Useless (1)
Saren was dead.
My twin sister, who had always looked only at me and loved only me, was gone. She no longer existed in this world.
But it was fine. I felt nothing.
If I wanted to see her, there was always a way to meet again. No—I was destined to see her again. So whether her throat was slit or she burned alive, there was no reason for me to feel even the slightest grief or pity just because the woman who had driven me to my death was gone.
Then why?
“Young master…”
“……”
Why were my eyes shedding tears without my permission? Why did my throat tighten, and why were my lips trembling?
Was it relief that the insane, madness-ridden woman had finally disappeared? Or was it despair at having to cross the threshold of death once more?
Both were wrong.
It was because the image of Saren—innocent and warm, if only for a fleeting moment—kept flickering before my eyes.
Even though there had never been any real familial love between us. Even though she had eventually killed me in the most brutal way possible. Why did only those moments linger, while everything else faded away?
“…Fuck.”
I raised my right arm and covered my eyes.
It wasn’t me who had driven that child into madness. But it was my fault. I was the one who had killed her fiancé and tried to violate her body. In the end, I was the one who had broken her. Therefore, I was the one who had to save her.
But before that—
“What about Chloe?”
“I don’t know.”
Chloe had to die in this life. Killing her in the next one would be meaningless. Only the Chloe of this life—the one who had killed Saren—had to die. I didn’t fully understand what that meant, but it didn’t matter.
“I’m sorry. It was clearly my failure that I could not protect the young lady.”
“No.”
When I lowered my arm, I saw Vivian kneeling beside the bed, tears streaming down her face. Why was this girl crying? Who had wrapped those bandages around her in the first place? Why did she look so heartbroken? It was something I could hardly understand.
“Vivian, tell me what happened that day.”
“Yes…”
She swallowed her sobs, nodded slowly, and began to speak.
“To be honest, I was too busy trying to escape while carrying you, young master, so I don’t know the details. By the time I opened my eyes, you were already on the verge of death…”
“Not me.”
I cut her off immediately.
“…?”
“I don’t want to hear about me. Tell me about Saren.”
“Ah.”
At my words, her moist eyelids lowered as she searched through her memories. After a moment, she continued in that same state.
“As you know, Lady Saren was never skilled in combat. She could only perform the most basic things she learned from you out of curiosity.”
“Yeah, I know.”
In truth, this was the first time I had learned that. Was that why she had used magic and summoned a sword? Still, when I saw her clashing weapons with Chloe, she hadn’t seemed completely helpless.
“Perhaps because of that, she was constantly overpowered by the saintess named Chloe. Elsia’s sword shattered, and the young lady’s body was horribly mangled.”
“……”
“I’m ashamed to say it, but between the two of you, I chose you, young master. I carried you and ran for a long time. But I was worried about the young lady, so I hid you for a moment and went back. Praying that I wouldn’t be too late. But… then… then…”
Vivian’s voice began to tremble, and fresh tears welled up again.
“By the time I returned, the young lady was already dead. Chloe was gone.”
“How?”
“…Pardon?”
“How exactly did she die?”
“It might be better if you don’t know…”
“Vivian.”
“……”
When I stared at her intently, she hesitated, lips twitching, before finally nodding.
“Her body was gone from the shoulders up. Even her head…”
“……”
I closed my eyes. In the darkness, Saren’s mutilated form appeared before me. I unconsciously clenched my teeth.
My own body had been destroyed because of her. I couldn’t even protect her when I didn’t know how to fight. And yet the guilt of failing to protect Saren tormented me relentlessly.
“Haa.”
I let out a quiet sigh and slowly turned my head. Through the crudely carved window on the wall, I could see a sky dyed red as if the sun were setting. At the same time, my brow furrowed.
Something felt off.
When the three of us had fled the mansion, every tree had been lush and green. The sunlight had been so intense that we sought shade to escape the heat. So why were there only yellow and red leaves visible now?
“Vivian. What season is it right now? I see fallen leaves.”
“Ah… it’s autumn.”
“…Autumn. I see.”
So the seasons had changed since that day. Only now did I understand why my bangs had been constantly bothering my vision. But it wasn’t particularly surprising. Time meant nothing to me. No matter how much passed, I could always turn it back.
“Could you open the window? The air feels stuffy.”
Perhaps that was why Vivian’s gaze toward me carried a hint of unease. It made sense. Her master’s younger sister had been brutally killed, and after several months of unconsciousness, he had woken up acting far too calm. Anyone would find that strange.
“Vivian?”
“Ah, yes. It’s cold outside, so I’ll cover you with the blanket first.”
She said nothing more. With a face full of unspoken questions, she simply pulled the blanket up to my neck. As her hair brushed against my cheek, it tickled. I unconsciously raised my hand to touch my face.
But my hand stopped abruptly.
I had touched it. Clearly.
…How?
“Young master? What’s wrong?”
“My… my hand… why…”
My right hand had definitely been cut off by Saren. My left arm had been severed all the way to the shoulder. That was how it should have been. So why was my right hand still attached? How were all five fingers moving exactly as I willed them to?
“When I regained consciousness, I attached it in a hurry. But… because of the fierce battle, the area was completely devastated. No matter how hard I searched, I couldn’t find your left arm. I’m sorry.”
Vivian bowed her head. I stared blankly at her golden crown.
To think she had such an ability. I knew she was a maid from the church and could use holy magic, but who would have guessed she could perform healing magic like this?
“No, thank you. I owe you.”
I smiled faintly and covered my face. At the same time, Vivian’s body flinched violently, and she quickly averted her gaze.
“Ah! N-no, it’s not…! My skill wasn’t good enough, so a scar remains…”
“Hm?”
It was true. A mark like a deep scar remained on my wrist. But what did a scar matter? The hand was perfectly attached.
“Why? Does it look ugly to you?”
I asked, turning my wrist this way and that.
“U-ugly?! How could you say such a thing?!”
My words must have triggered her—tears instantly pooled in her blue eyes. Had she always been this prone to crying? Her lips were bitten tight, her chin trembling. She looked genuinely remorseful.
“Pfft! You’ve been holding onto that this whole time?”
She nodded slowly.
“Aigoo, you silly girl.”
I curled my index finger and gently wiped away her tears. Then I slowly lowered my hand and softly brushed her lips. Only then did the tension leave her tightly pressed mouth, and her lips grew plump. The way her lips moved in response to my finger was incredibly soft.
“……”
Before I knew it, my hand had moved behind her. I gently grasped the back of her neck and slowly pulled her toward me.
“Y-young m…”
Before Vivian could finish speaking, our lips met cautiously. They felt slightly rough from dryness, but to me, even that was an ecstatic moment.
Vivian pulled away first. Because our lips had been so dry they practically stuck together, the sensation of them tugging apart was strangely rough.
“Young master…”
“What? Don’t you like it?”
She hesitated for a moment.
“…I like it.”
With those words, she pressed her lips fiercely against mine this time. She cupped my cheeks with both hands, breathing hot sighs through her nose, and filled my mouth with her tongue.
Slurp, slurp—
In the quiet little room, the only sound for a long while was the wet, noisy mingling of our tongues.
A little later, when our lips finally parted, a long string of mixed saliva stretched between us and dripped down her chin. I wiped it away with my hand and gave her a faint smile.
But Vivian didn’t move. One of her eyes had gone completely hazy, staring fixedly at my lips as if craving more.
“Vivian?”
“…More.”
“Hm?”
“Can’t you… do more? Just a little more…”
Even those words were spoken while she stared only at my lips.
“Tsk, it stings a bit.”
“Ah…”
She let out a sigh that sounded almost like a moan. But what could I do? Someone who had just woken up after months of unconsciousness was kissing without even drinking water. There was no way it wouldn’t hurt.
“How about we eat first and continue at night? We can do other things too…”
“M-meal!!”
Vivian shot up from her seat and shouted.
“Huh?”
“I’ll prepare your meal right away!”
She practically fled the room. I had only been teasing, but seeing her so shy—completely different from the bold and straightforward Vivian of the previous life—made me chuckle.
What should I call it? It didn’t feel like her, yet at the same time, it felt exactly like her. Seeing her like that made me think that what she had said about us having that kind of relationship wasn’t entirely a lie.
“Haa…”
I turned my head again to look at the red sky. It was strangely empty, without even a single bird flying by.
What should I do now?
Vivian had saved me. I had wanted to die. I had endured that pain hoping to move on to the next life quickly. And yet here I was, breathing again.
But since Saren was dead, I still had to die. That much hadn’t changed. Still, it didn’t have to be right this moment.
This might actually be a good opportunity. A chance to adapt even more thoroughly to Serion’s body.
Why? Because there was no longer any interference from Saren.
So I would use this opportunity with absolute precision. Whether it took ten years, twenty, or even fifty—I didn’t care.
The moment I could use every inch of this body, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, exactly as I wished…
That was when I would throw my life away.