The Way They Looked at Each Other (3)
Lee Hyun's feelings reached me little by little, slowly but surely. No matter how hard I tried to ignore them, it was tough to keep playing dumb when she was dropping hints this blatant. The clincher was the soft, moist touch of her lips on my forehead during that carousel ride at the amusement park—and even before that, the shocked look on her face and the way her eyes welled up right before I collapsed. Through it all, I could sense her sincerity, faint as it was.
Honestly, I'd already caught on way before that...
If someone asked me to pin it down to an exact date, I'd scoff and say it'd be ridiculous even to try. From those hazy memories of our childhood, Hyun and I had always been tied together as oppa and dongsaeng. A shift in emotions after all those years was impossible to miss—whether it came from her... or from me.
"You do know what you're saying, right?"
I deliberately paused again before asking Lee Hyun. This might be the last moment these two at the crossroads could freeze in place. They couldn't turn back, but they could stand still, hands clasped tight.
But Lee Hyun was resolute.
"Do I look that stupid to you?"
"I'm not testing your IQ here, and you know it."
"...I've thought about this plenty before saying it. Don't change the subject."
"Fuck, even in a moment like this, you stick to that damn title. You're gonna scare everything away."
"........."
I wasn't in the mood for jokes. No dodging or deflecting, either. Still, wasting time like this with her right in front of me felt pointless.
"So, what exactly does that 'plenty of thought' of yours cover—from start to finish?"
"What kinda nonsense is that? What do you mean 'from where'? What's supposed to be included?"
...Yeah, straight to the point.
She'd probably agonized over it plenty, but I'd walked that road already. And Lee Hyun had been there along the way.
I reached out and gently stroked her hair.
"...?"
Her face flushed red in confusion, but she didn't pull away. To anyone else in the café, we might've looked like a sweet couple. But our eyes were tangled in something far more complicated.
"I wonder if Mom felt like this. Back in the day, I used to think she was being ridiculous, worrying over her fully grown son like that."
"...Can't you just explain it plainly? Why bring up your mom outta nowhere?"
"You know how much Mom dotes on me, right? When I was little, that protectiveness felt like a solid wall around me. But as I shot up taller, got older, and eventually towered over her, it started feeling unnecessary. And yet she'd still fuss over me every time she saw me."
"........."
Lee Hyun listened quietly, even if she couldn't quite grasp where I was going. She'd waited so long for this, but every second felt agonizing. Still, she held back from rushing me.
"Even as I grew up, in Mom's eyes, I was still her baby. You know how adults always say that? No matter how big kids get, to their parents, they're always just their kids."
"You gonna keep rambling bullshit?"
Finally losing patience, Lee Hyun snapped at me.
"Are you seriously clueless about what I said? Or are you dodging? If you're gonna reject me, just say it straight—"
"You've been my little sister for so long, too. Just like Mom's seen me all these years."
I cut her off, halting her outburst.
"I've always worried about you like a little sister, and that hasn't changed. You've grown so much you're almost as tall as me now, but those worries linger."
"That means..."
Her eyes wavered with anxiety, reading rejection in my talk of "little sister."
Still the same. Body's grown, but her heart's soft and young.
And yet she'd mustered the guts to throw a straight fastball. A confession so direct, no one could miss it: look at me properly.
Remembering her usual grumpy facade masking her true feelings, I knew how nerve-wracking this must be for her. That's why I wanted to respond—with the sincerity her courage deserved.
"When I was trying to sort out my feelings for Yeon noona, I had a ton of worries. Mom was part of it, so was hyung. And... you were too."
"What...?"
Her eyes widened at the mention of herself, anxiety turning to surprise as she stared at me. And so, I began my confession.
This is a confession. Watch and learn, little sis.
"When I hadn't seen you for so long, at first I didn't think much. Then memories of our time together started surfacing bit by bit. One day, spotting you from afar, I was shocked by how much you'd changed. I figured time would erase it all from my mind, but instead, I kept wanting to see you—and that freaked me out. Then, when you ran up telling me you'd gotten into Korea University, I was fucking thrilled."
"........."
Her eyes began to tremble at my calm recounting.
"Damn, seeing you up close after so long, I thought, 'Holy shit, she's gorgeous now.' Hilarious, right? More than just 'good to see you,' it was 'whoa, she's so pretty' that hit first. Made me question if I was looking at my little sis or some blind date bombshell."
"......"
She stayed silent, but her gaze locked on mine, probing for truth.
"I'm serious. You still look beautiful now. Hell, who in this world wouldn't say you're pretty? But that's not the point. It's not about how I saw you then. The moment I laid eyes on you... it was, Ah, I've missed her so damn much. That's what mattered."
"Ah...!"
A gasp escaped her. But I pressed on, ignoring it.
"We've shared so many memories, right? Never once did I see you as a girl back then. You were just a kid in uniform—would've been creepy if I had. That's why it was so familiar. No guy-girl vibes in any of it. And that's how I noticed right away, that day we reunited. I'm aware of her as a woman now."
"Not like, 'I like her!' or some rash shit. Just... I couldn't treat you like my little sister anymore."
"Wasn't funny. But we slipped right back into oppa-dongsaeng mode so naturally. Couldn't have been smoother. Had me beating myself up, wondering what the hell I was thinking."
"Luckily, surviving those repeater years toughened my mental game. I could shove it down quick. Or rather, act like it didn't faze me. Got pretty slick at it, honestly. Late-bloomer freshman life sharpened my instincts, I guess. Anyway."
Spilling my guts so flatly, like reading a comic, felt contradictory. But my eyes were dead serious, drawing her in—she couldn't look away.
Gazing at her, I decided to bare a bit more.
"I really liked Yeon noona. No idea when you caught on, but those feelings went way back. Lots of agonizing, conflict. And they were pure—no room for anyone else."
"Hyung, Mom, our family... Even thinking of them, I wrestled till the end. Greed like that doesn't bend easy. Then I met Yuri. I'm a guy—what, my eyes wouldn't roll seeing a pretty girl? And once they did, my head followed. Opened my eyes to stuff I'd missed before. 'Eyes opened' sounds cheesy; more like I finally had the leisure to look around."
".........Ah..."
That name slipping from my lips crushed her anew. 'Yeon' used to irk her back then; now 'Yuri' brought despair beyond discomfort. Amid all my words, that one stabbed deepest.
"Layer new love over the old? Nah. Meeting Yuri doesn't mean I tidy up with Yeon noona. My feelings for her weren't that simple. Didn't want to lean on Yuri to sort them, and I knew it wouldn't work anyway."
"I don't get it... what're you even saying? I just—"
The shock drowned out my voice for her. Honestly, she just wanted to bolt from this café, wander alone. Yeon unnie? Who cared now? It'd boiled down to Yeon or Yuri anyway.
But my next words held her back.
"You need to know. You're involved."
"...Me? How?"
"Told you—got the space to look around, see what I'd missed. Your feelings for me started coming into hazy focus. The way you look at me. That forehead kiss at the carousel. It sharpened everything. What was I supposed to do?"
"Uh...?"
My own name snapped her out of it.
"I'm not the self-absorbed type. Deep down, I doubted it. Thought maybe I was wrong. But if... just if... yeah, it was real. Only confirmed recently, though. Guess how that made me feel? Panic? Shock? Nah. Honestly? Fucking ecstatic. Grinning like an idiot, wondering if I'm this kinda bastard."
More than sensing it early, admitting it felt good—that reignited her heartbeat.
"Realizing I'd started seeing you as a woman, and you'd done the same with me... kinda ticklish. I'm a guy, so yeah, I imagined stuff. Got greedy."
Greedy?
I couldn't pinpoint what I meant exactly, but she guessed it matched her dreams. A spark of hope flickered in her chest.
"But it wouldn't work."
"What? Why? How come?"
She yelled, rebelling against my cruel snuffing of that spark.
"Because of unnie? Or that Yuri girl? You haven't confessed to either, right? So why?"
She knew it was forced. When feelings tilt, confessions are optional. But instinct told her my tone, my actions screamed inner conflict. Desperate to hold me before I turned away, she pleaded.
I looked at her bitterly.
"You and me, hyung and Yeon noona. How many years we known each other? Even skipping the gaps, ten at least living like one big family. Two guys, two girls as neighbors by chance? Fate's a trip. Back then, I thought we'd go on forever."
Thinking I'd dodged again, she exploded.
"Why drag hyung and unnie into this? Unnie and I are totally different—"
"Not different."
I cut her off firmly.
"You remind me of Yeon noona."
"....."
She gaped in shock as I smacked my lips bitterly. This greed has no end. Suppress it, and it springs back like a coil. So I confessed—to draw a line.
"You're not her, but the feelings you stir are similar."
Before I was sure of her heart, I never lumped her with Yeon. But as her feelings clarified, another sleepless thrill hit me. Too late, I realized: I thought I was forgetting Yeon bit by bit, but really, Hyun was pushing her out.
Chasing Yeon all those years, Hyun was always by my side. When she vanished one day, no one—not even Yeon—could fill that void.
The late-blooming feelings for Hyun crashed over me like a storm, as fierce as the years I'd ignored.
"This is neither here nor there. Forcing my heart to settle—what's the point if you're just replacing her? Every time I see you, greed bubbles up endlessly. Can't go back to square one."
Seeing Hyun brings Yeon to mind. They're not the same, but years of shared memories bind them. Sorting Yeon out by swapping in Hyun? A pipe dream, impossible fantasy.
Yesul killed my faith in platonic guy-girl friendships—I'd started seeing her as a woman. Naked romps with Yumi built my confidence with girls. Yuri's one-sided affection stirs dark urges. Hyun's beauty rivals hers, with feelings for me fueling greed—and beyond her, Yeon creeps back.
Greed endless. Ruin at the end? Didn't matter; I was hooked. Only cure: severance. Not tragic death like some legend, but cutting ties. Like I'd done with Hyun ages ago. Oppa-dongsaeng no more at this point—that was my best shot.
Change had started between the brothers and sisters. Couldn't ignore it leaning on childhood nostalgia. But once adjusted, maybe we'd share memories again, slip back to oppa-dongsaeng.
I had to believe that.
"I liked you a ton. As oppa, and as a man. But let's end it. From now on, just school senior. Nothing more."
I finished my confession.
"Ah...!!"
A short groan escaped her. Front and back halves clashed, but the meaning was clear. Like back then—ignoring schoolgirl Hyun in her uniform, pretending not to see.
Erasing me.
Did my rash confession ruin it...?
Hearing 'Yuri' had spurred her outburst, but it'd backfired. If we'd kept the oppa-dongsaeng mask, no such words.
She couldn't accept any of it.
BAM!
"No!!!!"
She slammed the table, drawing every eye in the café to us.
"Ow, fuck, you scared me. People are staring, y'know."
I tried calming her after the shock. Some patrons eyed me suspiciously already.
Fuck, even now they're judging looks.
"Fine. Live like that, oppa. Mind everyone's eyes like always—even mine. Why act different now, you asshole?"
"...What?"
"I'm not like unnie. You ramble about old memories, but forgot my personality? Once I set my mind, I never give up. When you ditched me for PC bang with friends, I scoured every one nearby till I found you. After hearing you got into Korea University, I didn't sleep over five hours straight through senior year."
"...Huh?"
"Just wait. Confess to that Yuri, and that night you'll be on the news—oppa and her stabbed."
"What? You crazy bitch—"
"Yeah, that's it. Remember my childhood nickname?"
Huh... right.
She'd hide shyly behind unnie, but flip her lid sometimes. Toys she wanted, food she craved—if she sensed losing out, black-eyed psycho mode. 'Stubborn brat,' 'crazy bitch'—that's her rep.
That bear from the claw machine? I'd planned to hand it over easy, but hearing it'd go to Yeon unnie, she flopped on the floor swimming. A quiet plea would've worked; instead, ignored my pleas, wailing, crawling, protesting shamelessly amid stares.
Just like now.
"So wait. Unless you wanna see me lose it."
With that, she shoved her chair and bolted.
Left holding the bag of stares.
"Fuck... that crazy bitch... why's the embarrassment always mine...?"
She's obsessively tenacious once she decides.
Yeon noona's old words on her echoed.
Fuck, does she even realize she kept calling me oppa the whole time?
Trying to sever Yeon—before confessing to her, Hyun confessed first.
And I got royally shot down.