Letters Never Sent
The first letter read:
Dear Anelia,
Are you doing well? Thanks to you, I made it safely to the tournament and even won an award. I wonder if you've finished your mission and returned. I hope you weren't hurt.
Kenta and the Shabel Mercenary Corps leader are probably the same as ever.
I couldn't find your address, so I'm sending this to the mercenary corps. If you receive it, please write back.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about wanting to become strong like you—so strong that I could survive alone in this world.
I realized something this time. Losing is such a humiliating thing.
Maybe it's not so much that I want to get stronger, but that I simply don't want to lose. That feels more honest.
That day will come someday, won't it?
And someday… will I be able to see you again?
Missing you on the 19th day of the Blue Moon,
Jeanie Crowell.
The second letter followed:
To Ash,
This is the third letter I've written to you. But I know this one won't reach you either. I think it's time I stopped writing.
It's not that I've forgotten you. I'm simply accepting that some things just don't work out. I wonder if the day will ever come when I can properly thank you.
Ash, maybe it's because I'm not used to owing anyone that I keep thinking about you. This isn't like me at all.
Our worlds are different, so maybe you've already forgotten me.
But if we ever meet again, I swear I'll repay this debt. Just you wait.
—Though if I keep muttering like this, my friend will tell me I sound like a villain and to knock it off.
On the 23rd day of the Blue Moon,
your one-day friend,
Ephiros.
P.S. Iruse says to tell you she loves you, so put her on the bride candidate list later. You two should get along.
Ever since middle school, the navy backpack whose surface had been rubbed shiny from daily use was something Dad had bought on a whim. It wasn't particularly pretty, and it definitely wasn't my style. It was bulky but sturdy enough that no matter how roughly I treated it, it never broke—so I could never ask for a replacement. That had been my small complaint.
I slung the bag stuffed with workbooks over my shoulder and shoved my feet into my sneakers at the entrance.
“Mom!”
As usual in the morning, I was starving. I figured I'd buy some kimbap on the way, which meant I needed to ask Mom for allowance.
“Give me money for school! I need to buy workbooks.”
If she found out I'd already spent the allowance she gave me on Monday, she'd definitely nag. So I decided to use the workbook excuse. Mom always gave generously when it came to study materials.
“Jin-ah.”
I finished tying my laces and stood up. Mom was standing in the living room, and her expression was strange.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I really do need money for workbooks…”
“You're not here.”
Those words hit like a spell. Everything around me vanished—the familiar entrance, our old but clean house, all of it gone. I was standing in some strange, empty space.
“Huh?”
When I looked down, I was wearing leather boots instead of sneakers. While I was still processing that, my school uniform had transformed into a long cloak embroidered with silver thread. Most striking of all was the long golden hair cascading past my shoulders. I'd had short hair for so long.
“……Mom, something's wrong with me.”
“Jin-ah.”
“Mom.”
“Did you find what you wanted to do over there?”
My throat closed up. My eyes grew hot.
“My daughter.”
The hand that reached out gently touched my face—my new face—with such tenderness.
“Have you found something you want to do?”
“……Yeah.”
“I'm glad. Are you doing the things you want to do?”
I could only nod, afraid I'd cry. Mom smiled.
“That's enough for me.”
I ended up crying after all. Tears streamed down my cheeks, but Mom kept stroking my face without pause.
“Mom.”
“Why are you crying?”
“Will you be okay without me?”
Hugging her longed-for body, I asked the question that had always worried me. How many tears had Mom shed after losing me? I was their only daughter, their precious late child born after they thought they'd never have one. Mom's skin had grown soft with age, and I'd missed that softness so much.
“Jin-ah, as long as you're happy, that's all that matters to me.”
Looking back now, Mom had seemed like someone who couldn't live without me. Thinking of her like that, there was never a day my heart felt at ease. And no matter how uneasy my heart was, it couldn't reach her—so that unease had stayed with me all this time.
“I…… wasn't okay. I was afraid you'd be too sad……”
“It's all right, my daughter.”
“Mom.”
“No matter where you are, no matter who you are…… as long as you're happy, that's enough.”
“Mom!”
Where was this place? Who was I? Where was Mom trying to go? Why was I standing here alone?
As I stared at my empty hands, Mom's voice came again.
“As long as you're happy, that's enough.”
***
Every time I woke from the dream, I gasped like I'd been pulled from deep water. When I opened my eyes, I couldn't remember Mom's face. I'd just dreamed of her, but it was already fading. What had she looked like?
I narrowed my eyes at the white arched ceiling. No matter how hard I tried to recall, nothing came back except the feeling of her. I'd already lived longer in this world than in the old one, and sometimes I forgot everything from before. There were moments when I felt like I was simply Jeanie Crowell, born in Dmitry—a noble's daughter living at Drike Academy, whose daily life consisted of wrestling with spirits, just another ordinary person in this world.
I pushed myself up on the blanket and blankly surveyed the training room. The ice spirit stone I'd been fiddling with before bed last night lay scattered on the floor.
“Aah……”
I'd slept curled up on a cushion, so my body creaked in protest as I stood and picked up the spirit stone first. I placed it inside the wooden jewelry box on the bookshelf and stretched. My shoulders popped loudly as I looked out the window. It was still dawn. A yawn escaped me—maybe I hadn't slept enough.
I extinguished the candles scattered around the room, grabbed my cloak, and left the training room. I'd been practically living in this training hall on the academy's outskirts, which somehow sat in the middle of a small forest.
“Rai.”
At my quiet call, a white snake poked its head out from the nearby bushes.
[Master, where are you going at this hour?]
“To my room.”
[It's been a while since you've gone there!]
“Yeah. I need to sleep in a proper bed. I have to go out tomorrow, so I should rest properly.”
It would take twenty minutes to reach the main academy building where my room was. I walked into the pitch-black forest. I wasn't scared. Rai was following me, and if any suspicious person appeared, I could just tie them up and use them as practice. In fact, I welcomed it. I desperately needed human test subjects for Ador.
***
My room, which I hadn't visited in a week, was so packed with gifts that there was barely space to step. Most of them were birthday presents for my nineteenth birthday. It looked like about half of them had arrived while I was away. The already messy room had become the very picture of chaos with all the gifts piled on top.
[Master! This one! Open this!]
Rai made strange excited noises while pointing at a gift box that undoubtedly contained metal. I ignored the request completely, cleared the gifts off my bed, and flopped down on it.
[Aren't you going to open the presents?]
“No…… too much trouble.”
[Then can I open them?]
“No.”
I closed my eyes, then opened them again.
“You can sort them though. Separate the ones from people I know from the ones I don't. Clear up some space while you're at it.”
Rai knew my social circle inside out since we spent almost every moment together. Plus, since spirits didn't need sleep, Rai was the perfect attendant available twenty-four hours a day.
[Excuse me? I'm a spirit, not a butler!]
“A spirit with butler functions.”
Rai was starting to realize the servant treatment and beginning to rebel.
[Master! If you're going to make me do this, at least give me a body with hands and feet!]
It was a peculiar spirit, heading in that direction.
[A snake body has its limits! Master! Are you even listening?]
“Yeah…… sure. I'm going to sleep.”
I answered half-heartedly to the grumbling and drifted off. It had been a long time since I'd slept in a bed.