Episode 16
The imperial princess taught me many things, as though it truly didn’t matter to her even if I grew to hate the fact that I didn’t want to die.
“This painting, for instance, is by an artist who never managed to take on a disciple until the end of his life. It carries his determination to leave in as little as possible and still turn his skill into a textbook of his own making.”
“Or maybe he was just angry and mocking everyone else for not being able to paint like this?”
“Ahaha! That could be it!”
As promised, she began with painting.
“There’s an orchestra in the city today. Let’s go together.”
“Am I allowed to go out?”
“Do I look like some invalid who can’t move without sitting in a wheelchair? A healer from Blium will come along, so don’t worry and just follow me.”
She taught me about music too, which I could at least understand since it belonged to the same broad field of performance.
“Actually, I prefer food you eat right off the street like this.”
“Out of nowhere?”
“If you think about the roots of the Poltia Empire, this is actually more authentic than sitting down at a table. The founding monarch of Poltia was originally an adventurer, after all. Ah, and take this, Princess. It isn’t strongly flavored, so you can eat plenty.”
She even taught me about food, which was, frankly, irrelevant.
With her lovely smile, she strolled through the streets as if it were the most natural thing in the world, telling me this and that, and every time I learned something from the imperial princess, I felt something in my chest begin to churn.
It was faintly like jealousy, something I had once forgotten, yet at the same time it was fundamentally different.
I didn’t understand it.
Wouldn’t she answer if I asked the imperial princess, who was teaching me everything?
And yet whenever I stood before her, I couldn’t bring myself to ask.
What if she didn’t answer? What if the princess was disappointed in me? What if, once I heard the answer, I changed somehow?
It wasn’t that I no longer wanted to die.
Even after spending two full seasons at the princess’s side and learning so much, I still wanted to die.
Not in the ruinous way I had before, not with the thought of killing others to get there, but I no longer wanted to think at all. I wanted to fall asleep quietly and never wake up again.
It wasn’t that I was clawing at death for some special, tragic reason like everyone else. It was just the natural thing to do. Like taking trash out and recycling whatever could be reused, I only wanted to use my life to save a beautiful person.
And yet, no matter whether I still desired death or not, I couldn’t ask about this churning feeling that came over me every time I looked at the princess.
It seemed, in the end, that I was a coward.
“Huu, shall we stop here for today?”
“...I don’t mind exercise, but do we really have to make it a sword duel?”
“Because I like it.”
“I see.”
It was another day spent turning that fact over in my mind.
The princess set the sword back on its rack, then, as always, completely unconcerned with sweat or blood or any such thing, pulled me onto her lap. I let out a sigh at her behavior.
“Why do you insist on putting me on your lap?”
I had given up on sitting beside her.
No matter what she said, she would put me next to her, and no matter what I said, she would never take back that unreasonable habit.
But the reason she always seated me on her lap was something I could never understand.
It wasn’t enough to say she was a lesbian—my body was simply too full of problems for that kind of desire to be possible.
First, my body was that of a ten-year-old child. Second, my arms and legs were ruined, disgusting things that constantly oozed blood, serous fluid, and pus. Third, although I had gained quite a bit of weight from eating more than before, my body was still terribly gaunt because of the curse.
If someone felt sexual desire looking at a body like this, then there was something wrong with their mind.
And the princess did not have that sort of mental illness.
“Because I like cute girls, that’s why I do it.”
...Or so I assumed.
“What nonsense.”
“No, you really are quite cute. If I only looked at your face, anyway. These days you’ve filled out too, so your cheeks are softer. Very nice to hold.”
“... ”
“Pfft, I’m joking. The reason is that you’re the strongest one here, and the one with the most medical knowledge.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. You’re the most medically knowledgeable person here, so I rely on you for first aid. Besides, if I were in love with you, wouldn’t that be pedophilia?”
“Well, if you only loved me, I imagine the diagnosis would be a bit different.”
The princess burst out laughing and patted my head.
She nodded, saying that there was a clear difference between liking children and simply continuing to like one person who had once been a child by coincidence, then added in a slightly aggrieved tone, “Besides, I’d say I’m the one who made the sexual preferences of my younger siblings.”
“What?”
“It’s better to keep the imperial bloodline small. But if you completely block romance, it could become impossible to arrange political marriages, so we just train them to end up homosexual. I’ve always had that tendency myself, of course.”
“...Isn’t that supposed to be a secret of the royal family? Are you really allowed to tell me this?”
“It’s the kind of thing all the senior officials probably already know. Why would there be any reason to keep it a secret?”
“Really?”
“When they turn twenty, they’re asked outright. Whether their tastes were shaped by this kind of education, and if they want, they can still be matched with someone of the opposite sex.”
“No one objects?”
“It isn’t forced brainwashing or anything like that. It just means exposing them to it often, and pairing them with teachers who already have same-sex lovers. Capable, incredibly attractive teachers in their twenties or thirties.”
The princess asked whether I knew that the younger the child, the stronger their worship of appearance tended to be.
With a slightly wicked smile, she said that when a beautiful, desirable person is happily together with a same-sex lover, children can’t make sound judgments and fall for the whole thing in one go. Even the Eighth Princess we had seen before, by now, was probably wavering after seeing her teacher talking with her lover.
“Maybe even you’re wavering right now.”
“You can’t say things like that and expect me not to—”
“It’s not a joke. My first love was a female knight who taught me swordsmanship. If someone like me presses close without a hint of distance, wouldn’t you start thinking such things?”
“...”
The princess was overflowing with confidence, openly flaunting her own beauty.
If anyone else had said such a thing, it would have sounded unbearably arrogant, even ridiculous, but because it came from the princess, it somehow felt like it might actually be true.
And yet such feelings were reserved for people with futures, for people born to be loved.
They were not allowed to me, who had been born unloved in both of my lives. They were not emotions someone with two and a half years left to live was entitled to hold on to.
Such feelings would only make me hesitate.
“Princess. Why do you act as though you don’t care whether I avoid death at all?”
“Hm?”
“When you ask whether I don’t feel affection for you, and when you keep taking such care of me like this, it all feels like you’re simply hoping I won’t kill myself. Why, exactly? Are you just toying with me?”
The words came out sharper than I intended.
No matter how much the princess said things that sounded like she was playing with me, it wasn’t good for me to react like this.
Only belatedly did that thought occur to me. I averted my eyes, but the words had already spilled out, and even the princess’s smile had vanished.
When I saw her face, I finally recalled what I’d said and covered my mouth.
I shouldn’t have reacted so harshly.
To be honest, it was irritating that the princess kept teaching me emotions and all of this as though she wanted me to live. But all of it was for the sake of making me kill myself.
It was like some rite of passage for someone who had never killed a person to finally do so by their own will, and if anything, I was supposed to help her.
And yet here I was, snapping at her like that.
If things turned sour, she would never be able to persuade me to die.
“...I, I’m sorry. That was, um, impulsive.”
Once words have been spoken, there’s no taking them back.
So I apologized belatedly, and the princess, as though she weren’t angry at all, carefully rubbed my back. Then she met my eyes and smiled with narrowed, crescent-shaped eyes.
“Hm, Princess.”
“Yes?”
“Are you jealous?”
“...Your Highness.”
“Pfft, that was a joke. More importantly, Princess—if you’re not busy tomorrow, shall we go on a date?”
“What?”
“They’re holding a festival in the streets, you know. Something about the Princess’s birthday, and all that. I’d like to go on a date together. What would I have to do to make you say yes?”
The princess smiled with her eyes as she confessed, then told me to go out and play with her tomorrow.
At that sight, so many words surged up my throat they nearly burst right through it.
There were words of anger, asking if she was making a fool of me. There were sneering words asking whether I could even go outside the ducal residence in this body. There were words asking whether people would suspect my tastes if I walked around with her. Words, words, words, words, words, words.
So many things battered against my throat that it felt as though I’d swallowed a mouthful of sand...
“It’ll be fun, Princess.”
“...Yes.”
And yet, more suffocating than all of that was the way her smile, her voice, could shake me with a single glance, and a single word.
I let out one sigh after another, and when the princess set me down beside her and stood up, I gathered myself and followed behind her.
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