Chapter 19
Chapter 19
Poisoning (1)
A month had passed since the executions.
And it had also been a month since Vivian touched Kylo Allen’s arm and asked whether he was alright.
Since then, Vivian had never gone looking for Kylo Allen.
And he had never come looking for her either.
Perhaps it was because they both knew they had nothing to say if they met.
Or perhaps because the relationship between them had changed strangely after that day, leaving them awkward around each other.
Why had she worried about him that day?
Even now, Vivian still couldn’t answer that question.
Whatever the reason, it had been a long time since they last spoke.
Still, sometimes Vivian watched Kylo Allen from afar.
She always stayed at a distance where he wouldn’t notice her presence.
Even Vivian herself didn’t understand why.
At first, she thought it was because of hatred. She believed she sought him out because resentment still remained, because she wanted to confirm he was living a painful life.
But the more honest she became with herself, the more she realized there were other reasons mixed in as well.
Ever since the executions, she had begun feeling something besides hatred.
Perhaps it was curiosity.
Perhaps... simple human concern...
But she had no desire to dig deeper into exactly what that feeling was.
Kylo Allen’s daily life was monotonous.
Perhaps because he belonged to the Punishment Corps, he trained at fixed hours, did menial work at fixed hours, and rested alone in isolated places at fixed hours.
Watching him, he looked slightly more mature than before.
In reality, he was probably growing taller and becoming more adult-like too.
Alongside the physical changes, psychological changes seemed to have happened as well.
Before, he used to suddenly approach her during lessons or breaks to speak or provoke her.
Now he merely sat alone getting fresh air.
It looked like he was wandering aimlessly.
Many people saw Kylo as a monster after watching him calmly sever heads during the executions.
But Vivian knew the executions had planted immense guilt deep inside his chest.
Even the moments he spent alone in the wind were part of him trying to calm those feelings.
Perhaps that was why she kept watching him from afar.
She couldn’t take her eyes off the sight of him swallowing his pain alone.
Seeing someone as strong as Kylo struggle like that made him feel human.
For the first time, she wasn’t seeing Kylo Allen as an enemy, but as a boy only one year older than herself.
Watching him suffer did not make her feel satisfied.
Instead, she felt strange pity... or perhaps guilt.
Because they carried similar pain, she sympathized with him.
If anything, hadn’t he ended up carrying an even heavier burden?
Especially a burden he never even needed to carry.
Rondor had changed as well.
First of all, discipline among the knights improved.
Not a single knight had failed to hear Kylo Allen’s rebuke in the courtyard.
Perhaps because of that, whenever Vivian passed by, the knights all saluted sharply.
The soldiers who already saluted her before now greeted her even more respectfully...
And Baellor no longer ignored her either.
That atmosphere spread openly throughout the castle as well, and the formal respect shown toward her steadily increased.
Not only knights, but squires, soldiers, and even guards saluted her so frequently it became exhausting.
Vivian didn’t know how she was supposed to feel about it.
Should she be grateful to Kylo Allen?
But then again, the root cause behind all of this was House Allen itself.
Should she thank someone for wiping up spilled water after being the one to spill it in the first place?
Especially when even the act of wiping it up hadn’t been done out of kindness, but to prove her weakness.
She didn’t know.
But she did know one thing for certain.
Her heart felt suffocated.
She no longer knew how many days she had spent wrestling with the same thoughts.
“...”
Today too, around the same time as always, she looked out the window.
Sure enough, Kylo Allen was trudging toward the riverside.
After glancing around near the riverbank, he eventually settled down and sat there blankly.
Vivian watched him for a while before biting her lip and rising from her seat.
“So refreshing~.”
Imitating Father, I stretched myself out into the breeze.
Today too, after finishing my duties, I rested by the river.
This place felt peaceful.
I liked the sound of the water gently flowing and the rustling grass bending in the wind.
They were sounds I never heard in the snow-covered north.
If there was one thing I liked about the south, it was moments like this.
Sometimes the weather was unbearably hot, but after getting used to it, I could tolerate it somewhat.
A month had passed since the executions.
Many things had changed for me too.
No one in the Punishment Corps picked fights with me anymore.
Under Vergor’s orders, every boy soldier had witnessed the executions.
The brand left on me that day never disappeared.
Emotionless monster.
Cold-blooded killer.
Savage.
And beyond just my actions, southern executioners themselves seemed to receive this kind of treatment in general.
Yet beneath all that contempt...
I also sensed a little fear and reverence directed toward me.
Men understood things like that instinctively.
No matter how much insults came out of their mouths, you could tell whether they truly looked down on you or feared you instead.
Knowing that made enduring this treatment easier.
Recently, the only ones who still approached me were Balon, Willas, and Martin.
They too had gone quiet for a while after witnessing the executions, but lately they were slowly returning to their old selves.
I had even begun thinking reconciling with them might not be so bad.
I let out another sigh.
Lately, I kept having nightmares.
Dreams where twenty severed heads rolled around like watermelons while staring silently at me.
Whenever I woke from those dreams, my body was usually drenched in cold sweat.
Maybe Balon, Willas, and Martin saw those moments and started treating me more like a human being because of it.
But even if they did...
For some reason, the blood on my hands still felt impossible to wash away.
I had scrubbed myself so many times the smell of blood disappeared long ago, yet whenever I sat blankly, I still smelled it lingering somewhere.
The guilt of killing people was lasting far longer than I expected.
Sometimes I wondered.
How long exactly would I have to stay here?
Would I truly never return home?
-Step... step...
Then I heard familiar footsteps.
Though it had been a while, I immediately knew who it was.
Strangely enough, I could always tell when it was her.
But even more surprising than that was the fact she had actually come looking for me.
For the past month, neither of us sought the other out.
We didn’t approach each other just to snarl and argue anymore.
Maybe because of the burden we shared during the executions, some kind of bond had formed between us.
For some reason, that made things awkward, so I had been avoiding Vivian.
Well, even while avoiding her, I still listened carefully whenever I heard anything about her.
Realizing she had come close, I spoke first.
“...I heard you turned fourteen.”
A reply came from behind me.
“Yeah.”
She stood closer than I expected.
“Congratulations.”
“...We’re not close enough to congratulate each other on birthdays.”
“...That’s true, but I figured nobody sincerely congratulated you.”
“Like nobody congratulated you?”
“...Yeah. Like me.”
“...At least I did hear it from the retainers.”
I laughed at that.
“None of them meant it sincerely. You said it yourself before. Adults scare you.”
“And you’re sincerely congratulating me?”
I turned to look at Vivian.
Those crimson eyes stared straight at me.
Even after all this time, she was still breathtaking.
Looking at her, I answered,
“I mean it.”
“...Don’t say ridiculous things.”
“...”
I truly was glad she survived.
That her life didn’t end at thirteen, and she made it to fourteen.
I sincerely wanted to congratulate her for that.
-Slide.
Vivian quietly sat down farther away.
There was enough distance between us for a grown adult to lie down comfortably.
It felt like a reflection of the distance between us.
She picked up a pebble and tossed it into the river.
I watched her for a moment before picking up a pebble myself and throwing it too.
“Why did you come?”
I asked.
It was our first conversation in a month.
I wondered what she wanted to say.
“...”
Without answering, Vivian stared at the river for a long while just like I did.
The wind blew again.
This time her scent drifted toward me, sweeping away the lingering smell of blood.
“...I came to tell you I think I’ll end up tormenting you again soon.”
After a long silence, Vivian finally spoke.
I raised an eyebrow and waited for her to continue.
“I-I don’t know exactly how yet. But I will.”
I sniffed once through my nose.
“Why tell me that? If I ask you not to, will you stop?”
“No.”
A hollow laugh escaped me.
Oddly enough, it didn’t even make me angry.
Maybe because it was Vivian saying it.
“Then why tell me? Are you worried about me or something?”
“...Do you really think I’d worry about you?”
“You asked if I was okay after the executions. I heard you.”
Vivian’s mouth fell open wide before she suddenly froze speechless.
Her lips moved busily, but no words came out.
Eventually she gave up, turned her head away, and started throwing pebbles harder into the river.
Her face even looked slightly red.
“Whatever. I’m leaving.”
Splash.
After throwing another stone, Vivian dusted off her hands and stood up.
...What a nasty woman.
That was what I thought.
No, seriously, she came all the way here and I thought maybe she was trying to comfort me or something.
Instead she just came to curse me again.
Ah, but I guess I used to do the same thing.
Well, we weren’t exactly in a relationship where we comforted each other.
I was just getting ahead of myself.
...Still, after cutting off people’s heads for her, wasn’t I allowed to get ahead of myself a little?
Of course, she still probably thought I only did it to act strong.
Not for her sake.
I didn’t bother seeing her off as she left.
I simply stared blankly at the river again and sighed.
“Haa.”
“...”
At the sound of my sigh, Vivian’s retreating footsteps suddenly stopped.
The timing was so exact it almost made me wonder whether I’d done something wrong.
Even after waiting for a long while, I still didn’t hear her continue walking, so I turned around.
Vivian was still standing there, staring only at me.
“What?”
Did she still have something left to say?
Was she planning to torment me even more?
“...”
Vivian blinked rapidly, looking restless like a dog needing to relieve itself.
Eventually, as though finally making up her mind, she frowned deeply.
Then she walked over and lightly kicked my waist with her foot.
-Thud.
“H-How long are you going to keep moping around like that?”
“...What?”
After blurting that out, Vivian briefly made a guilty expression, then bit down on her lips again before suddenly turning and running away.
I sat there blankly, watching her retreating back.
“How long are you going to keep crying like that?”
The words I once said to her echoed in my mind.
“...”
Only then did delayed laughter escape me.
“Ha.”
Hearing my own words thrown back at me like that made it impossible not to laugh.
It was so absurd I kept chuckling helplessly.
Eventually the chuckles grew into full laughter.
Was that what made her so restless earlier?
Did she come all the way here just to say those words to me?
I kept laughing for what felt like the first time in months.
I couldn’t stop remembering how awkward she looked struggling to force those unfamiliar words out.
Her actions, her tone, and her words all felt like a cool breeze blowing through my chest.
It felt as though I had finally woken from a long sleep.
My whole body felt refreshed.
Just as I used to feel frustrated watching her cry, perhaps Vivian had been equally frustrated watching me sink into depression.
Maybe to her, all my attempts to act strong looked ridiculous.
It was unbelievable.
While everyone else called me an emotionless monster, she was telling me to stop being so depressed.
“Haa...”
After laughing for a while, I spread my arms wide and lay flat on the ground.
The sky looked incredibly blue.
“...Nasty woman.”
I muttered to myself.
Even cursing helped release the complicated feelings inside me.
Who did she think I’d been suffering like this for?
...Still, I didn’t hate it.
The fact she noticed how depressed I’d become meant she had been watching me for a while.
Just as I once watched her cry, she had been watching me sitting by the river wallowing in misery.
Thinking about it now, maybe this was our own strange way of comforting each other.
When I approached her before, was this how she felt too?
If so, then maybe it didn’t feel that bad.
I laughed quietly again at the thought.
She was right after all.
I couldn’t stay depressed forever.
I needed to stand back up.
-Pat pat.
Dusting off my pants, I rose from the riverbank.
The smile wouldn’t leave my face.
Just as I turned to leave, a maid glanced around cautiously before approaching me.
Her face was unfamiliar.
For a moment I wondered whether she also held resentment toward my family, so I became cautious.
But without saying anything, she stepped closer and placed a folded note into my hand.
“What is this?”
Without answering, she hurried away just like Vivian did.
“...”
I stood there blankly before slowly unfolding the note.
Inside was a short sentence.
“Be careful of the food.”