Unfortunately, Now It's Memorable
This chapter contains depictions of domestic violence. Please read with care.
I was sitting down, and she was standing.
"My son."
"Yes, Mother."
I folded my hands respectfully in my lap and lowered my gaze. She liked it when I took this posture.
"I heard you took a test today."
"Yes. I turned it in to the director right after I got home from school."
The score written on the test paper I'd brought home today was a 97. My mother wasn't the type to hit me simply because my breathing annoyed her, but she also wasn't the type to calmly ask how I could possibly come home with a 97 instead of a 100.
"You've worked hard again today. Going to school can't be easy."
"It's nothing. All I have to do is study."
Fortunately, her mood seemed fine today. Watching her smile so benevolently, I let a faint smile of my own rise as I carefully watched the corners of her mouth.
If I'm lucky, today might just end like this…
"That's right? All you have to do is study. Was there ever anything else you needed to do?"
No, there wasn't.
I bowed my head quickly. "No, ma'am."
"Then why have you been coming home later and later these days?"
"I'm sorry, Mother…."
My body began to tremble as I stared down at the marble floor. I could see my hands filling my field of vision, vibrating of their own accord.
At the same time, I counted the seconds.
One.
"I've been meeting with a friend after school lately for one-on-one answer review sessions."
Two.
"I thought if I raised my math score a little more, you'd be happier with me—"
"That's your problem, right there!!"
Three.
The scream erupted at exactly the timing I'd predicted, and I shook like a frightened rabbit. This dreary woman's repertoire was always precisely the same. Wasn't it about time she changed it up?
"I cannot for the life of me understand why you're even in this house!"
"I'm sorry, Mother…."
"I can't stand the sound of your voice either. It makes me sick to my stomach! Sorry for what? Sorry for what!!"
Well, for borrowing your womb to be born, I suppose?
Wouldn't that be my fundamental transgression? I wanted to give her the answer we both already knew, but my lines were written for me.
"I mishandled the situation and caused you distress, so I— ugh."
"I told you I don't want to hear it!"
I grabbed the armrest of the chair in a hurry. Holding my breath, I braced as a vicious kick came flying in. A dull ache bloomed in my abdomen, and I clenched my teeth to keep from making a sound.
There were days when muttering I did wrong over and over made it end sooner, but she'd already said twice that she couldn't stand my voice, so today, silence was the correct answer.
"Filthy! It gives me chills, knowing something as filthy as you exists beside me!"
It was easier when I was little. A few slaps across the face and it ended quickly, because her own hands would sting too.
"I wish you were dead. I truly do! I wish you would just disappear."
Ever since I'd started living in a group home, my mother had standardized her punishments to kicking. Bruises had the advantage of fading on their own, no ointment required, but that was the only upside. Taking a kick was honestly rather inconvenient—all that tensing every muscle to keep the chair from sliding out from under me.
"Ngh!"
"I told you to shut your mouth!"
Right—days like this, when the blow caught me just under the ribs, were exactly why childhood had definitely been better. I clamped my mouth shut in a hurry, but she seized my hair and wrenched my head up. The searing pain across my scalp registered as a familiar sensation.
Hair-grabbing means it's almost over. I just have to hold on a little longer now. Really, just a little.
Hiding that rather bored observation, I made my breathing more ragged.
Then an unfamiliar word reached my ear.
"Jinu."
"…!"
The body I'd been deliberately forcing to tremble froze in an instant. I forgot I wasn't supposed to look up and raised my head.
Eyes that had already gone completely mad were right in front of me.
"Can't you please just die? Please…."
"……"
"I'm begging you… Mommy's so tired…."
She wept. Those sorrowfully wavering eyes were flooding over with moisture, fast.
Unable to tear my gaze from that beautiful sight, I said what I had to say.
"……I'm sorry."
Sorry that I couldn't give her what she wanted.
"Cut!"
The distant shout came, and the pain in my scalp vanished. It was like having cold water thrown over me—my mind snapped back all at once.
"Are you both all right?"
"I'm fine. Are you okay?"
"Yes."
An anxious hand settled on top of my head. Busy blinking, I failed to turn away the awkward little pat in time.
"You were both incredible just now. I want to carry straight on without letting the emotion break—is that all right?"
"I'm fine. What about you, Mom?"
"Ah… I'm fine too."
Actress Sung Eunhye nodded with a complicated expression on her face.
We broke the scene down by angles and repeated the shoot three or four more times. Aside from one reshoot—my eyes hadn't been captured properly on film due to a lighting problem—there wasn't a single NG. Contrary to everyone's expectation that the shoot would run long, we wrapped for the day without one flubbed line.
"Great work, everyone, truly! Oh man, you're both such powerhouses. I was worried for nothing!"
"Thank you for your hard work too, Director."
Director Yoon looked absolutely beaming. Actress Sung Eunhye looked slightly worn, but she was wearing a satisfied smile as well.
"Yeonjae. Thank you. Because of you, today's shoot went smoothly."
"I barely did anything."
"No, really. Thank you from the bottom of my heart."
Her eyes, calm and settled, looked strangely full of life. Loosening the button that had been suffocating me, I smiled warmly back at her.
"You did far better than you were worried you would, sunbae. You worked hard too."
"……Right!"
What was that? Her reaction was slightly odd, but she turned away smoothly, saying she'd see me next time. I watched her retreating figure, walking softly, for just a moment.
Figuring out this suffocating button was far more urgent than thinking anything through.
"Actor-nim, let me do that for you."
Manager Ahn Jinbae quickly undid the button my oddly clumsy fingers kept missing. I changed clothes, said my goodbyes to Director Yoon and the staff, and returned to the car.
"Haaah…."
"You worked hard today."
The moment my back hit the familiar seat, a long sigh escaped me. I stretched out the shoulders that had gone rigid from all that bracing, blinking against the grittiness in my eyes—when something suddenly appeared right in front of my face.
"…?"
"It's a present."
The words wouldn't come; it was too out of nowhere. Even as I stared at him blankly, Manager Ahn Jinbae gamely held out the rice cake box he'd been carrying.
"Eat it while it's fresh."
"Where on earth did this come from?"
"I bought it yesterday and put it in the cooler."
Good grief. A bewildered laugh slipped out of me, and as I laughed, Manager Ahn Jinbae laughed too, pressing a fork into my free hand.
"Today wasn't an easy shoot. I wanted to give you this to say thank you for your hard work."
Saying my thanks, I picked up the white plastic fork, then poked at the cake and murmured under my breath.
"…Hyung. Can I ask you something, just in case?"
"Of course."
"You don't think I was abused at that place I was adopted into, do you?"
Those mild eyes, still flecked with laughter, turned toward me.
"Nothing serious ever happened to me, really. Forget abuse—they weren't even the type to curse at anyone."
Even back when Han Seyeong had dumped rice cake in front of me, he'd never pried deeply. With only fragments of information, anyone could easily get the wrong idea—but there had truly been no verbal tirades, no beatings. I'd said it wondering whether, if he wasn't mistaken, there was really any need to fuss over me this much. In return, all I got was a strangely innocent smile.
"That's not why I'm giving it to you. I just… wanted you to feel better, Actor-nim."
I stared at him in silence, and he hurried me along—eat it quick, the cream's melting. I plucked a single blueberry off the top of the cake and popped it into my mouth. The bright, tart flavor lingered on my tongue.
"How is it?"
"Delicious, obviously. Thank you. And sorry I'm the only one eating it."
"I'm going home to grill meat. Bought some hanwoo beef yesterday."
"Understood. Then pick up mushrooms on the way back."
"Already bought them. Lettuce, perilla leaves, garlic—I've got it all, not a single thing missing!"
This man's preparation is genuinely airtight. I gave Manager Ahn Jinbae's proud grin a sidelong glance, then ended up laughing after all.
"Um… Yeonjae?"
I was organizing my notebooks into my bag after the bell rang when someone came to stand beside me.
"…?"
"Did the test go well?"
"Ah… I did all right."
It was a girl from my class. What's this, all of a sudden? Bewildered, I smiled reflexively.
"What about you, Seojin? Did yours go well?"
"Wait—you know my name?!"
Her rabbit-like face lit up completely. The reaction was more intense than I'd expected, and I found myself a little put off.
"Yeah. Of course."
"We've never even talked before, though. I thought you wouldn't know."
White teeth showed between her upturned lips as she beamed. She really does look like a rabbit.
We traded a few rounds of small talk, and then I finally asked what this was about—was something wrong? At that, she shook her head in a fluster.
"I just wanted to know if the test went okay… I figured you barely had any time to study, what with filming and all."
"I studied in the gaps after shooting. Still, I'm probably behind the other kids."
"Oh… then… should I show you my notes?"
Why on earth?
"Now? The test's already over."
"Ah, n-next time! I meant for the next test! Honestly, I wanted to give them to you in advance for this one, but you weren't at school…."
Her flushed cheeks puzzled me, but she didn't seem to have any bad intentions, so I nodded slowly. "I'll come find you then if I need them. Thanks for thinking of me."
"No problem! Um… how are you getting home? Do, do you want to walk together?"
I stared at Baek Seojin, stammering, with vague bewilderment.
Didn't I just talk to this girl for the first time in my life? Why is she suddenly asking to go home together?
As I was wondering how to answer, the back door of the classroom burst open with a clatter.
"Lee Yeonjae. Let's go~!"
It was Noh Bihyeok. Spinning his bag around one hand—he looked like the picture of happiness. He must've sprinted here the second the test ended.
Seizing my chance, I turned back to Baek Seojin. "I promised to walk with him today, sorry."
"Oh, I see! My bad! I didn't know."
"No need to apologize. Get home safe. See you next week."
One word would have been enough for her to understand, but Baek Seojin went out of her way to nod vigorously while waving her hand at the same time. I left the classroom, with its lingering air of awkwardness, at a brisk pace.
Noh Bihyeok, who had been watching my brief exchange with Baek Seojin through narrowed eyes, threw an arm around my shoulder the instant we hit the hallway.
"Whoa, Lee Yeonjae~ Doesn't this feel new?"
"What does."
"Now that you're a middle schooler, you're out here getting a girlfriend and everything?"
"Cut the nonsense and walk straight, please. I'm begging you."
"Don't tell me you forgot you're a celebrity? Even as an actor, you can't take dating rumors lightly."
Too tired to respond, I just kept walking, until I finally had to clamp a hand over the mouth of the endlessly chattering kid.
"Bihyuk, enough. Why is this such a huge deal when all we did was talk?"
"Hey. Since when does that count as 'just talking'? Going by the mood, it looked like you were one second away from a confession."
I'd had some vague sense that something was off myself, but I dismissed it with an indifferent face and chided Noh Bihyeok anyway. Only after shushing him several more times, telling him to quit making a scene, did he finally go quiet. I briefly recalled how suspiciously red Baek Seojin's face had been—then forgot all about it, thanks to Noh Bihyeok nattering on about going to get fried dumplings.
Talking with Baek Seojin wasn't remotely memorable enough to survive even a few hours. It wouldn't have lingered at all—if she hadn't come to find me the following week and said this:
"Yeonjae. I, I like you!"
"……"
Unfortunately, now it was memorable.