As a Truer Self
When he'd attended his first awards ceremony, he'd only known the handful of people who had worked on the same project. Now there were familiar faces everywhere he looked.
Actors he'd been introduced to through Kwon Min-jae or Moon Chang-min, people he'd crossed paths with at after-parties, even a variety show host or two he'd met during drama promotions.
"Jay, it's been a while since the awards after-party."
"How have you been?"
Yoon Jay greeted each person who came up to him with an easy smile. He was getting a firsthand lesson in just how small this industry really was. It wasn't only the actors, either — familiar faces kept popping up among the on-set crew as well.
"Jay."
"Writer Im."
"I hear you're shooting a film these days. You're not planning to stick to movies only, are you?"
"The film's only my first, actually. And for the record, I'm watching your drama faithfully."
"Faithfully, you say?"
Im Hyun-hee, the writer of Along Along, pounced on the opening without a moment's hesitation.
"I'll send you the synopsis for my next project, so take a look once filming wraps. It's an original story of mine..."
She hadn't given up on casting Yoon Jay as her lead, and he accepted the offer with genuine gratitude.
Writer Im worried that Yoon Jay might settle permanently into the film industry, but the truth was he had every intention of working across both film and television, so long as a scenario gripped him.
"Hello there."
"Oh — hello."
Other ceremonies seated guests by production, but this one simply had assigned seats. Yoon Jay offered a greeting to the person beside him as he settled into his own.
"You seem pretty nervous."
"I am. It's my first Baeksan Arts Awards, so..."
"Mine too."
"Really?"
Only then did his neighbor turn to look at him, and their eyes widened slightly at his face. Had this been last year, there wouldn't have been a single person in the country who didn't recognize him — he'd caused a full-blown syndrome the moment he debuted.
"I'm Yoon Jay."
"Ah, I'm..."
"Kang Ha-jun, right? Best New Actor nominee in the film category."
"Yes."
Kang Ha-jun looked startled that Yoon Jay knew his name. It hadn't been difficult. He'd been bored on the way here and memorized the entire list of attendees.
"I enjoyed your film. Feel free to call me hyung — you're two years younger than me."
"C-can I really?"
Kang Ha-jun had already been shrinking into himself, not knowing a soul in the room. But with Yoon Jay approaching him first and acting so warm, the tension drained out of his shoulders.
He stole a glance at Yoon Jay. They had debuted around the same time, and yet Yoon Jay radiated an effortless composure he couldn't begin to match.
Come to think of it, there are no rookies in my circle at all.
Setting the Yoon Jae-hee era aside entirely, he didn't know a single person who had debuted last year. Which was exactly why he wanted to get to know someone who had started out at the same point he had.
Besides, he'd found Kang Ha-jun's film genuinely memorable. A lead role in an independent feature — the work itself had been strong, and so had Kang Ha-jun's performance.
"So you trained as an idol first, then switched to acting?"
"Yeah. I went through a mountain of auditions after that."
"Do you happen to know my younger brother, by any chance?"
"Hmm... I know the kids in that group. Yoo Jihyuk — he was a trainee from way back, practically a kid."
"Is that right?"
A surprisingly tangled connection, it turned out. Before several minutes of conversation could pass, with a dozen threads of talk weaving around them, the ceremony began.
The opening performance of the first half featured Flava, Yoon Do-hwa's group — and since Yoon Jay watching his twin's performance had already become a minor talking point at previous ceremonies, the cameras once again refused to let it go.
Yoon Jay gave a light laugh at the camera that refused to leave his side.
"The Best New Actor in Television goes to..."
A split screen of the nominees flashed across the monitors behind the stage. Yoon Jay's face was among them. The presenter called out the winner's name.
(Yoon Jay made his debut through the drama 'Along Along,' electrifying the screen with his explosive presence as the tyrant and elevating the show's immersive power.)
The voice introducing him rang through the hall. Yoon Jay mounted the podium with light steps.
"Hello. I'm Yoon Jay."
A single line, and a cheer rose from the audience. The most visible were the people he'd grown close to on set — the casts of Along Along and Daldongne.
And that was only the beginning. There was Moon Chang-min, Kwon Min-jae, and Baek Da-eun as well.
"First, I'd like to thank the production team of Along Along for giving such an unproven rookie this opportunity. And to my family, who never stop making me a better person..."
Yoon Jay was slowly sinking beneath the water again. He had lived his whole life burying a painful past beneath a relatively presentable mask. It had been enough to get through the day-to-day.
But he couldn't keep living while holding his breath like this. Once he learned that acting could let him breathe it out, he had thrashed his way toward the surface — and left great ripples in his wake. So sometimes the mask he'd layered on cracked, and it hurt.
"And finally... I will keep striving, so that one day I may stand on this stage again as a truer self. Thank you."
Perhaps that was why his words came out a little sentimental tonight. Anyone who knew Yoon Jay's real identity would understand that this was a veiled confession about his past. If he could shed the tangled emotions knotted around that past and rise to his feet in full view of everyone — then, someday...
But the viewers watching the ceremony let the remark pass without a second thought. It had been delivered so casually, so much in passing, that it hardly seemed meant for anyone.
"Congratulations."
"Thank you."
Yoon Jay took home the trophy, but Kang Ha-jun's name was never called for the film category's Best New Actor. Once the camera finally moved on from him, he said with a hollow little laugh:
"Honestly, just being nominated was already a gift."
"It is."
It was a fairly prestigious ceremony — commercial and independent films, theater and musicals, terrestrial, cable, and streaming, all folded into a single night of awards. A nomination alone would do his career good.
"But you know how the heart works... it never settles, does it?"
"Once the thing you thought impossible actually happens, you start wanting more than that."
"Exactly. I'm a little disappointed, I'll admit."
"There'll be another chance."
Truthfully, Yoon Jay felt nothing much about winning awards. He carried none of the resentment — no bitterness that trophies had torn his family apart and ruined his childhood — and yet he wasn't purely delighted, either. But for someone else, this night had been a desperately longed-for opportunity.
I get the feeling our paths will cross again.
Yoon Jay had always been fortunate in the people he met, and he was a shrewd judge of who among them would be good for him. And Kang Ha-jun had made a very good first impression. He was a fine actor, too — surely the day would come when they'd face each other in the same production.
"Hyung, it was great meeting you today."
"Same here."
The ceremony had ended, and the crowd was drifting toward the exits. Winners gathered separately for a group photo. Yoon Jay caught Kang Ha-jun just as he was about to leave and they exchanged numbers.
"Let's meet here again sometime. Or on a set, if nothing else."
Whether those words offered some small comfort or not, Kang Ha-jun's expression brightened. Someone who had watched Yoon Jay ask for Kang Ha-jun's number first approached him.
"Um..."
"Yes?"
"You dropped this."
Not mine, though... Still, Yoon Jay accepted the small card the person held out. He flipped it over with practiced ease — and sure enough, a phone number was written on the back. The technique was a little transparent. He'd been on the receiving end of this particular maneuver far too many times in his life.
The audience hasn't even fully filed out yet...
Given the venue, all he could do was roll his eyes sideways for a glance at the person who'd handed it over. They were smiling shyly, watching him check the number.
The words Yoon Do-jun had said came back to him suddenly — from when he'd walked his first-timer older brother through everything, tip by tip.
Was it simply an idol's fate? It pained him a little that his brother had to be so hyperaware of other people's gazes, down to the tiniest details — but the advice had proven its worth more than once.
He was grateful for the courage it had taken to hand the card over, but he was never going to call that number. He couldn't toss it back in the giver's face, either, so for now he simply slipped it into the inner pocket of his jacket. With the audience hall at his back, no one would be the wiser.
"Jay."
Amid the dispersing crowd of photo-takers, Moon Chang-min called out to him.
"You come too."
"Where to?"
"Just a cozy little after-party, us folks."
Yoon Jay stole a look at the group that had gathered behind Moon Chang-min. Mostly film industry people, Kwon Min-jae among them — and an impressive roster it was. Most of them were holding trophies in their hands, too.
"Come on. Everyone but me is an old geezer, so I need you there."
"All right."
"I heard the 'old geezer' part, you know."
Moon Chang-min shot Kwon Min-jae a glare.
The place they found was a bar near the ceremony venue — and while the "old geezer" label may have applied to some, the age range was actually all over the map. There were a few women as well: Im Hyun-hee, the writer of Along Along; Park Seo-ah; and Lee Hyein, who had played the civil servant Kang Subin alongside him in Daldongne.
"...Almost everything on here is spicy."
"Right. You can't handle spicy food, can you?"
"I can just order something else."
Yoon Jay's gaze drifted over the menu — and locked onto the kids' special. Am I actually allowed to order this?
"You're seriously going to eat that?"
"Yes."
"God, I'd love to see that, but — hold on, wait. Boss!"
Moon Chang-min decided that while a hulking, door-sized man cradling children's tableware would have been a delightful sight, he would do the boy the favor of preserving his social dignity.
In truth, Yoon Jay had been through it before at another restaurant, so he wasn't particularly opposed. The menu was nothing but spicy dishes, which was why he'd picked it — and Lee Seo-won, witnessing the choice, had to fight down a laugh.
"You don't have to go out of your way on my account..."
"Nonsense, this place is my regular spot. You can order whatever you want, even if it's not on the menu."
The price was an autograph for the owner. Looking at the wall crammed with flashy signatures and photos, this was clearly a hallowed venue for eternal after-parties.
"Jay, it's been too long."
"Director."
"When are you going to start calling me noona?"
The drinking table warmed up without any effort. There were plenty of familiar faces, and with careers as illustrious as these, the evening doubled as a gold mine of advice.
"How did the 'go with the flow' plan work out?"
"Still deciding, honestly."
"I hope it goes well for you. Your acting in 'Daldongne' back then was truly something."
Yoon Jay clinked glasses lightly with Lee Hyein — and felt the attention of the table settle on him.
"And who's this young man?"
Most of the room was film industry, so many of them still didn't know Yoon Jay by sight.
"Nice to meet you, noona. I'm Yoon Jay."
"The one who took the television New Actor award earlier...?"
"He's good. We're working on a film together, actually."
"You? In a film?"
At Moon Chang-min's explanation, an intrigued gleam lit Director Park Jae-yoon's eyes.
"You're the one who played the cult leader in 'The Garden of Evil,' aren't you?"
"That's me."
"The tone and the atmosphere were so different, I couldn't place you."
His face was handsome enough to be recognized at a glance, yet the connection hadn't clicked at all. Baek Jin-ri had seemed like a man profoundly, irretrievably unhinged — while the Yoon Jay before him was composed and impeccable in his manners.
And all of that was acting...
If he couldn't summon the memory on the spot, that was precisely why. The director's gaze lingered on Yoon Jay. Then, after some time mingling with the group, Yoon Jay stepped away for a moment — and froze in front of the television.
(BREAKING) Urgent Announcement from the White House
"Excuse me... may I turn the volume up?"
"Go ahead."
Yoon Jay stared at the screen, arms crossed, his expression grave.
(The White House is expected to make a major announcement in roughly ten minutes. Local experts speculate that it may concern the elimination of LIS's leadership.)
(Since Operation Shadow of the Lion in 2016, in which the US military eliminated Assad Yasin Qadir — a core LIS operative and the organization's deputy leader...)
So this was the good news John had spoken of. Yoon Jay didn't budge from the television, arms still folded.