Chapter 38
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 38
Chapter Title: Think You Can Push Me Away Just by Pushing?
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Think you can push me away just by pushing me.
"The fever's gone down a lot now."
"You should've gone to the hospital sooner. To think it resolved so easily——."
"Minah, jelly."
"...Hey, I said I'd take care of you, not become your servant?"
The more I thought about it, the more shameless she seemed.
I set the thermometer back in place and fetched the jelly anyway.
Still, I wasn't thrilled about handing it over, so I turned my head sharply with a displeased look. She stared back, looking utterly baffled, like she couldn't comprehend.
"...Wasn't that what you meant?"
Wow, even knowing it's an act, it pisses me off.
"Hand."
"Hand?"
"Stop using me already, huh?"
I gently placed the jelly on her outstretched hand.
She wrinkled her nose, her face saying she wasn't satisfied, but who could resist jelly sitting right there on their hand?
She popped it into her mouth all at once and flashed a big grin.
"Ah, is this what life is? Oh, I'm so happy."
"Now that the end of your day is happy, don't you wanna go to sleep?"
"Kyaa~! What does that mean?"
The bratty one shoved my shoulder hard and batted her eyes rapidly.
All that nonsense made a yawn bubble up naturally.
I covered my gaping mouth with my hand and replied.
"I'm exhausted. Gonna head to bed first?"
I kept yawning as I got up from the sofa, but a hand immediately grabbed my t-shirt.
A silent battle of wills unfolded.
The one who wanted sleep versus the one who didn't.
In the fierce staring contest, Chaewon was the first to speak.
"Since when does a caregiver fall asleep before the patient?"
"Right here. And your fever's basically gone—what more care do you need? You think you're a princess or something?"
"I am the princess in my house."
"This is my house?"
"Even in your house, I'm treated like a princess?"
Hanwoo side dishes every time she visits, indulging every whim, stripping away my human rights for her convenience...
...She had a point. No rebuttal.
"Admit it? Totally admit."
Han Chaewon, princess of the Kang household, beamed triumphantly, her smile blooming wider.
"I'm seriously tired. You know today wasn't easy, right?"
I'd been energy-drained all morning, with no time to recharge before tending to her nonstop.
If I had to pick the toughest moment of the second half of the year, it'd hands-down be today.
I could crash on the floor with just a pillow tossed down, but factoring in having to dance to her tune until I sent her home tomorrow...
Ah... no way...!!
"Gonna sleep? You sleep well too."
Feeling the dark circles tugging at my skin, I gently pried her hand off my t-shirt.
I let go and headed for the guest room with the mattress laid out, but...
"...Wanna see me collapse?"
She'd locked her arm around mine by then, no intention of letting go.
"So let's go to sleep, Minah."
"I already gave you the room."
"Yeah. I'm sleeping in your room."
"Then let go of my hand."
"Why? I'm coming in with you?"
"......What?"
"Don't worry. Once you're asleep, I'll go crash too. Promise."
Is that supposed to be an explanation?
It was so absurd I tried to unlock her arm without a word, but her grip tightened instantly.
At this rate, I'd learn just how much a hand could shrivel up, but what did that matter to an econ major?
"Surrender. Ow. It hurts. Hurts!"
I went limp and raised the white flag.
In the end, from the living room to the guest room—even as I lay down, pulled the thin blanket over, and closed my eyes—she never let go of my hand.
She'd released it briefly to grab the thermos and teacup, then latched on again tight.
"...What're you gonna do, staring at my face like that?"
Her silent gaze boring into my face was impossible to ignore, chasing away any hint of sleep.
Was this the famed 'just hold hands and sleep'?
Way too self-conscious to manage even that.
Haa, I let out a light sigh and muttered.
"You gonna stay like this till I fall asleep?"
"Yeah."
"Wouldn't it be more efficient to just go sleep now?"
"If you wanna live at energy efficiency grade 1, get reborn as a Samsung appliance next time. Born human, why obsess over efficiency?"
"...Ooh. Fresh burn."
"Thanks."
I chuckled with my eyes closed, and laughter burst from beside me too.
The drowsiness I'd barely gathered evaporated, but just lying there felt like it was slowly restoring my energy, so it wasn't all bad.
Another quiet stretch passed.
Rain tapping the window, our breaths faintly mingling.
She asked softly if she could play some music. I nodded faintly, and gentle jazz filled the room.
We stayed like that for a while.
"Can I get under the blanket too?"
She murmured in a half-asleep voice.
"...You're already half in. Why ask now?"
"Then can we share the pillow?"
"Don't even think about sneaking in to sleep here."
"I won't. Just lend it. Hate going back and forth."
"......Promise?"
Yes! She let out a tiny cheer and slipped under the blanket fast.
I scooted my head to the pillow's edge. She did the same on her side.
Your arm, your hair, your breath, the shampoo scent and body warmth I'd ignored till now.
They invaded my space without a care, claiming it as yours.
...That's cheating, lying down sideways like that.
I squeezed my eyes shut tight.
"I wanted to do this with you."
The music had cut off sometime ago.
"Right now, I'm so incredibly happy, you know?"
"......"
"If you'd just look into my eyes here, it'd be absolutely perfect."
A whispered chant.
Not a witch casting a spell.
Not a plea for my gaze.
An appeal. Or more like a spoiled whine.
The voice, fragile as if it'd scatter any moment, trailed off at the end with a wistful laugh.
But it felt like she was forcing a smile, insisting this was enough.
Cheating.
How could I not meet her eyes?
"Me too."
I opened my eyes.
Turned my head.
Your exquisitely beautiful face, your pupils, filled my sight.
"I've never not looked at you."
Her deepened gaze told me.
I love you.
Her gentle smile waited.
Tell me your story.
"Think you can push me away just by pushing."
Emotions thickening.
I poured them into my voice, not missing a drop.
"At first, I believed I could. Because you didn't love me. Because my heart couldn't fill yours. Because I believed I was nothing to you."
What expression was I wearing now?
I didn't know. Her faint smile comforted me, letting me bare my soul.
"One last question, Chaewon."
Please feel the same.
"What do I mean to you?"
I smiled.
+++
Heart fluttering. Thumping.
And so.
"First love."
I met her eyes and answered.
"The person who taught me what love is."
For some reason, my eyes rimmed red.
"It'd hurt if you're not by my side. I'd regret it forever if I didn't tell you how I feel. When I'm crying, I want you—no one else—to hold me."
"......"
"I don't want to relegate you to a memory once time heals it. I don't want you fading in my recollections as just 'someone I once cherished.'"
I smiled to swallow the tears.
You watched me calmly.
"Even if you hate me, I'd forgive it. Even if it destroys me, I want to cling on. I don't want to see anyone else by your side—and if it's not me, I won't wish for your happiness."
Though I could never hate you...
I lowered my head and bit my lip lightly.
It hits while I speak.
I realize as I say it.
"You're my first love. The one who taught me so much, someone I can never forget."
I really love you so much.
"Sorry. I didn't know how to accept love when you loved me. Still don't know how to give it. And yet I'm hurting you."
Tears fell.
Since they'd fallen anyway, I smiled with my eyes.
"To Han Chaewon, Kang Yumin is first love. And the love that wants to be her last."
I spoke deliberately, drop by drop.
Remember.
Don't forget what you mean to me, what you are.
One sentence at a time, solely for that.
The pillow dampened bit by bit.
More than I thought.
Embarrassed by myself, a laugh slipped out.
"My world won't end without you, but I want you there at its end, Minah."
"......"
"Sorry, tears just came... wet the pillow..."
I slipped out and sat up lightly.
Need a new one. Swallowing an awkward laugh, I hurried to get up.
"If you can't bring yourself to hate me even hating."
Our clasped hands yanked me hard.
You broke me down.
"Me too. You're my first love."
You mounted me, inescapable.
Locked our other hands too, closing the gap.
"If you want me by your side when your world ends."
You closed your eyes.
"Me too. You're my last love."
As our lips met.
"So I love you, Chaewon."
At the end of 15 years, we are in love.
Epilogue
"...But you really can't kiss."
"...Is that what you say right now?"
"Can't means can't—what can you do?"
"Sorry I'm a lifelong single. Ha, but you filmed a kiss scene——."
"Hey! Was that a kiss scene? Our lips didn't even touch?!"
"Exactly, so you can't either. Both sucking at it and blaming others? Total flop."
"......"
"......"
"Hey... Then we practice. Right? Let's practice."
"...Look at you lighting up. How'd you hold out all this time?"
"Oh? 'First time' my ass—you went at it with your tongue like a pro?"
"......Shut up."
"......"
"......"
"Hey."
"Yeah."
"One more time."
"......"
"Answer."
"No time for that—just do it, we're not kids—what per—?!"
"You told me not to hold back."
"I never said tha—?!"
"Kang Yumin, get ready. Think you've slept enough."