The Lingering Guilt
“Ha-neul, did you fight with Yu-ri?”
“...No.”
“Really? You seem like you didn't say anything.... Well, if not you, then not.”
Kim Chae-ri, who had just vented her opinion, left the place.
‘...How did she know?’
I answered no, but after that incident, Yu-ri and I had become a bit awkward.
Well, it was natural after I had said such trash talk to her after that memorable first experience.
After that, we met again at the national team selection, but Yu-ri and I didn't talk about anything other than what was necessary. It was something we had already decided on, but seeing Yu-ri, who had been so warm before, acting coldly, I couldn't help but feel a slight pain in my heart.
And even more painful was that Yu-ri's eyes, which held only love for me, now had a mix of resentment.
Seeing Yu-ri look at me with loving eyes sometimes, and with resentful eyes other times, no matter how thick-skinned I was, I didn't have the courage to approach first.
I just waited for Yu-ri to speak first, like now.
I was ready to wait. Whether Yu-ri wanted to continue this twisted relationship or curse me with abuse, any form of ending was up to Yu-ri's choice.
Well, thinking about our current relationship, the latter was more likely.
After all, for a Korean like Yu-ri, such a way of male-female relationship was hard to accept.
In fact, in this world where women are centered, I had been expecting it. The reason men in my previous life disliked women's affairs was also an important factor because of the anxiety that their child might not be their own.
If a woman cheated, the child who was supposed to inherit everything might be someone else's.
But this world was a matriarchal society where women were at the center, and unlike my previous life, the women had the authority to pass on everything. And no matter how much they cheated, women knew their children were their own, so they didn't need to guard against other women's seeds.
Well, as men's rights rose, 1:1 dating became the default in this world, but even so, this world was a bit more lenient towards infidelity than my previous life.
So, I had some expectation that this way could be accepted to some extent, but given Yu-ri's state, it didn't seem easy. After all, the East was more conservative in such issues than the West.
Compared to places like France where free love was already flourishing, this country had only recently abolished the crime of adultery, so it was unavoidable.
Yeah, it was unavoidable....
“...Ha-neul, are you crying?”
“Eh? Me?”
Without realizing, tears had come out, and the coach who was passing by called out to me.
I knew it was unavoidable, but I had been quite sad. My tears had leaked out without me knowing.
“Just, just got some dust in my eye.”
“Really? Well, anyway, training soon, so wash up quickly.”
“Ok.”
Fortunately, it seemed I hadn't been making a sad face, only tears leaking out. Seeing me just brush it off with my excuse.
Yeah, I didn't have the qualification to make a sad face. It was me who had said trash talk to Yu-ri, and it was me who had hurt Yu-ri.
I quickly headed to the bathroom, put my eyes under the faucet, and turned on the water. Cold water washed away my selfish heart along with the tears. Feeling the cold water, my head felt a bit calmed.
First, there was a match against Turkmenistan tomorrow, so I didn't have time to be swayed by emotions. I was a pro, and even if it was against a weak team, showing my best was what a pro did.
And when I couldn't show my best performance, it was natural common sense and a pro-like action to request exclusion from the lineup. So, as someone who wanted to play in the match, I had the obligation to maintain my best condition.
I couldn't afford to neglect training just a little sad and heartbroken.
Well, I had played the match without any issue even when my mental state was shaken by concentrated fire from trash media, so with a little mind control, I could just brush it off as nothing.
So, the training began.
Unlike me who had experienced everything, Yu-ri, who still had many thoughts in her head, kept repeating mistakes.
Since she had been making mistakes since the selection, the mother who doesn't publicly criticize the players couldn't stay silent.
“Kang Yu-ri! Are you not concentrating properly?! Do you think that spot is yours just because a match came out from Barcelona? This is the national team!”
Yu-ri, who had been repeating mistakes, heard a scolding from the mother.
Whether it was because of the mother's personality who doesn't publicly criticize the players, or because she had been criticized by the mother who had been a coach since the youth representative team, or because she was the mother of ‘Ryu Ha-neul’, Yu-ri's eyes filled with tears.
And I met those eyes of Yu-ri.
It felt like I heard Yu-ri's voice saying "Why are you so indifferent?"
Yu-ri's gaze felt like it was carving up my heart. But, comforting Yu-ri here was deception. I quietly lowered my head and waited for this situation to pass.
So, the last training for the Turkmenistan match ended with a feeling of being a sinner.
“………The left midfielder is Lee Eun. Lee Eun, you are the starter tomorrow.”
“Ok, Coach.”
And since Yu-ri's form was not good, it was natural that Yu-ri would be excluded from tomorrow's starting lineup.
It was only after being excluded from one match, but the fact that Yu-ri was excluded because of me made me feel guilty again.
If it weren't for this incident, Yu-ri wouldn't have been excluded....
Although it was an excessive thought, I thought what if Yu-ri gets hurt because of this incident. In my previous life, there were many promising players who got ruined by dating the wrong woman, and many who fell into the abyss after breaking up with their girlfriend.
Guilt and worry came rushing in.
‘...I guess I shouldn't have avoided it.’
Approaching Yu-ri was too shameless, but for Yu-ri's sake, I couldn't stay like this.
And Yu-ri seemed to have the same thought after the meeting, as she approached me after the meeting.
“Yu-ri, want to talk?”
“...Yeah.”
Yu-ri's voice trembled as she answered my question, as if she had been thinking a lot.
“Want to do some passing practice before going in?”
“Yeah, Ha-neul. Soon evening, so don't overdo it.”
I told the coach, picked up a ball, and headed to the training ground. The training ground, which had been noisy until just now, was empty after all training ended. It was good for talking since there was no one around.
‘With this, no one will see.’
I put down the ball I brought, passed it to Yu-ri. And Yu-ri who received the pass passed it back to me. We exchanged passes in a normal way and chose what to say.
“Ha-neul.”
Yu-ri was the one who opened her mouth first.
“Can you not love only me?”
Yu-ri's figure with her back to the setting sun was not clearly visible in the sunlight, but Yu-ri's hidden figure looked sad, which was not just a matter of mood.
In fact, if Yu-ri had seen me the longest, she would have known I wouldn't break my promise. I had never broken a promise even though I had decided to do it once, like a soccer player who others said was impossible.
“Sorry.”
The ball I sent stopped at Yu-ri's feet with the two words 'sorry'.
“Then what is our relationship?”
The ball that had stopped at Yu-ri's feet for a while returned to me.
“Secret relationship.... Yeah, that kind of relationship sounds good.”
Tap.
I passed the ball to Yu-ri again.
“...Better not do that.”
The pass I sent passed Yu-ri and rolled far away. The ball rolling slowly passed the grass field and drainage ditch and rolled into the flower garden planted with lush trees, and Yu-ri who had turned back walked slowly to pick up that ball.
The flower garden with trees, looking around, since it was meal time, no one was walking around near the training ground.
I confirmed that fact, then quietly followed behind Yu-ri. And, when Yu-ri caught the ball and turned, I grabbed Yu-ri's shoulder and pushed her to the tree. Yu-ri, who was stronger than me, didn't resist my touch, and soon Yu-ri's body touched the tree.
Looking into Yu-ri's eyes filled with tears, guilt stabbed my heart. But, I decided to get used to this guilt.
“Dislike this kind of relationship?”
After saying it, I approached Yu-ri and kissed her.
“Dislike this kind of relationship?”
I kissed her again to hear Yu-ri's answer. This time, longer than before. I bit Yu-ri's lips, dug my tongue into Yu-ri's mouth, but Yu-ri didn't push me away. After kissing for about a minute, I pulled back and faced Yu-ri again.
“Tell me. Dislike?”
“...No.”
“If you dislike, I won't approach anymore. And I'll live with the feeling of being sorry for the rest of my life.”
“I don't know. I want to hold hands in front of others, and post our photos on SNS. And I want to brag that you're my man.”
“Let's do all.”
“...Huh?”
“But, wait a little.”
“What does that mean?”
“No one can point fingers. Wait a bit more.”
“Is that possible? Just watch me?”
“Sorry, Yu-ri. Because I'm this kind of man. But, I've had everything I wanted so far, and I don't want to lose anything I like. Football, women. If you wait a little, I can make the world recognize me as a man good enough for Ryu Ha-neul.”
“Even thinking, that doesn't make sense….”
“Well, if I win the World Cup, Korean people won't recognize me?”
In fact, in this world, even if a man not a woman, dating many women at once, I would inevitably get hate. But if it reaches that level, I can reduce that hate a bit.
I don't fear getting hate. But I was a bit afraid that friends would get hate because of me. So, I wanted to reduce that hate even a little.
“Can you wait?”
I lowered the hand holding Yu-ri's shoulder. When I lowered it to the underwear, even in this situation, I felt it was wet. For women in this world, it was natural, right? But I decided to use this situation despite being cowardly.
“Ha…”
Yu-ri's face, who swallowed the moan, flushed.
“Wait, Yu-ri. I'll do well.”
After stimulating Yu-ri appropriately, I removed my hand, and licked the finger with Yu-ri's shy liquid with my tongue. Yu-ri, who had a dazed expression at the sight, nodded her head.
“You know, Yu-ri?”
“...What?”
“After night, all male staff leave, so no one uses the men's bathroom? And, there's no CCTV in the dorm here?”
“…….”
“Tomorrow night, I'll text you. Wait.”
“...Yeah.”
After that day, Yu-ri's expression was the brightest.
These world's women were too easy, but if a woman I liked tempted me like this, I wouldn't have been able to refuse, so I just smiled.