The Least Helpful Research Subjects
Before the audition, the biggest reason I couldn't immerse myself in Yu Hyeon was 'my feelings about Nabi.'
Even from the few lines of dialogue he had, it was clear his emotions were more complicated than an ordinary first love—and the problem was that I had never even experienced the ordinary kind.
Romantic feelings. I had absolutely no idea how to grasp them.
So I went first to the person around me who seemed most well-versed in that particular field.
"Hmm, well, I've never actually liked anyone, so I wouldn't know."
"Didn't a girl from the class next door confess to you last week?"
"Huh? How did you know that... So you *were* paying attention to me, even though you act like you don't care."
"What are you talking about now."
"It's okay, it's my fault. It's because I was born looking like this... Ah, and now I've made another one cry."
Naturally, this was no help at all. All it did was annoy me when Noh Bihyeok pretended to wipe away tears that didn't exist.
When I swatted away the hand creeping toward my face, he finally snickered and shrugged. "I don't do romance. What if my past comes back to bite me after I debut?"
Next up was Park Haeun.
She made a troubled face before I'd even finished my question, and I knew I was doomed.
"Hmm. What do I do, I've never liked anyone either. I was never really in a position where that could happen, to begin with."
"I see."
*Position? What does she mean by that? Does she mean her home situation is strict?*
I was curious, but it felt like something I shouldn't ask, so I just nodded—only for Park Haeun to glance around us and pull a bitter expression.
"There's just no good options around here, no good options at all..."
"..."
"Let me say this in advance: do not bring up Noh Bihyeok. Seriously. I might forgive you, but my fists won't."
She said it with such a straight face that I nodded, laughing.
She laughed along, then sobered up to warn me, "I'm not joking, so really, be careful."
And so I finished another conversation that had been of zero help and sank into despair. There was no one else to ask.
Actor Lee Jeonghyeon was far too busy for me to even feel comfortable texting him.
It was then, when I was at a complete loss, that an unexpected source came to my aid: Angae.
It was an opening as shocking as hurling a massive boulder into perfectly still water.
"I think Yeonjae is exactly that for me!"
"What?"
We had been in the middle of discussing a precise definition of Yu Hyeon's feelings for Nabi and the structure behind them.
The sheer impact of the statement made me raise my voice without meaning to.
For a moment, I just stared. What on earth was he saying?
"Do you even hear yourself right now?"
"Huh? Why? I really do think meeting Yeonjae was the best thing that ever happened to me. Do you know how bored I was all this time! If it weren't for Yeonjae, nothing would be this fun."
"Oh—so that's what you mean... Right. Yu Hyeon could only put down his burden once he met Nabi, too."
"Exactly! I was *so* bored. I can't even imagine living without Yeonjae anymore!"
Angae spewed out the embarrassing confession without a trace of embarrassment on his face.
But the moment I heard it, I heard water pooling at my ears begin to rush past like a roaring waterfall.
It sounded like a door of understanding swinging open.
The comfort Nabi brings Yu Hyeon is practically an addiction.
Just as Angae gains amusement from me.
If you'd never known it, you could live without knowing—but once you've had a taste, there's no going back to how things were.
Did affection really have to be some fresh-faced boy-meets-girl first love to count?
Once a relationship reached the extreme stage where the other person became indispensable, the emotion had to transform into something similar.
Not 'a faint blush spreading across the cheeks,' but 'an anxious gaze that clings'—that kind of sticky, cloying emotion. And along with it, a quietly festering obsession.
There needed to be a shamelessness too—the willingness to seize the other person's weakness and turn it into a weapon, the moment they showed vulnerability.
Even if the process wore them down. Because what mattered was—
"Because you're beside me..."
"Hm?"
Angae tilted his head and looked at me, but I couldn't answer.
The guesses tumbling one after another made it impossible to keep the conversation going.
They were only guesses, strictly speaking—so as a second step, I set about testing whether those emotions held up under scrutiny, and practiced expressing them.
Using the childlike way Angae looked at me as a foundation, I layered on my understanding of Yu Hyeon's affection, piece by piece.
The subtle, unspoken relationship between Yu Hyeon and the Queen Consort hinted at in the script also took on sharper definition as I worked through it.
And I built an action to serve as the 'button' Actor Lee Jeonghyeon had told me about.
Clenching my fist.
Every time the emotion crystallized, I would consciously squeeze my clenched fist.
Into the ache of fingernails pressing into my palm, I wove the sensation of Nabi's neatly braided hair.
Into the dull, throbbing numbness of muscles trembling at full strain, I wove the memory of the Queen Consort's rigid face.
Perhaps because the method worked, I managed to deliver a fairly composed emotional performance even at the audition.
I'd thought of it as reasonably stable by my own standards, but I hadn't expected that simply clenching my hand would be enough to pull me under.
As I peeled off my sweat-soaked clothes, I turned over the emotions of Yu Hyeon I'd been picturing earlier.
'So that's how heavy the burden felt, even back when he was Crown Prince.'
I'd guessed as much and practiced based on that reasoning, but the emotions I felt as Yu Hyeon himself, fully immersed, were far more crushing than anything I'd imagined.
The pressure was intense enough that I could finally understand why Yu Hyeon clung to Nabi with such abnormal obsession.
And if the one person who offered him that comfort had fallen in love with a false Crown Prince...
Yeah. Even I wouldn't give a damn about the kingdom tilting on its axis.
'I should go set out an envelope for tomorrow, too.'
My first-ever experience with hyperventilation had been harder than I expected.
I already knew it was something anyone could experience in everyday life.
I knew it was nothing to make a fuss over, too—but a little advance preparation couldn't hurt.
Honestly, if things got truly dire, responding the way I had earlier seemed like a perfectly viable option.
A hollow laugh escaped me at the thought of putting it to use like that, along with a faint twinge of guilt, as if I were exploiting acting itself.
Hmm. That one stays secret from everyone else. Especially from Actor Lee Jeonghyeon.
***
"Yeonjae, have you thought about which agency you want to join?"
The moment we met, Actor Lee Jeonghyeon handed over an armful of snacks he'd hauled back from Florence and asked casually. I shook my head.
Getting into the audition hadn't even been part of the plan in the first place.
I had no idea how things would unfold once the drama ended—why bother signing with an agency now?
"I see. Still, I think you'll need a manager. Getting to and from sets and all that. If you were an adult, maybe not, but at your age it'll be difficult."
"I see. Then what do child actors without managers do?"
"Usually their parents come along. Nine times out of ten it's the mother."
Hmm. I frowned at the awkwardness of it.
Teacher Lee Sihyun had accompanied me to the funeral home shoot, but I couldn't keep asking the teachers for one-off favors like this.
As I sank into thought, Actor Lee Jeonghyeon, who had been watching me closely, spoke up quietly.
"Yeonjae. You know my manager, right? Hyeonseok-hyung."
"Ah, yes. I greeted him before."
"Right. Well, actually, there's one more manager besides him. My schedule's too packed for Hyeonseok-hyung to handle alone, so there's someone who helps out when it gets heavy."
Managers came in ranks too, apparently—and the person Actor Lee Jeonghyeon was describing was what they called a road manager.
"He's worked with me for a year or two, so he's trustworthy. How about signing with him as your dedicated manager, just for the duration of this drama? I'll take care of telling the company myself."
"A dedicated manager?"
"Yeah. It sounds grand, but it's an individual-to-individual contract, so think of it as a part-time job if you like. I'll handle all the cost matters with the Director, so don't worry about a thing."
I deliberated for a moment, then agreed readily with a nod.
When I knew absolutely nothing about this world, it was best not to ignore advice from someone with experience.
At my answer, Actor Lee Jeonghyeon clapped his hands in delight.
His well-kept hair swayed softly with the motion.
He later went over the drama schedule again over the phone—apparently I'd only half-listened the first time.
On top of that, I got a piece of advice: until the script reading, I was to think about nothing but practice. Angae will be pleased.
***
"Lee Yeonjae, what are you doing?"
"Reading the script."
"Did you really think I didn't know that, hence the question? Anyone can tell that's an invitation to come play."
Noh Bihyeok rested his chin on the crown of my head and whined about coming outside.
Ignoring him proved useless. When the voice droned on above my head yet again, I gave up and finally turned around.
"Bihyeok, get off me. It's hot."
"What do you mean 'it's hot,' it's only June. We've gotta play soccer before it gets any hotter."
"I told you, I can't play soccer. Go play with the other guys."
"Calling yourself bad at something you've never even tried? Come on, just one game with me. I need a teammate, pretty please."
Noh Bihyeok shook my shoulder with a sugary smile.
He never used to fuss over me to this degree.
Ever since the three of us met with Actor Lee Jeonghyeon a month ago, whatever rhythm had existed between us completely disappeared.
Everything the actor had told us that day was solid information even to an ignoramus like me, and the expression on Noh Bihyeok's face when we parted clearly showed he understood its worth.
Ever since then, he'd latched onto me shamelessly, and I'd thought, 'Aw, so he's that grateful.' But as the days passed, it only got worse.
'My doing well is good for him too, I guess.'
But what if I flopped spectacularly this time and became a laughingstock instead?
Then even after his debut, there'd be nothing for him to gain from me.
You'd think the win-win logic would work both ways—so why couldn't he just leave me in peace to practice?
Sighing inwardly as my body rocked in Noh Bihyeok's enormous grip, I swallowed.
"Let's do soccer another day. I can't work up a sweat today—I have somewhere to be this afternoon."
"Somewhere to be? You? Who are you meeting?"
A friend I know? From another school? Or maybe Choi Sanghoon?
I answered in an exhausted voice under Noh Bihyeok's relentless chatter.
"The manager hyung I mentioned before. Today's the first time we're meeting."
"Ah, the one with the unusual name. What was it again..."
*Hard to be more unusual than yours,* I thought, but I just said the three syllables and nothing more.
Any further conversation was beyond me—I was completely drained.
The name of the man who would become my dedicated manager was Ahn Jinbae, and I'd heard he was four years younger than Actor Lee Jeonghyeon.
There were still about two weeks until the script reading, but we'd agreed to meet face-to-face and talk before signing anything.
He was apparently going to drive to the school front gate to coincide with my dismissal, so I'd have to exchange a brief greeting and get moving.
I wasn't exactly filming enough scenes to justify needing a manager... but if he was someone Actor Lee Jeonghyeon personally vouched for, he'd probably be fine.
Actor Lee Jeonghyeon's manager looked like the textbook definition of the profession. A stocky build, a steady, dependable face, dark circles carved deep.
I wondered what this one would look like.
"It is an honor to meet you, Actor Lee Yeonjae!"
"...Yes. Hello."
And so the Ahn Jinbae I met in front of my school was not, by any stretch, within the range of what I'd imagined.
"My name is Ahn. Jin. Bae! I look forward to working with you!"
A frame standing close to 190 centimeters bowed to me at a full ninety degrees.
His voice just happened to be enormous, too—every kid within a hundred meters turned to look our way.
I could feel Noh Bihyeok beside me barely holding in his laughter.
Ah. Today really is exhausting.