The First Impression
The sharp edge of emotion, in stark contrast to the calm voice, was aimed directly at Raven. Though he couldn’t possibly be unaware of it, Raven offered no reaction at all. He simply continued walking in silence. Perhaps it was because he had caught a faint, lingering trace of bitterness in that remark.
Altare’s brow furrowed with tension. He was irritated by the man who so readily accepted malice.
“……You’re not saying anything this time, either.”
It was painfully obvious that he was trying to make things easier for himself that way.
If this wasn’t hypocrisy, then what was? Even in the diary, there had been no record of why he had opened the Gates. He probably never said it until the very end. After all, the diary had written that the only thing he ever offered in response to my tears, rage, and desperate demands for an explanation was a simple apology.
I knew that every one of his actions was nothing more than self-satisfying atonement. And I had come to understand the past version of myself who had been swept up in that and ended up giving my heart to someone like him.
And you—
“Hello, baby.”
—had known that the version of me who had lost all memory and emotion would one day come to kill you.
“Have you come to kill me?”
It had been such a matter-of-fact reaction.
They say first impressions determine most of one’s evaluation of another person. The time it takes for that first impression to form is a mere few seconds. The attitude Raven had shown at their very first meeting left a shocking first impression on someone who had only ever mulled over the contents of a diary, and it had been enough to turn his mind completely blank.
‘Originally, I was planning to go find him, fight him, and at least test whether he was truly immortal by trying to kill him until I could confirm it……’
But after seeing that sight, the desire had completely vanished.
Even if I killed him here, it wouldn’t leave a single scratch. That truth had nothing to do with whether he was immortal or not.
So instead, I began to observe him.
‘It was ridiculous.’
Abandoning us and then pretending to love us. If that was the case, I wanted to ask why he had left in the first place.
Of course, the moment I voiced that question, it would be the same as admitting I still had lingering feelings for him, so I kept my mouth shut.
Besides, I was also the one who had something to gain by cozying up to him and making full use of his attitude, so we were even in that regard.
‘It’s the very definition of a farce.’
A disciple who mimicked his past self by fumbling through lost memories because he needed something from his master, and a master who poured affection without trust onto that very disciple.
As Altare recalled that absurd scene, he suddenly sensed something off and turned to look at Raven. The man was being far too quiet.
“……Are you feeling unwell?”
Their master was covering his mouth with the back of his hand.
His complexion looked strangely pale, and there was a clear effort to suppress nausea. Anyone would have thought he looked ill. Altare’s eyes narrowed.
After a brief silence, Raven slowly shook his head.
“No.”
He had thought it would be fine if he ate just a little, but apparently that had been a mistake.
The food he had consumed before closing the Gate was now waging an aerial battle inside his stomach. It was obvious he would end up showing an unsightly sight in front of his disciple, so he quickly added,
“I have somewhere I need to stop by. Would you go on ahead?”
“……”
“You didn’t want to walk with me anyway, right?”
It was a statement that could neither be denied nor should be denied. Altare frowned. After observing Raven for a moment as if appraising him, he chose not to add anything else. He simply pressed his lips tightly together and strode away.
Raven watched the rapidly retreating back of his disciple for a moment, then immediately turned and headed toward the nearest inn.
“Two bottles of drinking water… and I’d like some water to wash my hands with.”
He had no money, but he had secretly kept a few jewels from the luxurious life he had lived in his disciples’ homes. Since Liv had been the one to give them to him in the first place, there shouldn’t be any major issues.
The innkeeper had been startled and wary at the sudden appearance of a blood-covered guest, but that only lasted a moment. Once he received payment far exceeding the request, the man broke into a wide grin and brought the water in an instant. Raven emptied one bottle on the spot, thoroughly washed his hands in the prepared basin, then took the remaining bottle and left.
This time, he headed for a secluded place.
‘……This should be far enough.’
After crossing several alleys and turning corners repeatedly, his steps finally came to a stop in one particular spot.
Standing in a place where not even light reached well, let alone people, Raven took a moment to steady his breathing as if preparing for something. A familiar message descended, as if it knew exactly what he was about to do.
The Guardian Spirit ??? asks about the cleanliness of your hands.
“You saw me wash them. They’re clean.”
Your fingernails.
“They don’t grow in the first place. There aren’t any breaks either, so don’t worry.”
In his current state, it seemed like everything would come up on its own without him even needing to stick his fingers down his throat.
The problem was that the pain of vomiting was more unbearable than having his flesh cut or his bones broken. His stomach already felt sore. Raven frowned and gently rubbed his belly.
“The water seems to have made my stomach feel even worse……”
The Guardian Spirit ??? says that this way the esophagus will be less damaged.
“I know that too……”
But then there would be even more to throw up.
“I wish you would just knock me out and do it for me instead……”
……
“You won’t, will you.”
You did it for me back when things went wrong before.
It must have been before his body, frozen in time, had fully adapted. He had eaten out of habit and, without thinking about needing to empty his stomach, had moved to close the Gate. He had been hit badly and ended up vomiting.
He had briefly lost consciousness and vomited awkwardly, causing a huge mess. He remembered the Guardian Spirit urgently coming forward, turning his head so the vomit wouldn’t go down his windpipe, and helping him expel everything inside.
The Guardian Spirit ??? says that was only because it was an emergency back then. He also says that his hands are covered in thick calluses and are rough, so there is a high chance he would injure your throat.
“……I know. That makes sense.”
What could he possibly say in response to messages filled only with concern for him?
He didn’t want to argue with the Guardian Spirit over something like this. In the end, Raven accepted it and raised his hand.
The Guardian Spirit ??? warns you to be careful not to cause any injury.
“No matter how clumsy I am, it’s not to that extent. It’s been a while, but it’s not like I’ve only done this once or twice.”
After answering lightly, he pushed his fingers into his mouth.
He tilted his head slightly and touched the back of his tongue and uvula. The vomiting followed naturally. Along with the sensation of his stomach being wrung out, its contents surged upward.
“Uweeegh—.”
A liquid mixed with blood poured out.
Whether it was because he hadn’t eaten much, because he had chewed it finely, or because he had drunk plenty of water beforehand, the contents came up relatively easily.
“Ugh, urgh—.”
The pain in his stomach was a separate matter.
The pain he could never get used to made him unconsciously dig his nails into the hand braced against the wall. Just as he was about to clench his fist and scrape downward, a firm voice rang through his mind.
Your hand.
“……Hah.”
He reflexively opened his hand. But the vomiting continued, and controlling the hand that kept tensing up became difficult. In the end, he lowered it to his knee and clenched his fist tightly.
By then he had already collapsed to his knees in front of the wall, so there was no awkwardness in the posture.
But the pain remained the same. The agony made it impossible to stay still, so he pressed his forehead against the wall.
‘……This is exactly why I didn’t want to drink water.’
The liquid that still kept coming, the stomach and esophagus that felt as if they were being wrung out and screaming in pain—it was utterly horrible.
Perhaps he felt it even more horribly because he was keenly aware that he was an abnormal, illogical being. No matter how much he imitated an ordinary human, the differences showed in these trivial details. In the past, that fact had felt quite sorrowful.
Objectively speaking, for a body that had been through every conceivable ordeal to feel pain over something like this was absurd, so it was probably a mental issue…….
He pretended not to notice and put more strength into his clenched fist. He even tried to rub his head against the wall, but another voice stopped him.
Your head.
“Ugh……”
……Right. If he rubbed his forehead against that rough surface, the skin would scrape right off. If he scraped it with his nails, they would probably tear or break and leave his fingertips in tatters. Either way, there would definitely have been blood.
He knew the words came from worry for him. But the firm tone that fell while he was in pain felt quite cruel. Raven squeezed his eyes shut.
The voice came again, as if urging him.
Baby.
“Urgh, cough… I got it, I got it.”
In the end, he lifted his forehead from the wall. After searching for somewhere to lean, he had no choice but to brace the side of his clenched fist against the wall and finish vomiting.
.
.
.
“In the end, it would’ve been better to ask Ancestor for help even if it meant getting scratches in my throat.”
If I eat again after this, I’m a crazy bastard. A total lunatic.
Raven took out the water bottle he had brought for cleanup, rinsed his mouth, then poured the rest over the vomit as he grumbled.
“I should’ve just passed out instead.”
This was not something that should be done twice. He had no idea what kind of mindset he had been in to do this every single day while traveling with his disciples.
‘……Ah, is the reaction worse because it’s been ten years?’
It had been ten years since food had entered his stomach, and now he was forcing it back out again….
……Anyway.
“More importantly.”
His green eyes, which had noticed the gaze fixed on him for quite some time, slowly shifted. He took in the sight of his disciple, whose eyes were filled with confusion and complicated emotions, and soon offered a gentle smile.
“I’d appreciate it if you kept this a secret.”
“……”
Of course, the disciple—who was right in the middle of his rebellious phase—did not obediently agree.
The cold, sky-blue eyes glanced at the food mixed with blood before meeting Raven’s gaze.
When had he looked so utterly exhausted while vomiting with an expression of complete disillusionment with life? And now he was wearing an endlessly kind face again. Was that sincerity, or a mask?
“Judging by your attitude, it doesn’t look like this was the first or second time……”
A voice whose inner thoughts could not be read flowed out.
He hadn’t thought the diary would contain everything. But he had believed that since the attachment toward their master had been so deep, something like this would have been recorded without fail.
Had he hidden it? Had it started after he left them? Or had the past version of himself simply been too foolish to write it down?
“Since when has it been like this?”
You still cannot die yet.
Even if you die, you must first fulfill all of your disciples’ wishes and then die by my hand.
Emotions that were difficult even for him to define rampaged on their own. Altare quietly ground his teeth and clenched his fist.
“I’ve never seen you like this in the diary either… Wait.”
Had there really been nothing?
Something flickered through his mind.
Master burps. If we don’t take care of it, he often doesn’t eat anything at all. He tells us that gourmet food is one of life’s pleasures and feeds us all sorts of things.
Master vomited. He had been doing it secretly, but I caught him. He asked me to keep it a secret from the others. If our cooking was enough to make him throw up, it must have been really serious. It was fine when I and the others ate it… but I’m an Awakener, and those guys are even more poisonous than poison. So they probably shrugged off something like that easily.
Anyway, the mushrooms Rowina put in must be the problem. I’m going to go back and beat the crap out of Rowina.
“No way.”
It had seemed like ordinary daily life at the time, but when he thought about it again, it matched the current situation strangely well.
When he had first read the diary, he had accepted it without a shred of doubt, thinking Rowina must have caused another accident. But it seemed that wasn’t the case.
Not aging meant a long lifespan—either the body’s time flowed extremely slowly, or it had stopped entirely. And although he hadn’t confirmed it directly yet, he had said their master was immortal.
Immortality. And eternal youth. The way he restrained his food intake, the act of eating only to vomit it back up. On top of that, he had said his wounds would not heal unless special measures were taken…….
“As expected of an Awakener……”
Sensing Altare’s rapid train of thought, Raven let out a low laugh and shook his head.
Since when, he had asked. Well, obviously.
“It’s been like this from the beginning. I hid it as much as possible because I couldn’t show the children something so filthy.”
“Was that even possible?”
No matter how young they were, if they were stuck by his side all day, there was no way they wouldn’t have noticed.
Besides, one of them was an Awakener and the other was a beast with keen senses. Considering how obsessed they had been with their master back then, it was impossible that they hadn’t known.
Yet Raven nodded as if it were the most natural question in the world.
“Because back then, you were all well-behaved, obedient disciples.”
The kind of lovely children who would quietly wait in place if told not to follow.