Better Off Not Saying It
I rubbed my eyes again and again, unable to believe what I was seeing.
No matter how hard I rubbed or how much I tried to deny that this was real, the text message still held my gaze captive.
Come over to my place? Out of nowhere?
What on earth would make Shin Yujin send me a message like this?
[Why?]
[Shin Yujin: It's urgent.]
[What's so urgent? You have to tell me that before I decide whether to go or not.]
[Shin Yujin: Just come first. It's seriously urgent.]
[If you don't explain the situation, there's no reason for me to go.]
[Shin Yujin: Can't you just come over?]
The fact that she kept asking me to come despite my reaction suggested something urgent really had come up.
But what did that have to do with me?
We only needed to act close in front of our friends anyway.
I was about to ignore Shin Yujin's texts and put my phone down when—
-Vrrrr! Vrrrr!
This time, she was calling.
“What?”
“Come over already!! How many times do I have to say it?”
“Hey, you have to tell me why you want me to come before I'll actually go.”
“Ah, it's seriously fucking urgent. Hurry up and get over here.”
“That's not enough reason for me to—”
“I'll buy you charcoal-grilled tteokgalbi if you come.”
“I'm on my way. Wait for me.”
Honestly, I couldn't turn down tteokgalbi. How could I?
There was a place near campus famous for its tteokgalbi that I loved so much I'd go five times a week. The juicy meat and that smoky charcoal aroma were absolutely incredible.
So if she was offering to buy me charcoal-grilled tteokgalbi, it was worth going to Shin Yujin's place even if I didn't know the exact reason.
Even though Shin Yujin hadn't told me her address, my feet naturally carried me there.
Of course I knew the way. I'd practically lived there like it was my own home back in our college days.
When I arrived at Shin Yujin's house, I naturally punched in the door lock code and walked right in.
“Hey, Shin Yujin.”
“…What the hell. How do you know the door lock code?”
“It'd be weirder if I didn't know it.”
“Ah, I guess that's true. Anyway, follow me.”
My head was full of questions about why she'd called me over when the scene before my eyes unfolded.
The lights were off, a chair placed underneath, and traces that looked like someone had attempted something.
Don't tell me she called me over just to change a lightbulb?
“Change the lightbulb for me. I got up on the chair but I still couldn't reach.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Does it look like I'm kidding? Hurry up and change it. I said I'd buy you charcoal-grilled tteokgalbi, didn't I?”
“Hey, you made me come all the way here—thirty minutes away—for this?”
“What can I do? You're the only guy I know around here.”
“What about Hyungseop… Ah, right, I only met him after graduation.”
“Anyway, I'm counting on you.”
With those words, Shin Yujin disappeared into her room.
Since I'd already come this far, there was no point in turning back now. If I could get charcoal-grilled tteokgalbi in exchange for changing one lightbulb, that was a pretty good deal.
I let out a deep sigh, climbed onto the chair, and easily replaced the bulb.
“Hey, Shin Yujin. I'm done.”
“Okay, thanks for the hard work.”
“Buy me the charcoal-grilled tteokgalbi.”
“I'll get it for you later at dinner.”
Well, I'd just eaten ramen, so even if she'd offered right then, I wouldn't have been able to fully enjoy the tteokgalbi anyway.
There were still about four hours until dinner.
What was I supposed to do for four hours? Maybe I should go home and come back later.
Playing games didn't sound fun, and going to a PC bang didn't appeal either. There was no real reason for me to stick around at Shin Yujin's place, so—
“Then I'm heading out. I'll come back for dinner later.”
“Sure, go ahead.”
We exchanged goodbyes without even looking at each other before I left Shin Yujin's house.
I'd wondered if she might suggest I just stay, but of course that didn't happen.
She probably hated being in the same space as me too.
If we stayed together, we'd just end up fighting about the past anyway.
-Vrrrr! Vrrrr!
On my way home, my phone rang. It was Hojin calling.
He should have been on a date with Kim Yerim right now.
“Yeah, what's up?”
“Are you free tonight?”
“Out of the blue?”
“I was thinking the four of us could have dinner together.”
The four of us probably meant me, Shin Yujin, Kim Yerim, and himself.
“Yerim said she's curious how well you two are getting along. I am too.”
“Actually, we already made plans to eat dinner together.”
“Really? What are you eating?”
“Charcoal-grilled tteokgalbi. Shin Yujin… Yujin said she'd buy it. I changed a flickering bulb at her place for her.”
“It's been a while since you two met again, but you're still using her full name? How does that work?”
“Anyway. Just come there.”
“Got it.”
At first I'd been worried about hiding the dinner plans with Shin Yujin, but saying it like this would probably make it seem like we were getting along well.
I had to keep showing that fake friendly side even during dinner. This might be a bit annoying. Maybe I should just eat quickly and leave.
I was relaxing at home reading a book when dinner time arrived. Shin Yujin called me.
“Come out.”
“You left the house?”
“I'm in front of your place.”
“What?”
“Your house is closer to the restaurant anyway. Why would you come all the way to my place just to go back?”
“Well, that's true. Wait a sec. I'll throw on some clothes and come out.”
If Hojin heard this phone conversation, he'd probably think we'd known each other longer than he and I had.
Just like Shin Yujin, I could only speak in this stiff tone, which created this kind of atmosphere.
We both knew exactly what kind of future would unfold if we started treating each other warmly.
When I got dressed and went outside, I saw Shin Yujin standing in front of my house.
Even though we'd spent so much time together, her current appearance felt awkward to me.
Her looks could only be described as pure and innocent, and her long brown hair seemed to emphasize that purity even more.
Objectively speaking, she had the kind of appearance that would be considered beautiful.
Of course, the Shin Yujin from fourteen years later was beautiful too.
I was staring without realizing it when our eyes met.
“If you've come out, at least acknowledge me. Why are you just staring?”
“Can't I look?”
“Ah, is that it? You're so stunned by how pretty I am that you can't help but stare.”
“…I should've replaced your brain instead of the lightbulb.”
“I know. Honestly, even I think I was insanely pretty at twenty.”
Back when we were dating and even in the early days of our marriage, Shin Yujin had never been like this.
I couldn't help but wonder what had turned her into this.
“Dealing with students who have such filthy mouths all day makes being back in college feel completely new.”
It seemed society itself had shaped her this way.
That's why they say everyone gets twisted once they enter the real world.
“Let's go. The others are waiting.”
“Hey, Han Yuchan. I've got one question.”
“What is it?”
“Do you have a girl you like?”
“As if.”
“Then how about a girl you think is okay?”
“None. Why are you asking that?”
“Just because. If there was one, and she had the exact same style as me, I figured it might feel a bit weird.”
Shin Yujin's single comment brought my steps to a halt.
The phrase "might feel a bit weird" naturally echoed in my head as I tried to figure out what exactly would feel weird about it.
I found myself staring at Shin Yujin's back as she walked ahead of me.
She continued walking with completely ordinary steps, as if nothing was wrong.
Maybe I was overthinking this too much.
Just like how Shin Yujin hated me and I hated Shin Yujin.
I didn't think there was any deeper meaning behind it.
When we arrived at the tteokgalbi restaurant, Kim Yerim and Hojin were nowhere to be seen even though it was time for our reservation.
“Where are you guys?”
“We're on our way now. Traffic is a bit bad, so we'll probably be about ten minutes late.”
“Got it.”
After confirming they were running late, we sat down first and ordered the tteokgalbi.
Four servings of charcoal-grilled tteokgalbi, soju, beer, and even cider for Kim Yerim who couldn't handle alcohol well.
“They're late?”
“Yeah, about ten minutes.”
“They should get here right when the tteokgalbi comes out.”
We were waiting while eating the side dishes that came out first.
At that moment, a rather large figure passed by my side. Out of curiosity, I glanced around to see where it had gone.
It turned out to be a woman.
She was taller than me with proportions that would make her look like a model without any exaggeration.
“Why? Did that woman who just walked by catch your eye?”
“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”
“You were staring.”
“I've told you before, not every time a guy looks at a woman is because he's interested in her.”
“Then why were you looking?”
“Because she's tall. She's taller than me.”
“Just for that? Isn't it because you like women with that kind of style?”
It seemed she'd found something to tease me about. A faint smile wouldn't leave the corners of Shin Yujin's mouth.
In times like this, it was best to just ignore her and let it slide.
“If you like women like that, you should've just married someone like that.”
I was trying to ignore her without giving her any attention when a comment I absolutely couldn't let slide reached my ears.
I didn't know what Shin Yujin meant by saying that, but that one remark had definitely struck a nerve.
“Why the hell would you say something like that?”
“What? You said it first. That you didn't understand why you married me.”
“That was—! …Forget it. Better off not saying it.”
“So it's okay when you say it, but not when I do?”
“Let's just stay quiet. The others aren't here anyway, so there's no need to talk.”
“Explain yourself properly. Anyone would think your tone meant something.”
“Hey, Shin Yujin!!”
“What does yelling change?!”
The emotions that had surged up in an instant got the better of me and I ended up shouting.
Once the gazes that had briefly focused on us disappeared, I barely managed to collect myself and let out a deep sigh.
As expected, nothing had changed between then and now.
In the end, the same things just kept repeating.