The Fairest Girl in Sichuan and the Scoundrel

There has always been a saying: do not so much as look at a tree you cannot climb. There is another, too—that the brave man is the one who wins the beauty. The two mean opposite things, and yet I have always thought this. Only a brave man who has actually won a beauty has any right to speak the first line at all.

"So, you see, Jin Gaga! I..."

"Yes, yes. Of course."

Whatever had her so delighted, Tang Soye chattered on beside me as if the world itself were amusing. I, who had yet to swallow this reality whole, could manage nothing better than answers rattled off like a man reading from a script.

"Hmm... Jin Gaga, is my story boring you?"

"Not 'yes, yes.' It's interesting."

"..."

"...I'm sorry. My head's a mess. I couldn't focus."

"Haah... If you're going to be like that, I won't forgi—pfft!"

She had been going on in a voice gone cold, as if truly furious, when she suddenly burst out laughing. Tang Soye laughed and laughed where she stood, then wiped at her eyes and spoke again.

"S-sorry—pfft! I'm sorry. You looked so utterly dejected, Jin Gaga, I just—pfft!"

"...?"

"I'm not angry, so—pfft! You don't have to sit there looking so awkward."

"Ah... right."

The smile never left her face, as if she had found something endlessly funny. My own heart, by contrast, was in such a tangle I hardly knew what to do with it. I knew she was a woman who did not suit me, and still, every time I saw that smile, my heart pounded until it became a problem.

"Hmm... Everyone else loves it when I laugh like this, but your face says otherwise, Gaga."

"That's..."

Before I could answer, Tang Soye cut me off.

"At first I wondered if you simply weren't interested in me. But that can't be it. When we ran into each other during the day, you clearly liked me."

"..."

"So it isn't that you have no interest in me. It's that you have no interest in the person called Tang Soye. Isn't that right?"

She said it softly, evenly, and the words struck dead center. Cold sweat broke over me before I knew it. If I thought about it, all I had to do was thicken my face and bluff my way through—and I couldn't. I had no wish to tell her one more lie to her face, so I decided to give her the truth as it stood.

"Haah. I don't think I can lie to you, Miss. Yes. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠You're right. The person called Tang Soye is not particularly welcome to me."

"...Why?"

Guilt pricked me when the smile that never left her face went stiff, but I went on, steady.

"I believe a person ought to be with someone who matches them."

"..."

"Do you know the word for feeling unworthy of one's place?"

"Unworthy of one's place...?"

"A feeling one might also call an inferiority complex. You've heard the rumors about me, I imagine."

"I've heard them. I tend to let such things go, though, unless I've seen and heard them myself."

"What you think doesn't matter. What matters is that the rumors exist."

"..."

She gave me no further answer. Sick of me, no doubt. That was fine. This was the right thing to do. To cut away even the last of my lingering attachment, I pressed on.

"Scoundrel. The family's shame. A hound born of a tiger. Those are the names they use for me. Even if you don't see me that way, the world does."

"I don't want to become a burden on the woman I love. And you, Miss, carry the names Number One Beauty of Sichuan and Poison Phoenix besides."

"I am not a man who suits you. As for the engagement, I'll speak to my father myself. Please go back."

For a long while Tang Soye did not answer. She only sat quietly, gazing down at the tea she had been drinking. After all that silence, her mouth opened.

"I understand what you mean, Gaga."

So this is the end.

I could hear the end of this relationship in her words. It would be a lie to say there was no regret in me. But this was the right thing.

"But I still can't understand what you mean."

"...Pardon?"

The vacant sound had barely left me when Tang Soye sprang to her feet. She held out her hand.

"Will you indulge me for a little while?"

"What is this...? Did you not hear what I just said? I..."

"Shh! Just now you explained why the two of us can't be. So this time I'll explain why we can."

"..."

"You'll indulge me, won't you?"

They were words I ought to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠have refused, and still my mouth would not open. Her reasoning has a point, after all. Repeating that bit of self-justification to myself, I simply followed her wherever she meant to lead.

The place Tang Soye led me was a stretch of forest not far from the village where we lived. The path was a succession of fairly steep climbs, but Tang Soye, needless to say, took it without effort, and I was a martial artist with at least a minimum of skill, so we passed it without much strain. She had been walking the road in silence when she finally spoke.

"Jin Gaga, you explained why the two of us can't be together, didn't you?"

"Yes..."

"But the reason you can't accept me has everything to do with what's around us. You never once said, outright, that you dislike me."

"That's..."

"Shh. It's my turn to explain, so just listen for a moment, Gaga."

"..."

I had no answer to that. Seeing as much, Soye went on, her eyes smiling.

"Like I said before, you dislike the person called Tang Soye. You seem to like me myself well enough."

We must have been nearly there; her steps slowed. She eased her pace, turned back to where I followed, and smiled.

"Honestly, I don't really understand all this about feeling unworthy, or inferiority."

"Maybe that's because I'm young. Or maybe, as you say, it's because I'm exceptional."

"..."

When we passed the tree at her back, the whole of the city opened out before us. A month had passed since the transmigration, and still this was the first time I had looked down on the city in its entirety.

"It's beautiful, isn't it...?"

"..."

I nodded without a word, and Tang Soye continued.

"Have you seen a view like this recently?"

I shook my head.

"See? A little walking, and here it is—the whole city in a single glance—and you've been too busy to come even once."

"Yes..."

"The world is already this busy. Do we really have to worry about other people's eyes on top of it?"

"..."

"We'll be busy enough just loving each other. Why go out of our way for something like that?"

I didn't need to hear any more. She could dress it up however she liked; in the end it was the groundless sophistry of a naive girl. The sort of answer only a young woman who had never yet met reality could give, with nothing left in it but an ideal. I was about to turn my head on that thought when Tang Soye's mouth opened again.

"If it's what you want, Gaga, I'd be perfectly content to throw away every honor and every station and live hidden away in the forest."

"That's—!"

"Shh. It's still my turn."

I was dying to speak, but at her words the protest sank back down my throat.

"So throw away everyone else's eyes, and all their prejudices, and tell me only what you truly feel when you look at me yourself."

"I... I..."

"I like you, Gaga."

"Why..."

"Don't ask me why. That's for you to find out yourself."

"..."

"So tell me. What do you think of me?"

My mind locked. What was I supposed to say? Should I brush it off as a child's whim? Unlike me, thrown into confusion, she only watched me with that captivating eye-smile that had bewitched me more than once, until even that began to look vexing. The resolve I had mustered—to speak the reality of it and refuse her—did nothing but crumble under that smile.

If... if there were no eyes on us... would it be all right for me to be a little selfish?

Somewhere along the way, hesitation had turned into rationalization, and it was urging an answer out of me.

"I... I think... I like you."

The truth had slipped out of me before I knew it, and Tang Soye did not answer it. She only looked at me with that charming eye-smile, the very thing that might as well have been her trademark.

"That's enough, isn't it?"

And the moment Soye offered those last words, a single memory flashed through my mind.

"Come on. Let's head back."

"Yeah."

At some point Tang Soye had drawn up beside me and offered her hand. When a long moment passed and I still didn't move, she shook it at me.

"My arm's starting to hurt. Hurry up and take it."

"Ah... yeah."

Without a shred of resistance, I took her ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠hand exactly as she asked. Whether it was because this was the first time I had ever held a woman's hand, or because the hand was Tang Soye's, I couldn't have said—only that my heart was pounding as I did.

Hand in hand, we came down the mountain. It was the road back to the family, and with ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠our hands clasped, a road so full of nervous joy that my heart beat of its own accord.