Thank You for Staying Alive

I couldn't sleep.

Leaning against the headboard, I glared at the Black Record Slate. The room was silent. The chandelier's dim light. Red velvet walls. The sealed iron door. Silver chains linked to the bedposts. And the Imperial Restraints clamped around my right wrist.

Clink.

The chains rattled with the slightest movement. The sound drove a person mad. It wasn't loud. But it was too clear. It constantly reminded me of my range of motion, how many steps my freedom allowed.

Not enough to reach the door. Not even the slate. Precisely long enough for the bed area.

She calculated this viciously.

I looked down at the restraints. The silver metal surface faintly glowed with the imperial sun emblem. Every time it shimmered, my wrist pulse felt forcibly suppressed.

It didn't hurt. That made it worse.

These restraints didn't harm me. They just kept me from escaping. That was exactly what Arielra meant by "protection." No pain. No injury. But no leaving.

This is scarier.

I turned my gaze aside. Arielra sat in the chair beside the bed. She wasn't asleep. She was watching me. More precisely, alternating between my face, left shoulder, and the restraints on my right wrist. Like someone who believed I might vanish, shatter, or die again right before her eyes.

Her stare was too heavy.

"Aren't you sleeping, Your Highness?"

My voice came out dry. Arielra blinked.

"Once you do."

"You mean you'll sleep after I do?"

"No." She answered quietly. "I need to see if you have nightmares."

"That's called surveillance."

"It's protection."

"Aren't you overusing that word?"

"Less than you abused insults while saving me."

I shut my mouth. She had a point. Before, she'd crush opponents with princessly arrogance and logic. Now, she pierced the gaps in my lies perfectly. The slate had given her too many weapons.

"Your Highness."

"Arielra."

She corrected instantly. I paused. Arielra stared straight at me.

"Call me by name."

"No."

"You just did."

"A mistake."

"Then make mistakes. Keep doing it."

No reasoning with her. I swallowed a sigh.

"Arielra."

Her fingertips twitched. Too big a reaction for just a name.

"Leave before the slate activates again."

"Why?"

"You won't like what you see."

"I'll see what you're hiding."

"That's why you should leave."

Arielra smiled faintly. Her eyes were a bit red underneath.

"That's even more reason to stay."

"Why do you want to see so badly?"

"Because you made me see you."

"What do you mean?"

Arielra pointed at the Black Record Slate hovering in the air.

"I didn't know you."

Her voice was low.

"I thought you were the man who insulted me. The one who trampled my pride and mocked my weakest moment."

"Think that."

"No."

Immediate refusal.

"I can't anymore."

I reflexively tried to rise.

Clink.

The chain yanked taut. My right wrist stopped.

"Damn it."

The curse slipped out softly. Arielra heard. Her gaze dropped to my wrist. The restraints blocked my movement. For a brief moment, pain crossed her face. But she didn't release me.

"Don't hurt yourself."

"You won't get hurt if you don't move."

"Not the words of someone who made it impossible to move."

"Yes."

Arielra didn't deny it.

"So you hate me?"

I started to answer. Yes. Hate me. Let me go now. That would do it. But a system window appeared in my peripheral vision.

As always, my lips moved before I could.

"Do you think you're worth hating?"

The room chilled. Even I heard how cruel it was. Arielra held her breath. But no anger. She just lowered her eyes.

"As expected."

She said quietly.

"You always pick words that hurt me most."

"That's how you take it, Your Highness."

"No."

Arielra looked at me.

"You know exactly and say them."

I couldn't reply. She was right. Even if the system ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠distorted, those words targeted the most painful spots. It used my knowledge—heroines' weaknesses, wounds, fears—to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠craft favorability-dropping lines efficiently.

That made me hate it more. I couldn't pretend the words from my mouth weren't my responsibility.

"Don't watch."

I said again. This time, more plea than command.

"Please."

Arielra's eyes wavered. It reached her. But too late.

I held my breath.

Damn, wasn't full restoration tomorrow?

Arielra held hers too. The air in the room sank. As if the entire chamber awaited the voice about to echo.

A long-ago imperial palace banquet appeared on the slate. Ornate chandelier. Music. Nobles' laughter. Red wine in a golden goblet. And me, snatching and drinking it.

Arielra had seen this scene. But this time, with sound.

Swallowing the wine. Goblet rolling on the carpet. My breath cutting short. And a cough like a breaking heart.

In the record, blood trickled from my lips. Yet I smiled.

That voice—I knew it. Cold. Mocking. Dry. Cruel.

Arielra's hands trembled. But she didn't look away.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to hear it. Really didn't.

But an unfamiliar version of my voice echoed in the chamber.

Arielra froze. I clenched my fists.

In the record, I vomited blood.

Another voice followed.

I gritted my teeth. Stop. Please stop.

Arielra's lips parted. No words came.

The recorded Arielra raged. That day's her knew nothing. Not that I'd drunk poison, was dying, or what words I'd swallowed inside. So she could rage. Believe she'd been insulted. That belief shattered now.

Knife-sharp words. Then overlaid actual voice.

The recorded me staggered. Hands shook. Legs buckled. But I endured, refusing to fall. Then actual voice again.

Time stopped. The slate's light. The chandelier's faint sway. The restraints' pulse on my wrist. Everything halted.

I couldn't look at Arielra. Couldn't face her after those words. I shouldn't have said them to her. That I was relieved she lived. That her hate was okay. That I wanted her happy.

That couldn't be exposed. I had to be the thorough villain. Yet the slate dismantled my lies bone by bone.

"…"

Arielra said nothing. That scared me more. I slowly raised my head.

Arielra stood. Or seemed to. Her eyes utterly broken. Blue lost focus. Lips slightly parted, fingertips trembling faintly. Tears flowed silently, unaware she cried.

Empire's sun. Princess. Arielra von Esterria. All titles stripped. Left: the woman who'd repaid her savior with cruelest hate.

"Like that."

She barely spoke.

"Is that what you wanted to say?"

No answer.

"That day."

She ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠stepped closer.

"Were you saying that to me?"

Silence. System window.

Good. Cruel words. Push her away again. I thought.

"Hearing it now doesn't change anything."

My lips moved.

"You survived in the end, Your Highness. I achieved my goal. No need for sentiment."

Arielra laughed. Tiny. Not human.

"Sentiment."

She repeated.

"You call it sentiment."

"Accurate."

"You said thank you for staying alive."

I shut up.

"Said you didn't want to die."

Another step.

"Said it hurt."

Her voice lowered.

"Said you were scared."

Clink.

I instinctively recoiled. Back hit headboard. Nowhere left.

Arielra stood before me. Close. Too close. Rose scent choked. Mixed faint tear, herb, cold imperial perfume.

"Why."

Arielra whispered.

"Why smile at me like that?"

I looked up. She cried. But eyes didn't. Deeper than tears: guilt. Regret. Rage. Possession. And crumbling reason's final grasp.

Can't let this man go.

That conclusion burned black in her pupils.

"Why save me?"

"Needed to."

"Lie."

"Believe what you want, Your Highness."

"Lie."

Her hand touched my cheek. Hot. Shockingly. I turned away reflexively. Her hand gripped my jaw. Firmly. No escape.

"Look."

"At me, Leon."

"No."

"Look."

Soft voice. Irresistible command. I looked. Arielra's face inches away. Tear-soaked blue eyes. Trembling lashes. Pale lips from suppressed emotion. Her fingertips stroked my cheek slowly. Like confirming I lived.

"Warm."

She murmured.

"You're warm."

"I'm human."

"That day too."

Her eyes shook.

"Dying, still warm."

I inhaled sharply. Ominous. Arielra blurred past and present. Overlaid dying record-me with chained now-me.

Her hand paused near my lips. Not touching. Hovering close, trembling fingertips circling air.

"These lips."

"Always lied."

"Your Highness."

"Insulted me with them."

Fingertips descended. To jaw end.

"Pushed me away."

Her thumb traced jawline, stopped below throat. Breath caught. Touch not rough. Too restrained. Like knowing slight force breaks me. Made me want to flee more.

"Cried you didn't want to die."

I raised hand to push. Clink. Right blocked. Left shoulder pain prevented lift. Nothing. Truly nothing. That chilled my body.

No. I hate this.

Arielra saw my face. Hers twisted.

"Scared?"

I gritted teeth.

"Even if I say no, you won't believe."

"Yes."

Instant.

"I won't."

"Why ask?"

"Want to hear."

"What."

"Your real voice."

Breath stopped. Arielra leaned closer. Bed edge sank. She sat beside. No escape. Right: chain. Left: injured shoulder. Front: Arielra. Felt re-imprisoned in the chamber.

Arielra slowly wrapped my right hand. Restrained one. Her hands trembled.

"Say it again."

"What."

"Thank you for staying alive."

I looked at her.

"No reason to."

"There is."

"No."

"There is."

Arielra's voice shook.

"For me, there is."

I sealed lips. Can't say it. To current Arielra, it might break her irreparably. Or maybe too late. Still, no. Must push her to villain-hater role. For our survival.

I opened mouth.

"That delusion's a sickness, Arielra."

Cold voice.

"Don't cling to a slate afterimage, twisting past. No need for your thanks or guilt, Your Highness. Never wanted your emotions."

Perfect. Cruel, cold, no escape. But Arielra didn't crumble. Stared deeper.

"Emotions."

"Don't say it like that."

"Truth."

"No."

Arielra pulled my hand to her chest. Precisely, gripped restrained right with both hands, pressed near heart. Thin fabric: her ample breast softly crushed my hand back. Hot, embarrassingly soft.

In this insanely heavy, sad moment, young healthy body ignored reason, sent reflexive heat below.

Ah, damn. Why react like this?

Horrified, I stiffened. Breath held, unsure where to look. But Arielra ignored my impure fluster. Hugged my rigid hand deeper to heart.

"Feel it?"

Couldn't answer. Or mouth might make weird sound, forced shut.

"You made this."

Her voice wet.

"You saved me, deceived me, made me hate you, made me like this."

"Your responsibility, Your Highness."

"Yes."

She laughed.

"So I'll take it."

Words off. Direction wrong. Unease swelled.

"How."

"By never leaving you alone again."

"That's not responsibility. Obsession."

"Then I'll obsess."

Instant. Speechless.

Arielra no longer denied. "Protection"-wrapped emotion shed shell after real voice. Knew abnormal, but no intent to stop.

"Can't hate you."

"Can't forgive either."

"No need."

"No. There is."

Her hands gripped tighter.

"I must forgive you. For deceiving me. Saving and abandoning me. Crying you didn't want to die, yet smiling before me."

"…"

"But can't yet."

Her eyes darkened.

"Forgiving might mean releasing you."

Breath choked. Arielra didn't release. Leaned closer. Forehead near my right shoulder. Avoided injured left. That care suffocated more.

"Don't want to let go."

Arielra whispered.

"Even if you hate me."

"…"

"Even if you're scared."

"…"

"Even if you come to hate me."

Her breath grazed neck. Stiffened. Precarious distance. Not crossed line, but pressed to it.

Arielra felt reaction. Stopped. Tiny, pained laugh.

"See."

"You're scared like this, yet pretend okay."

"…"

"That's why no."

Her arms moved slowly. I tried evade. Couldn't. Arielra hugged. Carefully. No shoulder touch. No restraint dig. Yet no escape gap. Perfectly calculated embrace.

Breath held. Princess's hot body heat pierced thin clothes fully. Ample breasts pressed seamlessly to chest. Soft, heavy feel rubbed overtly with breaths. Rose scent thickened. Tear-wet hot breath tickled nape.

Situation wretchedly bleak, sad. Body brutally honest. Healthy youth mocked reason, heat surged abdomen.

Ah, going mad. Notice, body!

Inner scream, reflexively arched waist back. Reason's desperate bid from dangerous stimulation. But tiny rebellion snapped Arielra's fraying reason thread.

"Where going."

Hand clutching hem rose, roughly cupped nape and cheek. Eyes met lifted hers. Breath stopped.

Blue pupils. No—light gone, pitch black dead, utterly mad eyes.

"No. Can't go anywhere."

No time defend. Arielra's face neared, lips crashed roughly.

"Mmph, ngh…!"

Not soft kiss. Starved beast tearing prey. Lips crushed mercilessly, hot slick tongue forced gap, devoured breath. Sloppy, wet sounds echoed chamber. Choked, twisted head, but jaw grip abnormally strong. Ample breasts crushed chest, rubbed hot with rough breaths. Maddening. Coercive kiss, soft pressure contradiction: lower heat boiled, spine iced by mad obsession.

"Hah, Leon, mmph…"

Name slipped mid-lip-lock. Resisted, raised left—shoulder pain swallowed groan. Right chained, rattled air. Clink, clink! Silver chains barbarically mixed sloppy kiss sounds.

How long. Lungs emptied, vision blurred—then Arielra slowly parted lips.

"Hah, hah…"

Silver saliva stretched, snapped between flushed lips. Arielra looked down dazed face with wet eyes. Still unfocused, chillingly desirous gaze. Tongue licked red lips, whispered.

"Now, every lie, I'll seal your mouth like this."

Mad. Truly. But not sudden. I made it. My lies. My barbs. Hidden sacrifice. Desired hate. All rotted late into guilt inside her.

That rot now held me.

"I."

Arielra said.

"Can't hate you again."

Hand to cheek.

"But saying love—you're too cruel."

Fingertips trembled.

"Don't know."

She laughed.

"What to call this feeling."

No reply. Couldn't.

Arielra slowly neared face. Suddenly, room sounds faded. Chains. Slate pulse. Heartbeat.

Arielra eyes open. Blue stared straight.

"Scared?"

Asked again. Must answer. Lie.

"Not at all."

Mouth said. Cold, dry. But system window glitched oddly.

Inhaled sharply. What?

Arielra's eyes shook. Lips moved again. Unintended words. Not system's cruelty.

"Scared."

Room froze. Me. Arielra.

Tiny word. Breath-like. But she heard. Clearly.

Sealed mouth. Too late. Arielra's eyes shook wide.

"Leon."

She called. Dangerous. Must speak. Push away. Mistake. System error. Meaningless.

"That was…"

Lips moved. But Arielra's finger to my lips. Not touching. Hovering block.

"Don't say."

Whispered.

"Another lie."

Speechless. Arielra's face fully crumbled. No mad smile. No princess arrogance. No cold possession ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠resolve. Left: guilt. Deep, indistinguishable from love.

"You were scared."

"Even now."

Avoided gaze. She cupped cheek.

"But I'm."

Voice trembled.

"Making you scared."

Silent. Strangely, no urge contradict.

Arielra tightened hug arms. Not painful. But inescapable.

"Sorry."

"Sorry, Leon."

Eyes closed. Hate apologies. Hurt more than hate.

"But."

Of course. No release.

"Can't let go."

Voice low again. Soft, wet, sticky.

"I'll remove everything scaring you."

Hand gently stroked hair.

"Doors."

Touch soft.

"Blades."

Breath close.

"Poison."

Eyes insane.

"Slate, system, world."

Whispered near ear.

"Everything killing you again."

Hand wrapped restraints. Click. Sun emblem brighter.

"I'll stop them."

"…"

Insane. My fear strengthens her protection. More scared, more locked. Perfect ruin.

Tried push Arielra. Left shoulder hurt. Right restrained. Body exhausted. No strength.

Arielra didn't take as resistance. Held more carefully.

"It's okay."

"No need pretend strong."

"Your Highness."

"Arielra."

"Arielra."

Her name made her breath tremble.

"Please."

Teeth gritted. Shouldn't say. But did.

"Please, don't."

No distortion. Arielra paused. Looked at face. Regretted. Such words weakness. Weakness reason to hold.

Arielra didn't miss. Tears flowed again. But smiling.

"Finally."

"You begged me."

Truly fucked. Wanna go home.