The Weight of Responsibility and Role
My life had always been like this.
From the time I was a child, I never expected to be so different.
I remembered myself in those days as far more restless, the type who ran wild and did whatever felt right in the moment.
But my parents absolutely hated that side of me.
I was a child who needed too much attention.
Impulsive and doing exactly what I wanted, whenever I wanted.
An unlikely child to come from such elegant and proper parents.
My parents, who had come from a family of politicians and legal professionals, wanted to raise me like them.
“Yuri-ya. Everyone needs ambition.”
“Always restrain yourself, endure, and keep your eyes on the top. That’s how you help Mom and Dad.”
“Where did you learn such rude manners? And no running. Walk nicely. With dignity.”
“Just because you want something doesn’t mean you can do it. Stop.”
They never wanted their daughter to become a burden on their career.
And they wanted a child who would think rationally and hard work for others to be proud of, just like them.
So I chose to kill my natural self.
I liked candy, but never ate sweets.
I loved pretty clothes, even if they were a little short, but I always wore long skirts.
When everyone else shortened their skirts, I never touched them.
I studied hard and registered for every academy my parents told me to attend.
That was how my life became completely empty of any rest, nothing but endless pain and endurance.
Yet I still did it.
Why?
“Yeah. That’s the way a child from our family should be.”
It was the only way for my parents to love me.
The only way for me to receive praise.
When I became top of the class, my parents gave me a small gift.
When I became class president, they told me I was amazing.
When I became student council president, they said I might one day become a great leader like my father.
“Endurance is a virtue. The more I suppress what I want, the happier my parents are.”
The more I endured and showed the world a perfect face,
my parents looked at me with pride.
Even if it wasn’t what I truly wanted.
From such a young age I had learned that desires had to be endured.
So scolding me was only natural.
If I couldn’t restrain myself and fell into greed, then someone had to be strict with me.
Just like my parents always did.
At least if no one else did it, I had to do it to myself.
But then.
“Well, that’s not always possible. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a person too. You get tired and need sleep, right?”
A somewhat unusual person suddenly appeared in front of me.
I don’t know how to describe it, but he seemed… irresponsible somehow.
Suddenly Seon Woo-hyun started speaking so casually.
“Honestly, you don’t have enough resting time.”
“…”
“I don’t know all the details, but I can guess. You go to a bunch of academies, right? Even on weekends, so you barely have any time left.”
“…”
“And now you’re telling me you’re student council president too? You’d need ten bodies to handle that much, you know.”
Of course it was true.
I always lived like I was being chased by everything.
Solve this, then that one comes, then another, and another. Endless problems and non-stop running.
At school I kept smiling brightly, but my heart was completely drained.
Every now and then I envied people who seemed to live so peacefully, like him.
He looked like he could live without thinking about anything at all.
But I couldn’t.
Because I was the mayor’s daughter in Yeonseong City.
I never resented it.
Instead, it was my pride and joy.
So to protect my name, to become the proud daughter my parents wanted,
I thought it was only natural to suffer like this.
“That’s right. I have to. It’s my responsibility…”
Our situations were different.
He probably couldn’t understand me.
“Yeah. Responsibility and role are important. I know that too.”
“…”
“But people have to sleep and live, don’t they? How many hours did you sleep last night?”
“About four?”
“Every single day like that?”
“I sleep a little less.”
“Sigh. You’re just like me.”
Just like me?
Did he have this kind of experience too?
Recalling how he used to sleep through class without a care made me think it was impossible for him.
Seon Woo-hyun suddenly stood up and walked straight to the door.
What was he doing?
I watched in a daze as he reached for the switch beside the door and flicked the lights off.
The room plunged into darkness in an instant.
Then he moved to the window, pulled down the blinds, and blocked every last trace of sunlight.
“…”
“What are you doing?”
Coming back to my side, he firmly pressed my head down onto the desk just like before.
“Anyway, today’s lesson is over. Go back to sleep.”
“Huh? No, even if there’s a little time left, I should—”
“What about me sleeping? If I sleep, you’ll be left alone to study?”
I stared blankly at Seon Woo-hyun’s bizarre action.
And he simply lay down on the desk as he said.
“Really going to sleep?”
“Yeah. I’m going to sleep. When we were our age, not sleeping properly meant serious trouble later. We’re not kids anymore.”
My height was already full-grown.
He was making completely unreasonable excuses.
I still had no idea why he was doing this.
Was he trying to put me to sleep?
“I just woke up and I’m not even sleepy.”
“Then at least close your eyes and rest. We have to go to the academy after this anyway.”
“…”
“It’s fine. You can rest. We’ll just count it as today’s class. No one’s watching you now, so relax and sleep comfortably.”
Relax and sleep without anyone watching?
For some reason the words felt strangely unfamiliar.
Thinking about it, there had always been people around me.
Drivers, academy teachers, private tutors, the housekeeper auntie, and my parents.
They all helped me, but in a way they were also watching me.
Making sure I wasn’t being lazy, that I wasn’t slacking.
There was always a pair of eyes following me.
“Woo-hyun, if this is because of me, then it’s really okay…”
“No. I’m sleepy. I only slept for one and a half hours by myself.”
“Ah…”
“And did you know? Yuri?”
“What…?”
“Your under-eye circles are really bad. So just sleep.”
His words made me want to check my face right away.
In the dark room with the lights off, I had somehow fallen asleep again.
Cute little sleeping breaths filled the lecture hall.
…She must have been really tired.
The heavy makeup hid the dark circles, but the complexion, the expression, and the atmosphere all told the same story.
It was obvious her fatigue had piled up massively.
Honestly, I wasn’t even sleepy at all.
But I pretended to be.
Because if I didn’t sleep, she would have forced herself to finish the remaining class time.
I knew that.
That she was living a life that was truly hard.
But actually doing this and seeing her sleep here made the reality hit me hard.
…What exactly was that thing called responsibility?
Looking at her, a wave of pity washed over me.
It felt like looking at my own past self.
Of course the direction might have been different, but I had also sacrificed my entire youth on responsibility.
While she was trying to meet her parents’ expectations,
I had sacrificed everything to pay off my parents’ debt.
I definitely wanted to play and rest too.
I wanted to game and laugh without a care, just like the kids my age.
But reality was cold and unforgiving, and working from dawn left me with no energy even for rest.
So seeing her, a mere eighteen-year-old girl, carrying the weight of an entire family’s responsibilities made me feel truly sorry for her.
Was it too heavy a burden for someone so young?
Of course I couldn’t predict her whole life, but if she continued like this, she would definitely end up regretting it like I did.
…But that didn’t mean I could do anything.
After all, I was just one student.
Her family was nothing to me.
I couldn’t barge into her home and scold her for living like this.
I knew that telling her she shouldn’t live like that and would regret it later wouldn’t change anything.
Because there were many things in this world that could not be moved by heart or passion alone.
“All I can do is this.”
Just let her rest without anyone watching when she was this tired.
Make sure the girl who had never slept properly because she was always rushing around got even thirty minutes of rest.
That was all.
It might have been a shallow kind of self-satisfaction, but still.
“Still, she needs to sleep.”
After nine years of working in the factory, I learned that not sleeping made a person’s soul feel heavy.
When I was working and my thoughts went dark, that was exactly when I couldn’t even sleep.
So why was I doing this?
At least to make sure her life didn’t collapse, I had to compensate for the lack of sleep.
Anyway, our cluster’s progress was fast.
Yuri said her speed had almost doubled compared to last year.
So resting a little wouldn’t cause any problems.
…Maybe it would be better to keep doing this.
I was already inside my head, planning ways to use cluster time to let her rest more in the future.