Little Bambi
"Our Haram is eight years old now~. He's about six years younger than you, actor Yeonjae, isn't he?"
"Seven. And please, speak comfortably."
"Oh my, how could I possibly do that? My, my~ I'd heard you had such a lovely personality, and it's really true."
The woman's artificially curved eyes trembled faintly.
Why is she smiling like that?
It was an unnatural smile. Still, it was a fairly well-crafted expression, all things considered.
She could probably act for real, that one.
I rose from my seat with that thought. As I stood up abruptly, the woman fidgeted, watching my every move.
"Where are you going? Is something the matter...?"
"No. I'm just going over to my manager."
"Ah~ well, if you're not too busy, might I ask one small favor of you?"
The woman smiled with practiced grace. At the same time, she pushed the boy — who had been cowering by her side — toward me.
"Could you possibly watch our Haram act, just once? He goes into filming in a little while, and he's terribly lacking, you see~."
"Mom...."
"Haram, what did Mommy say about how to behave outside?"
"......."
The boy's small murmur vanished the instant the sharp words cut through it. I looked at him standing there stiffly, his face frozen, then nodded.
"All right. I will."
Time was the one thing I had to spare, after all. The woman's face lit up at my answer.
"Oh my! You're so kind. Thank you so much. Haram, the lines you practiced with Mommy yesterday—"
"Sorry, but could Haram and I do it just the two of us?"
I cut her off as politely as I could manage. When I added a gentle smile and said, "I get shy rather easily," the woman — momentarily thrown off balance — recovered with a laugh.
"Of course. Whatever suits you. Haram, listen carefully to the actor, okay~? Mommy is going to go chat with your uncle over there, all right?"
"Yes ma'am...."
Even after the woman left, Han Haram stayed frozen in place for a long while. I quietly watched him, then sat back down on the floor.
"......."
When I said nothing, the boy began stealing glances at me.
"Do your legs hurt?"
"Huh?"
"You can sit down. Like before."
At my offhand words, Han Haram hesitated, then settled down beside me. The way he wiggled his legs together as he folded himself into a sitting position was so utterly childlike.
Was I that small when I was eight?
Sitting side by side, the crown of Han Haram's head barely brushed my shoulder. He really is tiny.
"......What are you doing?"
"Ah, sorry."
I had been stroking his hair without realizing it. An-gae had taken on a child's form so often that my hand had moved on pure instinct.
"Sorry. That bothered you, didn't it."
I pulled my hand back and apologized at once, but Han Haram shook his head awkwardly.
"It's fine. You can do it... it's just—"
"No. I touched you without permission."
"......It really is fine, though."
Han Haram rolled his eyes this way and that, gauging my expression. I had a fair idea what he was working up to say, but I simply waited. Unable to bear the silence any longer, he spoke first.
"I really am okay...."
"Okay with what?"
"Huh?"
"Say clearly what you're okay with. And 'it's fine' isn't the only way to say it, you know. There are clearer words."
"......."
At my flat reply, Han Haram pressed his lips tightly shut. Wondering if perhaps the Korean was the problem, I told him he could speak in whatever language he wanted.
It must have been the last thing he expected, because his eyes went wide and he asked back,
"(Really? I can speak in English?)"
"(Yeah. I've been studying English anyway, so that works out nicely.)"
"(But... Mom said I'm not supposed to use English here....)"
His eyes darted busily, trying to confirm where the woman was. Watching him, I answered without much thought.
"(If you want to, then do it. It's just the two of us here anyway.)"
"(......)"
Han Haram studied me for a moment, then slowly opened his mouth. The pace was frustratingly slow, but the meaning of his words came through perfectly.
"(You can touch my hair. I like being patted.)"
"(There you go.)"
The moment he finished, I brought my hand back to his head. Whether it was carefully maintained or simply natural, his hair was soft as flowing water.
"(Good job. From now on, speak that clearly. That's how people understand you.)"
"(......Okay.)"
Han Haram barely managed to nod. He looked strangely bashful, but I kept stroking his hair anyway, undeterred.
All that studying was worth something.
Half a year had slipped by since I'd started English lessons, and I could tell my speaking had improved noticeably since Cannes. I felt a quiet pride in it, and the texture under my palm was pleasant, so I went on patting in silence.
"......."
It was Han Haram who broke the long stillness.
"Um... your name is Yeonjae, right?"
"Yeah."
"Can I call you Yeonjae?"
Hm. I didn't really mind, but—
"I'm fine with it. Your mom won't like it, though."
"Really? Why?"
"In Korea, you don't usually call someone older than you by their name. You say hyung instead."
"Oh, right. Hyung. That's it."
Han Haram nodded along eagerly, as if he'd known all along.
"Then... hyung? Can I call you hyung?"
"Sure. When it's just the two of us, call me whatever you like."
Han Haram seemed to have a remarkably sunny disposition. He smiled every time a single exchange ended, no matter how small.
"I really like you.... You seemed like a star before, but now you're like the moon!"
I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded like a compliment, so I thanked him. As we traded a line or two back and forth, the conversation turned to today's shoot.
Today's scene was a flashback — a conversation between Jung Hyun, playing Dr. Kang Seok, and young Hon. Which meant Han Haram would be playing Hon as a child.
"So this is your first time acting?"
"(Yeah. I've only done a few small photo shoots. This is my first time on a set this big. I'm so nervous! What if I mess up? Mom's going to be so mad at me.)"
Han Haram's English came out at the speed of a fighter jet. It was so fast I barely caught it all before answering.
"It's my first time on a set this big, too. So you don't need to be nervous — you're not the only one."
"......."
If you've practiced enough, there's no reason to be nervous — that was the idea behind the words. Fortunately, he seemed to catch my meaning. His face brightened, and the smiling boy looked suddenly full of confidence.
"(Yeah! I'll do a good job!)"
"Great. Now switch back to Korean. Your mom's coming."
"Ah—okay!"
The woman arrived moments later, and I was thanked for having a "conversation" with her son. It was such utter nonsense that I simply pretended not to hear it properly. Even as he was led around by his mother's hand to greet the staff, Han Haram kept glancing my way every chance he got.
I did my best to ignore those childish glances.
"Haram, was it? That kid really looks like you."
".......Does he?"
"Mm. His eyes are so similar."
Jung Hyun smiled and stroked the corner of my eye. "You must have looked exactly like that when you were eight... I'm curious."
"Me? When I was eight?"
"Yeah. I wish I'd known you back then."
I watched him click his tongue with genuine regret. A while ago, I would have wondered, Why does that even matter? But now, I understood.
Because Jung Hyun-hyung likes me.
And I liked him, too. I'd wondered why he first started acting, what he loved when he was my age, how he'd come to wear such a tender smile. Every breath seemed to raise a new question.
He must feel the same about me.
The thought seemed reasonable enough, and I gave a small nod. At the same time, I wanted to satisfy his curiosity — so I tried to summon what I could remember from when I was eight.
"......."
And in the same instant, my breath caught in my throat.
No.
I clenched my jaw. No. Not here. Not here, of all places.
I couldn't fall apart in front of someone about to start filming in five minutes. It was fine. I just had to breathe, slowly. Gathering every ounce of strength I had, I squeezed my fist shut. My whole body was trembling.
Fortunately — whether it lasted seconds or minutes, I couldn't say — an eternity's worth of time passed.
Whew.
Slowly, I opened my hand. As my gaze sank to the floor, I saw my palm, flushed red with the marks of my own fingernails.
Thank god.
Really — thank god. No one had noticed. My breathing was back to normal.
If that staff member hadn't happened to call Jung Hyun-hyung over — no, if Jinbae-hyung hadn't stepped away to buy lemonade — I would have been caught on the spot.
Serves me right, digging up the past like that.
How stupid could I get? I shook my head hard, roughly shaking off the memory that clung to me like a leech.
"Yeonjae, what's wrong all of a sudden? Are you okay?"
"Something got in my eye."
".......Yeah? You're okay now?"
I dodged his gentle hand as he offered to check, smiling.
What a shame.
He'd even said he was curious, and yet I had barely any good memories to offer him. It stung. Wanting to tell him something, I hesitated with my mouth half-open, then managed one line.
"Still, I don't think you could really say Haram takes after me. He seems very different."
"Hm? In what way?"
"That kid is way too gentle."
"...?"
Jung Hyun-hyung blinked in momentary bewilderment, then burst out laughing.
"What are you talking about? There's no kid alive gentler than you."
But it's true.
In my case, I simply couldn't be bothered to pay attention to my surroundings. Han Haram was different. The boy didn't just ignore the world around him — he was visibly crushed by it. That was what worried me. It was like watching someone being flattened beneath a building, in real time.
Living with someone like that, I suppose there's no helping it.
I looked at the woman gripping Han Haram's shoulders, whispering something into his ear. I couldn't make out the words exactly, but one look at the boy's face told me it was nothing kind.
It worries me.
And it tasted all the more bitter because I knew worrying was all I could do. It wasn't as if I'd be taking him home with me. What was I supposed to do about it?
With that thought, I deliberately tried to look away. He's a kid I'm only seeing today anyway. Just ignore it. I steeled myself.
But no matter how I looked at it, this wasn't right.
"Cut!!"
The shoot broke off on the PD's irritation-laced voice, and the vast set filled instantly with dead silence.
"Haah, I'm losing my mind here."
As the PD exhaled a deep, exasperated sigh, Han Haram's mother hurried over.
"I think our Haram is just terribly nervous, that's all."
"I get it, so back off for a bit."
"But he did perfectly well yesterday! If he just tries once more, I'm sure—"
"Ah, I said back off!"
The PD was genuinely fed up with the woman. Her face flashed with wounded pride for an instant, but she smoothed it over at once and began coaxing him sweetly — "Uncle, if you scare him like that, our Haram will get frightened" — which made it fairly clear that Han Haram was the PD's nephew.
"......."
In the middle of the seething, irate adults, Han Haram stood rooted to the spot, rigid as a statue. I could see Jung Hyun-hyung speaking to him with a warm smile, but the boy had frozen over completely — nothing seemed to be reaching his ears anymore.
This has become a problem.
Even to me, the PD's frustration was justified. Han Haram's acting had been truly, catastrophically bad. I hadn't gone in with any expectations, and it had still been borderline shocking.
There's no way they can use that take as-is.
And sure enough, the PD shouted, his face dark as a storm cloud, "Let's take ten and go again!" He stormed off as if heading out for a smoke, and the woman vanished after him.
And so the boy was left all alone.
"......."
What do I do?
A strong hesitation seized me. I had the feeling that even the slightest intervention here would drag me irreversibly into someone else's mess. It even felt like something I wouldn't be able to take back.
If I can't take responsibility, I shouldn't get involved.
It wasn't a hard principle to understand. Could I take responsibility for that kid?
No. Which meant I had to stay put.
That was exactly what I'd decided—
"Han Haram!"
Damn it.
Am I insane?
I regretted it the instant I called out. But there was no swallowing back a shout that had already escaped. And I couldn't just ignore the boy now staring at me with round, saucer-wide eyes.
I swallowed a sigh and waved.
"Come here."
"......."
Han Haram froze for a split second — then sprinted straight at me.
"Oof."
I barely caught the charging boy and lifted him up. I'd hoisted a charging An-gae like this a handful of times before, so my stance was, in its own way, solid. Holding the boy — who clung to me like a cicada — with one arm under him, I patted his back with the other and kept my expression perfectly calm.
But I broke out in a real sweat.
......He's heavy.
The kid was heavier than I'd expected.
Heavier — by a lot.