Tears That Wouldn't Stop

"Ugh, uhk...!"

My crying voice didn't sound good at all.

I knew it looked terrible too—the person who should have been first to handle the mistake just standing there with no sense of duty, tears streaming down her face. My head understood all of that even while I was crying, but the tears themselves refused to stop.

Being shoved hard enough to fall was a first for me. Having the person right in front of me so clearly furious because of something I had done was also a first. I kept crying because I looked so pathetic, unable even to bring the right supplies.

So Dahyeon scooped me up in one motion, carried me straight into the nearest room, and held me tight.

"Mmm."

She made a small, awkward sound—like she had no idea how to comfort me—and simply pulled me into her arms, stroking my hair and my back. She was making space for me. Spreading out the mat ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠so I could fall apart. So I did. I wailed.

I missed my house. My room. The games I had wanted to play, the next episodes of the webtoons and anime and dramas I had been waiting for, the new movies I had been looking forward to—and my parents, and my place at the company.

I was grieving the fact that I could do nothing, that my only choices were to sell my body and cling to affection just to stay alive, or die and hand my authority over to Soyeon and Dahyeon.

Everything I had been holding back came pouring out at once. It pricked my conscience, but that very guilt only made me burrow deeper ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠into Dahyeon's arms. I practically buried my face between her breasts and cried in muffled, broken sobs.

It was a pathetic sight—but as you can see, I am a girl now. There was no one here who would look at me and see a man weeping pitifully in a woman's arms. At least not in this place.

So I emptied every last drop that had been welling up behind my eyes. After a long while, I couldn't even remember why I had started crying. I just stared up at Dahyeon's face, swallowing hiccuping little gasps.

"...For now, how about we rest a bit? Want me to take you to your room?"

That was Dahyeon's question. Even though it felt like I had been crying for more than ten minutes, it was the first full sentence I had heard from her the whole time. I felt sorry for the person who had waited so patiently while I soaked her chest with tears.

"Hic—So, hic, Soyeon. I, I have to go see, hic...!"

"Soyeon? Why?"

"I have to make, make up, hic...!"

"...Ah. That."

Dahyeon seemed to know that the relationship between the two of us was no longer what it used to be, and that I had been avoiding it. She looked at me for a moment, then carefully wiped my cheek with her thumb where the tears had blurred the line of my skin, and spoke.

"I don't know what happened... but does it have to be today? Right now?"

"N-no...! Hic...!"

"Then I'll tell her for you. You can go talk to her yourself later—I'll just pass along the meaning. If you go over there right ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠now still bawling like this, she might get angry all over again."

She closed her eyes for a second.

"Mm. When she got mad... was it because of something you did?"

"I-I don't know. She, hic! Just suddenly got, got mad...!"

"......Then maybe she was angry because of the way you've been treated. Right?"

That was fair. More precisely, it seemed like she was furious about me letting people use my body so freely, or about how high my threshold for sexual harassment had become... but in the end, it was all cut from the same cloth.

"Go rest for today. No—wait. Come rest in my room."

"Unngh...!"

I started to shake my head, then suddenly froze and stared at Dahyeon with wide eyes.

What had I just done? Whining? Acting spoiled?

Goosebumps prickled over my skin. The fact that I was still me, and yet the things I was doing were not like me at all—that was what did it.

I had lived as a man. In my original world, no matter how drunk I got, no matter how sad or depressed I felt, I had never once behaved like this.

It felt like something enormous was hanging over my head. A thought I had been forcibly turning away from, yet one that never disappeared—only kept multiplying like a cancer in a corner of my mind.

Every time I heard that absurd talk about "getting used to cocks," every time I was sexually harassed, that cancerous mass metastasized at terrifying speed. It was a question about this entire impossible situation.

Sometimes—really only sometimes—I wondered if I had never actually existed. If I was a personality only a few days old, manufactured simply to replace the wiped brain of the person named Han Yeoreum—

I was terrified that this was nothing more than a defense mechanism: that in a crisis where no memories remained, I had decided I must be a man from another world, so of course I wouldn't know anything.

So maybe what had just slipped out was the original Han Yeoreum, the one who used to throw tantrums, rising from some deep forgotten place.

And even if that wasn't true—even if I really was myself—I was someone who could not produce a single piece of proof that I was me. Someday I would grow so used to this brain that I would become nothing but a stew of hormones, truly become Han Yeoreum, and eventually forget that a person named me had ever existed at all. I would die like that, and then nothing of me would remain in the universe—not even a corpse. I would become a half-dead ghost who couldn't even know what waited after death...

...

...

My breathing was growing ragged when Dahyeon shifted. It might have just been an uncomfortable position, or it might have been a silent prompt for an answer.

My head felt a little clearer. Like I had merely moved from a shit-bucket into a piss-bucket, but still—some kind of freshness, right?

"......I-I'm not being, being bullied. It's not bullying. Hic! I'm fine..."

"...Really? No, I'm not trying to push. If you're okay with it, then it's fine. Mmm."

Dahyeon seemed uneasy about leaving victim and perpetrator in the same space. I was grateful for that, and at the same time my returning sanity was starting to make me feel ashamed.

"I-I'm fine! S-sorry for, for resting. I-I'll just rest a little and then, then—"

"What are you talking about. Just rest properly. Nobody's going to say anything. We'll start cleaning tomorrow. Okay?"

She cut me off and spoke in a soft tone that made my heart go all melty just from listening. I didn't have the courage to echo the "okay," so I only nodded.

She gave me one last firm hug, stood up, straightened my clothes a little, and patted my back.

"..."

I opened my PDA and stared at the screen. I was carefully reading through the ship's manual.

I figured I should study somehow. Even though none of it was sinking in, and it was full of basic knowledge the people who actually boarded this ship would never need.

I just read. I felt like if I didn't do something, my thoughts would start drifting somewhere ugly.

The sentences wouldn't go in at all unless I said them out loud, so I muttered my way through the text.

I didn't particularly feel like reading any dramas or novels either.

The door burst open.

"..."

"Ah—h-hello...!"

It was Hyejin.

I hurriedly sat up on the bed and greeted her.

"...Yeah. Whatever."

Choi Hyejin's face looked a little swollen. She answered roughly. Back when I first arrived, she had been the type to tease a little—more like Minseo, but without the heavy skinship.

Ever since we went outside and got hurt, things between us had definitely grown awkward.

She efficiently pulled a towel, some clothes, and a few tools I didn't recognize from her drawer.

"Where are the others?"

"Ah, um. I-I don't know..."

"When they get back, tell them I'll be late again today. Around two, probably. Day and night are flipped for me."

"Y-yes...!"

I nodded too hard, and Hyejin looked at me with mild disapproval. Come to think of it, I had forgotten—Jiwoo wasn't around either. That was strange. Shouldn't she still be resting?

"...What are you doing?"

She paused on her way out and asked.

When I said I was studying, she let out a short, incredulous "Ha," then left without another word.

What else could I do? This was the treatment I had to get used to. Before all the tangled thoughts could start creeping back in, I buried my face in the terminal again.

From just outside the door, voices drifted in.

"—Oh, what? Where were you?"

"Went to see Soyeon. Why?"

"Looks like you'll be late again today. Just so you know."

"Ahaha. Really? Then I should take a two-hour shower before bed tonight."

"Crazy bitch. I'm shutting off the hot water."

It sounded like they had run into each other right outside. The sentences that already refused to stick in my brain became even harder to absorb.

"Ah. Yeoreum! What are you doing!"

A high, bright voice. Minseo.

"...Ah, I-I'm st-studying."

Just looking at her face made me feel tired on reflex, like all sorts of things were ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠about to happen to me again.

"Heh-heh! I heard you got chewed out. Why'd she do that?"

"...! H-how did you—"

"Come on, that kind of stuff just goes around. Always does."

Minseo strode closer. With the mood I was in, I couldn't handle anything like that, so I pulled the blanket over myself and leaned defensively against the wall at the end of the bed.

"I heard you cried your eyes out. Heh-heh! So cute. When are you gonna get used to cocks? You have to tell me the second you do, okay? I'll just—ah. Just. Completely."

"......"

"...Heh-heh. Anyway. What are you studying?"

When I didn't answer, Minseo conspicuously changed the subject. It had already been an exhausting day mentally. On top of that, she had basically just said "I want to have sex with you"—my head went blank and my mouth wouldn't open.

"Just... r-reading."

"Reading what. Let me see?"

She snatched the terminal without any consideration, and my heart sank a little for no good reason.

Of course, that was just how Minseo was, and maybe it was her way of showing closeness... but feeling it was still feeling it.

"...What. You understand all this?"

"......"

"Well, you always were smart."

"...I-I don't know. I'm just r-reading it."

"...?"

Minseo lost interest in an instant and handed the terminal back.

I answered honestly, just in case she might misunderstand my intelligence and start making plans that would end badly.

She was the type who rarely took anything seriously (though she had listened pretty earnestly last night), but she was also one of the important people in the colony. If I ever started clinging to some vague idea that I might become useful someday, I would only mess things up the way I had today.

"...Mmm. That so? Well. Fighting, then."

Minseo edged a little closer.

"...Eut."

"So, how was today?"

"......"

I knew exactly what she was asking about. She was probably asking about what had happened with Jiwoo.

It came back to me all at once. At the time I had been too dazed and mid-orgasm to properly register it, but the sensation of that hot liquid—so different from water, clinging to my skin—that had been sprayed across my back...

"...Ugh."

"Oing. That bad? Heh-heh!"

She came even closer, apparently not understanding what it meant that I was covering myself with the blanket, and slipped right under it.

Then, as naturally as someone stretching after waking up, she spread both hands—up and down.

She kneaded my breasts, and kept bringing her hand to my, my pussy, her fingers moving like she was playing with a soft stress toy.

"Eut—w-wait. Today I, I don't want to."

Not being in the mood was a big part of it.

With no alcohol in my system and the earlier events still fresh, I simply couldn't bring myself to play along, so I said so.

"Heh-heh. Why? Because you're depressed? Because of the scolding you got today?"

"..."

"Because you cried? Hmm? Tell me."

Minseo kept pushing for an answer I really didn't want to give. Well. What choice did I have.

Even just to get her off me, I needed to make my feelings clear—no, of course I still had to work at being useful, but even so, there were times I simply didn't want to...

"...Yes... T-today I just, want to r-rest a little."

"Mmm."

Maybe because I had spoken in a fairly serious tone. Or maybe because my voice sounded similar to last night when we talked. Minseo hesitated for a moment.

"Then. Want me to kiss you?"

She asked.

The thought that Minseo should have been the one to lose her memories—a pretty rude thought that might have earned me a slap if I said it out loud—crossed my mind.

"..."

"Hmm? Bleh."

"N-no, I d-don't—"

...Just a kiss was fine, actually. Sharing saliva with a beautiful woman without that thing touching me or even being visible—having a nice-smelling face so close.

Even so, I tried to stay as rational as possible. How ridiculous would it look? Saying I didn't want to because I was depressed, then happily kissing her. So I was about to refuse when—

A soft peck. Her face closed the distance in an instant, brushed my lips gently, and pulled away again—

"Heh-heh! What. I'll comfort you. Just a kiss is fine, right?"

That was when I felt the last thread of reason snap. The impulsive thought that it didn't matter anymore flooded in.

So I threw myself forward.

My mind floated up, light and hazy. Compared to reading those mismatched lines of text, this made my head go blank in a completely different way.

All those tangled thoughts simply vanished.

I indulged in the pleasure. Without thinking, I put my hands on Minseo's chest under her warm breath.

Because—Minseo had been touching me this whole time.

That was the only reason.