Getting Used to It, Day One
The growling sound wasn't so much proof of hunger as simply the noise of food or contents moving through the organs.
So I wasn't hungry. If I just lay in bed with the blanket pulled all the way over my head, I felt like everything would be fine.
Why did the day keep twisting itself into knots? Of course I could understand people's attitudes. Being bullied was only natural. Most people in the world were generous when it came to tormenting a perpetrator. When casting for a battle royale, or a gore piece, or even just some human test subject in a story, everyone thought of death-row inmates and violent criminals first. Harassing someone whose crimes were clear never really counted as a problem.
In that sense, the bullying itself wasn't the issue…
So why did I feel like this? The thought crossed my mind that maybe my period was about to start, and I wondered who I should go to later — Soyeon, no, Minseo? Jiwoo? Who was I supposed to ask for help?
Soyeon's furious face was still vivid behind my eyes. The looks most of the people — the few women among them — had sent my way. The sharp questions from the security team, as if they'd found themselves an amusing new toy.
"…Ugh…"
My nose was starting to fill for some reason, so I swallowed it down with a thick sound and wriggled deeper into the blanket, sealing every last gap so no outside air could slip in.
Soyeon. How was I supposed to look at her? No — why had she gotten that angry in the first place?
Should I go find her right now and take my clothes off? I'd said I would, after all. Maybe that would cool her down a little. Or maybe it would only make her angrier…
The thoughts kept sinking deeper. Had giving Minseo and Jiwoo those gathered rewards really been such a problem? And what had that confession even been? A way of telling me to snap out of it?
My body was cold. I pulled my knees up to my chest until the space under the blanket shrank by half — and then footsteps sounded outside the door.
They grew louder, stopped in front of the door, and then came a metallic click and a creak as it opened. Corridor light spilled into the room, making the blanket gleam the way a water's surface does when you look up from underneath—
"Ah, I want a cigarette. I can still smoke one before I die, right?"
"Cigarettes… yeah, same. I definitely quit, so why am I thinking about them?"
"It's this place, that's why. Anyway, where's Yeoreum?"
"Earlier she said she was out for a walk… wait. She's in bed."
I flinched. My whole body trembled. It wasn't that I'd been hiding, exactly — I just didn't want anyone's attention right now.
"What! You were here the whole time! Our little administrator?"
Jiwoo's last line was followed by Minseo's bright, delighted voice. Then Minseo climbed onto the bed with a heavy thump and started trying to yank the blanket off—
"Huh. What kind of game is this? Unnie. Where were you? We looked everywhere and couldn't find you, so we just ate by ourselves."
"Ah, th-that's…"
"Are you naked under there or something?"
Minseo kept hauling on the blanket. She almost seemed more hopeful that I was naked than anything else…
Either way, the difference in grip strength was obvious. The blanket I was clutching slid away without resistance, and the bright light hit my eyes directly.
"What. You're dressed. Damn… wait?"
"What?"
Jiwoo reacted to Minseo's vague sound. She was coming over in just a bra, still changing her top.
"…Did something happen? Why does your face look like that. Up you go."
As if the blanket-yanking had only been a joke, Minseo scooped me up so easily I couldn't even resist and pulled me straight into her arms. A soft warmth settled against my back, and then a hand slipped naturally under my shirt — cold enough that—
"Hnh…!"
"What is it. Oh — is this because Soyeon got mad earlier?"
"R-right. Why did she do that…?"
Jiwoo, who'd been about to put her shirt on and then pulled her head back out again, was voicing a curiosity she'd forgotten — and through all of it I just stayed still. I didn't want to explain anything in detail. I just wanted them to use me however they needed short of actual penetration and then disappear somewhere.
Wasn't that the kind of relationship we had? Unlike Soyeon or Dahyeon, who actually looked after me, these two only acted close because they liked my body.
I even doubted whether they'd really looked for me before eating.
A soft chime sounded from a terminal. It was mine — and for a moment the name Soyeon floated on the screen before—
"Oh. Message from Soyeon. She's asking why you didn't come eat?"
Minseo picked up my terminal, checked it, casually turned the screen off, and set it on the bed.
At the same time she was fondling my chest, kneading my stomach, then for some reason pressing firmly on my navel…
And then something hard pressed against my ass and the small of my back.
I was already sick of it.
"I-ick…!"
I sat up. Jiwoo was standing right in front of me, and I almost shoved her — but then I saw the silhouette of the cast she still hadn't taken off, so I carefully took her uninjured arm and nudged her a little to the side.
The path to the door opened. I went out, opened the bathroom door, and hid inside.
Fortunately neither of them followed. As I left the room I did hear Jiwoo scolding, "Stop touching her already. You're making her run away."
But it wasn't only because of that. Well — that was part of it, but.
"…"
No. What was there even to think about?
I just needed to hide in the bathroom, stay quiet, wait until they fell asleep, then sneak back in and go to sleep myself. Maybe tonight, because of my mood, they wouldn't wait and would just go to bed first.
But contrary to my hopes, the two of them had kept the lights on and waited for me to come back. They greeted me warmly and held out a water glass they'd set on the table.
Feeling like a child who'd broken curfew, I approached carefully and sat across from them at the table.
"…Cough."
I took a light sniff. It was that liquor again. The scent was a little different this time.
"And this…"
Because my body got drunk fast, I was just slowly smelling the aroma when Jiwoo rustled something out of her pocket and pushed an envelope toward me.
"…!"
Chocolate. Something you almost never saw here. With food running low, it was the kind of thing that only went out once every day and a half or every two days — one meal's worth. The thinking was that if you were going to consider people's mental health, better to send out something that at least tasted good when the quantity was short.
I had no idea how she'd gotten it. Maybe she'd skimmed one or two without turning them in that day.
Jiwoo set the thing in front of me with open pride. Then Minseo reached over, tore the bag open, broke off a piece, and held it out to me.
"Ah."
"I-I, I can eat it myse—"
"Ah."
…I had no choice. I leaned forward a little and let her push it into my mouth. I remembered too well how incredible it tasted to refuse.
For a moment the thing in my mouth had no flavor at all — then the surface melted under spit and body heat, and a tingling sweetness flooded my whole mouth.
I couldn't understand why people outside chewed this stuff so noisily they never even tasted it. Never even thinking to savor something this good.
"…"
"I'm not the one giving it to you… Soyeon-nim asked me to pass it along…"
Ah. So that was it. A peace offering, maybe.
"Kind of a make-up gift, right? Mm. But what actually happened? The rumors are just… wild. And Soyeon isn't saying anything either."
"Eut…"
"Can I have a little?"
Minseo broke off another square of chocolate, snapped that half again, dropped a piece onto Jiwoo's hand, and tossed her own straight into her mouth. Her expression loosened considerably.
For a situation where I'd been trying to sneak back into the room late at night, it was a strangely comfortable seat. Later I heard that alcohol had calories too and would be rationed in a worst-case scenario, so I only wet my tongue with the liquor.
I didn't like the smell of alcohol… but the flavor that came after dulled the senses that had gone razor-sharp from hours locked in the bathroom.
"Sooo…"
"Whatever. If you don't want to talk, fine. You didn't get hit, did you?"
"I-it wasn't… that…"
"Then we're good. Ah."
Before I knew it Minseo had broken off more chocolate and reached out again. This time I took it into my mouth with less resistance than before. The deliberate way she pushed her fingers in was still uncomfortable, but.
Even so, the two of them waited a long time — until I'd finished the whole chocolate. Halfway through they couldn't hold out and took another piece to share between them.
And so, for Minseo who unlike me had to go back to work tomorrow, it was already fairly late when they finally opened their mouths.
"So. What is it?"
"Eut, i-it's nothing ma—"
"No, not that. The whole day of hiding. Why."
"…"
And there it was. The cringeworthy heart-to-heart time that only ever showed up in teen movies about resolving conflict.
I was an avoidant person. For me, a fight with someone meant cutting that person off completely. Making up was mortifying; I couldn't sit still. Back in elementary school, the teacher's mediation — having to stroke each other's arms and apologize — had been the worst punishment of all.
So the first thing I felt was revulsion. And on top of that, I didn't even know the reason myself.
Was it the security team harassing me? Or Soyeon slamming the desk in a rage? Or was it the situation I was in now, and the sexual harassment that never stopped?
"…Sooo…"
"Yeah."
"Yes."
I had no idea what to say. So I just let the habitual filler slip out, and two different answers came back.
"……"
"…"
"…"
"Ugh. This is so frustrating. What. What happened. Why. What."
"…"
I didn't want to be a frustrating person either. And it was secretly irritating when someone asked if you were okay after you'd been hurt and you just clamped your mouth shut and stared at the floor.
Even so, my mouth wouldn't open. I didn't know where to start.
"It's…"
"Yeah."
"Yes."
"…I, um… I've, th-thought about it, and…"
So I explained everything I was feeling, in no particular order.
Things I never would have said if Minseo had been groping me like usual, or if Jiwoo had called me to the shower late at night. Things I might not have said even if I hadn't run into the security team today — which meant that from their perspective, they were lucky enough to hear them. Whether it was the alcohol or the sugar scrambling my head, I couldn't tell.
I poured it all out.
Aside from the occasional little sounds that proved they were still listening, it was a drinking session where only I talked. I didn't think I'd spoken this long since waking up in this place.
After listening for a long time, Jiwoo finally offered something obvious and predictable.
Every human being is precious, and even if there's nothing you can do right now — don't lose heart, keep trying, and you can become anything…
A textbook answer.
Which was fair enough. Honestly, I would have said something similar myself.
What else was there to say?
I'm sorry I don't know how to do anything—
And when I thought about it, it wasn't as if I had no means of repaying them at all. But the moment I tried to "repay" them that way, the fear and revulsion that came from the other gender closed in. The twisted idea of using my body made human relationships terrifying… and yet sitting still pricked my conscience, and the more I tried the more I became a burden.
Who could give a clear answer to that?
Even if a skilled, famous psychologist showed up, my problem was closer to something that simply couldn't be solved. Far more complicated and detailed than workplace satisfaction or interpersonal friction.
Just organizing it in my own head was enough to make me sigh.
I divided the last of the chocolate into three pieces, handed two over, and put one in my mouth. Minseo, who'd been propping her chin on her hand through the whole story, muttered,
"…This is frustrating."
"…I-it, it is… right…? Of course…? Heh, heh…"
"Hm? No, not like that."
Keeping her chin on her hand made her head wobble uncomfortably, so Minseo sat up properly, popped the chocolate into her mouth, and said,
"So basically, put simply — you're scared of dicks, right?"
"What. No. Hey. Even at a time like this you—"
She tossed it out casually. Jiwoo tried to stop her for a second, but Minseo shook off her hand and kept going.
"No. Think about it. Honestly — 'I lost my memories so I'm useless'… fine. There's nothing we can do about that, right? Same with the security team. Unless someday a method shows up the way we go out and come back."
I'd told everyone my real feelings. So of course I'd also talked about the situation I feared most.
"…If it's not dying, then this side is a pass no matter what we do. Heh. Right?"
Minseo was being a little careful with her words.
"…R-ri, ght…"
Was it? The explanation sounded plausible enough, but the conclusion felt weird…?
Then again, when I remembered that Minseo was someone sexually open enough to think freely, it also sounded right. In a counseling session with no real correct answer, just hearing someone answer with that much certainty was somehow reassuring.
Like the feeling a person struggling with sobriety gets when they hear about the benefits of quitting drinking.
Whether her throat was dry or watching me sip alone had stirred her appetite, Minseo snatched the cup and took a swallow of liquor.
"Then the 'repayment'… wait, what even is repayment. The word's weird, but anyway."
"…"
"The part that actually scares you and makes you pull away — isn't that something we can work on? The rest is a different problem."
"Th-at, um…"
"What, why would resting make you feel guilty? Honestly you're not even resting. Every day I see you walking around with cleaning tools."
Minseo's tone of genuine incomprehension also carried the vague irritation unique to office workers who had to go back to work tomorrow.
"C-cleaning, e-everyone knows how to, d-do that… and i-it's not even really n-needed…"
"Excuse me? Cleaning? No! It helps a ton…?"
"That's not it. Heh! Still, the effort's admirable. It's not like we hate you. We just hate the amnesiac safety manager Han Yeoreum."
"…Isn't that… the same thing…"
I fidgeted with my hands for no reason. The chocolate that had gone into my mouth had dissolved without me chewing, leaving only the bitter aftertaste of cacao.
"It's different. Anyway. Heh. Want more to drink?"
"N-nooo…"
"Mm."
Gulp. She took another mouthful of liquor, passed it to Jiwoo, watched Jiwoo empty the bottle, then made a thoughtful little sound and finally spoke.
"Well, from where I'm sitting it's just depression. You're depressed, so you go on about being a burden and a failure."
"…I kind of have to admit that. Th-that, no, not that. The depression symptoms…"
Jiwoo agreed with Minseo too.
So was that it? Did I have to fight depression on top of everything else? But in a situation like this, who wouldn't have at least mild depressive symptoms — and how were you supposed to treat modern humanity's chronic disease in a place this poorly equipped…
Just as I was thinking we were running parallel lines again,
"So. Want to try something?"
Minseo's question came. That sly little grin of hers was somehow annoying.
"…W-what kind of thing…? Ah, an apology or…"
"Mm. Getting used to dicks? Honestly, nothing feels better than this. Heh!"
And the answer that came back made my face crumple all over again.
"Right? Honestly, admit it? Let's admit what we can admit and move on."
"…It, it is, t-true, b-but…"
In the end, Minseo spent the whole night persuading me with every example of "tastes or hobbies that start out bad or boring or uninteresting or that don't suit you, and then you end up enjoying them."
And more than anything, the practice material wasn't Minseo — it was Jiwoo.
I wasn't sure if it was right to put it this way, but part of it was that the resentment I'd felt toward Minseo had faded. It didn't sound like another excuse she'd cooked up just to use me for lust… it sounded like a solution she'd come up with because she was thinking of me.
Or maybe her sincerity was just getting buried under the lust.
It was a strange, twisted, bizarre thing, and no matter how I looked at it it seemed to fall outside the range of ordinary people—
But. Getting used to that. Day one. Begin.
"Not 'that.' Dick. Can you say it? Dick. Or can you not pronounce it?"
…
"…Di, di, ck…"
…Getting used to it. Day one. For real this time.