Not Alone - 3
Mother kept repeating her apologies, still weeping, and as time passed my eyes darted left and right in restless discomfort. She clung to her son's hand and cried so sorrowfully that I couldn't possibly pull away. Yet I had no idea what to say to comfort her—an utterly awkward situation.
Meanwhile I could hear sniffling from behind; the head maid seemed to be crying as well. I felt surrounded front and back.
"Mother, I'm fine. You don't need to apologize."
I quickly opened my mouth to soothe her, knowing that if I left this alone the atmosphere would plummet horribly. All I could manage was the obvious "I'm fine"—but right now I had to say something, anything.
No, honestly, there was nothing else I could say. I had never felt resentment toward Mother or been mistreated by her.
"It's been so long since I came to see you. If all you do is cry, it makes me feel bad too."
When I spoke as gently as I could, the tears that had been dripping onto the back of my hand gradually lessened.
A mother crying because she was sorry to her son. Was it natural for such a mother to stop crying when she heard that her son's heart was not at ease? Even watching it right in front of me, I was confused. It almost felt like blackmail.
"Have you eaten?"
Once her tears had completely stopped and she was carefully wiping her eyes, I carefully spoke up. The butler had asked me to persuade Mother to eat. If not now, I didn't think I could bring it up at all.
"She has not yet."
The head maid must have thought the same thing, because she hurriedly answered while Mother hesitated. She added that Mother had been crying and collapsing repeatedly, so she hadn't been able to put food in her mouth, and had only just begun to drink water. This was maddening.
Of course I had heard from the mage and the butler that Mother was fasting, but having even the head maid who attended her closely confirm it made me feel even more wretched.
"Head Maid. Please bring something simple she can eat."
"I-I'm fi—"
"I'll eat with Mother as well, so two portions."
At that, Mother closed her mouth again. If she tried to stop me from eating, it would mean her son would be fasting right alongside her, so she couldn't possibly refuse.
It was a cheap trick, taking myself hostage, but I had no choice. She was the one who had let things get so bad that such methods were necessary. She had brought it on herself.
"Yes, I'll bring it at once."
The head maid left the bedroom as quickly as someone who had seized a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. From the way she almost ran, I could feel the hardship she must have endured all this time.
The head maid returned with two bowls of white porridge. I wondered if the porridge people ate in the West was usually oatmeal, but I had come too far into this world to care about such trivial things. Honestly, I was confident I wouldn't even be surprised if gimbap came out.
Besides, oatmeal is rather hard to digest, isn't it? Considering Mother's condition, this was better.
"It's a little hot."
I scooped some of the porridge the head maid had given me with a spoon, blew on it a few times, and held it out to Mother's lips.
Seeing her hands still trembling, it seemed she didn't have proper strength in her body. If she tried to hold a spoon in this state she would certainly drop it, so feeding her myself was the right thing to do.
"I-I'm fine. I can eat by myself, so give it here."
"I'm not fine."
I answered firmly to Mother, who was reaching out as if embarrassed. Eat by herself? From what I could see, the only future was porridge spilled all over the blankets.
"Please eat. The young master seems very worried."
Only after the head maid chimed in did Mother finally take the spoon into her mouth. She hesitated for quite a while even then, but she did eat, so that was a relief.
"Is the temperature all right?"
"Yes. It's warm and easy to eat."
After swallowing the porridge, Mother nodded slightly as she answered.
"Please have more. You should at least finish one bowl."
Since she said it was good, I held out another spoonful at just that temperature. Giving only one bite would be too stingy.
Fortunately Mother showed no sign of refusing with each bite; from the second one on she accepted it quietly. The embarrassed look remained, but I deliberately pretended not to notice.
"I'm sorry. I should have come as soon as the summons ended."
Around the time the bowl was emptying, I carefully opened my mouth. I was sorry that her son, with his participation in the war already confirmed, hadn't even shown his face.
Saying I had planned to stop by before departing, or that I had already met the family head—those words were meaningless. Mother had already collapsed, hadn't she? Making shameless excuses in front of someone who had collapsed because of my mistake was something I couldn't do.
And at my apology, Mother, who had been chewing the porridge, went completely rigid.
"Do you... do you really have to go?"
Perhaps because she had just poured out all her tears, or because her stomach had warmed and she had calmed down, Mother's reaction was better than before.
Of course, that was only relative to when she had been sobbing her heart out. Even now, tears were welling in her eyes.
"You're busy at the Academy. Y-you'll be getting married soon, and during the break you'll be busy with Audit Department work too."
Seeing Mother desperately bringing up all sorts of justifications made me feel pity. The truth was Mother knew as well. That my participation in the war was something that couldn't be stopped, that no matter how busy I was with marriage and various matters ahead of me, they couldn't take precedence over war.
She had collapsed because she knew that. Because of the news of my participation, because of the gut feeling that she couldn't stop that participation, her body and mind had given out.
"It's all right. I'm only going as a wartime audit officer, not to fight."
So I had no choice but to offer Mother the usual empty comforts. Since avoiding the war was impossible, I at least had to appeal that it was safe.
"Someone else can go as the audit officer. There's no need for you specifically to go. If you're not even going to fight, why do you have to..."
But at those words that struck to the core, my body went rigid for a moment.
She was right. If the Emperor had wanted a non-combat audit officer, there was no need to send me specifically. He had appointed me as audit officer so that, if necessary, he could send a combat-capable force to the front lines, to put pressure on the nomads.
"You already participated in the last war, so you've done more than enough of your duty. Can't you just return the title and stay out of it?"
In Mother's pitiful pleading I suddenly saw the family head's face overlapping.
The family head who had said I had done my duty so I could sit this one out, the family head who had told me to return the title and step back. Truly, as husband and wife they resembled each other. Perhaps it was simply that the hearts of parents worrying for their child were the same.
"The family head said the same thing. That I don't need to participate in this war."
When I said it with a slight smile, Mother quickly nodded. As if begging me to please follow the family head's advice.
It wasn't the atmosphere for it, but I almost laughed. In my mind, the image of the family head had been that of a cold-blooded man who would even use his own child for the Imperial Family and the Empire. Yet now he was defying the Emperor's will in order to keep his son out of the war.
The gap almost made me laugh. No—there had never been any gap to begin with. It had only been my prejudice and misconception.
"I understand Mother and the family head's feelings well. How could I not, when you're both worrying about me?"
As I continued gently, hope filled Mother's face.
Seeing that hope-filled expression made me feel guilty. The words I was about to say next would completely overturn that hope.
"Head Maid. Could you step out for a moment? I have something important to tell Mother."
"Yes, understood. Please call if you need anything."
Unlike Mother, who was full of hope, the head maid seemed to have sensed that my resolve was firm; she withdrew with a somewhat dark expression.
...It's time to talk.
Confirming that the head maid had left, I turned my gaze back to Mother.
Yes, it was time to talk. Time to tell Mother about Hecate and those people as well. If I was going to make her accept my going north, I absolutely had to tell that story.
"Mother."
"Yes, go on."
"I almost got married a few years ago."
At the sudden remark, Mother's eyes went wide.
I continued as carefully as I could. I kept the words as soft as possible and explained the situation as briefly as I could. If I told it too bluntly to Mother, who had been collapsing and getting up repeatedly, she might faint from the shock again.
"My friends, my lover... they fell there. As the only one left, I have a responsibility to go back and settle everything."
And that had been the right choice. Even with the words packaged as carefully as I could, Mother's face went rapidly pale.
"So Mother. I'm grateful for your concern, but I have to go."
I gently took Mother's hand, but she showed no reaction, as if her soul had left her.
"...I'm truly a useless mother."
Even the reaction that finally came after a long while was full of self-reproach.
"That my son went through such pain... not knowing for years... using that ignorance as a shield... trying to stop you from resolving the knot in your heart..."
Of course she didn't know. I had never told her in the first place.
"And even now... I find myself wishing you wouldn't go... What a mess of a mother I am."
It was natural to feel that way. As a mother, wishing for her son's safety was practically instinct.
But Mother didn't seem to think so; her head gradually drooped.
"I don't think that at all."
At those words, Mother's shoulders flinched.
"That Mother is useless, that she's a mess—I have never once thought such a thing."
I meant it. Mother was blaming herself far too much. The Great Subjugation War had been a disaster caused by the nomads' uprising, and this participation as well was the result of the nomads' uprising and the Emperor's orders. Nowhere in any of it was there any responsibility of Mother's.
"...In the first place, do you know how much help Mother has given me?"
"What... are you talking about?"
Mother raised her head with a dazed voice.
"When I was little and training, you sent me medicinal herbs and always paid attention to my meals."
I gave a short laugh at Mother, whose pupils were shaking as if in surprise.
"You just never put it into words, but I know very well that you always looked after Erich and me. For such a mother to say she's no help—that's nonsense."
I pulled Mother, who still seemed too flustered to say anything, into an embrace.
"I have never once thought that Mother was of no help, nor have I ever resented you."
This was also the truth. More precisely, the memories of the original owner of this body had been that way.
In the memories I had gained upon possessing this body, in the memories this body had held, there had been no resentment toward the family head or Mother anywhere.
"So please, don't say such things."
At the firm words, I felt a violent trembling in my arms.
I decided to ignore the fact that the front of my chest was getting damp.
Mother lay back down on the bed. Not from collapsing exhausted from crying as before, but from the tension leaving her body so that she fell asleep.
Thank goodness.
Leaving the bedroom, I let out a sigh of relief. The talk about medicinal herbs and meals I had mentioned to Mother—I had actually heard that from the butler some time ago. There had been no such memory even in the original Karl's memories.
Still, the timing had been good. Rather than simply saying I had never resented her, I had said something like "I know you looked after me, so it's fine," so Mother's mind had been put at ease. Thank you, Butler. You saved me.
And thank you to the original Karl as well. If the original had resented Mother, it would have been hard to comfort her, but the original had never held any resentment even though he hadn't known Mother was looking after him from behind the scenes.
Is the kid kind, or just dense?
I was relieved, yet it left a bitter taste.