Chapter 163: Problem Customers
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 163: Problem Customers
“Two Magic Coffees, please.”
“Sure thing, here you go.”
“…?”
The woman who ordered the takeout stared at me with bewildered eyes as I handed over the coffee just three seconds after she placed her order.
Are you wondering if I gave you pre-made coffee? I did.
Is sincerity really that important in cooking? Taste is what matters. Even fast food is fine as long as it tastes good.
Was the performance of placing it on a table engraved with a magic circle and tapping it with a stick not enough for her?
Yeah, honestly, it’s just a meaningless performance to emphasize the 'Magic' part.
She glanced back and forth between me and the coffee with dissatisfied eyes, as if she had something to say. I simply maintained a silent smile, giving her a look that urged her to take a sip.
The woman furrowed her brows and cautiously took a sip. Her expression froze.
“My god, this coffee…”
Her dissatisfied expression melted away like someone stepping into a hot spring on a freezing day, replaced by a face full of pure bliss.
You know what? You look prettiest when you smile.
When I gave her a knowing wink and pointed a finger at her, the woman gave me a thumbs-up.
Naturally, everyone around saw her reaction. The line for takeout didn't break, and seeing the long queue, more people began to gather—a perfect virtuous cycle.
People were initially shocked by the price of 5 Wits, but seeing the women’s faces light up after a single sip, they joined the line with half-doubting curiosity.
First place is nothing special. At this rate, no booth will be able to beat Black Dragon.
No matter how much Akito relies on his connections, I’ve captured the hearts of women—half the world's population.
Plus, Yukina and Angelica are currently capturing the other half while wearing maid outfits.
Man—should I just start a coffee franchise? I’m about to go bankrupt because of the Whitening Phenomenon elixirs anyway.
Ah, right. I can't source the ingredients.
If I had to pump out enough semen for a whole chain of stores, I’d turn into a mummy within a week, even with the Blood of the Immortal.
Just as I realized it was a pipe dream, Katrina approached as the next customer.
Perhaps because there were people around, she maintained her dignified air as a secretary, but I knew exactly what this woman was like in bed.
Though, of course, we’ve never actually done it in a bed.
“Did you come here personally because I’ve been too busy to visit lately?”
“What on earth are you talking about?”
What do you think? I’m talking about sex.
Katrina glared at me with disgust and told me to just give her the coffee.
“Don't just take it to go; come inside. I can provide you with some excellent service.”
“…Maintain your dignity as a student of Yggdrasil. And I am a busy woman. Give me two of the largest size, including one for Lady Erin.”
Why is she overreacting so much to the word 'service'?
And she’s giving one to Erin? My semen… I mean, my Magic Coffee?
That’s incredibly hot, but… can I handle the consequences if I get caught later?
Feeding coffee spiked with semen to a current 12 Zodiac member, not even a candidate… If I get caught, it won't end with just losing one life.
Katrina watched intently as I tapped the stick against the takeout cups.
She was a member of Erin’s team back in the day, so she must have realized this was a meaningless gesture, right?
As I handed over the two cups while gauging her reaction, Katrina stared at me fixedly.
“There’s been so much talk among the students that I thought there might be something special, but it seems you haven't done anything strange.”
Oh, I did plenty. About… half a teaspoon’s worth?
I maintained my silent smile, and Katrina took a sip of the coffee with an annoyed expression.
First, a look of bliss. And the expression that followed was—horror.
“… …”
Katrina stared at me blankly, looking as shocked as if she had witnessed the end of the world.
She looked at the coffee, then at the happy expressions of the women nearby, and then her gaze returned to me.
…I knew it. Anyone who has tasted my semen knows.
Smile. Just keep smiling.
Katrina, her face full of confusion, tried to say something but hesitated, realizing there were many people around.
“Did… that go into this?”
With a face that asked if I had actually done something so insane, I simply smiled.
“That? What are you referring to?”
“… …”
With a bright face that said, 'I'm so innocent, I don't know anything,' Katrina checked her surroundings and asked through gritted teeth.
“That. You know. Right?”
“It’s a mage’s secret recipe… but nothing dangerous was added.”
A mage’s secret recipe. What a magnificent excuse.
Whether it’s an elixir or anything else, a recipe perfected by an individual mage cannot be pryed into recklessly.
This is even protected by law; even the government is prohibited from coercing an individual over it.
What a wonderful world that respects a mage’s rights. No one can find out what’s in the Magic Coffee.
As long as I call it a mage’s secret recipe, it remains an eternal secret unless I disclose the ingredients myself.
Katrina looked utterly conflicted by this Schrödinger’s Semen—it both was and wasn't there.
But it’s delicious, isn't it?
Katrina, who was about to take another sip instinctively while lost in thought, flinched and glared at me with a scowl.
“Ugh… anyway, I can't give this to Lady Erin. Something like this is…”
“Are you going to drink both yourself because you like it that much? You’re such a greedy one.”
“Ggggh…”
As if my satisfied expression was humiliating, Katrina’s hands trembled. She then whipped her head around and left without even a goodbye.
Man, she’s cute.
The gap between her strict secretary persona and this is just fantastic.
After seeing her off and getting back to work, a large man who looked like a Mafia member stood before me.
“Um… this area is for women only.”
“I know. She’s the one drinking it.”
The Mafia man pointed to the woman beside him.
She wore round glasses and had her hair in a neat braid. She looked intellectual, but her eyes were so large and beautiful that she felt like a celebrity cosplaying as a bookworm.
“Right, then. One cup. Please be aware that men are not allowed to drink it.”
Maybe because I’d gotten used to it over the day, I prepared the coffee skillfully.
But… what gives?
The Mafia man and the woman didn't take their eyes off me.
If it were just the woman, it’d be natural since I’m handsome, but the Mafia man was studying me just as intently.
Are they trying to steal the recipe?
It’ll be hard to copy this.
“Here you go~ Enjoy, and have a happy day at Yggdrasil.”
“… …”
Despite my kind, gentle voice, the Mafia man and the woman didn't even look at the coffee; they just stared at me.
“Customer?”
“Who made this coffee?”
“Uh… I did?”
If I answered, shouldn't there be some kind of reaction?
The Mafia man and the woman continued to stare at me in silence.
Just as my customer service smile was beginning to stiffen, the woman picked up the coffee and turned around.
The Mafia man followed her, but he kept glancing back at me over his shoulder with a dissatisfied look before disappearing into the crowd.
What was that all about?
I felt this when I worked part-time at a convenience store, but there really are a lot of weirdos in the service industry.
If it’s like this for someone as handsome as me, imagine how hard it is for others.
“Yeon-woo, I think you need to go to the hall for a bit.”
“Huh? Is it already time to swap?”
We had set up a separate window so takeout could be handled from outside the booth, and we were supposed to rotate between that and the hall.
Owen scratched his cheek awkwardly.
“Well… it’s not our hall, but the men-only one you need to check on.”
“What? Why?”
“A problem customer.”
“Aha~ Some bastard lost his mind over Yukina’s maid outfit and tried to lay his filthy hands on her, didn't he?”
“…If someone did that to Yukina, wouldn't their wrist have been severed already?”
…True.
No one knows Yukina is from the back alleys, but she’s been at school long enough that everyone knows her personality and what she’s capable of when she’s pissed.
“Ah! So you want me to wipe the blood off the floor? Chores are the Comedy Duo’s job.”
“…Why are you so casual about that? No, that’s not it. There’s a customer making a scene, saying the coffee tastes weird.”
“Wait… did the Magic Coffee go over there?”
If he drank that, I wouldn't be able to look at that man’s face for the rest of my life.
“No, no. If that were the case, he wouldn't be a 'problem customer.' The order went out correctly, but it seems he has a grudge against you…”
I immediately handed the takeout duties to Owen and headed to the men-only hall.
“… …”
“What are you looking at? If you’re going to serve this kind of trash coffee, shouldn't you apologize first?”
Yeah, the moment I heard the word 'grudge,' I knew it would be you.
Aren't you supposed to be at the cotton fields today? I’m sure your white master is waiting for your scythe.
Under-the-Bed sat in an arrogant posture, looking up at me with a smirk.
Coffee was spilled on the floor, and the high-end Hermesh cup we had prepared was being spun around on his dark finger.
Where did that gyaru senior from last time go? This guy has a different woman with him again.
Even though we divided the sections by gender, we couldn't forcibly tear couples or groups apart, so we allowed them into the men-only hall.
“Should I kill him?”
Bukgeuk-jwa, already clutching a stick, glared at Under-the-Bed from beside me, radiating murderous intent.
Kill him? What a terrifying thing to say.
Can't you see the regular customers are getting scared? You’re a maid here.
“Don't fight with the customers.”
“How dare he—my Angelica brought him coffee… and that bastard’s filthy stains are on Angelica’s white, pure apron that no one else has ever touched… Grrr…”
At Bukgeuk-jwa’s fury, I looked at Angelica’s apron.
Near the hem, there was a black speck that was hard to see unless you looked closely.
It probably splashed when that Under-the-Bed prick spilled the coffee on the floor.
And she’s not your Angelica, so stop being greedy.
“My tongue is rotting from this mop water. How are you going to compensate me?”
You bastard, I’m going to take you to the sparring arena and crush you again someday.
I approached him with a beaming smile.
“Customer, was the coffee not to your liking?”
“Customer? You sound fucking hilarious. Did you bring this out for a human to drink? You have no talent, so you run a perverted shop like this. What are you looking at?!”
This prick dares to insult my maids and my gentlemen?
Under-the-Bed made exaggerated gestures, scanning the surroundings.
The regular customers who were there as guests quickly looked away or tried to get up from their seats whenever they made eye contact with him.
“Customer, do you know what the SCC is?”
“Stop bullshitting and give me my compensa—”
“This is the SCC Coffee Introduction Professional Grade Certification!”
I cut him off and proudly pulled out the certificate, showing it to the crowd before slamming it onto his table with a loud thwack.
“What the hell is that, you otaku piece of shit.”
“This is the Barista Professional Grade!”
Thwack—
“Roasting Professional! Sensory Professional! Brewing Professional!”
Thwack— Thwack— Thwack—
Every barista certification I had earned was stacked one by one on Under-the-Bed’s table.
“I’m a barista who earned Professional grades in five different categories. And you’re saying my coffee tastes weird?”
“Anyone can get those—”
“Anyooone~? So, do you have a certification that 'anyone' can get? Do you think earning Professional grades in five categories is a joke? Why don't you go ahead and say earning a Black License is easy too? Are the 12 Zodiacs a joke to you as well?”
“… …”
“And the coffee you all are drinking!”
Cutting him off again, I shouted to the other customers.
“AAA-grade magic fertilizer! Grade 1 mana water! These are coffee beans grown in a 24-hour magic-controlled zone, roasted with the flames of Brutani! This coffee is made with the finest ingredients and the finest techniques.”
It was the truth.
I only learned about coffee after coming here, so I don't know how it was made in my past life, but the coffee served in the men-only hall was made with incredibly expensive raw materials and incredibly expensive methods.
It might not provide the same joy as the Magic Coffee the women were drinking, but anyone who knew anything about coffee couldn't help but be amazed.
“Research is still ongoing, so only women can drink the Magic Coffee! But even so, how could we serve ordinary coffee to the gentlemen who have visited Yggdrasil?!”
To prevent Under-the-Bed from interrupting further, I channeled the spirit of a passionate coffee enthusiast and delivered a fiery speech.
“This is top-tier coffee that costs 10,000G just to produce a single cup. We believed this was the only level appropriate for our guests, and our maids put their blood, sweat, and tears into making it!”
“How can a coffee cost 10,000G?!”
To the shouting Under-the-Bed, I showed him the website of a certain coffee shop.
I said the production cost was 10,000G; the selling price is 50,000G, you idiot. Ever heard of a magic premium?
You might wonder who would drink such a thing, but wealthy enthusiasts are everywhere in the world.
“Tastes vary, and it’s right to respect that. However, calling this coffee 'mop water'… perhaps it’s not that the coffee lacks flavor, but that your palate is simply too low-class?”
“I knew it tasted good for a reason…”
“Hmph, I knew it. This coffee is worthy of my dignity.”
Don't bullshit me. You were just ogling our girls' maid outfits and drinking without knowing a thing.
It was hilarious to see people suddenly acting like experts to impress the girls, but I stayed quiet since public opinion was now entirely on my side.
Is it delicious just because it’s expensive? Is everything made by an expert delicious?
Of course not. Taste is subjective.
For the record, I don't even like coffee. I only drink hot chocolate when I go to cafes.
However, the authority of the certifications and the association, combined with the absurdly high price, gave weight to my nonsense.
“… …”
“It’s actually a relief to hear that your tongue, which can't even distinguish quality, finds it tasteless. If it had suited your palate, I might have had to brew it all over again.”
As I smiled brightly, Under-the-Bed jumped up and grabbed me by the collar.
But you know what? This festival is open to the public, so Yggdrasil is reeeally sensitive about how things go.
I continued to smile brightly and pointed to one side.
“We received a report and came to investigate.”
“Yes, right here. This customer suddenly started causing a scene in our shop. I suspect he intends to interfere throughout the festival with malicious intent, so please ban him from the premises.”
The Student Council immediately took custody of Under-the-Bed, who was still clutching my collar.
He screamed that he hadn't done anything wrong, but his mouth was promptly sealed as he was dragged away. What a pathetic sight.
Goodbye. Let’s never meet again.