I Am Not a Saint
"...Hey. Ash, what the hell are we supposed to eat?"
"You guys can just go catch more."
"This bastard... I didn't peg you for the type to play favorites like this."
"It's not playing favorites. It's called understanding the value of life. If three roasted legs don't kill a single person, isn't that incredibly fortunate?"
I tore into the leg with my teeth and glared at the merchant.
Grrr.
"What's he even saying? Seriously... Chad, doesn't Ash seem a little off to you?"
"Nope. He's right."
"What?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Take this chance to remember it well. You're all being fooled right now. He looks perfectly normal when he's quiet, but once he explodes, there's no reasoning with him. I seriously wondered if he might be a polymorphed dragon."
Enk and Gail were staring at me blankly, so I gave them a graceful, elegant smile.
Oh my, did something happen?
I told you Chad's full of nonsense.
"Just give up. If there are no legs left, eat the tough meat. That's your only path to survival."
That was actually solid advice.
***
The closer we drew to the sea—and the farther we moved from the mountain range and forests—the fewer monsters appeared, just as expected.
Bandits usually swarmed in their place, but there were none here either, so the journey became remarkably smooth.
We reached the port city of Pammington half a day earlier than planned.
The sheer number of people, rivaling the crowds at a major festival, stopped me in my tracks. Then the sea of red hair everywhere we looked hit me again.
So the trend was real.
"Ugh..."
I was genuinely horrified.
Like a cat tossed into water. Like a vampire getting smacked with a crucifix. I gripped the reins tight and slowed my horse.
"Hey, what is it this time? Why the sour face?"
Chad, riding behind me, overtook me with a mocking tone. That guy never missed a chance to pick a fight.
"I hate red hair."
"Why?"
"Because I hate Robenin Pedri!"
"Aha, so that's why you agreed to come watch? Makes sense now."
Chad laughed like my irritation was the most entertaining thing in the world. I calculated whether I could reach the back of his head.
We were both mounted, and his sitting height was much taller, so it seemed impossible.
I quietly drew my riding whip. This should do it.
"Tickets for sale! Tickets to Heidricke! Buying in bulk! Best prices! Instant transaction!"
"Whoa, easy there."
A scalper rudely cut between me and Chad's horse. The crowd was getting so thick we'd probably have to dismount soon.
"Everyone's really losing their minds."
"Robenin Pedri's popularity isn't ordinary by any standard."
"And these people want to watch that beloved figure get covered in blood? How twisted."
"Hey, you're the last one who should talk. Who was it that voted in favor again?"
"Everyone here has such refined tastes, clearly."
As I grumbled and tried to calm my startled horse, Lox cut in front of us like a teacher herding students and issued instructions.
"Let's get organized here. We should return the horses first. Everyone, dismount."
"I'll take them back, so hand them over."
"Stack the luggage from the horses over here. I'll watch it."
Chad took the reins with practiced ease while Gail handled the baggage.
This party had a surprisingly precise division of labor, which was exactly what made it a good one. Everyone moved in perfect sync without any fumbling or chaos.
"I'll check the ticket office to see if we can board a ship today."
"Then I'll pick up the supplies we've run out of. Prices in Heidricke are supposed to be brutal."
While Lox and Enk discussed what they needed to buy, I unloaded my own bags from my horse and quietly slipped toward the back.
I tried to vanish naturally into the crowd.
My specialty—ultimate technique!
Stealth... or at least I was about to use it when a man with terrifyingly sharp eyesight caught me.
"Jeanie? Where are you trying to disappear to this time?"
"Tsk."
Ash had been strangely attentive to my every move lately.
Where I was going, what I was looking at, how I was feeling... I could sense he couldn't take his eyes off me.
I wasn't sure why. Was he worried I'd hurt someone again?
Was that why his eyes looked so anxious?
"If there's somewhere you want to go, just tell me."
"Not really. I just wanted to see what's around here."
"Let's go together."
"How annoying..."
Ugh, he didn't have to make that wounded face.
"Fine. Follow if you want."
"...Ash!"
Right. The interrupter Lox was still here. There was no way he'd let the two of us wander off alone.
I'd expected him to object immediately.
"Keep a close eye on that woman... If she commits murder or anything, we won't be able to board our ship."
So Ash's persistent gaze really was part of monitoring a dangerous individual. Lox spoke through gritted teeth, clearly reluctant.
He obviously hated me sticking close to Ash, but since Ash was the only one who could restrain me, he had no choice but to endure it.
But what could he do?
The truth was, even Ash couldn't actually stop me. He was only holding back because he couldn't bring himself to kill me.
Do you know who the real crazy tyrant around here is?
It's me. Me.
***
I usually did whatever I felt like, so I preferred being alone.
Ash being next to me didn't change the way I wandered about.
I'd had some expectations, but as port cities went, this one didn't seem all that different from anywhere else.
Waves crashing everywhere, plenty of fish stalls, active trade. And a lot of races I'd never seen before.
Ah, and of course they were performing that disgusting little play here too.
"Great Dragon! I offer myself as sacrifice, so please forgive humanity!"
"Let us honor the Saint! Everyone!"
Damn it. Damn it all!
That Robenin-like nonsense!
People still thought I was dead. Street vendors were selling little statues supposedly modeled after me, and children ran through the streets singing songs in praise of the Saint.
It was so sickening that I slipped into a deserted alley with a sullen expression.
Ash noticed my foul mood immediately. And the reason behind it.
"Jeanie, everyone respects you. Why does that bother you so much?"
"Because it's fake."
"Fake?"
The alley was empty, so I didn't bother hiding my temper. I exploded.
I'd always wanted to say this.
"I am not a Saint! People are just projecting whatever they want onto me. It's all wrong!"
"No. I don't think so."
"Hah?"
After everything he'd seen of me, he still thought that? How ridiculous.
"What's fake about it? It's all true. Jeanie, what people are praising is the you from that day. How could there be any lie in that? Who else could have stood before that thing and saved everyone? Only you could have done it."
"Are you an idiot? I didn't save them on purpose! It just happened because I was trying to survive! Don't you get it yet? I'm the last person who'd ever make a sacrifice!"
"No. I heard the real story of that day. The unexaggerated truth."
Why was this guy suddenly so serious? Ash approached with a grave expression, as if the words had wounded him personally.
Before I knew it, his steady advance had backed me against the wall.
"When the ceiling shattered and that thing appeared. When everyone was screaming, staring at the end of their lives. You were the only one who stood tall and protected that place. Isn't that right?"
"...I was the only one who could step forward then."
In that urgent moment, only a Spirit Master could wield power.
The swordsmen were helpless, and the mages didn't have time to cast large-scale defensive spells.
It sounded like I was making excuses, so I deliberately sneered.
I wasn't a saint. I was just a Spirit Master who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"When it flew into a rage and tried to kill everything, who bought the people time to escape? It was you."
"......"
"Jeanie, that is sacrifice. That was absolutely a sacrifice."
"I don't see it that way."
"Everyone else does."
"I was just trying to survive. I survived, and they happened to survive with me."
"That's what makes it great."
"Ugh! Shut up! Stop talking back!"
I shoved him in irritation, but he only caught my hand.
You've been touching me way too often lately!
Even if I hit first!
"You're embarrassed, aren't you? You don't want to admit you did something good."
"No! It's not like that! It's not!"
"They say strong denial is affirmation, but you... Now that I think about it, I haven't said this yet. I'm glad I have the chance. Jeanie?"
What was this guy about to say now... His face was way too close...
"Thank you for saving everyone. My father... my younger siblings too..."
"...You were there."
Yes, I'll admit it. I'm embarrassed.
"I was there. My siblings especially remember you clearly."
Instead of answering, I pouted and avoided his gaze.
His eyes were too gentle. It was hard to look at them.
Then Ash drew even closer and quietly knelt on one knee before me.
Looking up at me with an almost reverent expression, he took my right hand and pressed a slow kiss upon it.
His pure, guileless lips touched each of my knuckles. After a long kiss on the back of my hand, he murmured with his lips still pressed there, as if he couldn't bear to pull away.
"I don't know anymore just how much grace I will end up receiving from you."
"Not that much..."
When I grumbled softly, Ash rose to his feet, still holding my hand.
The grip on my fingertips tightened, then loosened. Our eyes met.
Now that I thought about it, it was rare for just the two of us to be alone. And Rai wasn't even here.
"Are you not going to tell Enk or Gail the truth? Do you plan to keep hiding it?"
"That I'm Jeanie Crowell?"
"Yes."
We whispered to each other like we were sharing secrets, naturally drawing close.
I leaned against the wall, and Ash approached like a protective tree spreading its branches over me.
"Is there any need to announce it? If they find out naturally, they do. If not, whatever. I don't think it's important."
"Lox seems to have noticed. He's a clever friend."
"His illusions have been completely shattered, huh?"
"He's avoiding it because he doesn't want to accept that."
Someone let out a soft laugh.
See? That's exactly why I keep it a secret.
Even as I spoke with my eyes, no one entered the alley. It left the two of us alone for a long while.
In that slightly secretive stretch of time, I realized I enjoyed whispering with Ash like this.
It felt strangely, almost unnaturally peaceful.
"Hey... do you really want to become emperor?"
"I'm simply making the effort. There are many things I want to protect."
"You're really nothing like me. I only care about myself."
"You are important to me too."
He smiled as he looked at me.
When I couldn't bear it and smiled back like an idiot, a strange feeling washed over me.
A feeling I'd never experienced before.