Coming of Age (2)
"...Fuck."
Early dawn.
I woke with a hand pressed to my forehead.
After sighing for a long while in pure self-disgust, I quietly rose from the bed and headed outside.
I left the building, crossed the path, and arrived at the riverbank. There I began scrubbing myself clean, rinsing every part of my body. I needed to sort myself out and get back before anyone saw.
Lately it kept happening like this. I kept having filthy dreams. And with them, the frequency of having to come out and wash myself like this only grew.
Maybe if I just relieved myself through a maid the way some of the boy soldiers did, it would ease up a little.
...Of course, even if that were possible, I had no desire to do it.
Strangely enough, I felt no urge to do it with just anyone.
"..."
...If it were the woman who always appeared in my dreams, maybe it would be all right. I knew better than anyone that she was someone I must never touch—but that very knowledge of the forbidden only made the stimulation sharper.
If such a situation ever arose, how would it unfold? Would we spit words of hatred at each other while our bodies clawed for instinct like animals?
The thought that flashed through me sent the blood rushing again. I cursed under my breath and pressed my forehead once more.
As I grew, reactions I couldn't even understand kept bursting out of my own body. It was exhausting that every time lust stirred, only she came to mind.
I submerged myself in the cold water. Hoping my lower half would settle quickly, I caught my breath for a moment. In that chill that felt like returning home, my mind cleared as well.
"...Ah!!"
A scream tore out from behind me.
I turned, and there was the red hair I had seen endlessly in my dreams.
"...Vivian."
I let out a hollow laugh of pure disbelief. I never imagined I would meet her here, now. Unlike the dream, where all I had felt was raw arousal, the emotions reality brought were far too complex—and so, surprisingly, I was able to face her with a calm I hadn't expected.
"Why—why are you completely naked!!"
Vivian demanded, far more agitated than usual. Her voice ripped through the quiet of dawn.
Fortunately, my lower half was still submerged.
"...What about you? What are you doing out here at this hour?"
I asked her back.
Vivian covered her eyes with her hand as she answered. Through the gaps between her fingers, our eyes kept meeting.
"M-my room was hot... I just wanted to get some air for a bit... No—what about you, why are you like that at dawn!"
"...I came out to wash because I was hot too. Why."
As if that explanation no longer mattered, she waved her hand dismissively.
"J-just put some clothes on already."
"You need to turn around first before I can do anything."
When Vivian hesitated, visibly flustered, a strange courage rose in me and I provoked her.
"Why are you hesitating? Should I just walk out like this? Want to see everything?"
"...Huh?"
Vivian glanced at me at that provocation. The reaction—revealing a strange flicker of curiosity—was so unexpected that I was the one who got flustered this time.
"...What the hell kind of reaction is that?"
"...Sh-shut up. I'm turning around, so put your clothes on quick...!"
Vivian spun around at once. I steadied my breathing, and only after confirming she had frozen in place did I move.
Splash!
When I climbed out of the water, Vivian's body flinched. I kept my eyes locked on her in case she might turn around—so every single reaction sank into my sight. Whether it was curiosity or something else, every time she twitched and tilted her head, I paused too. Whether because of my natural state, or because of the dream I'd had of her, it was a little embarrassing.
In the end, she never looked.
I dried off and pulled on the dry clothes I had prepared. The dirty ones I simply threw into the river. Shaking out my hair, I spoke to her.
"Done. Now."
"...Haa..."
Vivian collapsed to sit as if all the tension had drained out of her at those words. That shy look of hers, which I hadn't seen in a long time, felt strangely endearing.
"But are you out of your mind?"
What came out of my mouth, however, was nothing like that honest thought.
"Are you determined to get yourself killed wandering around in the middle of the night? How can you roam around at dawn without even an escort?"
"...I told you it was hot."
Vivian muttered with mild irritation.
"And I'm not as weak as I used to be. I don't have to live hiding in fear every single day anymore..."
"...That's different. It's not like you could win if you ran into an assassin."
"Assassin? What assassin..."
Frustrated by that flippant response, I finally snapped.
"Hey, you idiot. Do you not realize what kind of atmosphere you've been creating in this castle lately? Even I can see the factions splitting apart—so why are you so relaxed?"
"That's exactly why it's safer, Kailo. Everyone's so busy watching their backs they can't even think about attacking. Who would stick their neck out in this climate and risk getting their tail stepped on?"
There was a strange certainty in her voice.
"And don't worry. I thought everything through before coming out today. Today's fine."
"No—what are you even basing that on..."
I sighed.
Hearing that sigh, Vivian spun around on her rear to face me. Then she patted the ground beside her, inviting me to sit. I quietly settled next to her.
In the early dawn, with the sun just beginning to rise and everyone still asleep, we spent this unplanned time together in such quiet. It didn't even feel strange. Three years ago, when I first arrived here, I never would have imagined a moment like this could come.
In the cool breeze, Vivian scooted a little closer to me. She seemed to want to use me as a windbreak. For Vivian, a southerner, the weather must have been a touch cold. Our shoulders brushed lightly against each other. I couldn't understand why that small point of contact bothered me so much. In my dreams I had boldly grabbed everywhere, after all.
"You're worrying too much right now, Kailo. But... a bloodstorm will blow soon. When that time comes, I definitely won't be wandering around carelessly like this."
"...A bloodstorm?"
Vivian looked at me. A resolute expression—the complete opposite of her earlier fluster—had risen on her face.
"...I wrote a kill list."
She said it. At that heavy word, I simply kept my mouth shut. The atmosphere grew heavy in an instant.
"I divided people into those who will stand with me... those who must be eliminated somehow. And those who should be given a chance. I'm going to manage people according to that."
"Which side am I on?"
Vivian answered with a snort of laughter.
"...Someone to be eliminated. Someone who should suffer."
I smiled lightly as well, then asked,
"Besides me, who else has to die?"
"Not people who have to die—people who have to be eliminated. I can't kill them all."
"...So who is there."
Vivian sighed and listed the names.
"Finance Officer Brinden, Spymaster Nesto, Scholar Crelin, Butler Pipin, numerous maids, some of the guards, some of the soldiers, the First Knight Order, and Baelor."
"What about your uncle, or Count Corrad?"
"I need to make them lose interest in my land. First I have to turn Rondore Castle upside down."
"...But are you really going to deal with all of them?"
"This is already the reduced list. But yes. I'm going to overturn everything this thoroughly."
"You said there are people you'll give chances to."
"Yes—but not the people I just named. I've given them enough chances, so now I'll eliminate them all. Of course, I can't just kill them carelessly... so I'll have to hold out until I find a justification. Evidence of them betraying me, that sort of thing."
"What if they didn't betray you?"
"I'll still get rid of them. They make me uneasy."
"What if there's no way to eliminate them except execution? Will you kill them then?"
Vivian looked at me and said firmly,
"I'll kill them."
"..."
"...I'm sorry, but when that time comes, you'll have to do some hard work."
"..."
Her face held a resoluteness that had never been there before. It was hard to even imagine her as the girl I once knew. She was no longer the girl who had cried years ago.
"Kailo."
Vivian called my name quietly. She gently placed her hand on my thigh.
"..."
A tingling shiver ran down my leg. Vivian's hand settled deeper on my thigh than expected. Vivian—who startled at even the lightest touch of a hand—couldn't possibly not know what she was doing.
"...As I said, a bloodstorm will blow."
But Vivian's words were delivering cold reality. I nodded.
"Before that, you should get some rest too. Things could get really complicated going forward."
"..."
I nodded again. Our faces had somehow drawn so close.
"..."
"..."
Our breaths touched, and our eyes would not leave each other. In the deep dawn, an owl hooted somewhere. The sound of the gently flowing river joined in—the chirp of insects in the grass, leaves rustling in the wind. The cool breeze and the soft moonlight descending. I couldn't tell how much longer we stayed like that. Through all of it, we only looked into each other's eyes. We just sat there in silence.
"...What is it?"
In the end, unable to endure the atmosphere, I quietly asked. Vivian answered in a whisper, as if sharing a secret—barely audible.
"...What... is?"
Vivian's hand on my thigh fidgeted. She never pulled her head back. If she leaned just a little farther, our noses would touch.
"..."
She pretended not to know, but she must have been feeling it just as I was. The time to pull away had passed. The time to break the gaze had come. Yet we only looked into each other's eyes. We had been together for years, but this long a stretch of eye contact was a first.
Then Vivian swallowed. Her gaze lowered slightly, landing on my lips. A look that would not have been hard to mistake for longing.
"..."
"..."
Unable to tear her eyes from my lips, she parted her mouth slightly. As if about to say something—but no words came. Then she lightly bit her lower lip. Her lips, wet with saliva, began to glisten moistly.
"..."
Something snapped inside me as well. An impulse rose to feel those soft lips. Maybe because of the dream I'd had today. My body moved on its own. Very slowly, I brought my lips toward hers. My hand also moved to hold the back of her neck.
"...Ah."
But as I slowly approached, Vivian seemed to come to her senses—blinking and pulling her body back. From the moment she withdrew, she breathed a little roughly.
"..."
...I clenched the hand I had stretched out to hold the back of her neck. I came back to my senses belatedly. What the hell had I just been about to do. Between her and me. Our families had been at war for years.
Vivian acted as if the moment just now had never happened.
"A-anyway. Get some rest before the bloodstorm blows. I've also decided to give the Disciplinary Unit members some rest."
I said, brushing off the awkward feeling.
"...Even if the kids rest, they're just resting locked up. Like that'll feel like rest."
"I'm going to let them go out."
Vivian said. At that shocking statement, I asked back,
"What?"
"I'm going to permit the Disciplinary Unit to go out now."
"...Then they're not a Disciplinary Unit anymore."
"That's true. But I'll permit it under my authority. It's my will anyway, right?"
"..."
"They came in as boy soldiers, but there are plenty of men who've become adults now. Living locked up must be frustrating. They're on my side—so I should take care of them."
I thought for a moment, then said to her,
"...Do you even know what that means?"
If the Disciplinary Unit members went out, they would meet their families, sure... but there was one place they would head. The brothel. They would definitely go to relieve their overflowing lust. That was what those locked away struggled with most. And if I wasn't mistaken, Vivian seemed to have said it with that very thing in mind—just like the atmosphere between us moments ago.
"I know."
She said.
"..."
Was it because of her slightly taller height, her chest... her longer legs, her slightly more beautiful face? Or because of what she was saying now? Vivian looked more adult than usual. The girl in my memory was fading away.
"Are you sure you know what I'm talking about?"
I asked again, indirectly. She was the one who had always claimed lust was dirty. I couldn't understand this change.
Vivian nodded more firmly and answered.
"Yes. I also now..."
She looked at me. Like before—the girl who had kept meeting my eyes—answered quietly.
"...Now, I think I can... understand that desire."