Until You Get Sick of It
When I stayed silent, Lee Euntaek shifted awkwardly, having waited patiently this whole time.
“Come on. Say something, anything.”
I studied his embarrassed face, then asked.
“So you don't think I killed Jiheon-hyung?”
“Haah, how many times do I have to—”
“What if I really did kill him?”
“What?”
I stared at him, expressionless, as he frowned. Behind my back, where he couldn't see, I quietly clenched my fist.
Don't get your hopes up.
Stay calm. It's too early to hope.
“If I really was involved in Jiheon-hyung's death, and your injury was my fault too—would you still want to be around me?”
“I told you. It wasn't your fault.”
“No matter how many times you say that, I won't change my mind.”
At my words—that he simply wouldn't understand—Euntaek's eyes crinkled in frustration. Being looked at like a sulking child stung, but I couldn't exactly bring up misfortune factors. So I just repeated myself.
“I believe everything that happened was because of me. You can call me stubborn, curse at me for it—this won't change.”
“……”
“From now on… that kind of thing won't happen again. I'll make sure of it. But what's already happened can't be undone. Jiheon-hyung died because of me, and you got hurt because of me. Are you still okay with that?”
Are you still okay with me, despite all that?
I ground the words out through clenched teeth. Euntaek stared at me for a long moment, then finally spoke.
“Yeah.”
“……”
“Not upset. So text me once in a while.”
It was too easy. So flippant it made me want to be angry about it. When my expression twisted at the surge of emotion, Euntaek shook his head.
“You're really difficult, you know that?”
“Don't say it so lightly. Think it through a little more. Seriously.”
“I am serious. I meant every word.”
“…Sincerity is only ever momentary.”
Everyone always insists they're serious. That they genuinely like me, that they truly cherish me, that they really do love me. That they'll always be by my side.
I know the feelings behind those words aren't fake.
It was sincere in that moment, sure.
But so what? Nothing in this world is guaranteed by a momentary emotion. Responsibility isn't something you carry for a moment—it's something you carry forever.
“Don't say words you can't be responsible for your whole life over one moment's choice, hyung.”
When I said it with a solemn face, Euntaek blinked at me in bewilderment.
“Hold on, I'm confused. Did I just propose to you or something? I thought I just asked you to text me…”
“I'm greedy. That's all.”
“You? Greedy?”
At his incredulous reaction, I nodded obediently.
“Once something's in my hands, I don't want to let it go. Jinbae-hyung, Bihyeok, my fans—all of them.”
If a day ever came when I had to let them go from my hands, I would do everything in my power to make sure that day never arrived. You could call it a child's whining; I wouldn't argue. Because if such a thing did happen, I'd eliminate the cause itself if I had to, just to keep them.
And you're no different.
I looked quietly into Euntaek's eyes.
“I'm giving you the chance. If you ever think you'll get sick of me later, then just stay how we are now. I'll live so that I never cause you harm. So you need to think carefully and answer honestly, right now.”
“……”
Euntaek gazed at me in silence, then raised his hand.
And smacked me on the forehead.
“Ow!”
Stars burst across my vision. When I clutched my forehead, Euntaek muttered, looking thoroughly exasperated.
“You really are a kid…. Ha. What have I been doing all this time?”
“Why did you hit me all of a sudden?”
“Shut up for a second. It's making me feel guilty…”
What kind of logic was that?
Glaring at him over my stinging forehead, I seethed. That actually hurt. It was nothing like the playful smacks Bihyeok dealt out—not even close.
Regardless of my glare, Euntaek mumbled to himself for a long while before sighing.
“Haah, kid. Nobody can promise how things will be between people. We don't even know what tomorrow will bring. Say I never end up hating you—what if you end up hating me? Then what? Isn't that scary?”
“That won't happen. So you just—ow!”
“Think before you talk.”
“Ah, why do you keep hitting me!”
My forehead, twice-struck, felt like it was on fire. Furious, I raised my hand too, but Euntaek dodged it with ease. That little bastard.
When I lunged at him swinging, Euntaek snickered and grabbed my wrist.
“That mad? Older brothers are supposed to hit their little brothers. It's tradition.”
“What kind of ignorant nonsense is that?”
“Ignorant?? Did you just call your hyung ignorant?”
“I called you ignorant because you're saying ignorant things! Use that head of yours before you open your mouth!”
As I snarled through gritted teeth, Euntaek bellowed right back. When his hand came flying toward my forehead again, I kicked his chair clean out from under him.
With a tremendous crash, Euntaek went down—and grabbing a fistful of my shirt on the way, he dragged me down with him.
“Hey, let go of this!”
“You let go first!”
“What is even happening right—hey! Stop biting me!”
It was absolute chaos. I had Euntaek's arm in my teeth; Euntaek had my head in a headlock. Furniture crashed and clattered around us as we thrashed. My reason had left the building entirely, and I moved on pure instinct, no thought involved.
“Actor Lee! The noise is—what are you two DOING?!”
I didn't even hear Jinbae-hyung opening the door and rushing in. Apparently everyone had been waiting in the living room, because they all came pouring into the room.
“What the—what are you two doing?!”
“Jinbae, you grab Yeonjae. Quick!”
Jinbae-hyung wrapped his arms around me from behind while Jung Hyun-hyung and Noh Bihyeok wrestled Euntaek down. The familiar steadiness pressed against my back, but my blood was up, boiling all the way to the tips of my hair. The instant they tore us apart, I didn't waste the opening—I drove my foot straight into Euntaek's solar plexus.
“Ugh….”
Euntaek's breath caught—apparently it had landed solid.
Jung Hyun-hyung shrieked and yelled at me.
“Yeonjae! Stop it!”
“Actor Lee. Please calm down.”
Jinbae-hyung murmured close to my ear, but I couldn't calm down. I'd worked myself up past the point where even I understood what I was feeling. Whether it was rage, indignation, fear, or hurt—I couldn't tell. I just wanted to scream until my throat gave out.
“Hey! The solar plexus—you son of a—were you trying to KILL me?!”
So when Euntaek bellowed that, I screamed back.
“That's right! I kill people!”
The words I'd been grinding down deep in my chest burst out of my mouth in a raw, ragged voice.
“He died because of me! So what am I supposed to DO about it!!”
It wasn't like I had a choice either. Yes, it happened because of me—but I didn't know it would. I didn't know, either.
My choked, ragged cries filled the room from wall to wall.
“What exactly am I supposed to do about it?!!”
Startled eyes turned toward me from every direction. But a wail that had finally torn loose doesn't settle easily. I kept screaming, one cry after another without pause, until my voice went hoarse from shouting so hard in so short a time.
Feeling the raw burn in my throat, I whispered.
“I really didn't know either….”
The words that spilled out without passing through reason were soaked in tears.
When I quietly began to sob, a heavy silence settled over the room. With Jinbae-hyung still holding me from behind, my hands were pinned and I couldn't even hide my face. I bowed my head low, and in my blurred vision, the tears simply fell, one after another.
I'm dizzy.
It felt like a lump that had been bound tight inside my chest for so long was finally coming undone. The world swung yellow, then black, then yellow again.
That was when someone came toward me with heavy, unhurried footsteps.
“Yeonjae.”
Han Haram, smaller than me, slipped underneath me before anyone could stop him. At the same moment, the tears streaming from my eyes landed on his round cheek.
I stared blankly at the drop of water that had fallen there—like it was the child who was crying—until Haram whispered.
“Don't cry.”
“……”
“It's okay….”
His cheek pressed against my stomach where I was being held. It was warm.
Without meaning to, I tensed my body, and Jinbae-hyung's grip loosened. With my hands finally free, I wrapped my arms around Haram and held him close.
“Ah—ahem. Sorry. Did I startle you?”
I hurriedly wiped my face and cleared my throat. What an embarrassing display to show in front of a child. My head was still foggy.
I was struggling to pull myself together when Haram, still tucked against my chest, murmured.
“Don't apologize. Yeonjae didn't do anything wrong.”
“……”
I'd heard those exact words countless times—just now, in fact, from Euntaek himself. That it wasn't my fault. But I'd denied it every time. Because it happened because of me. Because it was caused by misfortune factors latching onto my body. And therefore, it was my fault. Euntaek said no—but the words coming from someone who had actually known Jiheon-hyung were something my guilt simply couldn't accept. And yet…
“…Yeah. Thank you.”
I held Haram tighter and murmured the words into his hair. Apparently, that was what I'd been desperate to hear. Only through the mouth of a child who had nothing to do with any of it did the words it's not your fault finally make it into my head.
As I stared blankly at the floor, I saw someone stride into my field of view.
“Lee Yeonjae.”
It was Euntaek.
Unlike everyone else, whose faces were a tangle of emotions, Euntaek's expression was calm. And his words were equally simple.
“Sorry for hitting your forehead.”
“……”
The apology was so refreshingly matter-of-fact that I momentarily forgot I'd been crying at all. Somehow, I nodded.
“And… I'm sorry for kicking you in the sternum.”
“It's fine. Apparently brothers are supposed to grow up beating the crap out of each other.”
“…Who told you that?”
“I saw it in a drama.”
His shameless confidence left me speechless. As I gaped at him, Euntaek opened his mouth again.
“I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for lying about you to the other kids in elementary school. I'm sorry for the crap I said when we met at the practice studio. You were going through hell too, and I'm sorry I only thought about myself and acted like a brat.”
Just as I was standing there dazed by the torrent of apologies, delivered at something close to rap speed, Euntaek met my eyes and didn't look away.
“And I'm sorry I left you alone all this time.”
“……”
“I never knew you could dig yourself so deep into a hole all by yourself, for so long. If I'd known, back when you told me you were leaving, I would've dropped ring lights and choreography and everything and just followed you around.”
What on earth was he saying?
At my flabbergasted face, Euntaek snorted a laugh.
“You're right. What's done is done—there's nothing anyone can do about it. Can't change the past…. So I'll just keep saying it. Over and over. It wasn't your fault.”
“……”
“It wasn't your fault. I'll say it until you get sick of hearing it—so at least text me.”
I opened my mouth, feeling like I had to say something—anything—in reply, but no words came. When I just stared at him blankly, Euntaek grinned, trying to break the tension. “You haven't even saved my number in your phone, have you?” he teased.
And my expression froze.
“…You really haven't?”
“Well, you see….”
“Hey! Isn't that going too far?”
Euntaek, looking genuinely wounded, started rummaging through my pockets. When he told Haram, still clinging to my stomach, “Move it, shorty,” Haram yowled like an angry cat—“I'm not shorty!”—and clung on harder.
“My phone's not in my pants, so quit frisking me!”
“Then where is it? You seriously didn't save my number?”
“I was going to do it today!”
“Yeah, right you were!”
As Euntaek raised his hand toward my forehead again, Jinbae-hyung hastily blocked it. In the meantime, I delivered a swift kick to his shin.
“Ow!”
“Stop hitting my forehead!”
“Hey—that last hit was YOU, you jerk!”
The once-silent room was now filled with nothing but the two of us shouting. Jinbae-hyung and Han Haram were attached to me; Jung Hyun-hyung and Noh Bihyeok had Euntaek pinned. Seong Ijun and Nam In-hoo, who'd looked completely lost back when I was sobbing, announced, “We'll go watch TV in the living room,” and slipped out.
That night, after catching a monumental scolding from Jung Hyun-hyung, Euntaek and I signed a written pact: neither party shall engage in physical altercations with the other.
That pact was torn in half two days later—by me, lunging at Euntaek the moment he walked through the door for a visit.
And a new contact was added to my phone.