The Weight of a Mistake
I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry, and I’m sorry about that. I’ve never once stopped to think about how my apology might come across to my aunt. Since last night, all I’ve been able to think about is: This is a total disaster. I’m not actually this kind of piece of shit.
“Oh, Doha. Good morning.”
My uncle sat in his chair, sipping his coffee, and peeked at me. Then, realizing who it was, his expression shifted instantly, and he glared at me.
“…Actually, no. You little bastard. Just how much did you drink to go and harass our Yaeun like that?”
“Ah, Uncle. I’m sorry.”
“Ugh, you little shit. I heard you even threw up on her clothes. How are you supposed to look your aunt in the face now?”
“I think I was just too drunk. I hadn’t had a drink in a while, so I guess it just hit me all at once.”
“Hey, you’re twenty-four years old. What kind of drunk behavior is that? You should be grateful I didn’t tell your dad. Ugh, you absolute moron.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You shouldn’t be apologizing to me, you idiot. You should be apologizing to your aunt.”
Right. Shit. I need to apologize to my aunt.
“Where is she?”
“In the bathroom. Oh, here she comes.”
“Ah.”
She wasn’t wearing a perfect suit, but she was dressed in dark-toned blazers and slacks. As she entered the office, I saw her eyes flicker the moment they met mine.
“Ah, Aunt.”
“Doha… you’re here.”
“Yes.”
An awkward silence settled between us. If I were still wearing that slick mask I used when I was trying to fuck her, would things be a little different? Perhaps she sensed the subtle shift in my aura, because she kept her mouth shut. Yeah, that must be it. My attitude at the motel and my attitude now are worlds apart.
“First, let’s get some work done. Honey, come over here. We’re looking to hire someone, let’s take a look together.”
“Ah, sure.”
As my aunt went over to my uncle’s desk, I sat down at mine as well. We didn’t exchange a single word during that time. It wasn’t until lunchtime approached that we finally spoke.
“Why are you two so quiet? Is the smell of vomit still lingering in your heads or something?”
My uncle said this after finishing his meal, taking a sip of water. My aunt gave an awkward laugh.
“No, it’s not that. Oh, right, Doha. Did you get the taxi money I gave you?”
“Ah, yes. You put in quite a bit.”
It was 100,000 won. It was too little to be hush money, and my aunt didn’t seem like the type to do that. It felt like a tacit agreement to keep it a secret, but… there was a strong impression that she’d just been a little extra generous.
“It’s definitely awkward for Doha, I’m sure. You really should learn to drink in moderation, ugh.”
“I’m never drinking again.”
“Never again? For real?”
“Yes. Honestly, just looking at the menu makes my stomach churn.”
“Hahaha! You crazy bastard. You talk a good game, at least.”
Just then, my uncle’s phone rang.
“Ah, this guy, Manager Lee.”
My aunt looked at the phone and asked, “Is that the person who’s supposed to handle the tax outsourcing?”
“Yeah. He’s so full of himself.”
“You should have hired someone more reliable.”
“Forget it. It’s just taxes, anyway. It’s just a quick check before we open. Plus, I know some people through connections, so it’s cheap.”
“Are you going to take the call?”
“I have to. Hey, Doha, why don’t you just head back to the office with your aunt? I’ll buy some coffee on the way. You two can, I don’t know, talk about it. About the… vomit.”
My uncle laughed as if he didn’t know anything, but my aunt’s gaze, carrying some unknown discomfort, landed on me. I felt it for a moment, then nodded.
“Yes. Take your time.”
And just like that, we were left alone again.
It felt like the residue of my uncle, who had just finished paying and left, was still here. A symbol of the absence of the only person who could resolve this awkwardness. How was I supposed to break the ice?
While waiting at the crosswalk in front of the restaurant, I opened my mouth to my aunt.
“I’m sorry, Aunt.”
“Doha.”
At my apology, she spoke in a voice that tried to remain as calm and composed as possible.
“We agreed not to bring it up.”
“Yes.”
“So stop. It never happened.”
“Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I was in the wrong.”
“I hear you, but it doesn’t matter. It just… it never happened. That’s what we decided. Not just for anyone else, but for us.”
“You can’t just cut it off like a radish.”
“Exactly. Since we can’t cut it off like a radish, we agreed to treat it as if it never happened. And if you were truly sorry, you wouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. What kind of game are you playing? With your aunt?”
She whispered this lowly, glancing around as if wary of passersby.
The signal changed, and we started walking. There was no conversation between us. There was a hidden edge to my aunt’s words. Was she truly angry, or was she just being coercive to force me to shut up?
“That’s why I’m not just saying it—I’m saying it after thinking about it.”
“I said I understand. So stop.”
“Look, how long are we supposed to be awkward like this? In front of Uncle?”
“What?”
My aunt whipped around to look at me.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what I said.”
“You really are so young. Doha, you’re just so young… do you think that’s something you should be saying to your aunt? After what you did? Even after we agreed it never happened?”
“That’s what I’m trying to talk to you about.”
“Ha… honestly, because of you… you’re really insane.”
“I know. I was insane back then, honestly. That’s why I’m trying to apologize now.”
“…Stop. It’s disgusting.”
Then, my aunt suddenly stopped speaking.
“…Ha.”
A short sigh.
“Fine. I get it… haa, just say it briefly. Keep it short.”
She added firmly as we entered the building.
“But if it’s nonsense, consider our agreement to treat it as if it never happened void. Got it? Whatever the reason, I’ll tell your uncle everything.”
Does she think I’m trying to pull some other scheme? Well, I can understand that reaction a hundred percent.
“So, I’ve been a bit out of it lately. Drinking made it… I think it just escalated things.”
“Your mental state? Just because of that? Is that why you were stalling and setting the mood to tell me this?”
“That’s why I’m saying I was a hundred percent in the wrong. I wouldn’t have been like that otherwise… I thought about it yesterday, and I really think I was wrong.”
“I told you. That doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Don’t be sarcastic. I’m genuinely apologizing to you.”
“What? Sarcastic? Is that how you talk to an adult…?”
My aunt glared at me. Our eyes met. But that gaze was as naked as any woman’s. How naked? It was in the way she scanned my face. Touching my eyes, my lips. Maybe even my eyebrows…
“…Stop. Please, Doha. Let’s stop. I’m tired.”
My aunt’s gaze shifted forward. We got into the elevator that had just arrived.
“Understood. I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”
“…….”
My aunt remained silent. But her arms were crossed, her hands fidgeting awkwardly, and her gaze was just as unnatural.
Shit. I guess I’ve been branded as a total beast. Already. I mean, as the one who forced himself on her, there’s not much else I can do.
It was a catastrophe from the start. My relationship with my aunt.
After the point where we had that messy, illicit sex, how could it ever be repaired? What was I expecting?
“Lee Doha.”
That was when my aunt spoke.
“Yes.”
“Doha, ha…”
Another short sigh.
“Honestly… I’ve been thinking a lot, too.”
“Please, go ahead.”
At the same time, the elevator chimed. The doors opened, and the cold hallway air rushed in. My aunt took a breath and stepped out.
“Did I… give you that kind of opening? To you?”
“…No.”
“Then what was it for?”
“Just, the alcohol… and because of that, my mental state was all over the place, and I think it just got worse. It’s probably reckless of me to even say this.”
My aunt let out a deep, heavy sigh.
“So you’re saying it was just an impulsive accident. Even for you, Doha.”
“Yes.”
“Right… Doha, honestly, I’m really struggling. Because of that one mistake, you… you just did that. You pushed me.”
“Yes.”
“I’m having such a hard time because of that. It’s really, really hard.”
My aunt walked into the office and sat on the long bench mounted against the wall. She gestured for me to sit next to her, so I had no choice but to sit down. My aunt was frowning slightly. Seeing that, I truly believed that everything she was saying was sincere.
“I don’t know why I have to have these feelings, and I don’t even want to think about why it happened. It’s just so exhausting and terrible.”
“Yes.”
“Anyway, you’re saying you’re sincere. About apologizing to me.”
“I’ve thought about it a lot before saying this. I’m sincere.”
“Ha…”
Silence descended. My aunt let out breath after breath, as if her chest were tight.
“Thank you for finding the courage to apologize.”
“Don’t say that. I’m not in a position to be thanked.”
“Even you saying that… it feels sincere. So, I feel a bit more at ease. I do.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Actually, I was the one who spoke coldly. I’m sorry for that. I got a bit emotional.”
“No. Your reaction was completely justified.”
My aunt closed her eyes tightly for a moment, then looked down at the floor and spoke carefully.
“Still, let’s keep our distance, Doha… you understand what I mean, right? Regardless, that incident happened… and we can’t go back to the normal relationship we had before. We’ve already crossed the line, haven’t we?”
“Yes.”
“Even if we talk nicely at the office, just… I’d prefer it if we didn’t have private conversations. Or messages.”
“I understand.”
“Still, thank you for saying it was a mistake. For acknowledging my feelings and saying that to me.”
She was particularly obsessed with the idea of it being a mistake. If it hadn’t been a mistake, what kind of reaction had she been bracing herself for? If, by some chance, I hadn’t been consumed by guilt… if I had tried to force myself on her. If I had continued to act so shamelessly.
“I’m sorry because of me. Just… everything.”
“…No. Let’s stop. I feel a bit relieved now, too. Let’s just finish it like this. Let’s consider it over. Okay?”
My aunt’s back, which had been held stiffly, sank deep into the back of the chair. She seemed to have relaxed her tension, at least a little.
“I’m going to go to the bathroom.”
“Okay.”
I left the office and went to the bathroom. It was a desolate place, completely empty. Through the window in the corner, the bright, sunny light typical of late February slid in, and the smell of cheap air freshener stung my nose.
I went to the sink and splashed water on my face.
Refreshing.
Yeah, it’s very refreshing.
Hmm.
Is my heart the same?
Is my heart refreshed, too? Am I feeling lighthearted? Really?
I don’t know. Fucking hell.
I splashed more water on my face and looked in the mirror. Wow, I really am handsome. This idiot. Because I’m handsome, I got those subtle looks from my aunt. Those meaningless, lewd, lascivious looks. And now she’s thanking me? It’s laughable…
Shit.
Then, what about me?
Am I being honest with myself? Am I apologizing because I’m truly sorry, because I feel guilty? That it’s all my fault?
Let’s be honest. Is the reason I apologized because of my aunt? No. Isn’t that just another form of self-loathing?
I’ve really become a pathetic loser, haven’t I? That kind of thing.
It’s just a defense mechanism for a loser. Being unable to accept myself and becoming a coward.
I splashed more water without a word. I washed my face until it felt like it would wear away. I looked up at the mirror, but it was strange. There was a sense of dissonance. I realized it. Ah, my fair skin doesn’t even have anything left to be washed away.
“…….”
I turned off the tap.
I left the bathroom and returned to the office.
My aunt was still sitting in her chair. The way she was looking down at the floor with her hands clasped—she was clearly organizing her thoughts. It definitely gave that impression.
“Aunt.”
My aunt looked up at me.
I leaned down and gently brought my face to hers.
I kissed her.