The Question That Lingers
After Elena left the tent, I began tidying up the space. It was about time to head back. That was when I heard footsteps approaching. A customer showing up right before closing was never a welcome sight.
The tent flap lifted, and a familiar face stepped inside. Even though she tried to conceal herself, there was no mistaking her. Adeline. What information had she come to buy this time?
I still couldn’t figure her out. Why she wanted to marry me. What her real purpose was. She was impossible to read.
“What information do you require?”
“Information regarding His Highness Noel.”
Adel spoke the words, then hesitated. Her gaze refused to settle, darting restlessly around the tent. Her lips pursed into a small pout—an expression that didn’t suit her usual composed features at all.
She clenched her hands tightly in her lap. The veins on the back of her pale hands stood out faintly. She seemed to try relaxing her fingers for a moment, but quickly balled them into fists again.
“His Highness Noel…”
Adel struggled to continue. The sentence broke off there. She pressed her lips together once more, gently biting the lower one before releasing it. A faint blush was creeping across her cheeks, slowly spreading all the way to the tips of her ears.
She lowered her head. Silver-gray hair spilled down beside her cheek. The tent was so quiet that I could hear the soft sound of her inhaling—short and shallow—followed by a slightly delayed exhale. Even the nape of her neck, visible between the folds of her cloak, carried a faint flush.
Her voice trembled. “Is there… someone you hold in your heart?”
Her lowered face was burning crimson. The fists on her knees shook. Then, very slowly, she lifted her head. Her eyes were faintly glistening with moisture.
The moment our gazes met, I felt an odd dryness in the back of my throat. I knew I had to answer. But the words wouldn’t come right away. My heart was tingling strangely.
“Haa.”
The breath I’d been holding escaped in a rush of heat. I cleared my throat with effort and replied, “There isn’t.”
The words came out more urgently than I’d intended.
“I see.”
The tension that had frozen her expression was slowly melting away. The corners of her lips curved upward just a little. She tried to cover her mouth with her hand, but it did nothing to hide it. A faint red mark still lingered on her lower lip—the trace of where she had bitten it moments ago. For some reason, that mark kept catching my eye.
Her pupils quivered slightly in the lantern light. They were no longer the eyes that had always seemed as cold as ice. Beneath that chilly gleam, there was now the faintest trace of warmth.
I held my breath behind the mask.
“That’s a relief,” she whispered.
The small words lingered in the air far longer than they should have. A relief? That I didn’t have anyone in my heart? Why would that be fortunate for her?
The tiny crack visible in that cold, refined face. Why did such a small opening feel so captivating?
“In that case,” Adel continued. Her fingertips pressed down on the edge of her cloak again. “What kind of person does His Highness prefer?”
“Are you asking about my ideal type?”
“…Yes.”
Ideal type, huh. I didn’t really have one. No matter how hard I thought, nothing came to mind. I had never been interested in romance to begin with. If we were talking about an ideal self I wanted to become, that was another story.
“It’s not very precise. Still, would you like to hear it?”
“Yes, that’s fine.”
She leaned forward, her face tight with tension. Without thinking, I leaned back. Even though we weren’t facing each other directly, my body reacted on its own.
“I seem to prefer tall people.”
“Exactly how tall?”
“Around 180 centimeters, I suppose?”
Adel stroked her chin and muttered to herself, “My height is… Hup.”
She suddenly realized what she’d said and sucked in a sharp breath. Her face had completely melted into a goofy, beaming smile. It was a rare expression on her—one I’d seldom seen. I finally understood why Elena collected those photo cards of her.
“A-and what else?”
“Someone strong, perhaps?”
“Hmm~”
She hummed a little tune, clearly in a good mood. We continued talking after that, but none of the information was particularly useful. Eventually Adel left, and I was alone in the tent once more.
I moved my fingers. The shadows that had been hiding in the corners of the tent unraveled one by one. The surveillance net I had set up like a wall rippled and sank to the floor. The thin curtain that had blocked the entrance vanished as well. Slowly, I began erasing every trace.
Traces always betray people. That was what I had learned in the Imperial Palace.
Smiling like an idiot. Tilting my head as if I understood nothing. Collecting every careless word, glance, and slight that people let slip. That was how I learned to leave no traces. How to swallow my words. How to hide my true feelings. How to survive.
The body of the Shadow Information Broker gradually collapsed. The black fingers unraveled like threads. The arms dissolved, and the hem of the robe seeped into the floor. Only the white mask remained floating in the air for a moment.
A face without expression. A face with no mouth, no eyes, no emotion. I stared at that mask. Strangely, it felt like my own face.
A face that smiled but wasn’t truly smiling. A face that wanted to cry but couldn’t. A face that pretended to know nothing and remained empty.
Soon the mask, too, sank into the shadows. The tent was completely empty.
And my consciousness slowly returned to my room in the Imperial Palace.
I opened my eyes. The room was quiet. Beyond the window, the faint glow of the banquet hall still lingered. In the distance, I could hear music, laughter, the clinking of glasses, and the sound of people dancing. All of it drifted through the thick walls.
A night that had nothing to do with me.
I was sitting at my desk. My hands were cold. Perhaps from manipulating shadows for so long, my wrists felt numb. On the table sat a cup of cold tea and half-eaten cookies. The cookies lay broken on the plate.
I picked one up. Even when I put it in my mouth, the sweetness barely registered. I stopped chewing and set it back down. A few crumbs scattered across the plate. I stared at them blankly before sweeping them into a pile with my hand. It was a meaningless action, yet I kept at it for a long time.
Adeline. Her name refused to leave my mind. It was strange. The conversation I’d had with Elena was far more important. Everything connected directly to my survival lay on that side. Yet the moment I returned to my room, what remained clearest was Adel’s face.
Her flushed cheeks. The moisture gathering at the corners of her eyes. The way she had pouted and avoided my gaze. The tiny softening of her expression when I told her I had no one in my heart.
Why did she keep coming back to ask such pointless questions? Why was she digging so deep? Why did she walk in whenever she pleased and refuse to leave?
I leaned back in my chair and stared at the ceiling. “Is she trying to use me?”
I reached a hand toward the empty air and slowly closed my eyes. I knew Adeline wasn’t a bad person.
“It would be easier if she were.”
Not knowing what she was thinking made me more anxious. More uncomfortable. The night after Adeline left somehow felt even quieter. The world outside was so noisy, yet the night inside me was deathly still. And in that silence, she kept rising to the surface. What was she?
It was strange. Truly strange. Why? Just why? Why did Adeline’s questions, her gaze, her flushed face linger for so long?
I lifted the cold tea and took a sip. It tasted bitter. I couldn’t tell whether it was because the tea had gone cold or because my mood had turned strange.
The music from the banquet outside was gradually fading. The night was growing deeper. I reached to extinguish the candle but stopped. For some reason, I didn’t want the room to fall completely into darkness tonight. So I left it burning.
A single flame flickered quietly. As I watched the light, I thought again, “It would be easier if she were just trying to use me.”
If she wanted the imperial blood in me. If she wanted a connection to the imperial family. If she wanted justification for the North to reach its hand into the center. Those were things I could easily provide. I was used to that. All of it could be calculated.
What I would give and what I would receive. How far I could allow things to go and where I had to draw the line. When to smile and when to pretend ignorance. None of that was difficult anymore. I had lived that way for a long time.
I had learned to distinguish between what was useful and what was useless among the things I possessed. My name was useful. My bloodline was useful. Even my reputation as an idiot was occasionally useful. My shadow was useful. My knowledge of the original story was useful.
Useful things could be traded. They could be sold, hidden, or taken out when needed.
But my heart was useless. And that uselessness made it even more troublesome. It couldn’t be sold. Hiding it didn’t make it disappear. I couldn’t simply pull it out when I needed it.
I had always believed the heart was the first thing that had to be discarded. Especially in the Imperial Palace. Expectation only led to disappointment. Trust only led to betrayal. It was better to become someone who desired nothing.
No one ever pointed a serious blade at a fool. Even if they did, the strike would be shallow. Mockery, humiliation, contempt—they all passed by lightly. That was what I wanted to believe.
I told myself I was fine. That none of it bothered me. That I was simply surviving.
But tonight, Adeline kept prodding at the shallow grave I had dug over that part of me. Asking if I had someone in my heart. What kind of person I liked. Why did she ask such things? Those questions weren’t part of any deal. All the answers I had prepared became useless in the face of them.
I was alone. As I had always been. Yet tonight, that fact felt sharper than usual. I had thought being alone was comfortable. That being alone was safe. So why did being alone feel so unpleasant tonight?
I quietly lay down on the bed and pulled the blanket up as high as it would go. I covered myself with the silence. I was strangely sentimental tonight. When I woke up tomorrow, these feelings would be gone. Yes, they would. They had to be.