A Married Woman's Advice and Kim Han-na
The woman sitting across from me gazed at me with an expression far more mature than her youthful appearance suggested. She really does feel like an older sister.
"First of all… I can see just how much of an idiot that girl you’re in love with really is."
Her voice was calm, almost gentle, yet it carried the weight of someone who had lived longer than her face let on.
"The biggest mistake was hurting both the other person and yourself. That part is undeniable."
"…"
"But I won’t dwell on that any further. You already know it better than anyone."
Shin Ye-na gently pushed aside the plates that had been sitting between us. Then she reached out and took my trembling hands in both of hers, holding them firmly.
"The two of you are so close that just growing apart caused each other immense pain. And yet you got scared, ran away without even trying to ask for forgiveness?"
"…You’re saying that because you don’t know anything about us."
It was the kind of naïve remark only someone completely ignorant of our situation could make. Inside the warm grip enveloping my hand, I clenched my fist tightly.
If I wanted to beg for forgiveness, I would have to tell her the truth—that I had used her. But that truth was something that innocent girl could never bear.
Even though she had been blackmailed with the humiliating fact that she had climaxed from her friends’ light teasing… she still wanted to remain friends with the people closest to her. So under the pretense of The Test, she had been forced to expose her naked body and let them touch her most private places. The truth was that the so-called “test” had been a complete and utter lie from the very beginning.
All the skinship we had shared—things she had told herself she shouldn’t feel because they were both girls and friends—had actually been intensely erotic touches that would have been strange not to feel. The outdoor exposures and the way we had treated her like a bitch, all supposedly to test her perversion, had only ever been tools to train her.
If I revealed those dark truths and inflicted an irreparable wound on Lee Seon-ah, what meaning would any apology have afterward? If begging for forgiveness was only to make me feel better, if it meant hurting her again, making her even sadder and more miserable than she already was… then it would be better if I simply disappeared quietly.
"Right now… Han-na, what you’re saying sounds like you ran away for her sake."
"…That’s right. What’s wrong with that?"
"Hmm…"
Shin Ye-na tapped the back of my hand with her fingertips as she fell into thought. After a moment, she asked me another question.
"I don’t know what you mean by ‘using’ her, and it doesn’t seem like you’ll tell me… but answer me this one thing. While you were using Seon-ah… did she ever say she hated it?"
"…I don’t know about the others, but at least I never did. There were even times when she came to me on her own and begged for it."
At some point I had stopped talking about a fictional character and started referring to myself and Lee Seon-ah directly, but neither Shin Ye-na nor I paid it any mind. After all, the whole story was nothing more than an excuse to give her a rough idea of the situation.
"So what you’re saying is that Seon-ah never actually disliked being ‘used,’ and she even approached you willingly to let you use her?"
"It might look that way on the surface… but who knows what she was really thinking…"
"You’re right. No one can truly know what’s in that child’s heart."
Shin Ye-na spoke as if it were possible that Lee Seon-ah had known the truth and still allowed us to use her. When I tried to argue, she immediately agreed with me instead. What exactly was she trying to say…?
"And yet you ran away after making assumptions about her feelings all by yourself."
"…"
It felt like a heavy lump of lead had dropped straight onto my skull. I froze with my lip still caught between my teeth. Shin Ye-na’s words continued without mercy.
"If the truth truly cannot be revealed for Seon-ah’s sake, and everyone can only be happy by keeping it hidden behind a lie…"
"Then at the very least, while you’re hiding it, shouldn’t you stay by her side and do everything you can to make her happy?"
"Right now you’re not telling her the truth. You’re just making everyone suffer. Is this really the path that’s best for Seon-ah?"
Every time I listened to Shin Ye-na speak, it felt like another layer surrounding me was being peeled away. I felt as if I were sitting completely naked in front of her.
No matter how much I thought about it, no matter how many times I turned her words over in my mind… there wasn’t a single thing she had said that was wrong.
I had been so terrified of facing the guilt I had been avoiding that I never even tried to understand Lee Seon-ah’s feelings. I had arbitrarily decided what she must be thinking, judged her, justified it all by telling myself it was for her sake, and once again ran away from my own sins.
I hadn’t even considered the pain her heart would suffer because of my sudden severance.
"…You’re right. From the beginning to the end… I was only ever thinking about myself."
A hot surge rose from deep inside my chest. I lowered my head, body trembling slightly, when Shin Ye-na moved to the seat beside me and gently wrapped her arm around my shoulders.
"…Very few people have the courage to stop running from their mistakes and face them properly."
I stayed silent, listening to her words while feeling the gentle pats on my shoulder.
"But right now, the person who possesses exactly that kind of courage is the one Seon-ah needs more than anyone else. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?"
"…Yes."
"Good. That’s a good girl."
Enveloped in her warm embrace that carried the faint scent of milk, I desperately held back the urge to burst into loud sobs. Like a truly good child, I gave a small, obedient nod.
"From here on, think about Seon-ah calmly on your own and make your decision. If you ever feel like you’ve reached a dead end, this big sister is always willing to listen."
She ran her fingers through my messy short hair like a comb, smiling softly with a quiet laugh. Even though we were rivals who both loved Lee Seon-ah, in this moment I had no choice but to admit complete and utter defeat.
If she had figured out from our conversation that I was in love with Seon-ah and roughly understood our circumstances, she could have cursed me, pushed me further into the abyss, and actively tried to take my place beside her. Especially since she was a married woman who had fallen for a girl young enough to be her daughter—the weight of that love must be unimaginably heavy. If it were to come true, she would probably be willing to do anything.
But Shin Ye-na hadn’t done that. She had only thought about what would make the girl she loved happier. She really was a foolishly, impossibly kind person.
"…Um, could you give me your number?"
"Hm…?"
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and held it out to her.
"W-we have to stay in touch. If I need… advice."
"Ahaha. Of course. Silly me. Let’s see…"
She laughed brightly and tapped her number into my phone, then handed it back. I accepted it, hesitated for a moment over what to save her as, and finally typed in Shin Ye-na Noona before saving.
Staring at the name on the screen, I felt the corners of my mouth trying to lift on their own. I quickly covered my lips with my hand so she wouldn’t see my stupid grin.
"By the way, you’re not tired right now, are you, Han-na?"
"Huh? Ah, no…"
"Then shall we hang out a little before heading home? How about it?"
Since I had nothing to do until I got home anyway, spending some time with this kind noona to celebrate our new friendship and lift my mood didn’t sound bad at all. …Though it was pretty obvious she was doing this specifically to cheer me up.
"…Yeah. I’d like that."
I nodded shyly, cheeks turning a little pink.
"Great! Then today this big sister is treating, so let’s go have some real fun all over the place!"
"Ma’am, there are other customers in the store, so could you please lower your voice a little…"
"Ah! Y-yes, of course…. I’m sorry…"
"…Pfft."
"D-don’t laugh at me…!"
***
With the sky dyed a deep red as the sun set, I rode in Shin Ye-na noona’s car on the way back home.
"Ahaha. It’s been so long since I had a proper change of mood. It feels great, right?"
"…Yes, Noona."
Café, window shopping, light dessert, then more window shopping. Wandering around the bustling streets all day doing essentially nothing wasn’t all that different from my recent daily routine. But today, having set down some of the burden on my heart, even the same old scenery felt genuinely enjoyable. …No, more than enjoyable. A lot more.
"By the way, were you feeling down too, Noona?"
"Mmm. …Lately Seon-ah has been so listless that I’ve been really worried. But it looks like most of that worry was resolved today."
"Ah…. I-I’m sorry."
"Hey, there you go again."
She gave me a light nudge with her elbow and showed me that gentle smile of hers.
"All you have to do now is make Seon-ah happy. And I know you can do it."
"Y-you too, Noona…"
"Hm…?"
"You can do it too."
I desperately pretended to stare out the window, hiding my burning red face. Haa… I really can’t handle saying sweet things like this. It’s just not in my nature.
Still. Even though it was embarrassing… it was something I had really wanted to say to her.
"…Thank you for saying that."
Her voice sounded slightly choked at the end. After that, an awkward, strange silence filled the car. I tried to think of something to change the mood. …Oh, right.
"B-by the way, when you first called Lee Seon-ah… didn’t you say you were going to give her some kind of special reward?"
"Eh? Y-yeah… I did. I still haven’t given it to her yet…"
"What is that special reward? Is it like a one-day date voucher or something…? Or maybe…"
"…That, unfortunately, is a se-cret."
The moment she said that, the car came to a smooth stop. I reflexively looked out the window and saw the familiar sight of my house.
"Looks like we’re pretty much at your place. This is it, right?"
"Huh? Ah, yes."
"Contact me anytime if you feel bored, and get home safely."
"…You too, Noona. Drive safely."
Just before I closed the passenger door after getting out, I noticed something. As she waved her pale hand gently at me, the empty space where a wedding ring should have been stood out more than anything else.
Could that special gift be…<|eos|>