Chapter 29
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 29
Chapter Title: PD-nim, I'm Going Public with My Relationship
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I set down the coffee and bread I'd brought on the back side of the table, away from the front cluttered with all sorts of things.
Sudden visitors had clearly startled them.
I gave a slight smile and offered a greeting first.
"Thank you for making time for me today."
"Time...?"
"...I forgot. I texted last night that I'd stop by."
"Oh, did you...?"
The PD-nim wore an awkward expression, and the writer-nim finally pieced it together.
Seeing their polar-opposite faces, I could tell a whole conversation was about to erupt between them, so I quickly wedged myself in.
"Have some whenever you get a chance while working. I got these from a really tasty place last night."
"From that spot, right? The one in Seongsa-dong."
When I hurriedly showed off the wrapped bread, the PD-nim's eyes lit up.
Jo Yoon-ah swallowed hard at the sight of the night milk bread.
"Ooh~. You know your bread."
"Back in college, I loved it so much I hunted down all the famous bakeries."
I winked playfully, and the PD-nim smiled and nodded.
With thanks, he readily picked up one piece of bread.
The writer-nim followed suit, smiling that she'd enjoy it and pulling out three cream puffs, then stashing the rest in the mini-fridge.
I took out a cream puff for myself and looked around.
"Don't see the two of you around?"
"The maknaes are out on location scouting. Ah, if I hadn't forgotten, you could've had tea time with the idols. Sorry about that."
"Too bad. I even brought four coffees to match the headcount."
"Can't be helped. But hey, I'll still brag later that Chaewon stopped by."
"Hehe, want to take a proof pic together for later?"
I chuckled lightly and carefully took a seat.
The two of them settled comfortably into their chairs and started on the bread, and for a while, we chatted about Seoul's top three bakeries with the PD-nim.
"I came by today because I have a lot of apologies to make, all things considered."
As the small talk wrapped up nicely, I cautiously broached the main topic.
They smiled, but it wasn't entirely bright.
Reading that, the writer-nim and PD-nim looked like they sensed it wasn't lighthearted, but they soon forced brighter expressions.
I gazed steadily into their eyes one after the other before speaking.
"If things keep going like this, the show’s going to be in real trouble, right?"
"Trouble...? You saw our reactions on set—it was super fun."
The PD-nim responded right away.
It was reflexive, but knowing Yoon-ah PD-nim wasn't just saying empty words made my guilt swell even more.
"No, not the fun part. What I mean is..."
I hesitated. The fact that I'd created this situation felt like such a huge imposition on them, disqualifying me as a cast member, and the words wouldn't come out easily.
Still, facing it head-on and begging forgiveness was the right thing, so I downed a cup of coffee and cleared my throat calmly.
I let out a deep breath and spoke.
"Yumin and I... we have these ridiculous feelings for each other. ...Yeah. I know full well that editing can't just cut it out. I'm so sorry about that."
I felt utterly shameless, and a sloppy smile crept onto my face unbidden.
It wasn't a smiling matter, so I forced it down and apologized.
"You weren't preparing and filming with something like this in mind. Because of my immature emotions, I've caused the production team so much trouble. I'm truly sorry."
I stood and bowed deeply.
"Ch-Chaewon?!"
"No need to bow like that...!!"
"I have to. Because of my personal issues, I've burdened the production team with something they shouldn't have to bear. I'd bow a hundred times if I could."
"W-We’re really fine, so please just... lift your head somehow...!!"
"Don’t. I never imagined anything like this...!!"
The two of them jumped up, urgently trying to raise me.
Having come to apologize only to end up making them apologize instead, I gave an awkward smile and straightened up.
"I came today because I wanted to talk about this with you two."
"Around late October 2019, there was a time when I took about half a year off from activities."
I started rambling while staring at the pristine white table.
"That was right when 'Secret' was getting so much love from everyone."
"I remember. That was Ever's first time on the Billboard charts."
"Yes. Thanks to that, we toured performances across the US and even did talk shows. My break came near the very end."
I took a sip of coffee.
Slowly recalling those memories from that day.
They were still unpleasant and overwhelming, unchanged...
"I ended up in the hospital. For about a month."
But now, facing it didn't hurt anymore.
"...The hospital?"
"Yeah. After schedules, I got home and just collapsed. Honestly, that's when I realized. Ah, this is a panic attack."
"......"
"Ah, no need for such serious faces. I've overcome it magnificently now."
I flashed a big smile to lighten the suddenly heavy mood, but their expressions didn't improve much.
Honestly, it was a natural reaction.
What response could anyone have to an entertainer, always showing only her bright side, suddenly announcing she'd collapsed from panic attacks?
Even I'd be speechless, frozen with no idea what face to make.
I shrugged unnecessarily and continued.
"All sorts of complications came with it. Panic disorder led to depression, depression brought agoraphobia, social avoidance, OCD, depersonalization... Anyway, a ton of -phobias and disorders."
"......"
"Common story. Stress piled up, but I didn't know how to protect myself from it. And no one wants to see my weak side. Not that I wanted to show it, so I hid it deep in a corner of my heart. But one day, my heart couldn't take it anymore. That was it."
I nodded slightly, speaking in short, deliberate sentences.
"Health deterioration. It's true, but it felt strange. In my life, getting 'sick' just meant lying in bed with the flu."
The smile faded from my face.
But soon enough, I managed a rough smile and met their eyes.
"Yumin helped me a lot."
Your face came to mind.
"Lots of people around me helped, but the biggest reason I could get back on stage, smiling and meeting fans again, was because Yumin was by my side."
"......"
"You know the college entrance exam is the third Thursday in November, right? I collapsed exactly on October 19th. About a month before the exam. Even while I was in the hospital, he came every single day. Round trip an hour each way."
I still remember it.
Your face, forcing a calm smile while looking at collapsed me.
"It's absurd. In the military, they don't shoot guns for the exam, and planes don't take off at airports. Plus, he was aiming for Seoul National University. Really, it made no sense for him to visit like that."
"......"
"But when you're mentally wrecked in a hospital, your mindset flips to whatever. I felt guilty but also weirdly annoyed every time he came. 'Leave me alone. I can get through this without you.' I yelled and screamed, and Yumin just said one thing."
———Pupils.
"Pupils...?"
"I still don't get it, but apparently my pupils tremble when I lie. So he put it shortly. 'Don't pretend to be strong. Don't lie.'"
I tried to hold back emotions and smiled faintly.
...Ha, really. I tried to smile brightly, untouched by grime, but what ended up on my lips was a smile soaked in loneliness.
The rookie award from the Baeksang Arts Awards might need returning after all.
"As you might've guessed, I like Yumin."
"———."
"And as you can see, Yumin likes me too. But no matter how much I push, this heartless guy won't accept it."
I deliberately grumbled playfully with a laugh.
"......Ch-Chaewon?"
"......"
I'd expected it, but yeah, super awkward reactions.
Well, I'd just casually confessed to panic disorder—something not even in articles—then topped it with my love life.
As an idol, no less.
Even I thought the conversation flow was ridiculous, and a late, hollow laugh burst out.
"That's why the ambiguous vibe keeps happening. I was a total mess back then, so it shocked Yumin too. He's probably still blaming himself. 'Chaewon suffered because I didn't notice. So a guy like me doesn't deserve to love anyone.' Something like that."
"...So that's what that look in his eyes meant."
"As expected, PD-nim and writer-nim knew something. Yeah. So he's doing that Hong Gil-dong style love. Loves me but can't say it—the most absurd kind."
I shrugged and lifted my cup with both hands to drink the coffee.
Now that the real main topic was out, my mouth wouldn't open easily, so I ended up eating another cream puff I'd brought as a gift...
But eventually, we have to face it.
"I'm really sorry for the huge trouble I've caused you two."
I bowed my head once more.
"...Trouble? Who'd call this trouble after hearing it?"
"PD Yoon-ah's right. If anything, we're grateful you shared something so hard to talk about."
"Still, this must've worried you endlessly. I heard PD-nim's been pulling all-nighters over this, not going home for ages..."
"...Ah, that."
"See? Overtime's the worst."
The PD-nim bit her lip sheepishly, while the writer-nim shook her head with a wry smile.
Gauging their moods a bit, I brought up what I'd planned to say.
"What I really wanted to tell you is that I wanted to discuss changing the direction of this content. I know it's incredibly rude for a non-director like me to butt in."
"Rude? No director or writer would call a cast member who cares this much about the show rude."
"Exactly. I was shocked you apologized so formally. First time in my PD career."
"...I'm ashamed."
"Ah, no?! That's not what I meant to—!!"
"Anyway! Whatever you want to say, we know you care about the show as much as we do, so please, speak freely."
The PD-nim and writer-nim responded enthusiastically.
Feeling their genuine sincerity without a hint of falsehood made my heart ache deeply.
I'm working with such grateful people.
With the resolve never to betray that, I spoke with determination.
"From the panic disorder story to how Yumin and I truly feel about each other—show it all, unfiltered. Nothing hidden."
This might— no, definitely—change my life.
"For that, I'm here first to get permission from you two, the directors. Of course, I'll tell everyone else who needs to approve the same way. And if even one says no, I'll take responsibility for ending this show myself———."
"No need to be so formal, Chaewon."
"......"
"We're in the same boat."
The PD-nim gently patted my back.
The unexpected warmth melted my tense expression.
"From a director's view, this is actually a thankful and fun opportunity."
"......Writer-nim."
"I'm the thankful one. So don't feel burdened."
The writer-nim nodded with a warm smile.
I blankly alternated glances between their faces, and as my eyes welled up, the PD-nim quickly handed me tissues with a smile.
"So. Who’s next on the permission list? Sounds like it'll be more than a couple people."
"...For that, I'll call right now."
I pressed the tissue to absorb the tears pooling at my eyes and made the call.
At my sudden action, the two watched curiously...
-Hey, Chaewon~.
"Ah, hello, PD-nim."
"...Wait, that voice couldn't be."
The PD-nim's face slowly changed at the brief voice.
And for good reason—the person I called was someone no one at JP could possibly not know.
"PD-nim, I'm going public with my relationship."
JP's founder and CEO, to me, the familiar producer, Ki Jeong-pyo PD-nim.
-...Chaewon? What do you mean? I didn't hear wrong, did I?
In an instant, PD-nim's voice turned desperate.