At Cross Purposes
Most of her actions had reasons behind them. She simply acted first and explained later — and once you heard her out, her reasoning was usually understandable enough.
So I figured this latest bout of tyranny had to have some reason behind it, too. The moment lunch period began, she gestured for me to follow.
What was she planning to say this time? And if she had something to discuss, did she really need to make such a nuisance of herself beforehand? All sorts of thoughts ran through my head, but she wasn't saying a word.
Unable to bear the frustration any longer, I asked her first — about why she'd kept pestering me with her tail during class, even after I'd signaled her midway through to cut it out.
"…There's no reason?"
"Yeah."
But she said there wasn't particularly any reason at all. I was about to air my grievances over her pulling that stunt for no cause whatsoever when a single word flashed through my mind.
Test.
Never mind why she was testing me — the thought struck me that this was a kind of test. There was a certain extremely bothersome type of woman like that.
The kind who hoped you'd magically read their minds and figure out exactly what they wanted, or who took satisfaction in watching the opposite sex try. A thoroughly irritating breed.
I hadn't known she had that kind of bothersome streak in her.
Then again, there were cases of gentle, kind older sisters who turned out to be extreme sadists. It was my own fault for judging people too hastily.
Whatever the case, there had to be a reason. At the very least, she wasn't the type who moved without cause.
That much was clear from everything she'd shown me so far.
Which meant I'd done something to earn her anger. The problem was, I had absolutely no idea what that something could be.
She didn't even seem to suspect that I'd… used her as material for certain private activities.
According to what I'd heard later, even screaming at the top of your lungs only registered next door at about the level of an ant's footsteps, so I'd figured I was safe in my room at least.
But as good as her hearing was, I never imagined she'd catch even that faint a sound.
So when she asked me that morning why I'd called her name, I thought my heart would stop.
If she found out why I'd said her name, she'd cut me off for good — that much was certain.
I'd nearly despaired at the thought that I couldn't hold back a moment's desire and had completely ruined everything. But Hoyeon was even more clueless than I'd expected.
She knew how a man's body worked, but was that really all she knew?
Lucky for me. But since that wasn't the reason, her tyranny became even more baffling. Was it because of yesterday?
Or maybe some trivial thing I'd done had simply rubbed her the wrong way.
"If I did anything that bothered you, I'll apologize — as a friend."
"Friend… Ehehe. I appreciate the thought. But there really isn't anything."
I couldn't believe she still wouldn't tell me even after I said the word friend.
Asking any further would only backfire, so I couldn't press her more.
But it didn't seem like she'd done all that for no reason at all.
If she'd been the type who enjoyed tormenting others, that would be one thing — but she wasn't, which only made me more curious.
"Um… so, I'm sorry for pestering you with my tail during class. I'll apologize. And as a token of that, if there's anything you want to ask of me from now on, you can ask me for anything!"
The way it came out so naturally, as if she'd rehearsed it several times already, was one thing — but the content made even less sense.
It almost sounded like she was saying I could do whatever I wanted.
If she'd scolded me for not knowing why she was doing this, or even gotten angry in some absurd reverse-logic way, I could have gone, Figures, and moved on.
But this was incomprehensible. She deliberately created something to apologize for, then apologized while saying I could ask for anything?
"…Why?"
"Why, what…?"
"Why are you doing this?"
I wanted to know the reason. Why create something to apologize for and then apologize. Why say I could ask for anything.
What was she thinking when she said that — I wanted to understand the principle behind that behavior.
"Well, because I did something wrong…"
"That's not what I'm asking. I want to know why you do something worth apologizing for and then apologize for it."
"That's… uhh…"
"You said I could ask you for anything. I'd like you to tell me the reason. Please."
"Aughh…"
I felt like I was pushing her too hard, but more than that, I couldn't contain my curiosity. She'd just said I could ask for anything, so it shouldn't be a problem.
"…Can't you just let it go…?"
Because of the height difference, she was looking up at me. Hearing her say that while looking up at me like that made my resolve waver a little — but I had to hear it.
I was curious. I had to know how she'd arrived at that conclusion.
I knew that trying to pigeonhole people was a bad habit, so I'd been restraining myself until now, but this time I couldn't hold back.
I'd never seen a human being quite like this before.
"No."
"…So basicallyyy, I thought if I did this, you might take me around with you…"
Piecing together what she struggled to explain while so thoroughly cowed: she didn't like being cooped up in her room with nothing to do, but she also didn't like doing things alone, so she wanted to go around with me.
But just tagging along for no reason felt wrong, so she deliberately created something to apologize for, then offered me a kind of unlimited wish coupon, figuring I'd go around with her as a result.
I looked pretty lonely myself, so it wasn't a bad deal for me either. Why was I interrogating her about it?
Toward the end, a note of grievance crept into her words, so I should have comforted her — but my curiosity was satisfied, so that was enough.
To think she'd come out with such an absurd proposal for such a ridiculous reason.
"…What if I'd asked you for money because I was broke?"
Even without money, I could have made up some excuse and told her to come to my room every night. Or I could have touched her under the guise of friendship.
Of course I had no intention of doing any of that. But some stranger who didn't know the circumstances could claim to be her friend and make those kinds of "requests."
I was genuinely glad that her first friend was me.
"D-do you… need money, by any chance…?"
Uh. This isn't right.
"I-I have plenty of money. So if you're short, just say so. I'll give you some anytime."
I'd suddenly become the kind of garbage who leeches money off his friends. The problem was she seemed to be saying it with genuinely pure intentions.
Well, given her status, she probably had money to spare. That didn't mean I'd been asking for any, though.
"No, I'm fine. I'm not so hard up that I need to borrow from someone."
"No, we're friends…! Just take it!"
The way she pressed a bundle of gold coins into my hands without the slightest hesitation stirred some emotion in me that was hard to put into words.
Could it be that she'd truly lived without friends until now, and was this fixated on me because I was her first?
"…Have you never thought about making other friends?"
I asked her, mixed with curiosity and sympathy. I still wondered, since I hadn't gotten a clear answer before.
The look on her face said she was about to snap, How can you of all people say that? before holding back.
I knew it was shameless of me — taking her money and not even managing a thank-you, then poking at her weak spots. But I was curious enough that I had to ask.
Was approaching other people really that difficult? She could have leveraged her status to gather a crowd around her — why wasn't she doing that?
"…No, sorry. I spoke without thinking."
She was looking at me with eyes full of hostility, so I figured an apology was already too late.
"…"
"…Have you never thought about making other friends?"
The moment I heard those words, the world seemed to freeze.
That's what you say to me? Of all people — you, the social butterfly who makes friends and dates girls as easily as breathing?
If it were my parents, fine. Seeing their child go without a single friend would give them worries they never had before.
Mother didn't particularly care, but Father tried everything he could to make me friends, dragging this person and that person over.
Most of them either ran away terrified or just fawned over me endlessly, so not a single one ever became a real friend.
But for a popular kid to look at a loner and ask if they'd never thought about making friends? That crossed a line. Sure, I hadn't put in any effort at all — but did he think it was easy?
Who was he to ask that of someone who was too busy avoiding people when they tried to talk, claiming they'd got the wrong person or didn't know them — someone who ran away the moment their eyes met a girl's?
Of course I'd tried. I even showed up to club meetups and drinking parties just to try striking up a conversation once.
But I couldn't.
What was I supposed to do when sitting face-to-face with someone just made me want to run away?
Come to think of it, I was getting pissed off.
I'd apologized and gotten interrogated for it, while that guy took my money and then went poking at my wounds.
"…No, sorry. I spoke without thinking."
Even if he apologized, I had no intention of letting it slide. No matter that he was the first friend of my life — this I couldn't forgive.
"…"
Hmph. So he does know. Still, I'm not planning to just let this go.
…Maybe just for about three days. No, two days of this. If I don't talk to him for three days, he might go make friends with someone else.
Ah, why does everything turn out like this whenever I try to do something myself? Back home, I could leave every decision to the gods.
The moment I try to do something on my own, this is what happens.
Still, I had no intention of going back on something I'd already decided. I was going to not talk to him for two days. I wasn't going to leave his side, though.
If I stuck next to him, he'd feel too guilty to even think about making other friends.
I stopped glaring and wordlessly started walking toward the cafeteria, and Dogeon, taking the hint, started following at a carefully measured distance.
For some reason, I couldn't care less about the crowd of eyes watching us.
If I ate something spicy, maybe this seething resentment would settle on its own.