If Only I Hadn't Reached Out
If only they had never entered my sight while I was floundering in inferiority. If I hadn't carelessly extended a hand toward them. If holy power had never manifested in me. Or at the very least, if their appearance had been less ragged than what I'd glimpsed the moment I coincidentally reunited with them. Would the ending of this drama have changed?
I knew all too well that nothing was more futile and empty than attaching the words what if to a past that had already slipped away. Still, every time I closed eyes heavy with clammy fatigue, I couldn't stop myself from painting that blueprint on the canvas behind my darkened eyelids.
A future on a separate timeline where I never became entangled with them. Peaceful days free of shuddering guilt or agonizing conscience. A light, unburdened life where I could simply enjoy the blessings scattered across my path without ever knowing they existed.
I couldn't stop myself from dreaming of it. But that shabby escape from reality was always shattered by another voice of my own lurking inside my thoughts.
Disgusting bastard.
It was a perfectly appropriate, perfectly justified remark—so much so that I couldn't offer a single proper counterargument. My decision to help them had been nothing more than an attempt to patch my own meager self-esteem. Quitting had been nothing but a whim. Even my desperate struggle to save them had only been possible because of the coincidence of running into them in a village I'd been reluctantly dragged to by someone else's hand.
If the sequence of events had been even slightly different, I would have let them die without feeling the slightest pang of conscience. No—I doubted I would have cared about their lives at all.
After all, how many people still remember the names they gave to the baby chicks they bought on a whim in front of school as children?
It's because of you.
The inner voice, especially vivid today, prodded me again.
Take a good, hard look at the result your hypocrisy has wrought.
That voice of reproach grew strong enough to tear my hands away from my eyes—the hands I'd placed there to avoid the past.
"It's nice to meet you. I'm Reygis Rowbill, a mid-ranking priest who also takes on adventurer work."
"Nice to meet you too! I am the talent of the century who will one day become a great hero! My name is Triana Abigail!"
The ashen past playing out before my eyes gradually merged with the vision in my memory. Looking back now, it was a truly laughable scene—nothing but lies being traded for lies. Why hadn't I noticed the unnatural atmosphere at the time? We both knew each other's identities yet pretended we didn't.
"You're covered in blood… Lady Abigail…"
"It's fine! It's not my blood! R-right. It's… it's not my blood…"
"You're trembling while saying that… Haah… Come here. I'll wipe it off for you…"
"H-haha! How embarrassing!"
What came next was the memory of right after our first adventure. The moment I personally wiped the monster blood and entrails from the Hero's body.
"Now do you understand? The adventurer's life is a dangerous profession that comes with this kind of horrific humiliation. So why don't you reconsider that reckless idea of becoming one?"
Back then I'd been obsessed with cleaning the blood from her face with a handkerchief and emphasizing how dangerous the adventurer life was. Only now did I notice the desperate look on her face that I'd missed at the time.
Her quivering lips. The bridge of her nose gradually turning red. The damp gaze fixed on the scar on the back of my hand visible through the torn glove. Why had I felt nothing when I saw it?
"No! I want to become an adventurer! I am the talent of the century who will become a hero in the future! No! I must become a hero!"
"Ah, I see…"
I shouldn't have dismissed the faint tremor beneath that bold declaration as mere fear.
"Hup! Now that the tension's gone, it feels like the strength's left my legs too! If it's not too much trouble, may I lean on you for a moment?!"
"Huh? No, why me when you have your reliable younger brother…"
"I'm sorry! Victim just finished his first kill, so the tension has left him without the strength to lend me his body at the moment!"
"What? But he was standing just fine a second ago? Even now if you look… Wait, why is he suddenly lying on the floor? Brother Victim?"
"……"
"Then excuse me!"
"L-Lady Abigail?"
She carefully settled into my arms. I should have noticed how her trembling hand reached out to clutch my collar but stopped midway.
The ashen vision that had been shoving the things I'd ignored back in my face now stretched its tentacles into recent memories. The other voice inside me that was condemning me grew clearer in tandem with those changes.
You went to her hometown and personally smashed the statue you'd dried with your own hands just to find her?
The voice that had only echoed inside my thoughts now possessed clear form and undeniable presence, mocking me right beside my ear. If a person's shadow gained its own will, it would probably look something like this—its appearance was so dark it made that thought spring to mind unbidden.
Facing a nightmare where another version of myself, like me but with the saturation turned down, was personally digging into the most vulnerable parts of my mind, I could clearly feel my sense of reality wearing away. I even began to doubt whether I was still sane.
You abandoned such a wonderful child? Honestly, you shouldn't have been born a man! If you did something, shouldn't you take responsibility?
Armed with absurd righteousness that demanded answers but allowed no rebuttals, it suddenly slung an arm around my shoulders and snapped its fingers.
By the way, this happened on the very night of the day you smashed that statue.
Click.
Along with the dull echo that burst from its middle finger and thumb, the ashen vision before my eyes twisted once more.
Crackle. Crackle.
The scene that unfolded right after struck me with such shock that I wondered if my heart had stopped.
"Hic… hic… Priest… Mister… Hic! Where… where are you…"
The Hero was desperately searching for me, burying her sobs in her pillow with all her might so no one would hear, so her weakness wouldn't leak out. The sight of her like a child who'd had a nightmare was filled with such heartrending sorrow that every reliable impression I'd ever had of her evaporated in an instant.
Why don't you answer her? While she was frantically looking for you, you were busy having fun with another woman and didn't even have time to contact her.
Harsh sarcasm. A sinister sneer. Though it wore my face, it showed an expression I'd never once seen on my own. Before long, it stole something from my embrace.
I'll take responsibility and deliver this to her. You can leave now. No need to thank me. Actually, I'm the one who wants to say thank you.
My dear Hero,
I must bid you farewell once again. Please forget about me and continue your journey. I am no longer worthy of standing by your side.
— Reygis Rowbill
It was the letter I'd been forced to write under Apis's coercion—one announcing yet another farewell to her.
That child's mental strength really is something. I've had my eye on her for a while. No matter how many times I tried, she wouldn't budge. That's why I was so impatient. The means and number of times we can contact you are limited, after all.
I tried to ask it what the hell it was talking about, but no sound came out. Only then did I realize that my mouth, my body, my mind—none of it was moving according to my will.
But while I was worrying so much, you went and made a nice big crack in that child's heart! Thanks to you, things went much more smoothly. Thank you!
That was the moment. Black tentacles like headless snakes crawled up from the dark floor and slowly coiled around my entire body. Before long they hardened like stone and began dragging my motionless form down into an abyss so deep the bottom couldn't be seen.
It doesn't matter, does it? Deep down, this is what you wanted anyway. Now you'll never have to see that child's face again! Don't worry! I'll take your place!
The words were terribly tempting. Running away the moment a problem appeared was practically my nature. If someone would take my role for me, I was the kind of person who would gladly throw away every responsibility and duty I was supposed to bear with a smile on my face.
You can run.
It was the thing I most wanted to hear in this moment—and something I'd wished someone would say to me every single day.
Yes. That's how it had always been.
Grab.
Huh? Why? Did you forget something?
Like a drowning man flailing desperately, the hand I thrust out on instinct had firmly seized its arm. Even I, the one whose hand had shot out like an arrow, couldn't explain how I'd managed to grab it amid all the hazy sensations coming through my body and mind.
"There's… one… cough… question I have…"
It felt as if someone had filled my lungs and throat with black ink. Even breathing was difficult, let alone speaking, but I forced the words out with everything I had. There was something I absolutely had to confirm.
Hm? What is it?
"Do you… cough… even know… when that child's… the Hero's birthday is…?"
Birthday? Oh! You mean the day she was born?
A dim silence lingered for a moment. Then it gave me a ridiculous smile and said:
Of course I know! That child was born on January 1st! She was born on the day the year beg—
CRACK.
But the sentence never finished. My left hand, desperately clinging to its arm, and my right hand—which possessed strength that didn't lose out to the former—slammed squarely into its face.
"Wrong."
The sensation that spread through my fist and the harsh sound that rang in my ears were completely different from what hitting a living being should feel like. It was closest to the refreshing feeling of punching through thin ice and shattering it.
How dare a mere creation…!
The transcendent aura it had possessed until a moment ago was gone. The thing that looked exactly like me clutched its shattered face in pain and suddenly spat out irritation in a voice full of humiliation.
Soon, fragments resembling my own face began falling from its features. The darkness that had filled every direction around me started cracking like an eggshell being peeled away. A human silhouette hidden behind the dim curtain gradually revealed itself.
"Priest…?"