little punk. Is this girl pretending to be subtle while deliberately taking jabs at me?
For a split second, I considered hitting her, but decided against it. After all, I had dragged her along when I enlisted simply because I was bored, landing her in this hellhole right beside me. At times like this, I needed to show some magnanimity and understanding.
"You piece of sh—ack! Why'd you hit me?!"
"Because the more I chewed on it, the more annoyed I got."
The audacity of a subordinate whining just because she had to follow her master wherever he went. No wonder you've been single since birth. Tsk, tsk.
"It's only because you dragged me into the military, Young Master! How am I supposed to date when there isn't a single man around?!"
"What do you mean there are no men? There's one standing right in front of you."
"Do I really have to punish you with a confession to bring you back to your senses?"
"I apologize."
Fortunately, thanks to my swift apology, I avoided having to shatter Mun-gyeong's skull with my own two hands. One wrong move, and cleaning up her corpse would have been an absolute nuisance.
"So what on earth is the problem that has you throwing a bitch fit first thing in the morning?"
"You little bastard, you aren't even trying to hide it anymore, are you?"
The reason I was raising hell so early in the morning? There was really only one.
"Because the military fucking sucks, that's why."
"You just said you had it comfortable a second ago."
"That's just a figure of speech. Did you seriously think I meant I'm actually comfortable?"
To be fair, looking at it objectively, my daily life was on the leisurely side. The Brocade Guard was stationed within the imperial palace, and translated to modern terms, my rank put me at officer grade, meaning I had far too much seniority to be tasked with menial chores. Unless some massive crisis broke out, my routine simply boiled down to clocking in and clocking out.
A salary thief of the martial world... or should I call myself a Salary Shadowless Divine Thief? Objectively speaking, there was no sweeter gig.
"Then what's the issue?"
"Do you still not get it, Mun-gyeong? I hate doing anything bothersome or tiring."
What good was a cushy post in the Brocade Guard? Compared to being an unemployed freeloader idling at home, it was still infinitely more work. Isn't there an old saying?
A well-fed slacker is far happier than a starving Socrates.
"Nobody has ever said that."
"It's fine. I just made it up."
If I coined it in this era, it could totally become an ancient idiom or proverb by the twenty-first century. Looking at it that way, being born into a wuxia world wasn't entirely bad. No matter what bullshit tumbled out of my mouth, I'd automatically be the original author. Should I take this opportunity to claim all future famous quotes and rake in royalties? Ah, right. I wouldn't live that long anyway, so it was utterly meaningless.
"Mun-gyeong, why did I become a soldier in the first place?"
"Isn't it for the same reason as me?"
"Hardly. You were ordered to do it and had no choice. I walked in here on my own two feet."
"True. That just makes you an even bigger dumbass, Young Master."
I flared up at Mun-gyeong's line-crossing remark, but realizing she wasn't particularly wrong, I unclenched my fist. Even in my own eyes, past-me had been an absolute idiot. I could have just gotten married and told everyone to screw off, so why the hell had I foolishly volunteered to enlist...? To this day, whenever I dreamed of that fateful day, I found myself screaming like the protagonist of a certain space movie: Stay!
"Sigh..."
I already got reincarnated... Is there no chance of regression...?
No matter how shitty your workplace is, you still have to report for duty. If you don't, you get fired—or rather, beheaded. While losing my job was something I desperately desired, in this barbaric era, having your neck cut was overwhelmingly literal rather than metaphorical. And so, I faithfully clocked in on time today as well.
Good morning, seniors.
"It's me, you bitches."
"Maknae, your inner voice came out backwards."
"I know."
I said I would faithfully clock in, not that I would faithfully behave. Insubordination breeds conflict wherever you go. In the military especially, where hierarchy was treated with sacred reverence, an attitude like mine should have sparked rampant discontent and disciplinary chaos. Which, in turn, ought to lead to my discharge.
"Hmm, today's verbal abuse feels a bit bland."
"The youngest must be in a good mood."
"I was really hoping he'd spit right in our faces."
Of course, as evidenced by my continued, unharmed attendance over the past two months, it didn't do jack shit. Come to think of it, in a world without conscription, every soldier here was an unhinged recruit who had voluntarily thrown herself into service. Since there was no way such broads were sane, my sensible plan never stood a chance.
"How is it that I'm the only normal person in this entire place?"
"I cannot agree with that statement."
"Shut your mouth, Mun-gyeong."
The Brocade Guard was the imperial court's paramount martial institution, and their day always commenced with a grand speech from a girl with dumpling buns.
"Now then! As everyone knows, the atmosphere within the imperial palace has been turbulent lately! At times like this, we must maintain strict discipline through unwavering conduct, standing firm as ever—"
At best, the top of her head reached my solar plexus. Even standing atop a raised podium, she was so tiny that I didn't even need to tilt my head up to look at her.
Her name was Ye Rin.
She was my batchmate from training and one of the Brocade Guard's 'Three Youngest.'
The reason a mere junior could stand before the senior guards and lecture them like that was simple: her mother was the Commander-in-Chief, the supreme head of the Brocade Guard. You might ask if it was proper for a state intelligence apparatus to blatantly favor nepotism. Regrettably, in this uncivilized martial realm, school ties, regional factions, and bloodlines weren't viewed as corruption—they were considered legitimate qualifications. On top of that, she was the leading candidate to succeed her mother. Even as a rookie, the number of people in the entire Brocade Guard who dared cross Ye Rin could be counted on one hand.
"Ugh, that brat's tongue is ridiculously long. 'Nothing's going on.' It's a genuine talent to stretch those four words into such a pedantic lecture."
Standing beside me was one of the few people on that short list: a ponytail-sporting woman who was picking her nose while reading an erotic scroll.
Like Ye Rin, she was my batchmate and the last of our 'Three Youngest,' Wi Ji-ryeon. She muttered under her breath and flicked away a booger.
The moment I laid eyes on her, my brow furrowed into deep ridges.
"You filthy bitch. I told you not to read that disgusting garbage next to me."
"Always the sheltered young master, making such a fuss over a simple erotica scroll."
"Fuck, would I complain if it were a normal erotic scroll?! Why the hell are you reading books about guys rubbing their dicks together?!"
"I pity you for being blind to the sublime beauty of men's love. Ravage him until the North Sea Ice Palace melts!"
I stared in sheer pathetic disbelief at Wi Ji-ryeon as she snickered into her erotica scroll. When we were kids, I'm pretty sure she had at least a shred of decency. How on earth had she degenerated into such a hopeless fujoshi?
I knew it. The military ruins people.
I really needed to break out of this place as soon as humanly possible.
I choked Wi Ji-ryeon by the throat while renewing that vow for the hundredth time.
Morning roll call finally concluded.
Tossing the half-suffocated Wi Ji-ryeon aside, I walked over to talk to Ye Rin.
"I haven't seen your mom around lately. Did something happen?"
"Didn't I mention it? Mother's been busy handling state affairs these days."
The three of us had known each other long before enlisting. To be precise, our parents' generation had ties, so we naturally grew up together—a so-called military cartel. Naturally, I was well-acquainted with her mother as well.
Still, state affairs?
While the Brocade Guard held official government rank, making it not entirely unusual...
Usually, they aren't summoned unless something major is brewing.
If it were the Eastern Depot, the intelligence agency, or the Hanlin Academy, the imperial scholarly body, it would make sense. Those two organizations were inextricably tied to court politics. The Brocade Guard, however, was a military force that served directly under the imperial household. They felt closer to the Emperor's private army than politicians, so they rarely meddled in civil administration. When the Emperor commanded, they obeyed—that was the foundational rule of the Brocade Guard.
"Do you know why she was called in?"
"More or less. But I can't tell you."
"Is that so? A pity."
"..."
Ye Rin glanced around warily before whispering under her breath.
"Do you want to have lunch together today? It's been a while."
"...Sure."
There was no way she would be this cautious just to share a meal. It was an obvious signal that she intended to tell me in private. Even in a place like this, she looked out for me because we shared the same military grub. Brat, I was actually a little touched.
"Crazy bitch. Leaking state secrets just to get lunch with a guy."
"Shut up."
"Guh-k!"
Wi Ji-ryeon, who had recovered out of nowhere and started sneering, took a kick from Ye Rin and went crashing through the wall. It was just another ordinary day in the Brocade Guard.
If there was one perk to joining the Brocade Guard, it was that the food wasn't pig slop that looked like it had been excreted from an asshole, but actual, edible human meals. Then again, since the meals were prepared by imperial chefs, that was only natural.
"This stir-fried bok choy is delicious."
"The fish dish is well done, too. Not fishy at all."
"The meat's a bit tough, though. Whoever cooked this won't be setting foot in the imperial kitchen anytime soon."
As the three of us ate together for the first time in a while—including Wi Ji-ryeon—Ye Rin waited for the right moment to speak.
"About what you asked earlier, Hwado. Honestly, I don't know the exact details either. But I'm told it isn't war."
"...Really?"
At Ye Rin's confirmation, I let out a quiet sigh of relief. Whenever the Brocade Guard was summoned, it almost always involved violence. The quintessential example was war. And if a war broke out? Yeah, I'd be run ragged like a dog. Knowing that my worst fear was off the table brought immense peace of mind.
Thank god... Wait, is it really something to be glad about?
If I hadn't been a soldier in the first place, I wouldn't have had to worry about this at all. That thought sent a sudden wave of gloom washing over me. Since I was depressed, I might as well stuff myself with steamed flower buns.
"What does that have to do with being depressed...?"
Damn it, Mun-gyeong, are you an unfeeling robot or what?
Do you not possess a human heart? Why do you keep trying to use logic on me? Just shut the hell up and show some empathy, you punk.
"Ugh, are you a human being or an ox? Why do you only stuff yourself with fodder?"
"Isn't it for the same reason you're still a virgin despite obsessing over pederasty scrolls?"
"You little son of a bitch."
"*Ahem.* This fried eggplant is quite good. You should try some."
"What fried eggplant? Eat it yourself."
"Shut your mouth, Wi Ji-ryeon. I wasn't talking to you."
"You crazy simp bitch. The blatant favoritism is unreal."
"The tofu dish here is a bit lacking. And the scrambled eggs are..."
We finished our meal while chatting idly about trivial nonsense. Sitting like this reminded me of the days when we dug through the mess hall scrap bins together. As the saying goes, even looking at fellow losers can be entertaining; all in all, it wasn't a bad time. If I had chosen marriage instead of enlistment, I wouldn't have experienced moments like this, right?
Hmm...
"Fuck, I really should've gotten married back then."
"That bastard's catching fits again."
"Can't you still get married now?"
"Doing it now is completely pointless..."
The urban legend of the reversed martial world: In this era, the concept of parental leave discharge simply did not exist.
Military Aaaagh!
"Besides, would marriage even be possible for me at this point?"
Maybe in the past, but the current me was so far removed from the standard of a good prospective groom that it wasn't even funny. In a world where men were expected to manage the household, a man serving in the Brocade Guard? By the standards of this realm, I was damaged goods nobody would take even if I were given away for free. At best, I'd merely draw flirtatious glances from male-starved female soldiers.
Perhaps because of that, my standards had lowered considerably.
"*Sigh.* Isn't there some pretty, big-breasted, gentle older lady out there?"
"Even if there were, she wouldn't marry you, dumbass."
"You foul-mouthed bitch, that's way too harsh."
Just you wait until you try dating someone. I'm going to track down every single erotic scroll you've ever read and deliver them straight to your man. If I can't find romance, I'll drag you down with me.