My Return - 4
Since it was a matter of survival, the deliberation was short.
Tell them.
There was no other choice. Digging in my heels when I was already completely exposed would be no different from drawing a perforated line across my own neck and inviting them to tear it off.
Even when someone only has a hunch, it grates if they think you're lying. Denying it when they already hold hard evidence? I'd probably take Beatrix's Thunderbolt at point-blank range. That would be a worse crisis than fighting Dorgon. At least with Dorgon I could counterattack.
This might be my last chance. The last chance to confess with my own mouth and avoid having my soul threshed clean.
It's still all right.
Yes, it wasn't too late. Even though I hadn't mentioned joining the battle or the injuries when I contacted them by communication orb, this was the first time we were face-to-face.
If I said it had been important enough that I wanted to tell them in person rather than through an orb, I could somehow survive. Logically it had a few holes, but it was still within the realm of the believable.
"Let's just stay like this for a while. When club time comes, we can head to the clubroom."
While my thoughts raced, my mouth moved naturally. Separate from the indirect pressure, it was true that I was meeting Mar and Beatrix again after a long time.
Later I should call Erzebet and Penelia to the president's office as well. If I'd known it would turn out like this, I would have brought them from the start.
"Um, Karl… would it be all right if I came to the clubroom today too?"
As I patted both of their backs, Mar carefully spoke up. She seemed to want to stay together the entire day.
Even with my survival instincts fully engaged, the request was so heartwarming that a smile rose on its own. This wasn't even a request—I would have accepted it gladly if she had simply informed me.
"Of course. It would be best if we spent the whole day together."
"Thank you."
Seeing Mar beam made me even more content. No wonder the First Duke of Valenti proudly called her the treasure of the house.
"I'm fine at night as well, so I'll leave the door open."
Looking at that smile, I couldn't help adding an unnecessary remark. How was anyone supposed to hold back when she looked so pure?
"Y-yes? Wh-what?"
It must have been an attack she never imagined; Mar, who had been smiling brightly, stammered as if her soul had left her body. Her face turned as red as her hair—clearly the shock was greater than I expected.
Satisfying. Mar's offense wasn't particularly strong, but her defense was just as weak. This was the Mar I knew.
"If it would be inconvenient for you to come, I could go to Mar's room—"
"N-no! It's fine! I-it's not inconvenient, but—th-that sort of thing should wait until later!"
Watching Mar fluster and make such a peculiar refusal, Beatrix let out a small laugh. And "later," she said—so she did harbor at least a little desire in her heart.
"Little one. Then would it be all right if I went as well?"
"It's fi—"
"No!"
Mar hurriedly cut off a joke that anyone could hear was a joke, and I burst out laughing again. This was fun. Laughing like this finally made it feel real that everything was over.
…It was fun, yet thinking of it as the last happiness I could enjoy before confessing the truth made me feel like crying.
Soothing a sulking Mar was hard work. As a duke's daughter she had never been teased, so of course she had no resistance. And it was only natural she would feel wronged if the lover she had finally reunited with started with pranks.
I don't think teasing someone is a good deed, but I don't regret it either. Even if I went back to the past, I'm certain I would still tease Mar the moment I saw her.
"I'm sorry, Mar. I was so happy to see you that I just wanted to talk with you a little longer."
"There were plenty of other topics…"
"It's true that I want to spend the whole day with you."
At those words, Mar, who had been sitting on my lap, quietly lowered her gaze. Teasing aside, the fact that I wanted to be with her seemed to please her. Unfortunately I had rarely spoken to Mar in such concrete terms before.
Thinking back, my past self was quite something. For a lover, my expressions of affection had been far too sparse. Even if there had been a knot of pain in my chest, it had been excessive.
"And in a few months we'll be officially married, so I thought we should at least practice living in the same room."
After a brief hesitation I whispered it into Mar's ear. The affection I hadn't shown until now I would simply show twice over from now on. Even if onlookers got goosebumps, as long as the lovers were happy that was enough.
"Th-that doesn't need practicing."
Mar's shoulders trembled for an instant as she answered softly. Still, her voice was brighter than before; the word "marriage" seemed to have soothed her hurt feelings.
I should say it often from now on.
As I said earlier, the wedding was only a few months away, so there would be plenty of chances to speak.
I intended to marry Mar as soon as she graduated, so as a student she wouldn't be leading the wedding preparations—I would—but there were still parts where the bride's opinion was essential. We would inevitably talk often.
"I'll keep that in mind."
With that small resolution I pressed a kiss to Mar's forehead. Of all my lovers, Mar had suffered the most in her heart; I would prepare the finest wedding for her. I would pour so much care into it that even her father would give a standing ovation.
Well, if necessary I could always ask Mother or the wet nurse for advice. As people who had already been married, they would know a bride's wedding fantasies well and would carefully point out whatever I missed.
"Karl, wait a moment."
"Yes?"
Just as I was vowing that even if the sky fell I would never ask my aunt for advice, Mar's lips touched my cheek.
"Until now I've only been receiving. I wanted to give something back too."
Her expression was full of embarrassment, but from the receiving end it was pure emotion. Penelia nearly fainted from a mere brush of the lips, yet Mar could counterattack like this.
I felt like crying. Was this the dignity of the first wife?
No—maybe Penelia was just especially weak.
"I should step out for a little while."
Ah.
And because the two of us had been showing too much affection in front of a third person, Beatrix spoke with a sulky face.
That had been too much. Even if it was to soothe Mar, I had presented a scene that could easily be misunderstood as favoritism.
"Nonsense. Today we stay stuck together."
Smiling, I patted the seat beside me, and Beatrix quickly came over and sat—
on my empty knee.
"Um, Beatrix?"
"What is it?"
Seeing Beatrix answer primly with slightly flushed cheeks, my mouth closed again. This was clearly an expression of affection that had taken her considerable courage.
"Nothing. You just smell nice."
So I changed what I had been about to say. Being harsh to someone who had mustered courage was not proper. And she really did smell nice.
"I-is that so? That's good."
I didn't know what was good about it, but the improvisation seemed acceptable. As long as she was happy, that was enough.
Now.
Only after settling Mar and Beatrix on both of my knees did conviction settle in. This pink atmosphere that had somehow formed—if I confessed at this timing, I could reduce ten scoldings down to about three.
"Sitting like this really makes it feel like I've come back. I'm glad I could return without any wounds."
The moment I opened the subject myself, two pairs of eyes locked onto me. Their gazes seemed to say, We never expected you to bring that up first.
For an instant the urge to take it back rose, but I held it down.
If not now, there would be no next time.
Things had gone wrong.
"Just what is the meaning of this!"
A roar thick with rage and tears pierced my ears. Even the head lady-in-waiting standing behind my wife kept her head down, reading the room; the lady's fury was that fierce.
Things had gone wrong—far too wrong. It was something I could never hide forever, so I had planned to choose the right moment and tell her, yet through my wife's information network she had learned that Karl had taken part in the fighting. I had underestimated the connections of the mistress of House Crassius, who was also a daughter of the Wise Duke.
"I was told—I was clearly told he would not join the battle! I let him go believing that!"
"M-my lady, that—"
The moment I hurriedly opened my mouth, my wife fixed me with a sharp glare. It was a look that scolded, You dare make excuses in front of me?
For a while she stared with trembling eyes, then let out a small sigh and spoke in a quieter voice that held even denser emotion.
"I can understand that Karl… that child joined the battle. He went to save you, Billy, so of course I understand. Because of Karl you came back alive, so I'm even glad."
"My lady…"
"Quiet."
Moved by her saying she was glad I was safe, I had opened my mouth, only to shut it at once. I had failed to read the atmosphere.
Looking at me with even colder eyes, my wife murmured weakly.
"It's natural for a son to fight to save his father. But why did that child stand at the very front? Why did he fight the enemy leader himself and even get hurt?"
After muttering for a long time that she couldn't understand, she finally could not hold back her emotions and burst into tears.
I had nothing I could say. Only yesterday she had teared up with joy at the news that Karl had returned safely. She had been happy hearing he would soon come to the domain with Erich.
That same wife was now shedding tears—from the sorrow that her son had been hurt without her knowing, and from the betrayal that her husband had hidden it.
What in the world can I say?
This was my sin. Karl hiding his injury from his mother could be seen as "a son's wish not to worry her." But my silence became "a husband concealing his child's affairs."
A son's somewhat twisted filial piety versus a husband's silence. Of course the latter was more shocking. That was why I could not bring myself to make excuses or even apologize to her.
"I'm sorry, my lady. I should have told you sooner, but I feared the shock it would give you, so I said nothing."
Still, I opened my mouth. Meeting a disaster born of silence with more silence would be dreadful.
"I understand your worry and sorrow. I am that child's father as well—of course I do."
Perhaps thanks to the shared ground that we were both Karl's parents, the resentment on my wife's face faded a little.
Thank goodness. She seemed willing to listen.
"I also wished Karl could have stayed somewhere safe. But that child said he wanted to finish with his own hands the matter left unfinished three years ago, that he wanted to settle that grudge, and insisted on going himself—how was I to stop him?"
"Finish… it…?"
My sobbing wife finally managed a voice. When Karl's participation had first been decided, he had told her about the North in order to persuade her after she collapsed from crying—the grief he had suffered there, the pain of leaving friends and a lover behind.
She had simply not known that the way to resolve that grief and pain was battle. When Karl persuaded her he had avoided explaining the Heaven-Defier or Dorgon as much as possible.
"There was someone who was as good as a sworn enemy to that child. A being he had wanted to bring down with his own hands."
At those words my wife silently bowed her head. A wise woman like her would have grasped the situation well enough from what I had just said.
Because her head was lowered, tears fell drop by drop onto the back of her hand, yet the sound of her weeping gradually grew smaller. Understanding the situation Karl had faced had lessened her resentment and sorrow.
I carefully added more for that wife of mine. Giving her only negative news would be too cruel.
"Even so, Karl won splendidly. He brought down the leader and delivered victory to the Empire. Though he suffered the injury of having an arm cut off, it has been perfectly treat—"
"What was cut off?"
…
Huh?
"An arm… was cut off?"
My wife's aura turned ferocious again. Behind her, the head lady-in-waiting's eyes went round in shock as she covered her mouth.
Surely… surely she had known only that he was injured and not where?
"You hid an injury like that?"
Damn it.
A mistake. Because she knew about the participation and the injury, I had assumed she knew everything.
When I closed my mouth again, my wife glared at me for a long time before delivering her verdict in a low voice.
"Billy. I think I'll hate you for a while. Specifically until Karl returns to the domain."
At that sentence I nodded in bitter resignation.
Receiving my wife's banishment order, I headed for the family mansion in the Imperial Capital. If I lingered around the domain she might leave for somewhere else entirely.
And the moment I stepped into the mansion, Georg, who had been imposing on us since yesterday, greeted me.
"Didn't I tell you? I said you'd be showing up soon yourself."
"Shut it."
Watching Georg snicker, the urge to throw him out surged.