Hmph, the Hero Is Lewd and Shameless
Hmph. The hero really is lewd and shameless.
She was panting hard. You could see the drool spilling from her mouth catching the wind and flying backward. That’s how exhausted she was. It was astonishing that hell hounds existed beyond the demonic realm, but it was equally astonishing that a human mouth could produce that much saliva.
“Instead of just staring…!”
I was planning to help even if she didn’t say anything. Since he was a merchant, he had to be carrying something useful. For someone like me who had to live as a wanderer, this was a golden opportunity. Might as well wring him dry for everything he had.
Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not a thief. I just want fair compensation for saving his life. Give and take, right?
“Uwooooooh!”
“Will you shut up already?”
Something felt off. The face looked familiar. I focused harder. It was a welcome sight. Wasn’t this the healer uncle I’d given a ride to in the back of the carriage? The one overflowing with human kindness!
“Healer uncle?”
“I’m not a healer!”
“I know. I just called you that because I was happy to see you.”
I shoved the running merchant behind me like I was hiding him. He was gasping for air. How far had he run? His leather shoes were completely shredded.
“Stay behind me. And don’t get your spit on me, okay?”
“I-I understand, so please do something about those mad dogs!”
His expression was priceless. A grown man, terrified of a few mutts. Of course, ordinary people rarely saw hell hounds. Only adventurers or knights under royal orders usually encountered them. A merchant traveling peaceful roads between countries would never set foot in the demonic realm.
Oh, there was one, though.
The Four Heavenly Kings, Oswald. That bastard had disguised himself as a human merchant and fed the Demon King every scrap of information about the human world. Smart guy, but he tried to trick me, so he had to die.
Enough reminiscing. It was a waste of time. What was the point of thinking about a dead man? I could barely keep myself alive right now.
Swift
Speed was all that mattered. The hell hounds weren’t even worth a single punch anyway. I thrust the Holy Sword forward and took aim. I set my target at the tip of the blade and inhaled.
In that instant, I became the speed of sound and launched forward. The Holy Sword’s radiance left afterimages that matched my velocity. It was like lightning!
The pure white light streaked with gold shot forward in a straight line, exactly like a thunderbolt. The simple movement-enhancing Swift had been elevated to another level thanks to the hero’s buffs and Odin’s blessing.
“Yelp yelp yelp!”
The hell hound’s neck was sliced clean off in an instant, spraying black blood everywhere. A little splattered onto me, but I could wipe it off later.
The pack finally realized what they were dealing with. Animals understand the food chain better than humans. When they see an opponent they can’t beat, the correct answer is to run.
“Whine…”
“Cute cry for a monster.”
Still, it couldn’t be helped. I was starving.
One Flash
Starlight
My body moved at the speed of sound. The Holy Sword’s path became a perfect straight line. I connected those lines, bending the trajectory to sever their necks until the slashes formed the shape of a star.
By the time every last hell hound had vanished, I turned to look at the merchant.
“...Whoa.”
The merchant stood there with his mouth hanging open in awe. Or maybe it was closer to terror. I still got surprised by my own speed sometimes. It was a shame I wouldn’t be able to feel this once I returned to Earth.
I could stay here forever, but I missed my family and modern civilization too much.
I swung the sword through the air, flinging off the blood of the hell hounds whose necks had already been cut. Black blood pattered onto the black soil.
When the merchant saw me shaking the blood off the Holy Sword, tears welled up in his eyes. The ground beneath him looked suspiciously wet. Looked like he’d pissed himself.
“Uncle. Did you wet yourself?”
“Ugh…”
“It happens. I understand completely. Don’t worry. I wore diapers until I was seven.”
“...Please stop mocking me.”
“Yeah, yeah. It happens. I’m a very understanding ‘adult,’ after all.”
I gave him a sympathetic look. It had to be humiliating for a grown man. Was he going to get angry? At the guy who just saved his life?
“Hahahahaha!”
“D-don’t laugh!”
“Puhuhuhuhuhuhu.”
I was genuinely enjoying this. It was fun. And lucky, too. The merchant’s face turned beet red. He knew how embarrassing it was; he was squeezing his legs together and covering himself with his hands. A grown man striking that pose was honestly disgusting. Just own it, dude.
I headed toward the pond I’d detected earlier and gestured for the merchant to follow. He reluctantly lowered his head and trailed after me.
It wasn’t far, but we had time to talk. The merchant spoke first.
“...With that level of skill, coming all the way out here… If you’ll forgive my rudeness, are you the hero?”
“As you can see.”
Did he really not recognize me? Well, last time I’d been wearing a mask and the Holy Sword had been tightly wrapped in cloth. It made sense he wouldn’t know.
“You’re not even trying to hide it. Is that confidence or just stupidity…?”
“Not really. Even if I tried to hide it, you’ve already seen what this sword is.”
The moment I revealed the Holy Sword, any attempt at secrecy would just scream I’m that hero! Besides, I’d saved his life. Without me, he would’ve become hell hound meat. Hero Kim Taesik had saved him. Knowing that, he probably wouldn’t spread rumors.
Above all, right now I was the one in a position to demand things from this merchant.
“You don’t think I’ll spread rumors?”
Exactly the question I expected. I shrugged.
“You owe me your life. If you have a brain, you won’t do something that stupid.”
If he did, well… “Want me to throw you back to the hell hounds?”
There weren’t any left, of course.
“...Haha! You joke well.”
“I’m not joking.”
“....”
Ahem. The merchant cleared his throat and spoke.
“I’ll keep everything I’ve learned about you a secret…”
“You’d better.”
“Kuhum!”
*
Even though I’m not religious, I might seriously praise Odin right now. If I die in this land of Midgard, wishing to go to Valhalla wouldn’t be so bad. I didn’t want to become a barbarian, but living like a Viking might not be terrible.
“Oh, Lord…”
Betrayal already? Well, Odin or God—they were all the same to me. I was just grateful they’d given me today’s meal. Of course, I was the one who caught and cooked the hell hounds… Seeing two years of being everyone’s errand boy pay off like this didn’t exactly make me happy.
But that wasn’t the important part. This merchant uncle was a treasure. If I’d cooked, I would’ve burned everything. He’d saved it and made it taste incredible.
Fucking delicious.
I meant it. I don’t like lying. There’s no reason to, and I know it’s a waste of time.
More importantly, there wasn’t even a trace of that usual monster stench. What kind of spices did he use?
“Uhahaha. I’m glad you like it.”
“This is actually really good. I couldn’t hide my surprise when I first saw it, but…”
Isabel covered her mouth as she savored the hell hound meat. She looked happy. After starving for so long, anything would taste good. Nice work, Kim Taesik! Helping people really does pay off. So that’s why they taught us to help those in need since elementary school?
Teacher Choi Sun-hee. Thank you. I’ve gained enlightenment thanks to you.
I thought back to my true teacher from my bratty elementary school days and felt a surge of human kindness. At the same time, I stuffed my mouth full of meat and filled my belly.
Curiosity got the better of me. I looked at the merchant and asked.
“What spices did you use?”
“Hm? Nothing special. I drained the blood, made some cuts, then added black pepper and paprika powder. That’s all.”
“That’s it?”
“The simpler it is, the more the true flavor shines. Uhahahaha!”
Unexpected. What kind of magic did he use to make it taste this good? It was on a completely different level from that dog trash Ragner. No matter how well that barbarian cooked, his methods were primitive. With proper utensils and this uncle’s skill, it was pure paradise.
Who cared about heaven or Valhalla? If there was delicious food and good alcohol, this was already heaven.
“Is that really everything?”
“Of course.”
“Oh…”
Maybe I could do this too? The moment that thought crossed my mind—
“....”
“I get it. I won’t try grilling. So stop looking at me like that, Isabel.”
“Good. I’m glad you understand.”
Of course, it wasn’t something I should say after burning the entire first hell hound. I couldn’t blame Isabel for being wary. That woman had quite the appetite, though. Seeing her eat this well just made me feel guiltier about letting her starve for the past two days.
I’m sorry! I’m so sorry I made you go nearly two days without food! It’s a sin even endless kowtowing couldn’t fix.
“...Hmph.”
Did she notice my expression? She turned away. Please don’t. It makes me feel too guilty.
If I thought about it, wasn’t this all Seria’s fault? No… Let’s stop. Nothing’s uglier than blaming others. I’m not that kind of man.
*
After filling my stomach, I decided it was time to move. There was also something I was curious about. This was definitely Midgard. There had been a merchant and a proper road. The problem was why the soil of the demonic realm was invading Midgard. At the same time, monsters were running wild on Midgard’s land.
“There has to be something going on.”
The Void Festival hadn’t begun yet. The Void Festival was when the legion commanders who received the Demon King’s orders led the Four Heavenly Kings and void creatures in an assault on Midgard. The earth would be covered in pitch blackness and the sky consumed by purple void energy. I had always been the one shining in the center of that darkness.
The sky is clear.
So it wasn’t the Void Festival. Were they slowly eroding the land? But the creatures were too weak for that. The Demon King usually did things all at once. That was why people couldn’t respond when the Void Festival began and had to rely on the hero’s party.
The presence of demonic soil in Midgard was a serious matter. It was clear they were planning something. I needed information, even if it was just a little.
Besides, the demonic realm had more than just hell hounds. There were probably chaos goblins lurking deeper in.
I need to investigate more.
I stood up to scout the area. Just in case, I cast protective magic around the horse I’d tied to a tree and added defensive runes. No one would be able to steal it now.
“Isabel, come with me.”
“...Yes?”
I’d confirmed hell hounds appeared here. It was safer to keep her by my side than leave her alone. That way I could protect her if anything happened. I may not look it, but I am the hero.
Walking through the forest with her staying so far behind felt uncomfortable. It would be hard to protect her like that. I grabbed her shoulder and pulled her closer.
“Don’t just stand there. Stick close to my side.”
“Eh?”
“I don’t know what might pop out. Hurry.”
“...Hup!”
A cute little sound escaped Isabel. She kept her head down, refusing to show me her face. Most people would look straight at you and complain when surprised. At least that’s what Lunaris had done when I saved her.
If it wasn’t for T-Taesik, I could have handled it myself!
Fucking bitch. The memory of her complaining even after being saved made anger bubble up. Of course, Lunaris had been the first to act that way, so maybe it was just her.
But Isabel walking with her head down without saying anything felt a little hurtful.
“Uu…”
“Hm?”
What was it? Was she upset because I suddenly pulled her close? If she hated looking at my face that much, it was a little wounding…
Of course, that wasn’t how Isabel felt at all. Her heart was pounding wildly, her blood was rushing, and her face was flushed all the way to her ears. If she showed this face now, she wouldn’t be able to face her lady. If their eyes met like this…
I might end up feeling exactly what the lady felt.
*
While walking silently through the forest, she thought. Why was he taking care of her like this? Honestly, she hadn’t minded traveling together. The only thing she hadn’t understood was why her lady admired this man. But now it was different.
In just two days, he had taken better care of her than anyone else. His previous party members had been the problem, yet he had become a fugitive. Even though it wasn’t his fault, he felt guilty for causing trouble for her, his companion.
...It’s fine for me, though.
Having been born a slave and lived her whole life as a maid, this was the first time someone had shown her such warmth. Her lady had treated her kindly on the surface, but there had always been coldness hidden in her words.
My stomach was hungry, but not unbearably so.
It wasn’t her first time starving, nor was sleeping in the open new to her. It was actually familiar. Yet he had taken care of her from the very first morning.
“What the hell. Seriously…”
Her voice was barely a whisper. Seeing that, he looked even more worried and asked what he had done wrong. But he hadn’t done anything.
Ah. There was one thing.
“Despicable.”
“Isabel? Did I do something wrong?”
“...It’s because it’s hot.”
“Let me see your face. I’ll check if you have a fever. Is it because of the hell hound…?”
“...Eep!”
His hand touched her cheek. Their eyes met. She ended up showing him her burning face.
“Ahem.”
She cleared her throat out of embarrassment.
“You don’t have a fever, right?”
“I’m perfectly normal.”
“But your face is so red.”
“It’s just hot, so please stop worrying about it.”
She turned her gaze away. Any more than this was too much. Looking into his eyes made her head spin. Before she knew it her heart was pounding even harder, and a strange tickling sensation spread through her.
“Isabel?”
This man. Was he pretending not to know, or did he really not know?
“...Hmph.”
“Are you upset? It was dangerous, so I had no choice. Even if you don’t like it, stay close for a bit.”
“The hero is a stupid, lewd, oblivious idiot.”
“No, seriously, what is it?”
Hmph.
“...Tsk. Idiot.”
He really was so despicable she could die.