Finn and Lily (1)
Lily's lips trembled, shaping soundless words again and again.
Only after several minutes had passed did she finally give those movements a voice.
"Why…?"
Tears welled at her eyes—joyful and sorrowful all at once, a contradiction overflowing down her face.
"Have you… have you forgotten what I did to you? How ungrateful I was? I…"
The tears traced the curve of her cheek, gathered at her chin, and fell. Each time one struck the ground and vanished, leaving only its mark, she spoke words utterly at odds with what she felt.
"Without you, I would have been dead long ago…!"
A tear struck the earth.
"And yet I didn't even recognize that kindness… I collapsed in grief over losing my mother, and I blamed you, I hated you, all on my own!!!"
Another tear fell.
"I've reached the point where I don't even know how to repay the grace you've given me…"
And another.
"And still I rejoice that you care for me—I'm shameless. So why would you…"
Her fingers, laced with mine, slowly lost their strength and slipped free, her gaze turning aside as if she could not bear to meet my eyes.
I caught her wrist as she tried to steal away from me, as though she were hoping, even then, to be held. Or perhaps I only thought that because I did not want to let her go.
…
…
When she realized I had caught her wrist and stopped her, she turned a tear-filled, pitiful gaze on me.
Please let go. Please don't bestow any more grace upon me. What you've done already is enough. Why would you try to give me not only your kindness, but your love as well?
I spoke to the girl whose eyes held all of that. The smile I had worn until a moment ago had faded, but my gaze remained fixed on her.
"Why, you ask? Isn't it stranger to insist on attaching a reason to love?"
"B-but…"
As my eyes continued to hold hers, her voice gradually thinned until it could no longer be heard. Her expression seemed to ask how a love without reason could possibly have been so sacrificial.
"Are you trying to tell me that dismissing my love as something without reason is far too contradictory… is that it?"
As if confirming I had guessed correctly, she slowly nodded. Even in this rather awkward predicament of having to explain the reason for my love to the one I loved, I understood her position, and so I let out a quiet laugh.
She did not know that I had watched over her from outside her world all along. She did not know that among all those countless characters, she alone had been burned into my mind and never left it, and that was why I had been summoned into her world. She did not know that before our time had been rewound, the sacrificial love she herself had shown me was something I had merely watched, learned, and was now imitating.
And so I stroked her wrist as I spoke. I wanted her to know, even a little, why she was loved—even if my clumsy answer might leave her questions unresolved. I would tell her only as much as I was able to give.
"It is a love—an affection—that dared to bloom simply because I beheld a fruit I should never have gazed upon."
Because I held the you inside the novel in my heart—that is the origin of my love.
"It is my paltry heart, which came to hold you of its own accord in a pursuit that had no cause."
I never intended it, but because I came to be with you, goodwill deepened into love.
"And yet, if I must search for a reason to attach to it…"
I lifted my gaze from the wrist I had been stroking and met her eyes. Joy, sorrow, bewilderment, emotion, love—every feeling gathered into an expression I could not name, and she filled my vision.
I unlaced the fingers of my right hand and reached toward her face. Her shoulders trembled as she realized my hand was coming toward her. Even so, she did not refuse the touch slowly approaching her cheek; she quietly closed her eyes and received my fingertips against her tear-wet skin.
"Perhaps I glimpsed a fragment of a waking dream I had been dreaming so deeply that I could not bring myself to erase the memory of that time, and so I reached toward a fruit I should never have touched."
"…Just like this."
At my whisper, she would probably have recalled the time I had spent happily with her, drawing on the original story. She would probably think of this foolish love as one still captive to memories I could now only look back on. That this foolish attendant had endured every sacrifice because he could not erase the bittersweet first love of his immature days.
Stubborn, in a way. Pure devotion, in a way. Obsession, in a way. She would not know that every moment that no longer even existed in this world's memory had become a single recollection for me, and that to me—clinging to that recollection—her simply being at my side was already a grace.
Then tears welled in my own eyes as well, sliding down my cheeks and falling endlessly toward the ground. Recalling the dilapidated cabin life we had shared—sad, yet happy, leaving only regret at the end—I spoke.
"And so I ask you—please, permit this insolent attendant to hold a dream."
Lily's eyes followed my tears. At my confession that I wanted to be by her side, her eyes widened, and a faint smile touched her lips.
"You're such an idiot…. If you do this, I won't even be able to repay you for the rest of my life…"
"There is no need to repay me. Simply remaining at my side is grace enough."
That's right. I'm still in the middle of repaying the grace you showed me. I'd rather you didn't bestow any more. If you did, I would be the one left not knowing how to repay it.
Then she nuzzled her face against the hand that had been caressing her cheek, bringing both her hands up to press my touch more firmly against her skin, as if to feel its warmth more surely.
My gaze, wearing a smile of fondness at how lovely she was, crossed with hers, wearing a tear-wet smile—and then, without either of us needing to speak, our lips began to draw slowly together, as if pulling each other in.
As her lips came almost to mine, a faint breath warmly enveloped my mouth. And just as Lily and I were about to kiss—
The door creaked open.
"Veri, I just remembered something I hadn't conveyed to you yet… oh my."
…
…
…
Grace, you fucking bitch. I genuinely want to tear you apart.
Lily, who had been exhaling even yearning breaths, weaving that ineffable atmosphere, was now somehow sitting in a chair, panting roughly, tapping at her burning-red face as if to cool it down.
"I've been rude… Please enjoy the rest of your time…"
As Grace tried to close the door and slip out again, abandoning the mood she had already blown to hell, I called her back.
"Shut up and just tell me what you came for."
It's already over because of you, you bitch.
Having the most important moment of my life interrupted had turned my tone savage. I'd picked her up thinking she'd be useful, but she kept killing the mood at every critical instant—aside from being a lie detector, I was starting to think she was good for absolutely nothing.
Then Grace, glancing furtively between me and Lily, slowly opened her mouth.
"Ah… then I shall mention just two things."
What followed was Grace's account. She had reported the results of her investigation—of Ian, Selina, and Lily, who had been nearby at the time, as well as the instructors who had arrived with Irene—to the Grand Archbishop of the Divinity Department.
"First, I reported that the enormous number of demons who attacked you and Her Highness the Princess were struck down by a knight, the master of Solaris, who appeared suddenly and then vanished."
The face of Grace, telling me she had spoken lies as if it were nothing, was as serene and still as ever. And Lily reacted as if she had already known.
But I couldn't understand why she would go out of her way to lie, and so I tilted my head.
"…That's a lie."
"Yes. It is a fabrication."
"Then why…"
Grace—whom people in some circles even went around calling the Saint of Truth? This wasn't even a matter where she could spin that whole theory of justice of hers the way she had during the Triang Village incident. I trailed off.
Then Grace offered me a benevolent smile.
"Faithfulness is, of course, of the utmost importance. But the rightness I believe in could not be obtained by acting on the truth, and so I simply chose to abandon the truth."
"…What?"
Grace lowered her gaze, looking steadily at my chest as she continued.
"It is still nothing more than my immature, unilateral judgment, but I concluded that nodding along was the right thing to do. If something unfortunate comes of this later… that, too, will be my karma."
For the first time, I felt as if a halo were shining from behind Grace. My mouth hung open, unable to close, releasing only empty breath. Was this how a teacher felt, watching a student grow? I could only stare, lost, at the way Grace had—without my even noticing—come to exercise something called flexibility.
Smiling at me, she brought up the second matter she had mentioned.
"And as for the second matter…"
"…Uh. Yeah. What is it?"
Grace looked back and forth between me and Lily, then hesitated, wetting her lips, and spoke.
"First, the matter of your artifact use has been conclusively discovered, and your ranking has been confirmed as runner-up. Since the artifact did not affect combat, it seems a relatively lenient disposition was given."
"Uh… well, that…"
At this point the tournament meant nothing to me, so I didn't particularly care, and I felt no particular emotion even at having taken the runner-up finish that had originally been my goal. But Grace continued, as if the real point had not yet been raised.
"However, due to an outpouring of support from Sir Ian, who has been confirmed as the champion, as well as many of the instructors who received the report that Bifrons was defeated, President Irene, and a number of the students—all of whom wish to properly see the final match—there has been talk of holding the finals once more, regardless of ranking."
"What?"
"That sounds wonderful…!"
Why would they bother with something so annoying…!
I thought it with my face twisting into a scowl—unlike Lily, who even clapped her hands in delight. I turned my head to ask why she was reacting that way, and she fidgeted with her fingers, glancing at me with those jewel-like eyes.
"I… I want everyone to see how magnificent you are when you show your true self, Finn… Would that be all right?"
With a resolute expression, I turned to Grace.
"Tell them we can do it right now."