Chapter 10
Chapter 10
Watch Me (1)
The maids who had been dozing off instantly jolted awake at the sight of me.
A few of them even gasped in shock.
“Y-Your face...”
“S-Should we wake Scholar Krellyn?”
I shook my head and refused their suggestion.
That wasn’t why I had come here.
I walked past the maids and placed my hand against Vivian’s door.
The moment I tried opening it without a word, the soldiers blocked my way.
“You must receive permission before entering. Even if you are her guard—”
“Whose permission?”
“Lady Vivian’s permission.”
“...”
As I quietly stared at the soldier’s face, the sound of sobbing drifted from inside Vivian’s room.
“...Who’s supposed to give permission in that state?”
“Then we cannot allow you inside. Please return—”
“You know where I’m from, don’t you.”
“...”
I didn’t want to waste time arguing like this. My body already ached from the endless beating.
I wanted to see Vivian quickly, say what I came to say, then go back and rest.
So I even resorted to threats I normally wouldn’t use.
“What’s your name?”
“...Ron.”
“Ron. Someday, I’m going back home.”
“...”
“And when I return, I’ll probably inherit House Allen too. I’ll do my best not to forget your name until then.”
“...Uh... w-well...”
“But depending on what you do right now, I think I’ll either remember you fondly... or very badly.”
Ron blinked before awkwardly clearing his throat.
“A-At the very least, I’ll need to search you.”
I complied with the search.
Immediately afterward, I entered Vivian’s room without knocking.
-Thud.
Once inside, I quietly shut the door.
The candles were extinguished, and the curtains were drawn.
Without the faint moonlight seeping through the gaps in the curtains, it would have been impossible to see anything at all.
But if I simply stood still and listened...
“Hic... sob...”
I heard a familiar sound.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
It irritated me.
Vivian had no idea how many sleepless nights that sound had caused me.
How suffocated it made me feel, how much it forced me to agonize.
The Duchess had been right.
Vivian and I were strangely alike in many ways.
Maybe that was exactly why I hated seeing her cry like this so much.
Because every time she cried in a situation similar to mine, it felt like she was telling me I should cry too.
Like I was desperately trying to endure somehow, while she sat beside me telling me to give up instead.
Using the sound of Vivian’s crying as a guide, I crossed the room.
She was so lost in her own world that she didn’t even notice me approaching.
Even though I deliberately made noise while walking so I wouldn’t startle her too badly, she still failed to notice.
“...”
Standing beside Vivian’s bed, I steadied myself.
I considered what sort of words I could use to comfort her...
...Then abandoned all of them.
When you thought about it, we weren’t the kind of people who could exchange gentle words with each other.
And no matter how kindly I spoke, she would probably only become angrier from her perspective.
So...
-Thud.
Kicking the side of her bed, I asked,
“How long are you going to keep sitting there bawling?”
All the frustration that had built up inside me burst out in a strange way.
“!!!”
Startled by my voice, Vivian jerked upright from where she had been lying in bed sobbing.
Breathing rapidly, she slowly realized who I was.
“...K-Kylo... Allen?”
“I asked how long you’re going to keep crying like that.”
“...W-Why are y-you... h-here...?”
Ignoring her shock, I continued pressing her.
“What changes from crying? From what I’ve seen, you’ve spent an entire month bawling nonstop. How much longer are you planning to keep this up? Do you think anyone’s going to pity you for it?”
A long silence followed.
“...”
“...”
Vivian Rondor seemed to need time to understand why I was here and what exactly I had just said.
Hidden by the darkness, I couldn’t see her expression.
I was grateful for that.
If I could see her face, I probably wouldn’t have been able to speak this harshly.
Breathing unevenly, Vivian finally spoke.
“L-Leave. I d-don’t want to t-talk to you.”
“I’ll leave once you promise to stop crying like this.”
“...W-What does it matter to you whether I cry... or get angry...?! W-What does it have to do with you...?”
Oddly enough, seeing her angry made me feel relieved.
At least when she was angry, she didn’t look like a corpse.
“It’s because it’s annoying to look at.”
“...What?”
“You crying every damn day over nothing makes you look pathetic.”
Vivian sounded too dumbfounded to even respond properly, only letting out rough breaths.
It was the sort of pure reaction an aristocratic young lady might show after never hearing such rude behavior directed at her before.
After a long moment, she shouted again, this time with more anger in her voice.
“W-What do you even know to say things like that...? D-Do you even know what I’ve been through because of your family...!!”
The longer the conversation continued, the more emotional she became.
“D-Do you even know what kind of life your family forced me into!!”
The commotion outside the room grew louder, but I ignored it.
I only spat out the words I had wanted to say to Vivian.
“You still look like you’re living just fine to me.”
“...What?”
“You sleep in a warm bed and eat luxurious food. So what exactly is so hard that you keep complaining?”
Vivian repeated my words as though she couldn’t believe them.
“Y-You think I’m living fine...?”
“Yeah.”
“...”
“...”
“...Is there something wrong with your head...?”
I heard the blankets being shoved aside violently in the darkness.
Unable to see clearly, my hearing had become sharper.
Strong emotions filled Vivian’s voice.
“D-Do all your worries disappear if you sleep in a nice bed? D-Do all your problems disappear if the food tastes good...?”
“...”
“W-Would you still be able to say that if your life became like mine too...? Even after your family was slaughtered!! If you eat well and sleep well, d-does that make you happy?!”
“I—”
Vivian cut me off and continued.
As though a dam had burst, she poured everything out.
“D-Do you know what it feels like to stutter like an idiot and get beaten every single day? Do you know what it feels like to cling desperately to lessons that show no sign of helping at all!!”
She shouted until her throat nearly tore apart.
Her emotions burned like fire.
“I can’t even tell anyone when I get beaten...! They keep telling me not to sound weak!! Every problem in the territory becomes my responsibility!! Why does everyone only do this to me?! Why!! What am I even supposed to do by myself!!”
Though she sounded furious, to me it felt more like she was finally confessing everything that had been crushing her.
Like she was finally spilling the words she had wanted to tell someone all along.
Truthfully, I already knew.
Vivian couldn’t cry or complain to anyone.
I understood because we were similar.
There was no one she could rely on, and honestly... the adults around her were terrifying.
Sure enough, she said it herself.
“T-The adults all look at me with disappointment...! If they hate it so much, then why don’t they do it themselves?! I don’t know how yet! I’m still learning!! I’m trying...!!! Hic...! But there’s not a single person who acknowledges that I’m trying!!”
“...”
“It’s... it’s all because of your family... and now what...? You think I look like I’m living well...?”
Once her anger reached its limit, it dissolved back into tears.
In the dim moonlight, her silhouette sagged weakly.
“...Because of your family... we... hic... sob...”
She cried quietly for a long while again.
It felt as though, along with her tears, she was also losing the strength to keep fighting.
After burning so fiercely, she cooled just as quickly, muttering to herself in a cold voice.
“...I don’t know anymore.”
“...”
“...I don’t know. Why... am I even doing this...? Why do I have to suffer like this because of your family...?”
“...”
“...Why do I have to protect House Rondor...? There isn’t even a single person on my side...”
Hearing her speak weakly even in front of me made it seem as though she had truly reached her limit.
Because of that, I kept finding myself at a loss for words too.
“...I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m scared. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“...”
“...Can’t I come over there too?”
Her earlier words echoed in my head.
Swallowing hard, I asked,
“...So you’re saying you want to die?”
Vivian didn’t answer.
But that silence alone was already answer enough.
A surge of emotion rose inside me, and I spat out the words harshly.
“...Then die.”
This rough way of speaking was still the only way I knew how to talk to Vivian.
I only knew how to speak more harshly, more violently.
Vivian gave no reaction.
As though she had truly made up her mind already.
So I continued.
“That’s right. Nothing’s going to change anytime soon anyway, so just decide quickly. Just like I can’t return home no matter how much I cry about it, neither can you. This is reality. So if it’s too hard to endure... then hurry up and die. I’m sick of watching you sit there crying.”
“...”
I wanted her to get angry and argue back like before.
But she gave no reaction.
It felt like talking to a wall.
“...Haa.”
That feeling irritated me.
The Duchess, Royce Rondor... even I.
We had all agonized so much over Vivian Rondor’s life, yet she herself was trying to throw it away so easily.
The whole thing infuriated me.
So I deliberately said something cruel.
“But Vivian Rondor, there’s one thing you’d better remember clearly. The moment you die... make sure you understand this.”
I bit my lip and steadied myself.
Yeah. If it’s come to this... then I might as well become the villain properly.
“...We trampled your family.”
Vivian’s body froze.
“Your death would only make that fact certain.”
Her reaction exploded instantly afterward.
She grabbed me and slammed me down onto the bed before climbing on top of me.
In the pitch-black darkness, her hands scratched wildly across my face as she desperately searched for my throat.
The moment she found it, her fingers tightened around my neck.
I grabbed her wrists and continued speaking.
“Ghk...! Looking at how weak you are... I can understand your family now. You people were never a match for us from the beginning. Even your mentality is weak.”
“Shut up... shut up!!”
-Plop plop.
Liquid fell onto my face.
I realized it was Vivian’s tears.
“Do you even know what it’s like to live a life so painful you want to die!!”
“I don’t. Ghk...! Because no matter how I think about it, living is still better. I’d never think something as pathetic as dying just because life is hard...!”
“Hic...! Sob!!”
“You’re scared of adults? Then go ahead and collapse. I’ll endure it. I only need to survive five more years. By then, no one will even dare look me in the eye.”
My words were hurting her.
I didn’t care.
“If you want to die, then die. I’ll help you. But don’t forget this. Don’t blame us either. Your death would simply... simply be because you were weak. You’d die as the most pathetic person in House Rondor.”
Through the hands gripping my throat, I could feel Vivian shaking her head violently.
“My family wasn’t weak! And I’m... not like this because I’m weak either...!”
After erupting in furious rage, she answered coldly.
“Fine... if you still don’t understand, then I’ll show you. I’ll teach you what it’s like to live a life more painful than death. I’ll show you the kind of life I’m living too.”
I answered immediately.
“Try it. I could go through a hundred times worse than what you’re suffering and still laugh it off. I’d never cry pathetically like you... pity myself... or think about dying.”
Then Vivian released my throat and violently yanked open the curtains.
Moonlight flooded brightly into the room.
At the same time, she raised her arm and showed it to me.
“Really? Then I’ll start by turning your body into this too—”
But she couldn’t finish her sentence.
Because the moonlight revealed more than just her bruised arms.
It revealed my battered face as well.
One eye was swollen shut.
Cuts covered me everywhere.
One of my molars was gone.
My arms, legs, torso—there wasn’t a single unharmed part of my body.
My shirt was soaked with blood.
Vivian failed to hide her shock.
With trembling eyes, she stared at me.
Bruises left by fists and kicks were on an entirely different level from bruises left by rods.
She could probably guess exactly why I had ended up like this.
After all, it was Vivian herself who had thrown me into the Punishment Corps.
Looking at Vivian, I said,
“This much isn’t enough to shake me.”
It was a lie.
I was shaken.
It hurt.
I wanted to cry too.
But for some reason, I felt like these were the words I had to say to Vivian.
I shoved her away and sat up.
Vivian was pushed back weakly.
“I’m going back home alive.”
I wiped away the tears that had fallen near my eyes.
“So go ahead and interfere as much as you want. Make my life even more miserable than yours. I’ll show you that I can overcome all of it. I’ll prove that you really were weak.”
I looked directly into Vivian’s eyes.
At least one thing was fortunate.
Unlike before, her eyes no longer looked lifeless and drooping.
Now they held something entirely different.
Though perhaps that was only natural after I insulted her dead family.
I climbed down from the bed.
“Then watch me.”
Looking at the speechless Vivian, I continued.
“Watch how I survive...”
Her crimson eyes stared straight through me.
“Watch how I grow stronger...”
As though making a promise, I finished speaking.
“Watch carefully... and see how strong I become.”