The Minion Forest (1)
Sophia seemed thrilled about Lan-lan-i's first battle. She bounced up and down with excitement.
"Go, Lan-lan-i!"
"Fiiine..."
Lan-lan-i stuck out her lip and trudged forward. The wild human jolted in alarm and leveled his club at her.
"Vampire? My blood tastes awful! Get lost!"
"Lan-lan-i."
Cheonsol's voice dropped low.
"So thou canst not even tell a vampire from a Vampir. Lan-lan-i. A true Vampir ought never be a picky eater—but that ignorant creature is the exception. Stupidity may be contagious, so simply thrash him to a pulp."
She was angrier than I had ever seen her. For Cheonsol, whose pride as a race far superior to mere vampires ran bone-deep, the insult must have been unbearable.
"Really?"
Lan-lan-i, who had been thoroughly deflated, perked right back up.
"I really don't have to eat him?"
"Hast thou not even passed the stage of eating to survive? So long as thou art not picky, this lady shall not order thee to consume junk food."
"Waaah! Mom's the best!"
Lan-lan-i threw both arms up and hopped for joy. The wild human seemed to take her delight as a threat; he shoved his hips back and snarled.
"This our territory! Go away! Hisss!"
He swung his club through empty air. Sophia thrust out her arm with gusto.
"Lan-lan-i! Body slam!"
"Ehh. It'll get dirt on my clothes."
"Lan-lan-i!"
There was a magic phrase we had drilled into her for this very day.
"Say the phrase!"
"Okay!"
Lan-lan-i crossed both arms over her chest and shot Sophia a sideways glare.
"No! I don't wanna! Don't make me!"
"What?"
Sophia was so flabbergasted she lost her words. Her eyes, when they found me, had gone completely unfocused.
"Master isn't giving weird orders! The Mad Demon's phrase worked!"
"Of course it did. Who do you think taught her that line? Make good use of it in battles from now on, yeah?"
"Yeah!"
Having knocked her goddess out cold before the battle even started, Lan-lan-i swung her fist at the wild human.
"Die!"
Her blood vessels burst open; blood surged out and clumped around her fist like a glove.
"Guaaagh!!"
The wild human took it square in the face, squealed like a stuck pig, and went flying. He hit the ground, and a little ring of stars began spinning over his head.
"Sophia. Is that the KO indicator? Earth games put stun effects on like that, so the Game of the Gods probably does the same, right? But why aren't they disappearing? Ah—because you have to capture him as a minion, so it leaves him stunned long enough for you to grab him."
"Uh... uh?"
Sophia stared at me even more horrified than before. Cheonsol, Krista, and the slave spirit all did the same.
The only ones whose gazes toward me hadn't changed were Lan-lan-i and Evni.
Tilt-tilt!
Lulu still didn't count as a person. Honestly, even after she was born I wasn't sure she would. With a Death Knight for a mother, she'd probably come out undead.
Shudder!
"M-Mad Demon. Hast thou struck thy head? Or was thy visit home so brief that homesickness has addled thee?"
"Y-yeah. Are you okay?"
"Why is everyone acting like this?"
"Yohan said something way too smart. I thought he'd cracked his skull."
Wasn't it usually the other way around? If head trauma made you smarter, every Korean student prepping for the college exams would be walking around with a concussion on purpose.
"I have always been wise. Kindly address me as the Sage of Earth."
"Mad Demon. One does not bestow the title of sage so lightly."
"No, I've got more than enough qualifications."
Every man has the makings of a sage. The more post-nut clarity a guy has endured, the stronger his claim to the title.
"Whatever, close enough. Like Yohan said, if you drain a wild human's HP all the way down, they faint and enter a capturable state. You can try persuading them too, but this is the standard method."
"So are you going to catch him? I'd rather you didn't."
"Just in case—let me check his stats first."
Sophia looked over the stats and shrugged.
"Not a single talent. Might as well let him go."
She waved her arm, and the wild human vanished. A thought struck me, so I asked.
"We're beating up wild humans who were minding their own business and then dumping them back. Don't the more sensitive gods complain?"
"It's fine, it's fine. The gods who kick up a fuss are mostly rich ones, you know? They got roasted for kicking away the ladder poor gods use to climb up, and they shut up pretty quick."
"It is an act that rightly deserves scorn. The battle just now may be considered a trial to become Master's minion. That failure does not cost them their lives is already a merciful disposition."
The scent of blood hung thick in Cheonsol's words. As expected of our Vampir Heavenly Demon Mama.
Wait. Cheonsol was a blood-wielding race—was "Heavenly Demon" even right? She was closer to a Blood Cult than a Demonic Cult. Shouldn't it be Blood Demon?
"Cheonsol, do you prefer Blood Demon or Heavenly Demon?"
"Cease thy nonsense and praise Lan-lan-i. The child is waiting, is she not?"
"Ah!"
I had almost forgotten to congratulate my adorable daughter on her first battle win. It was exactly this kind of casual neglect that piled up and drove wedges between fathers and daughters.
I had to be careful.
"Our Lan-lan-i! Congrats on your first battle win! Taking down even a wild human in one hit—and that technique of wrapping blood around your fist was seriously cool!"
"Heheheh."
Lan-lan-i's pointed ears twitched. Her mouth fell open in a goofy grin, sharp fangs on full display.
"This lady thought the same. Wounding oneself to draw blood is not the most efficient method—but Lan-lan-i has self-healing, so it should serve her well."
"Yeah! I just heal it back with self-healing! And my Bond is E-rank, so I can use it four times!"
While I was listening to Lan-lan-i brag, Evni toddled over to Sophia with little pol-pol-pol steps.
"Evni also..."
"Aww. Sad that only your big sister got to battle?"
Sophia stroked Evni's hair.
"Evni can battle when she's all grown up, okay?"
"..."
Nod-nod.
Evni toddled back over to me the same way. She stretched both arms up, so I scooped her up.
"Daddy..."
"You want to grow up fast? If you eat well without being picky, sleep well, and listen to Mommy and Daddy, you'll grow up in no time."
"Promise..."
I hooked my pinky with Evni's and sealed the deal. Lan-lan-i's ears were standing a little less proudly than before.
"Shall we keep walking, then? Since we're already here, we ought to find at least five wild humans."
"It'd be good experience for Lan-lan-i before the regular season starts."
"This lady is of the same mind."
We set off through the forest again.
"Oh? There's an herb over there!"
Partway along, Krista spotted some herbs and we stopped for a moment. Mini-Lirota, being small-bodied, could work with delicate precision and managed to dig them up without damaging even the fine root hairs.
"It's a tonic herb. Brew it into a tea and it restores a minion's stamina. Mostly used to treat minions suffering from post-battle aftereffects."
I was listening to Krista—earth spirit and herb expert—explain when another wild human appeared.
"A woman who walks on two legs..."
More precisely, it was a wild dryad.
"Sophia. You said this was the Forest of Wild Humans. Are dryads human too?"
"Oops. I stopped by Earth, where there are only humans, and it stuck in my mouth. It's not the Forest of Wild Humans—it's the Forest of Wild Minions. Every kind of minion shows up."
"I see."
"What? Anyone can make a mistake!"
I hadn't even teased her and Sophia was already mad. Had I ribbed her so often that she now pre-emptively blew up?
Like Pavlov's dog drooling at the bell—maybe Sophia had developed a habit of getting angry whenever her mistakes were pointed out.
And when the goddess got angry, her chest bounced. A truly righteous habit. I would have to tease her even more often from now on.
"Mommy, what's a dryad?"
"Judging by her appearance and the wood-ki I sense, she is likely a human who has become one with a tree."
"Close enough. She belongs to a spirit-type race similar to Krista or Lirota, except she has a physical body like a human. You could call her a half-human, half-spirit."
"Half-human, half-spirit?"
Now that was a title that got the blood pumping. It basically meant ancient humans had screwed spirits and produced a whole new race.
I had the urge to become the progenitor of a race myself. I really wanted to use Impregnating on Krista.
"Ah. I should go mini too."
As a high-ranking spirit, Krista's crisis-evasion instincts were terrifyingly sharp.
"Half-human, half-spirit is good news. That means she has blood."
"Indeed. Lan-lan-i. Go and show her thy skill."
"Okay!"
Mother and daughter struck a cool pose—but the trainer wasn't Cheonsol. Sophia thrust out her arm in grand fashion.
"Go, Lan-lan-i!"
"Yes!"
"A vampire? No—it's broad daylight, so a Vampir. Vampirs are rare. How curious."
The dryad licked her lips as she eyed Lan-lan-i. The dirt under Lan-lan-i's feet began to shift.
I started to shout a warning, but Cheonsol stopped me.
"It is the child's battle."
"Right. Even if she takes a hit, it'll be good experience for her."
"Lan-lan-i! The dryad sent roots underground! Dodge!"
Cheonsol glared at Sophia, then let out a sigh.
"Haa. Trainer and minion—I suppose such advice is only natural."
"Hiyah!"
Lan-lan-i launched herself into the air to avoid the tree roots bursting from the ground.
"Foolish Vampir."
The dryad sneered and extended wooden vines. The tendrils writhed like tentacles, reaching to bind Lan-lan-i.
"Lan-lan-i is smart! She's the big sister of Evni and Evril and Lulu!"
Lan-lan-i raked her nails across her own arm. Droplets of blood transformed into dozens of blades and shredded the vines into several pieces.
A few vines the blood-blades missed still came for her, but Lan-lan-i spun a full revolution in midair and slipped past them. She stuck the landing after her aerial flip.
"Got you."
A thick tree root coiled tight around Lan-lan-i's ankle.