Chapter 2 - I'm Just a Patient (1)
The thriller fantasy that erupted at the hot springs ended without any major mishaps.
When Sylvia threw off her gown, I nearly faced social death, but thankfully she'd put on a swimsuit, so I avoided a death sentence.
The real worst part... well, I won't say it. Mentioning it would get me silver bracelets slapped on immediately.
After some light splashing around in the bath and enjoying the sauna with the cool breeze...
"Can't we sleep together like old times?"
Only after blocking that final assassination attempt could I finally return to the Execution Bureau. If Sylvia had snuck in without knocking, it would've been a fatal blow I couldn't defend against.
After that desperate defense of my social life, I opened the door to my utterly unmissed office, only to find... the usual faces were gone?
What the hell. Where is everyone?
"They all took half-days off for hangovers."
Everyone except the weary-faced 2nd District Chief was missing. Did the black mages strike again or something?
Even Lianna had pulled an all-nighter, dark circles smudged under her eyes.
"What the hell happened?"
"We used the dinner stipend, but some was left over awkwardly. Then 1st District Chief suddenly started collecting more money—"
Lianna's explanation was crystal clear.
The blond thug 1st District Chief, Alick, had declared:
"We've got no one to eye us here—wanna run it another day?"
He'd pushed the insane idea of stretching the dinner over two days while blackout drunk.
"Yes! Let's drink!"
4th District Chief Ceres had piled on.
"Yeah, honey. Sorry, but I've got another dinner tomorrow—"
The married 3rd District Chief, Vargas, had joined them with an excuse anyone could see through. Exactly what I'd been dying to know.
"...Hoo."
The words are they insane? nearly slipped out.
I'd clearly taken a hit from the Holy Empire's curse Falling Star, so why was the Execution Bureau the one turned upside down? Had I been too lenient?
No.
If they were the type to hold back over something like this, they'd just stand around on the battlefield waiting for my orders, useless. As long as they don't screw up when it matters.
Our Execution Bureau is always on dispatch duty when bored, fighting tooth and nail year-round, buried in filthy work, and never getting proper vacations. This was a decent excuse to cut loose. Even I can't deny Mon-Tue-Wed-Thu-Fri-Fri-Fri is tough.
"By the way, Lianna."
"Yes."
"You okay? You look beat."
"Someone sober has to be there so they can drink without worry, right? I don't like alcohol much anyway."
Lianna let out a bitterly wry smile. Her raspy voice suggested she'd suffered all night.
She's human, so of course it hurt.
From the circumstances, it was clear the dinner had gone on thanks to Lianna's noble sacrifice. As the district chief, she could've stopped them on rational grounds, but she'd obviously been babysitting the drunks.
Standing as the lone human amid drunken beasts, suffering was inevitable—but she was still pitiful.
Doesn't this look more like a quarantine ward?
If I hadn't scouted these guys off the streets, they'd be holding down some spot somewhere. They act like animals, but they're not lacking in skill.
Though recalling their usual antics made me question if they had beast-level intelligence. Who straight-up curses out their boss to their face?
Maybe this isn't the Execution Bureau but the Beast Bureau? Otherwise, it doesn't add up.
I'd gathered only the hot-headed ones so they wouldn't hesitate in battle, but I hadn't anticipated side effects this severe.
"Thanks..."
"Suddenly?"
Lianna, one of the few normals, was so grateful that I bowed deeply. She freaked out, waving her hands frantically.
"...You didn't eat something weird, did you?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Then, one favor."
Lianna spoke in a fatigued voice.
"My parents want to meet soon."
"Ah."
Makes sense. It'd been a while. Considering her homeland, even teleportation wouldn't wrap it up in a day or two.
"I can approve leave for that."
My job was basically cracking black mage skulls, exterminating magical beasts, and stopping 1st District Chief's escapes. Especially the last one.
"It's a bit complicated. I'll know more when I go later, but I'll tell you once it's set."
"Huh? Oh, sure."
Lianna fidgeted, twisting her light brown hair around her finger.
"It won't be a big deal. Probably just some archery and done."
Archery, huh. Their bows were something else.
"Hey! Don't hide and snipe like a coward—fight fair! You fight like shit!"
"...You think we're crazy enough to melee you?"
From someone who'd tasted their cavalry archers in the Demon War, it ground my teeth flat.
"Got it. Tell me ahead if you can."
"Yes."
The Northern Region. Looked like fresh game soon.
...Was my food luck exploding lately?
Lady Lucia's homemade feast. Then Sylvia force-feeding me Brittman Resort grub.
Add Northern raw meat? Man, this was living well.
If only this peace lasted—
Bzzz!
"Deputy Chief, incoming call."
"..."
The Execution Bureau has a jinx.
Say "peaceful today, huh?" and something always happens.
It's superstition, but the timing overlaps so much we've made it a rule not to say it.
I hadn't even spoken, yet peace shattered. Some unknown god must be peeking in my head. Time for a tinfoil hat?
"...Haa."
The communication orb blazed navy blue, vibrating fiercely.
I pressed the switch, and an unwelcome face greeted me.
"Execution Bureau Deputy Chief Jin Nikanoor, right?"
The current Gul Castle head and a woman I'd brawled with nonstop during the Demon War.
"Clear out that ugly mug." " A cliff's talking? " Hey, you little shit-fuck bastard! " I'm an orphan, though~? "
The great saintess who worships the goddess of charity, Karatia—Evangeline Lamer.
Her shrill voice filled my ears.
"I'm not that guy."
"Cut the bullshit and get to Gul Castle's bishop residence. Unless you wanna die."
Click. True to her rude self, every word was a gem.
"...Should I go?"
"Nah. She called for me, so I'll handle it."
Lianna started to rise, but I gestured her back down.
Can't expose our bureau's sole light and salt to that venomous cliff bitch. If her personality rubbed off even a bit, it'd turn this place into real hell.
Stay as you are. You especially.
This was sincere. If the last human by my side changed, I couldn't handle the bureau's beasts.
I headed to Gul Castle's bishop residence for a delightful chat with the venomous cliff bitch.
Forcing my feet toward it, more priests in white-with-navy holy robes appeared.
"...Did something happen today? Why's Execution Bureau here?"
"Shh. Don't make eye contact, just pass quietly."
Two priestesses whispered at my black robes.
The Holy Empire's only black-clad group was the Execution Bureau.
Can't change this either.
Black-robed priests always brought bloodbaths. History proved it.
Back in the Inquisition days, and now as exorcist priests, same deal. But the biggest influence was something else.
"Don't the weak deserve to be taken? Isn't that how the world works?"
Beasts in human skin.
To explain, go back to when the Holy Empire's top brass used Inquisitors as hunting dogs.
Classic rotten medieval fantasy: corrupt brass, young pope. Inquisitors as their corrupt limbs.
Once rotten, upright priests fled to the countryside, leaving maggots writhing.
What to do? Flip it over.
Two years ago, Evangeline and I cleaned the Holy Empire spotless.
Lightly corrupt ones enjoyed treadmills and sticky love in underground cells. The worse got happy ends as mage tower materials for humanity's progress.
Our venomous cliff bitch, Evangeline, earned great saintess for her merits. Applause for her!
"You're thinking something weird again."
"Agh, no, Great Saintess."
After, I openly changed Inquisition to exorcist priests. Non-priests swinging swords? Still ridiculous.
"So, why'd you call?"
"...Can you drop the polite crap? It's creepy."
Her navy eyes pierced mine. I got what she meant, but...
You're the great saintess.
Plenty of eyes around. Bantering like Demon War days in public? Nah.
I think of her as venomous cliff bitch, but casual speech is different. That's for our beast shelter bureau.
"Haa... Chief Secretary, sorry, could you step out? Private talk."
"Yes, Saintess."
One word from Evangeline, and all priests vanished from the residence.
Seeing that gave me chills.
What the?
I stood wary; she pointed at a chair, annoyed.
"Sit. Long story."
"So, what's up, Sain—"
"Wanna die?"
Married, yet that temper unchanged. Pitiful husband.
"Remember that dwarf you contacted? Dug into it, and shit hit the fan."
What? Counterfeiting silver and gold? No, my fortune!
"Spout counterfeit crap again and you're dead."
"How'd you know."
Duh, it'd be weirder not to. Our time together wasn't long, but dense. We knew each other too well. Bad friend choice.
"Haa. How'd I end up tangled with you."
"That's my line."
Evangeline tidied her navy bob, brushing lint.
"...Spit it out."
Always struck me seeing her like this.
"At least you're a woman."
"...? Hey!"
Venomous, cliff-like, but womanly. Uh, yeah.
"So, why'd you call?"
"No biggie."
...People saying that always mean huge.
"Caught black mages in Ludwig Marquis Territory trying to create a god. Need entry permission."
Damn.
Lightning struck Ludwig twice. Sad news.
Black mages twice in a row? All we could offer was condolences.
"You said they bulked up last time. Need pull?"
"Unofficial request?"
"For now. Oh, almost forgot the important part."
Evangeline extended her hand.
"?"
"You did Possession recently. Gotta check."
"Ah."
No lewd intent. Routine health check. Heroes, crimson knights, sages vouch for it. Turns out guy-girl friendships exist.
Her holy power flowed through me.
"...Tch."
She frowned, issue detected.
Did my love cells die off into biological sterility?
"Don't do shit."
"...? What?"
"Too many stigmata piled up."
Her navy eyes firm.
Whew, not that issue. TS beam would've nuked half my life's meaning.
Missing my thought, she pressed on sternly.
"You'll really croak like this. So rest this time. Breathe only."
Hm?
"Suits me fine."
"...?"
"Not 'stay back'?"
Possession wasn't some dog's name. Even used to it, no good deed.
Doc says rest, patient obeys. I'm not some paranoid nut.
"...Fucking asshole."
"Why curse?"
"Eat shit!"
With fabulous middle finger and fierce glare, Evangeline raged.
Grateful for rest, why curse? No clue.