Something I Don't Have
I sat on the sofa wearing a comfortable hoodie, quite different from the clothes I’d first worn. It was one of the outfits Harri noona had bought for me, and I loved how her faint scent lingered on the fabric.
Ah, that was delicious.
I’d just finished lunch, and noona was an excellent cook. The deep, rich flavor of her doenjang jjigae made me want to eat it every single day.
Slurp.
Harri noona, sitting right beside me, sipped her coffee with perfect posture. The way she drank so naturally made her look like a noble from the Middle Ages. With her fashion sense, her perfect grades, and her cooking skills, what exactly couldn’t she do?
“Why?”
When our eyes met, she tilted her head and asked.
“Nothing. I was just looking at you because you’re beautiful.”
“Hehe. Thank you. You seem to have finished digesting—shall we start studying soon?”
“Sure, why not?”
We’d arrived at her place around 9:30, and now it was already 12:30. The time had been joyful and happy, but we really needed to get to the books.
“Let’s go to the study.”
“Okay.”
Squeeze.
The moment I stood up from the sofa, Harri noona naturally took my hand, and we arrived at the study together. I set my bag on the desk and pulled out my textbook, glasses, and writing utensils—everything I’d need.
“What book did you bring?”
“Basic Concepts of Business Administration.”
I had a few others, but I planned to focus on this one today.
“Really? Ask me anything if you don’t understand. I’ll just read something light.”
“Got it.”
While she stepped away to pick out her own book, I pressed a hand to my chest.
…She’s way too close.
I’d tried to act calm, but sitting even nearer than we had on the sofa made her scent stronger and my heart pound violently.
“Hoo…”
I let out a light breath and put on my glasses. I was determined to concentrate as much as possible. I wasn’t confident I could, though.
The moment Harri noona looked at me, my focus would blur. Still, I had to try.
Scratch, scratch.
I began studying, drawing lines with my pencil.
“…”
Before long, I could feel Harri noona—who had returned with her book—staring intently at me from right beside me.
Scratch, scratch.
I kept studying, deliberately avoiding her gaze. About twenty minutes passed like that.
“…Why do you keep staring at me?”
I finally asked, looking at her. She was still watching only me. Harri noona rested her chin on one hand and gazed at me with those devastating eyes.
“Because the way you concentrate on studying is so cool. I couldn’t stop watching.”
We were studying under the study lamp since the rest of the room was dark, and her red eyes shimmered with a dreamy glow like sunset.
“Do you have a question?”
“…Not yet.”
“Then keep studying.”
She waved her hand as if to say not to mind her and gave me a playful smile. How was I supposed to not mind her?
“Noona, how tall are you?”
Her long, slender limbs made me curious about her height, so I asked to change the mood a little.
“Me? I’m definitely over 170 cm.”
“That’s really tall.”
“Come on, you’re taller, Yeonwoo. Aren’t you 185?”
“…How did you know?”
“Just a feeling.”
“…That’s amazing.”
Impressed, I nodded and turned back to my book—only to run into a section I didn’t understand at all.
“Noona, can you explain this to me?”
“Of course. What is it?”
“This part—the first paragraph.”
Harri noona leaned in even closer, tucking her hair behind her ear.
“Ah, that’s… In business administration…”
“…”
She explained the part I’d asked about in detail, choosing words I could easily understand. But I couldn’t focus at all. My eyes had been captured by the elegant line of her neck when she’d tucked her hair back.
“…So this is… Yeonwoo-ya?”
“Y-yes?”
Harri noona gave me a mischievous smile and tied her hair back with a ribbon that had been lying nearby. It was as if she were telling me to look. She was deliberately showing off her pure-white neck.
Squeeze.
“How is it?”
“…Beautiful.”
“You’re supposed to focus when the teacher is talking, you know?”
“…Yes.”
It felt strangely surreal, like I was really receiving private tutoring. She continued her serious explanation, but with her sitting so close, her gentle voice, the occasional glimpse of her neck, and those brilliant ruby eyes sparkling under the lamp light… I nearly died trying to suppress my fluttering heart and stay focused.
“Good work.”
Harri noona spoke softly and stroked my hair.
“You worked harder, noona.”
She had explained things to me nonstop for a full five hours.
“Not at all. Listening to completely unfamiliar material for five hours is incredibly tiring.”
Even if she said that, I was sure she’d worked harder, explaining everything from start to finish with such patience.
“I should get going now.”
“Yeah…”
It was already 5:30. Her appointment was at six, so it was time for me to leave. I felt reluctant, but she had an important engagement.
“I wish I could go with you, have dinner together, and drive you home, but time is tight.”
“…Noona, you have a car?”
“Yeah. I do.”
…Well, of course. She lived in a place like this; it made sense she’d have a car. Once I thought about it that way, it didn’t surprise me.
“That’s too bad.”
“I’ll give you a ride next time.”
Harri noona stood up.
“Wait here while I change. Get ready to head out.”
“Okay.”
She left the study to change, and I packed my glasses, textbook, and writing tools back into my bag. There wasn’t much, so I finished quickly. I went out to the living room, sat on the sofa, and waited for her.
Maybe I’ll check my phone for a bit.
The moment I took out my phone, an alarm went off.
“Hello? Yeonwoo-ya. I heard you were discharged?”
“…”
Why was she calling all of a sudden? It didn’t feel right to just sit there guessing, so I answered.
“…Hello?”
“Hello? Yeonwoo-ya. You got discharged, right?”
“Yes, noona. It’s been a little while.”
Yoon Seolah. Twenty-four years old. She was someone I’d had a bit of a connection with before I enlisted. I’d been planning to contact her soon anyway, so the timing was perfect.
“Your hair’s gotten really long, huh?”
“Yeah. Long enough that I need to cut it.”
“Want to start working again?”
“Work?”
“Yeah. The boss asked if we should bring you back.”
“I’d love to make money.”
“Then I’ll send you the address. Come by tomorrow at one.”
“Got it.”
“See you~”
Click.
The call ended, and as if she’d been waiting for the exact moment, Harri noona came out of the dressing room.
“Who were you talking to?”
At the end of her gaze stood Harri noona in a sharp suit, smiling leisurely.
“…Just someone I know.”
I felt strangely guilty for talking on the phone with someone who wasn’t even my girlfriend. We really weren’t anything. She already had a boyfriend, after all.
“I see. Shall we go?”
“…Yes.”
Her words felt like they were signaling the end of today, and it made me incredibly sad. Still, today wasn’t truly the end.
Squeeze.
Feeling her take my hand, I matched her steps and followed. Just a little. The way Harri noona led me had become faintly, almost imperceptibly familiar. Like time was rewinding, I held her hand, put on my shoes, and stepped out the front door.
Then I noticed something different from when I’d arrived.
“Noona. I’m still wearing the hoodie.”
“Oh, you are?”
“Should I go change?”
“Mm. No need. I’ll give it back to you next time we meet. Just wear it home today.”
“Okay.”
While we were riding the elevator down, I wanted to ask her something.
“Noona, is there anything you can’t do?”
“Hm? Something I can’t do?”
“Yeah. You seem good at everything.”
“Well… I’m not sure what I can’t do, but there is one thing I don’t have.”
“What is it?”
At my question, Harri noona stared straight into both of my eyes.
“…”
“…”
We looked at each other in silence, saying nothing. It felt like opening Pandora’s box. A faint desire shimmered in her gaze. I thought I knew what that desire was, but I couldn’t be certain, so I hesitated.
1st floor.
We kept staring into each other’s eyes until we reached the first floor. We walked all the way to the entrance of the apartment complex without saying a word. It was an odd feeling—awkward yet exciting at the same time.
“Noona, I’ll head out first.”
“Okay. See you next time, Yeonwoo-ya.”
I was about to leave after just saying goodbye when something about it felt unfinished, so I turned back. Harri noona smiled with her eyes and mouthed something.
Expect it?
At first I didn’t understand. She mouthed it once, twice, then several times like a whisper until I finally got it.
Look forward to it.
That’s what Harri noona had said to me. The moment I realized it, she waved and headed toward the parking lot.
“…”
I didn’t know what I was supposed to look forward to. Thinking about it now, maybe she meant tomorrow—Sunday, the day she usually told me to anticipate?
I walked home, thinking about what she wanted me to look forward to and everything that had happened today. The fifteen-minute walk took me thirty minutes. By the time I got home, it was late evening.
I thought about calling Harri noona, who should be finished with her appointment and back home by now, but my hand froze.
[Shin Hari sunbae]
The saved name felt too stiff. I decided to change it. From Shin Hari sunbae to Harri noona. It made me keenly aware that our relationship had changed.
I could call her with just one press of a button. But I couldn’t think of anything to say, so in the end I never pressed it.
Suddenly, I remembered what she had started to say in the elevator.
Something I don’t have…
I had one too. A heart like an impregnable fortress that no one had ever been able to knock on. Harri noona’s heart. I wanted to have it.
If what noona was about to say…
was the same as mine. If this wasn’t just my delusion. If the feeling I’d caught a glimpse of was real.
“…Haha.”
Just imagining it made me happy. It was a night when I hoped our hearts were perfectly in sync.