The Hawthorn Does Not Break - 3
The moment I reached the classroom, I collapsed face-down onto my desk. Lately I had no strength left in me, and no will to do anything either.
How could I not see him even once?
Since the second semester began, I hadn't managed a single meeting with Brother Karl. It was so bad I half-suspected that every hour we'd spent together over the break had been deducted from the term. Even Enen was truly stingy about it. He applied every disadvantage to his creations with ruthless thoroughness.
It wasn't even a chain of unlucky coincidences keeping us apart. There were perfectly legitimate reasons I couldn't see him, and that made the whole thing all the more maddening. Nowhere to vent about it either.
If only we were in the same club.
I'd been thinking that every single day since the semester started. When Luise announced she was founding the Baking Club, I should have just put my name down. Back then I never imagined things would turn out like this.
Last semester, even though I was in the Gardening Club, I could drop by the Baking Club whenever I liked and see him. But that was only possible because the Gardening Club had been quiet and my senior had been kind enough to look the other way.
"You know how busy it gets at the start of term. Just hang on a little longer."
"Yes, senior."
Naturally, once a club was swamped, that kind of consideration went out the window. Exactly as my senior said, club work piled up at the beginning of every semester, and last term had been no different at the start. Back then I'd been actively avoiding him, so it hadn't mattered.
In the end, it all came down to the clubs. This tragedy existed because I was in the Gardening Club instead of the Baking Club.
I can't quit now either.
No matter how I turned it over in my head, there was no way out, and I nearly let a sigh escape under the weight of that hopelessness.
Academy clubs weren't mere hobby circles; they were proper social institutions. Their histories stretched from decades to centuries, and the number of alumni scattered across the empire was just as vast. If you voluntarily stepped into a network like that and then walked out on your own, countless seniors would immediately mark you down. Had I never joined anything, I would have had neither allies nor enemies. Join and then leave, and all you gain are enemies.
Just endure a little longer.
Yes. All I had to do was endure. No matter how much work there was, it always ended eventually. The moment it did, I could see him again.
...It'll be the same next year, won't it?
The thought hit me out of nowhere and my mood plummeted. I'd finally managed a positive outlook, and now it was ruined.
Depression settled over my whole body and I wanted to throw everything away. If I felt like this first thing in the morning, it would last until night. Today was already a write-off. I might as well just sleep through it.
I want to leave early.
Should I claim I was sick and go home? A heart that hurt still counted as being unwell, didn't it?
While I was quietly plotting that tiny rebellion, someone tapped my shoulder.
"Irina, are you sleeping?"
I hadn't even lifted my head, yet the voice alone told me who it was. Luise.
I considered pretending to sleep, but anyone who went out of their way to call a person lying face-down clearly had something important to say. Besides, I didn't want to ignore Luise.
"No. I was just lying here."
"You're not sick, are you?"
I raised my head a little and found Luise watching me with open concern. My gloomy mood lightened, if only by a fraction.
"I'm fine. Just tired."
"Really? That's a relief."
Her bright smile pulled one from me in return. Once again, thanks to Luise, my heart felt peaceful—
"Then could you come outside for a moment? There's something I need to talk about."
Huh?
The request came out of nowhere, but I didn't refuse. We weren't going far—just somewhere quiet for a little while.
Besides, Luise almost never asked for secret conversations. Curiosity mixed with a flicker of worry. I hoped nothing serious had happened.
I never knew a place like this existed.
The spot Luise led me to was one I'd never seen before. The Academy was so vast that plenty of corners remained unknown to students. Empty, silent, the sort of place no one would ever think to look for.
She'd somehow discovered it. It was perfect for a private talk.
While I glanced around, Luise spoke.
"Pretty, right? A senior I know told me about it."
"Yeah. It is pretty."
Flowers carpeted the ground—whether they had grown wild or someone quietly tended them, I couldn't tell. They put ordinary flower beds to shame.
I let myself relax while looking at them. Whatever Luise wanted to say, I shouldn't stand there rigid. She was trusting me enough to speak; the least I could do was return that trust.
"Um, Irina. There's something I want to ask."
I steeled myself at her words. She was forcing this out with difficulty, so no matter what came next I would not flinch.
"The hawthorn you gave Brother as a gift. Why that one?"
Ah.
I flinched instantly.
"Th-that?"
I tried to sound casual, but my voice shook.
It hadn't even been a recent gift—last semester. I hadn't given it behind her back either. Why bring it up now of all times?
Did she notice?
My heart hammered. No one asked that kind of question about an ordinary present. She must have figured something out.
And the meaning hidden in that gift was only one.
Unique love.
The moment the hawthorn's flower language rose in my mind, my hands began to tremble. I hadn't chosen it for that meaning, yet apparently the tree was far more famous for "unique love" than for the language I had intended.
Someone else knew. That mortifying, involuntary confession had finally been exposed. The urge to flee right then and there started to thrash inside me.
No.
Calm down. Thinking about it carefully, even if she knew, it wasn't a real problem.
Embarrassing and awkward, yes. I still hadn't confessed to him, and now someone else had glimpsed my true feelings. But so what if one person liked another? There was nothing wrong with it.
"I chose it because I liked the flower language. Though Brother doesn't seem to know."
I was still fretting and far from honest with him, yet I had no desire to lie to anyone else.
"The flower language of the hawthorn is unique love."
So I said it with my head high.
"That's exactly how he is to me."
It felt a little strange that the first person I poured my heart out to was Luise instead of him.
But it was Luise, so it would be fine. Getting love advice from a close friend was ordinary enough.
—Crunch.
...What was that sound?
At Irina's words I unconsciously ground my teeth.
I'd been right after all. Irina liked Brother too. I'd hoped it wasn't true, hoped it was only my misunderstanding.
She was ahead of me.
At the latest, her feelings for Brother had already been there when she gave him the hawthorn. Earlier than me, who only became honest with myself during the break.
A formless resentment seeped through my chest. No—I knew exactly what it was. It was the knowledge that someone else stood ahead of me besides the Princess that burned.
If it had been the Princess, I could have understood. If it had been the Princess, I would have had no choice but to accept it.
You stayed quiet too.
It wasn't as though she had stepped forward boldly the way the Princess had. She had stayed still, just like me. I'd given Brother plenty of gifts myself.
I met him first.
I was the one who met Brother first, the one who had been close to him.
Me first. It had to be me. Brother's second place belonged to no one else—it had to be mine. I didn't want to yield to any—
"Luise, what's wrong? Are you not feeling well?"
Irina's worried voice cut the spiral short.
Looking at her face brought everything back: the day we first met, becoming friends, playing together, laughing together, the occasional argument.
I'm such an idiot.
The resentment chewing at my heart twisted into self-loathing. How could I do this to Irina of all people? What good came from hating a precious friend? Besides, I only had a chance because of her.
Without Irina I would never even have realized a chance existed. Permission might have come from the Princess, but the opportunity itself had been Irina's gift. Holding anger toward her was pure shamelessness.
Yes. Shameless.
How ugly am I trying to become?
Even I had to admit it was impressive. Stupid, cowardly, and now shameless on top of everything. Why was I like this?
No matter how resentful I felt, no matter how greedy I became, there were feelings one simply must not dare to hold. Blinded by love, I was about to cast aside a friendship that had been nothing short of a blessing.
Even the question I'd just asked was wrong. Why the hawthorn? Was that something you said to the person who gave the gift? What right did I have to interrogate Irina?
Tears welled up all at once.
I was flustered. Anyone would have been, in a situation like this.
"I'm sorry, I'm soooorry..."
After standing frozen for a long moment, Luise suddenly burst into tears and began to sob as though her heart were breaking.
I still had no idea what she was apologizing for. Calming her down came first, though, so I soothed her that it was all right and gently wiped her face.
"I-I like Brother toooo... Iri, Irina, you, said you like, Brother, sooo..."
As I dabbed at her cheeks with a handkerchief, she hiccupped and pushed the words out in broken, plaintive pieces.
So that was it.
By gathering the scattered fragments I finally understood.
Jealousy. Because I had confessed to liking the same person she liked, jealousy had risen up inside her.
I understood. Even if having multiple wives was not uncommon, watching the man you loved stand beside other women was bound to hurt.
"It's okay. You told me like this."
Honestly pouring out that sorrow was actually a healthy way to handle it. Some people locked their feelings away until they could drive a knife in at the critical moment, or else delivered cold indifference and contempt. Crying and throwing a little tantrum was almost cute by comparison.
That said, it was unexpected. I'd always thought that if Luise ever fell for someone, it would be one of the five.
"I'm really sorry, I was wrong..."
"I already said it's fine."
When I glanced at her without thinking, she started sniffling all over again.
If she was going to be like this, why call me outside in the first place? I still couldn't tell whether this girl was vicious or soft-hearted.