Chapter 74
The dwarves were furious.
"James."
I scanned the room for James, eyeing the Dwarf King who seemed unable to make up his mind. James, who had been watching the situation from beside Karen, pointed a stubby finger at his own face before stepping forward and looking up at me.
"You called?"
"I'm just trying to ease the king's dilemma a bit."
"Huh?"
My words must have caught him off guard, because not only James but all the dwarves in the throne room turned to stare at me. Even the skull—Bahamons's imposter—did the same.
"Just ask this skull one thing."
I stroked the skull's smooth, polished head and said to James. He blinked those already wide eyes even wider, clearly not grasping my intent right away.
"Ask it what?"
"If they join the demon army, can they still have sex?"
"…."
James stared at me with a look of utter confusion, then glanced back at the skull. His bushy-bearded mouth twitched as he finally spoke.
"The hero's got us asking all kinds of weird shit. If we join the demon army, can we still have sex?"
I couldn't help but smirk at James's awkward delivery to the skull. What was funny was how every dwarf in the throne room, despite not fully understanding the question themselves, seemed oddly eager for the answer.
"Seeeex?"
The skull responded with a rattling jaw, like some broken machine stuttering out the word.
The dwarves' expressions turned bizarre as they watched the skull react so strangely to what seemed like an obvious question.
"Sex? You filthy bastards dare ask me, father of the dead and lord of the undead, about sex? Sex is forbidden! If you join the demon army, sex is absolutely banned!"
The skull flew into a frenzy, as if someone had slammed a berserk button. At the declaration of a sex ban, the dwarves' faces twisted in absolute outrage, and I had to fight back laughter at the chaos unfolding in the throne room.
"No, sex banned? Might as well tell us to drop dead!"
"Who the hell do you think you're kidding with that filthy seed-spreading nonsense? Sex? Sex? Just die! All of you, drop dead! Sex, of all things! You crazy fuckers!"
I'd known the skull—Bahamons—would lose it over the word "sex" and spout nonsense. And honestly, the demon army wasn't even against sex, as Bahamons claimed. A group that included succubi banning sex? Absurd.
Wait, now that I think about it, Lilite's still a virgin, so it's not entirely impossible…
Whatever. Whether the demon army banned sex or not wasn't my problem.
"Looks like this skull bastard's definitely one of them!"
"Them? You calling me one of them? I deliberately avoided that filthy act. Leaving your genes in the world through breeding? That's for apostles. True immortality is becoming an undead like me."
As the dwarves and skull argued fiercely, old memories surfaced.
—Hero, truth be told, I didn't hate you.
—What?
—You had a scent similar to mine. Heh heh heh.
—Bullshit. How am I anything like a skeleton like you?
—It's there. That thick aroma unique to men who've kept their purity to the end….
The moment I heard that, I drove my sword straight into his phylactery.
—Hero, sex is evil….
Bahamons had babbled that crap right up to his body's collapse.
So yeah, sex-hating dwarves by nature and Bahamons were never meant to be allies.
Baal, you screwed up.
I'd thought Bahamons was the perfect pick to attack the dwarven city, but if Baal had wanted to subjugate them, this lich was the worst choice.
Crack—.
While I reminisced, an axe-loving blacksmith finally lost his patience and buried his blade in the skull's head.
"…You're no favorite of mine either, but this skeleton's the absolute worst."
Having casually smashed the skull's cranium, the blacksmith turned to me, then to the king.
The mood that had teetered toward joining the demon army just moments ago vanished like mist.
"War! War, my king!"
"This ain't just war—it's a holy crusade!"
"No sex? Then death it is!"
I sighed, watching the dwarves fired up to the max. Whether this "holy crusade" matched the church's version was doubtful, but at least I wouldn't have to dirty my hands killing these shitbags anytime soon.
**
"Hero, I have a question."
As I left the throne room, unable to stomach the dwarves' uproar any longer, Karen followed me out. Once we were away from them, she posed her query, and I gave her a puzzled look.
"What is it?"
"What is sex?"
I naturally frowned at her words. I'd never imagined Karen was clueless about sex itself, so I wondered what philosophical angle hid behind the question.
"Sex… is sex."
"…I don't understand. The dwarves lost it over it, and the lich called it evil, so it must be something real. The idea that I'm the only one in the dark is irritating."
I stared at her blankly. From her tone, she genuinely seemed ignorant of what sex was.
Come to think of it, her tolerance for the dwarves' lewd jokes made sense if she was borderline sexually oblivious. It explained a lot.
Oh right, she grew up in the Magic Tower since childhood.
The pretentious old mages there probably never gave her proper sex ed.
"How do you think babies are born?"
"Babies? You mean human children?"
I asked just in case, and she shot me a look like why ask something so obvious?
As I waited for her answer, Karen's astonishing worldview began to unfold.
"When mom and dad really, really want one, doesn't the universe deliver it?"
Those crazy old coots?
I ground my teeth, thinking of the Magic Tower geezers who'd filled her head with that nonsense.
"What about dick and pussy?"
"Dick's the hole where men pee from, and pussy's where women pee from, right?"
At least they hadn't lied about basic anatomy; she had a rough idea.
I eyed her expression—why ask something so simple?—and threw the question back.
"You really wanna know what sex is?"
And as expected, she nodded firmly.
**
"Lady Jena?"
Jena von Darius was entering the church in the imperial capital. The journey from her post in Caliban Territory to Lidea had been far, but she'd pushed her horse to its limits, nearly killing herself in the process.
She wasn't thrilled about fetching the saintess, but it was the hero's request—and he'd said she was the only one he trusted. So Jena had raced to the capital without proper rest.
The holy knights guarding the church entrance greeted her with surprised faces at her sudden return, but she barely acknowledged them, heading straight inside.
She needed to find the saintess and deliver her to the hero as quickly as possible.
"Why… why are you so late?"
But Jena didn't even need to search. The saintess—Marian Delarossi—was already packed for travel, stamping her feet impatiently as if she'd known Jena was coming.
"How did you know I was—?"
Jena asked, bewildered, but Marian ignored her.
"Hurry up, we're leaving right now."
Jena felt a surge of injustice at the saintess's nagging tone. She'd ridden nonstop, yet here she was being treated like she'd dawdled. Worse, the saintess might blame any delay on her when reporting to the hero.
"I came as fast as I could. Dawdling?"
"Aargh! Fine, just go already! We'll fall behind again at this rate!"
Marian shrieked like a hysteric, and Jena nodded awkwardly, caught off guard by the unexpected outburst. For whatever reason, the saintess's urgency stirred a strange unease in her too.