I'm Not So Sure I'll Be Okay

"I'm not so sure about that."

Even though the director was only making a brief special cameo appearance, he kept offering this direction and that, so Yoon Jay peppered him with questions of his own in return.

"So, does Assistant Manager Oh hate Park Shin-hwa?"

"He hates him, but it's not exactly loathing. More like, 'that sly bastard kissed up his way to a promotion because his instincts are terrifyingly sharp' — but at the same time, he kind of wants to brag that the guy was his recruit cohort."

Apparently, the reason the legendary employee got name-dropped so much was that Assistant Manager Oh Ji-wan, stuck at his rank for a decade, had nothing else to brag about. So in Oh Ji-wan's flashback scenes, Jay deliberately played Park Shin-hwa that much more insufferably, that much more exaggeratedly.

"Wow, you pulled that off so smoothly."

"That little wobble in the middle was great — felt so real. Did you do that on purpose?"

At the director's and the staff's remarks, Yoon Jay gave a small nod.

It was something I thought of on the spot. Glad it landed.

He was thankful this director liked ad-libs. But there were surely directors out there who wanted acting carved to the script and the blocking, second by second, so he'd have to read each director's style going forward and adjust accordingly.

"Honestly, you were even better than I expected."

"Thank you."

"I mean it — that's not flattery. Yesterday too, and now this..."

The faint touch of madness in his eyes had settled into calm, as if it had never been there at all.

Kwon Min-jae and Baek Da-eun came out of the meeting room and found themselves staring at Yoon Jay. For some reason, they couldn't tear their eyes away. There was something about him — something achingly familiar...

"Then I'll head in."

"Go on. You've worked incredibly hard today."

Having finished his share of the filming, Yoon Jay bowed his head slightly and turned to go.

"Ah... it'd be such a waste to cut him here."

The director stared fixedly at Jay's retreating back. He'd gotten far more mileage out of him than expected. At this rate, the audience reaction was a foregone conclusion...

The very next day after Yoon Jay and his half-siblings appeared on the variety show, the highly anticipated first episode of Big Company People aired. A famous director-writer duo, with leads played by Kwon Min-jae and Baek Da-eun — two of the top actors of their thirties. From the opening minutes, crowds had already gathered in front of their TVs.

Ever since the promotion phase, the drama had ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠drawn enormous attention with its bombshell announcement of a special cameo appearance. He was a rookie who had just wrapped his first project, appearing out of nowhere, and plenty of viewers still didn't know who he was — but bit by bit, they found themselves falling for the character of Park Shin-hwa, and for the sight of Yoon Jay slipping into him like a second skin.

"CEO Lee, what do you say? Any chance?"

"Oh, come on. If we book him for anything more, our Director Kwak will collapse into a sickbed."

In truth, since Jay's next project hadn't even been decided yet, there was plenty of time to spare. But he had to push back at least once. Besides, Yoon Jay might already have lost interest.

"If he'd just appear one more time, that'd be plenty... we wouldn't dream of asking for anything beyond that."

"See, that's why I told you not to shoot him so well. And writer-nim, how could you hang that kind of backstory on a one-off character? I told you to stop making such good use of him, didn't I?"

Granted, that was thanks to their actor, who had devoured the role whole — but it was also necessary to keep the other side hungry. At Lee Seo-won's flattery, the director and the writer chuckled softly on the other end of the line.

"Anyway, CEO Lee — we'll be counting on you."

"It's a tiny appearance, really. Just a sliver — maybe the part where he finally claims a seat among the executives later on."

"Hmm, I'd have to check his schedule first. Still, don't get your hopes up too much."

After a few more exchanges, the call ended. In the seat beside him, Managing Director Kwak Dohyun was scrolling through articles on his tablet.

Good reception. At this rate, he might pull off another stunt even after The Garden of Evil drops.

"By the way, CEO-nim — you're really pushing both of those projects?"

"If the actor says he wants to do them, you let him."

"Hmm... you think the image will hold up?"

"An image can be rebuilt anytime once the next project hits big. We haven't been at this for even a day and a half, have we?"

"Easy for you to say, CEO-nim."

The problem is Na-na — I mean, Da-hyun. Kwak Dohyun sighed. He was already agonizing over how to slice up the schedule if both projects overlapped.

"CEO-nim, we're here."

"Oh, Jin-woo's here. And Jay, have a seat over here."

"Good evening, everyone."

After manager Han Jin-woo, Yoon Jay stepped into the room — and from a corner of the table came a strangled gulp of air. It was Marketing Team Leader Lee Da-hyun.

"Team Leader Lee Da-hyun, you were here too. How have you been?"

"Ah — yes. Fine."

Da-hyun answered stiffly, but inside, all hell was breaking loose. What do I do! He remembers my name! I'm going to die!

"What's with the sudden ice queen act? Putting on airs, or just nervous?"

"Director-nim!"

Which was why Kwak Dohyun couldn't resist teasing her.

"Thank you for being a fan."

"I... well. Yes."

"Da-hyun, ask him for a photo later, why don't you."

"Yesthirthankyouferymuchsir......"

Da-hyun clenched her jaw so hard it ached. Laughter erupted around the table. Beyond them, the entire staff of Astra was in attendance — the core people Lee Seo-won had brought over from his previous company, along with the employees hired for this new venture.

"In any case — tonight, at this dinner, I expect each of you to leave a meaningful dent in my bank balance."

"We love you, CEO-nim!"

"Let's eat well!"

The employees, naturally, wanted nothing to do with sitting near the CEO — so the seat beside him went to Yoon Jay instead.

Da-hyun stole a glance at him. Maybe it was because she'd just watched the smooth-talking Deputy Head Park Shin-hwa on screen, but this — this calm, quiet man — somehow felt discordant with that persona. That just meant he'd acted that well, didn't it?

"There's been a lot of noise around you lately, but that won't be happening anymore."

"I'm fine with it, honestly. Trying to block it might only make things louder."

Still, he thought, internet culture had matured compared to the old days. Back then there were no lawsuits, no anything — just a battlefield of every slur imaginable.

His mother, seeing the child reading all of it, had ripped the cord out of the wall and gotten rid of the computer entirely so he could never again sneak a look at what people said about him. Not that it stopped the knives that flew at him in the real world.

"How's Min-jae doing? I mentioned privately that I'd love for the two of you to get closer."

"He's... doing well. He's grown into a fine man."

"Haha! Not quite at your level, but yes, he has."

He'd almost said, he's grown up so much. Just as Kwon Min-jae remembered Yoon Jae-hee, Yoon Jay remembered him too. The way he'd been crumbling under obsessive attention and malice. The time he'd had to go home without filming a single ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠scene.

"Jae-hee. Let's go."

"...Okay."

His mother had been furious at the staff who treated the child so carelessly, but she'd never let it show in front of him. She'd simply comforted him, promising they'd go home and eat something delicious.

"Min-jae. You can do this, right?"

"Ah, honestly... we ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠should've just called Jae-hee instead."

Before being led by that hand into the car, Kwon Min-jae had stood surrounded by adults. You'll be different, won't you? You have to be different. Under the weight of those expectations, he had nodded in silence.

I hate being like this too.

Kwon Min-jae held no resentment toward him. He simply regretted that his body wouldn't obey him when all he wanted was to act in front of a camera.

And now, this shard of the past surfacing again was making him feel strangely off-balance. If I'd kept acting... would we have become friends?

"Whenever you have time, come out somewhere with me."

"You mean... the, um, the gathering?"

"You know about it, don't you, Jay? Ah, right — Min-jae must have told you."

"Yes. We message each other often."

"You've already exchanged numbers?"

That's not like him with someone he's just met, is it? He went through something rough when he was young — he doesn't trust people easily... Lee Seo-won felt a flicker of puzzlement, but quickly changed the subject.

"I read the projects Jay picked. But why those two, of all things? Not a single one of the films I flagged."

"I read those too."

"Then do one of them. It'd be the perfect chance for Jay to show off his specialty, as it happens."

The production budget was astronomical — the kind Lee Seo-won had marked separately — and the cast under positive consideration was stacked as well.

"Will there be explosion scenes, by any chance?"

"Probably? That director's a stickler for realism, so..."

"Then I'll need to think it over before I can say."

"Take your time. The scripts aren't even finished yet."

"Hmm..."

Yoon Jay hesitated for a moment. But these were people who needed to know.

"I'm not certain I'd be okay with it."

"What do you mean?"

"I have trauma. From being deployed in a combat zone, you see."

He laid out his circumstances as flatly as if he were talking about someone else. And precisely because of that, it landed all the harder.

The air around their table alone turned heavy — enough that Da-hyun, tucked away in the corner, strained her ears to listen.

"Ah... well, it has been quite a while since your discharge, hasn't it?"

"Does it still affect you? Ah — so it's an open question, then?"

"Yes. I'll have to find out."

His abilities had been recognized from the very start, and he'd been thrown into operation after operation. In the process came more injuries than he could count, people he couldn't save, and comrades he'd had to bury. So after his discharge, he'd had a rough time of it.

Just when he thought he'd barely overcome it, an incident triggered everything all over again — and he'd been laboring to hide the fallout ever since. The way an actor performs a role: layering the years when his mind was whole over the wreckage beneath.

"I'm sorry I didn't mention it sooner."

"Oh, no, don't apologize. You couldn't have known, right? It might turn out to be less of a problem than you think."

"It's hard to admit your own weaknesses. I understand."

Feeling he'd soured the mood for nothing, Yoon Jay deliberately steered the conversation elsewhere — to how often people recognized him on the street, to talk of his fan club.

"Is rain in the forecast today?"

"No? I haven't heard anything like that..."

Yoon Jay turned his head toward the window. His body ached, deep and throbbing.

"I think it's coming soon."

◇◇◇◆◇◇◇

"We'll head in first."

"Already? What a shame."

"I'm sure the CEO will set another table for us next time."

At Yoon Jay's reply, the employees turned to the CEO and cheered. And once he'd hailed a taxi and vanished from view, the staff — the women especially — began to groan in lamentation.

"He is seriously handsome."

"How does a man like that still exist without being a celebrity..."

"He was off fighting fires in America, remember?"

"I wish ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠he'd put out the fire in my heart while he was at it."

"AH! Da-hyun! What kind of line is that!"

Well, well. So this is a keyboard warrior... no wait, a mouth warrior, isn't it. Kwak Dohyun shook his head and clinked glasses with Lee Seo-won.

"Jin-woo, how's Jay treating you? No diva act now that he's blown up?"

"Hyung-nim's exactly the same as always. He takes such good care of me, it's almost embarrassing."

"Goodness. Humble on top of everything else."

But it's about to rain — is it okay to send hyung-nim off alone? Han Jin-woo worried quietly. He'd told him to stay and enjoy the dinner longer, but Jay had said he'd manage on his own, so he'd let him go...

"Did you see the drama behind-the-scenes clips? His foreign languages were incredible."

"And on the variety show? The quick thinking, looking after his little siblings like that — mmwah, chef's kiss."

"That man is the real deal, through and through."

"Even the rumors about him were such strange rumors..."

Just as the staff were savoring the afterglow, an alert chimed on Lee Da-hyun's phone. She'd set keyword notifications to catch sudden developments the moment they broke.

There's sweat dripping off that post, isn't there?

W-wait. Isn't that the kind of thing people post when something bad happens? Da-hyun swallowed hard and tapped the post open.