Chapter 67
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Translator: penny
Chapter: 67
Chapter Title: Magical Meals Are Always Important
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Magical meals are always important.
I'd come to the cafeteria to eat.
Just like before heading to the Magical Capital Hospital, right on schedule, together with the dorm residents.
Only this time, the menu was different.
"What the hell..."
It was pathetic.
Not because I'm a guy and felt it was lacking—no, it was genuinely pathetic. It wouldn't even satisfy a kindergartener, let alone an adult woman.
The bare minimum for survival.
No, even that seemed a stretch.
Hell, it made the potatoes and rice balls they used to shove at us in the army as "Korean War special meals" look good by comparison. The food situation was that dire.
What the hell had happened?
It wasn't just my impression. Whitey, Sora, and Taisi were openly voicing their dissatisfaction.
"Is it Magical Hardship Week starting today? Magical army grub is already garbage."
"No, but there's literally nothing to eat."
"I thought Magical Buddha's Magical asceticism was banned. What the hell is going on?"
The only one silent amid the crisis was Rez.
Our eyes naturally turned to her. Right on cue, she gave a slight nod.
"Tonight's Magical Average, right?"
With an unexpectedly bright smile.
A brief silence fell.
Then we each chimed in.
"They always say you turn into an idiot every Magical Orgasm, but you actually did?"
"Cut the Magical bullshit already. Even Magical Buddha would get pissed."
"Rez, did you take a Magical Average to the head?"
"Your mom's the one taking Averages, Rez bitch."
Whitey, Octopus, Sora, and me, in that order.
At our icy reactions, Rez looked aggrieved.
"No, tonight really is Magical Average!"
We nodded for her to explain.
Rez let out a deep sigh.
"Ah, of course you wouldn't know. I've been the only one coming to the Magical cafeteria all this time."
This was unexpected.
Me, I'd just returned today, so it was my first time here and naturally I didn't know the situation.
But the others hadn't come to the cafeteria either?
Why were they acting like they had no clue?
I shot a glance at the others, excluding Rez.
"You guys never ate with Rez?"
"Yeah, Rez always said she'd eat separately, so we handled our own meals. But we didn't come to the Magical cafeteria."
"Magical Cathedral food was pretty good, so I ate there for a while. Sora tagged along."
"This girl did something similar, solving meals at the Magical Temple for a bit."
It started making sense.
Rez was obsessed with masturbation, so she'd eat alone. That explained her solo cafeteria visits.
But calling this average? That didn't compute.
Even the surrounding Magical Girls reacted much like Rez. It was pitiful seeing them smile at this level of spread.
"Rez, so why is this normal? When did Magical army grub standards drop this low?"
"Ah, well..."
Rez gave a wry smile and continued.
"Lately, the Magical Quartermaster's been siphoning off too many Magical ingredients, so the Magical meals got skimpy."
"Aha."
In an era with Magical Girls, embezzlement hadn't changed a bit. No surprise—people gonna people.
"Still, this is actually decent. It was way worse before."
"Rez, what the hell happened?"
"The Magical Quartermaster's with Magical Christianity, and last time she pulled that 'Magical Jesus meta' and gave out just four Magical eggs total."
"Four per person?"
"No, for everyone combined."
"Whoa, that's messed up."
But this embezzlement was extreme.
Not only did she ration just four eggs for all these Magical Girls...
"Didn't that Magical Quartermaster get arrested?"
"Heard she got Magical parole after three days."
"Not even the Monster King's underling—how's that possible?"
Arrested, but back in three days.
At Rez's words, I glanced at Whitey.
"Hey, isn't this that Jesus Miracle of the Five Loaves thing?"
"If this was Magical Five Loaves, those twelve Magical baskets would've been filled with our chopped-up corpses, not Magical food."
"Then this is the F*ck You Five Loaves."
Yeah, definitely not the Miracle of the Five Loaves.
At least that one filled people up.
Though whether Jesus actually fed everyone or just made the bill Miracle of the Five Loaves level, who knows.
As Whitey said, calling this Five Loaves would've gotten Jesus torn apart by the crowd before the cross. Jesus in twelve pieces.
Anyway.
The Miracle of the Five Loaves was worlds kinder than what the Quartermaster pulled.
Meanwhile, Whitey couldn't wrap her head around it and grilled Rez.
"No, but how's that even possible? Mess with eating and you should just die."
"She bragged about being super tight with some high-up in Magical Christianity. Like, practically one body."
To sum up.
The Quartermaster Magical Girl was, in every way, Jesus reincarnate.
Pulling insane stunts.
Getting legally punished for it.
Then freed by some higher-up's grace.
And that higher-up was close enough to be "one body."
What else could she be but Jesus?
"So that's why the food's total shit."
"Yep."
How powerful was her backer that she pulled that crap and only got three days?
As I stewed in frustration...
- Thud.
Someone plopped their foot on our table.
Our eyes snapped to the intruder foot. At the end of our gazes stood a Magical Girl.
Rank: Magical Sergeant.
From her uniform, a cook Magical Girl.
"What's with all the complaints?"
Did she think the Quartermaster's power was hers? Or was she just a moron?
She sure talked like a bitch.
What do you expect from a psycho anyway.
Then the cook Magical Girl fired off again.
"Just eat the damn food, you f*cking bitches."
We stared at her in silence.
Then, in the heavy quiet, Octopus suddenly burst into admiration.
"Wow, first time back in ages and the Magical cafeteria's Magical service has improved."
The cook Magical Girl twisted her lips.
"What the hell? Whatever, just eat f*ckin'—"
"Sending a free Magical call girl right on meal time—what service."
"No! F*ck! Who're you calling what?"
Her face contorted at Octopus's follow-up.
But whether the target raged or not, Octopus just tilted her head.
"If putting legs on a Magical dinner table isn't a Magical call girl, what is?"
"Ha, you little shit."
The cook clenched her fist, face scrunched in fury.
But she didn't escalate.
Instead, she spat a question.
"Hey... what the hell are you doing?"
Not at Octopus, but Sora and Whitey.
"You toss money at Magical call girls. Magical common sense in America."
"Yeah, do some Magical twerking."
Sora and Whitey were showering the cook with cash.
More precisely, hurling it at her face.
Bills? Nah, coins.
In other words, pelting her with metal chunks.
Each coin hit rang out like steel on steel—clang! clang!
The cook ground her teeth and finally drew her magic wand.
"You really wanna di—!"
"Oh."
"Kyaa, kyaack! What the f*ck is with this crazy bitch!!!"
She flinched back in shock.
The cause? Rez.
Peering at the cook's lower half.
"It's white."
"W-Why the hell are you looking?!"
Impressive in multiple ways.
Checking the cook's panties in such a tense moment.
"But why isn't the back white?"
"Sh-Shut the f*ck up!!!"
She'd inspected it thoroughly, the maniac.
"It's fine. Even unwashed, I can handle it. My Magical tolerance range is pretty wide."
"It's just hairy down there, you f*cking bitch!"
Thanks to that, the skimpy meal felt plenty filling.
Appetite killer—learned something I didn't want to know.
"Hey, what's with all the commotion?"
Then a voice cut in.
Turning, we saw a veteran Magical Girl. Her armband showed a fairly high officer rank.
"Q-Quartermaster ma'am!"
"What happened?"
"Well, you see!"
Per the cook's address, this was probably the Magical Quartermaster.
Having heard the story from the cook, the Quartermaster turned to us.
"Everyone seems unhappy with the Magical menu."
Her mouth curved in a gentle smile.
But her eyes weren't smiling at all.
"Then why don't you 'speak freely' for once."
She leaned in close, locking eyes with us one by one.
"Speak up. Freely. Huh? Go on."
Glared murderously, intensely.
"You must have something to say. Right?"
Unable to withstand the Quartermaster's pressure—or maybe knowing our ranks couldn't match—we stayed shut.
Not hard to understand.
She had real power.
Voicing complaints wouldn't be easy.
Hence the silence.
"No? Then shut up and eat, you shits."
As Magical Girls protecting their jobs, defending their turf came first.
"I have something to say."
Not that it mattered to me.
What truly mattered was elsewhere.
"...Hey, why are you talking down to me?"
"You said speak freely."
"..."
How the hell were all these people idiots?
I speak freely when told to, and they all flip out. Do Magical Girls not get what "freely" means?
So frustrating.
The army was better than Magical Girls.
Once the division commander told me to speak freely, I called him by name right away, and he didn't bitch like these girls.
Just laughed it off.
A real gentleman's gentleman.
Name... forgotten, but I clearly remember becoming friends that day.
Of course, rank difference meant I kept minimal respect. I'm A-rank, not trash—had to.
Didn't cause much trouble. Just arm-in-arm drinking, stole his hat and wore it.
Vaguely recall the two-star hat felt surprisingly comfy.
Anyway.
In the army, follow orders faithfully and no complaints. Everyone but me was dumb, but they had basic lines.
Magical Girls? Even perfect obedience, they nitpick endlessly.
Definitely psychos.
But for now, no choice. Sane one like me has to endure.
Had to say the one truly important thing.
"Who made the kimchi?"
"What...? Hah..."
"No sighing—answer. Who made the kimchi? You personally?"
"I made the Magical kimchi myself. So what."
Honestly, I could tolerate most of it.
Skimpy?
Even if portions sucked, it was passable.
Compared to my otherworld days, this was gourmet.
Tasteless?
Not unbearable.
Otherworld, ate literal "anything"—this at least looked like food.
But.
"This kimchi is f*cking atrociously made."
This kimchi? Unforgivable.
"If anyone asks what it is, don't say kimchi—say you accidentally served the trash you meant to toss."
This wasn't kimchi.
Trash in kimchi disguise.
"Calling this kimchi is why China claims paocai is original, bitching on."
Any normal Korean would rage. Worst kimchi I'd ever tasted, hands down.
Then it hit me.
"Wait, no. I went too far."
Got too heated.
My bad.
Had to own it.
"Even a Chinese person wouldn't call this paocai."
They have taste buds—this insults Chinese culture.
"Don't give this away free, f*ck."
Taste was dire.
A starving homeless guy would chuck it; North Korean defector would flee back north; hell, worse than otherworld slop, even briefly.
"Got it?"
"Hey!!!"
The Quartermaster raised her voice.
"If Magical cooking looks that easy!!!"
Grabbed my collar.
"Then you try it!!!"
Spouting nonsense.
"We will now commence the Magical Cooking Contest! All Magical Girls, please prepare!"
"F*ck."
And that's how I ended up in this ridiculous spot.