Too Happy to Feel Safe
The moment I returned to Korea, I went straight to my doctor.
If there was something wrong with how I expressed my anger, then I needed to find a fix and correct it.
But the reaction I got was, well, underwhelming.
"Well, that's a new one. You've been through a lot."
"...That's it?"
The doctor's expression was so nonchalant that my energy deflated for no good reason. Threatening someone with a knife didn't exactly seem like a trivial matter to me.
"I mean... everyone hits a point where their reason snaps, once or twice in a lifetime. Even the most rational person can't escape it eventually. Especially with racists—they're not the type you can talk things through with, so there's nothing to be done. You handled it well."
Worse, the compliments that followed only left me more disgruntled.
"I threatened someone with a knife. Is that really okay?"
"You said it wasn't a real knife."
"That's true, but..."
When my words trailed off, the doctor simply shrugged.
"Of course, it's not an ideal situation. Someone could have gotten hurt."
"Right."
I nodded vigorously.
"So how should I fix it?"
"......."
The doctor stared at me in silence before answering.
"Let me ask you something first. If the situation there hadn't ended when it did—if someone had ultimately gotten hurt—who would it have been?"
Before I could even open my mouth, the doctor answered his own question.
"By any reasonable probability? You, Yeonjae. No one else."
"...Is that so?"
"Even after losing your cool, you switched to a spatula, so you had no usable weapon. And even if you'd genuinely tried to bite his throat out, your bodyguard would've subdued you."
Huh. That was true.
When I nodded obediently, the doctor continued in that same matter-of-fact tone.
"Normally we'd suspect violent tendencies in a situation like this, but given everything I've said, there isn't enough basis to call you a violent person, Yeonjae. If anything, it strikes me as efficient behavior."
"Efficient?"
"You'd already figured out he wasn't someone you could reason with, hadn't you? People who take pride in their wealth or their race respond to early intimidation. Your actions lean much closer to that kind of logic."
The doctor told me not to overcomplicate it—just think of the animal kingdom.
The animal world, where the law of the jungle reigns supreme.
"You thought of the fastest way to neutralize a threat, and you carried it out. And by any measure, it worked."
"But..."
I hesitated, then asked whether we weren't human beings, not animals.
"Haha! Fair point."
That was when the doctor, who had worn a bone-dry expression the entire session, finally burst out laughing.
Why was that funny?
"I know what you're worried about, Yeonjae. How you agonize over whether each action is the right one, every single time. But the situations you'll face going forward will be endlessly varied. And there is no fixed right answer for all of them."
The doctor said that simulating the correct response in your head had its limits, too.
Prioritizing reason above all else in every possible scenario was simply too exhausting a task.
"I understand you don't want regrets, but don't get so worked up about it. Personally? I think it was a decent response. Frankly, I found it satisfying."
The doctor gave a thumbs-up and grinned.
His attitude was relatively light, but I knew he wasn't the type to blindly take my side.
When an expert puts it that way, it really does feel like nothing.
I realized, once again, just how much power the word expert carried.
"Still, I'd advise against putting yourself so casually into situations where you could get hurt."
"Ah. Yes, sir."
"Seeing you like this, you really don't seem to care one bit about getting hurt yourself."
The offhand remark made me flinch.
Well, that's because...
I practiced acting every day.
As long as I acted enough, the Misfortune Factors could never touch me.
Which meant, at minimum, nothing would injure me that day.
It was a truth I'd grown accustomed to over the years, and maybe that was why I'd grown so careless about it.
When I smiled sheepishly, the doctor smiled back.
"This is the first time you've come to me first, you know. It warms my heart. Has it been a little over six months since we last saw each other?"
Had it really been that long already?
The counseling that had begun in the latter half of the Killing Horn shoot was continuing far more smoothly than I'd expected.
Which made sense—when I saw him again after so long, the doctor wore the same languid, indifferent face as always.
He was the one who'd mentioned joining my fan cafe at our last session, so I'd been a little wary, but I'd gradually gotten used to his attitude that whatever I said, well, that's still not my business.
Frankly, that was exactly what made him so easy to talk to.
"You'll need to manage your everyday stress so that losing your cool doesn't become a regular occurrence. How about picking up a hobby on this occasion—exercise, painting, something like that? Something other than acting."
"I'll think about it."
"Good. Anything else on your mind?"
I moved to shake my head, then paused.
Should I mention this?
It felt too personal. As I hesitated, wondering if I was just wasting a busy man's time, the doctor smiled.
"Go ahead. I won't pry."
"It's nothing much, really... My manager hyung cried. He heard me introduce him to someone as family."
I thought of Jinbae, who had sniffled for a good long while after hearing what I'd told Mia. He must not have wanted to show me his crying face, because he'd buried his head against the steering wheel as he wept—and the wheel looked so tiny against his enormous frame that it had been a little funny.
"So your manager was moved."
"Yes. He's always been an exceptionally kind person."
When I chuckled, the doctor asked how it had felt to see that.
My feelings?
The question caught me so off guard that I blinked a couple of times.
"Um... it was... nice?"
"You certainly look like it was."
"I do?"
When I asked back in a daze, the doctor said, "Yes. Very much so." Then he simply watched me, quiet, as if waiting for something.
And strangely enough, my mouth began to itch.
In the end, I couldn't hold it in, and the words slipped out of me in almost a whisper.
"...Actually, I'm a little scared."
"Of what, exactly?"
"That he's that happy just hearing the word family. It's just... I never knew anyone would want that place. In my family."
But it was fine.
Because I have An-gae.
So this much was enough. I counted myself lucky just to be the only one who thought of Jinbae as my family.
That was all it was—a giddy, fluttering feeling.
At least, until I saw Jinbae crying.
"My hyung has so many good people around him. Not just me—there are his friends, and he even has real family."
An-gae might have no one but me, but Jinbae wasn't like that.
What would he even gain from thinking of me as family?
Looking at it any way I could, nothing.
That was what scared me.
"I keep thinking... what if he's mistaken? What if someday he regrets ever saying that to me?"
My lips trembled as if I were biting back the words.
"So I'm trying not to expect anything. And that's why I'm practicing reacting naturally if hyung ever tells me he didn't really mean it, but it's... not going well."
"Ahh. You're afraid of getting used to it."
"Exactly."
When I answered quickly, the doctor nodded.
"It can be frightening. The more meaning you pour into a word, the tighter it squeezes around your legs. I'd prefer it if you carried less meaning, Yeonjae."
"How?"
"Just what I said. The word family may feel special and precious to you now, but a word is just a word. There's no need to load it down with so much."
The doctor pointed out that words could change—friend into lover—and that there were plenty of cases of actual blood family cutting ties forever.
"No relationship is immutable. Which means there's no point in agonizing over it."
"......."
Experts really did catch on fast.
Ugh.
I scrubbed my face dry, trying to hide my embarrassed smile.
"Yes. I'm incredibly anxious. Anxious enough that I've considered forging documents, in case hyung changes his mind later."
When I laid it all out honestly, the doctor grinned.
"But you do know, don't you? Even documents are, in the end..."
"Just a sheet of paper."
"Exactly. What matters isn't words or paperwork. Don't lose yourself in defining the relationship—focus instead on the moments you're enjoying right now."
The doctor's advice was detached and lukewarm.
Neither too cold nor too warm—and that made it sit easily in my chest.
"Then I'll see you at our next session."
"Thank you, Doctor."
After saying my goodbyes, I stepped out of the counseling room.
A very large person came toward me immediately.
"Actor-nim. Are you feeling all right?"
The owner of that gentle voice was my manager, my housemate—the person I thought of as family.
And, astonishingly, he thought of me as family too.
"I'm so happy it scares me."
"I'm sorry?"
I watched his expression shift from confusion to deep, grave concern.
How long will this last?
Sometimes I wished something would just stay the same.
With a childish whimper caught in my throat, I let out a small laugh.
"It's all your fault, hyung."
"I'm—what??"
Grabbing the hand of my even more bewildered hyung, I whispered that we should hurry home.
I wish this moment would last forever.
I'd known for a long time that I was greedy.
It was just strange to discover my greed could still grow from here.
And so I arrived home in a mood that was subtle and complicated.
Right up until I opened the front door, I'd been feeling rather poetic about it all.
That feeling didn't even survive three minutes.
Well, of course it didn't.
How was anyone supposed to stay sentimental in front of a scene like this?
"This is too much. I'm the one who introduced Jinbae to you. I'm the one you could have called Dad. And you only introduce Jinbae as family."
"...Hyung, get up first. The floor is dirty."
"Don't care. I'm hurt. I'm depressed."
There was Jung Hyun, lying sprawled in front of the entrance, staging a one-man protest.
From that dignified, mature face poured a voice whining with all its might.
I swallowed a sigh at the sight of Jung Hyun with I'm sulking written plainly across his face.
"When on earth did you even hear about that?"
"Jinbae sent a group message."
What?
I whipped around in horror, and Jinbae smiled shamelessly.
"It's good news. The happier the occasion, the more people should know."
"Wha—no, who did you send it to?"
"For starters, everyone saved in my contacts."
I'm going to lose my mind.
Jinbae's eyes glowed faintly, softly, with pure madness.
As I pressed a hand to my forehead, Jung Hyun grumbled on.
"I'm quitting acting too. I'll be your road manager instead."
"Hyung, get a grip."
"My schedule keeps me away from your side, and I don't even get introduced as family."
With one cheek still pressed to the floor, his speech came out more slurred than usual.
It was honestly a rather cute sight, but I worried his mouth might get stuck like that if he kept it up.
"Get up. Please?"
"I'll get up if you call me family too."
"...Of course you're my family too, hyung."
The moment the hesitant words left my mouth, Jung Hyun bellowed, "Hmph! Is that all?"
"What's with the silence? That hurt. I'm wounded. Am I not family to you?"
"No, I was just embarrassed. Jinbae-hyung, stop smiling and help me talk him down."
"Not my problem. I hate him the most right now. I'm going to lie here for the rest of my life."
Jung Hyun was acting exactly like a five-year-old sprawled on the floor of a mart, angling for a toy.
Meanwhile Jinbae stood by wearing a proud, gratified smile.
What were these two even doing, honestly?
I was still mid-sigh when a familiar voice cut in from the living room.
"Whatever you two may be, I'm the one who's actual family here."
I turned to find Lee Euntaek seated boldly on the sofa as if he owned the place.
What was he doing here now?