Capybara in the Water - 1
The moment I returned from the Imperial Capital to the Academy, I went straight to the dormitory. Stepping inside, I found myself collapsing onto the bed of my own accord. I was dazed. Never in my life had I felt so unwilling to move.
It felt as though I had learned something I was never meant to know. There was no turning back now. If I had remained ignorant of the truth, things might have been different—but now that I knew, I could never return to the way things were.
"You can't take a wife of higher status than the first wife when bringing in additional ones."
Irina's words at Karl's mansion. That simple statement had lodged itself fiercely in my mind. It was something I could neither forget nor simply brush aside.
I had never imagined it was possible to have multiple wives. Father's only wife was Mother, and every other family I associated with was the same. So I had assumed monogamy was simply the natural order of things. That was the world I had lived in, after all.
But thinking carefully about it, every one of those families was of Viscount rank or lower. A Baron house like the Naiad family had no occasion to mingle with Counts or higher—the true high nobility. How was I supposed to know what kind of households those elevated nobles kept?
"Karl will be an Imperial Count before long, and a minister is practically a given. Having several wives wouldn't be strange at all."
I think I nodded along in a daze at those words. Karl—the man already destined for the rank of Imperial Count, a direct vassal of His Majesty the Emperor, and who, given his age, was all but certain to become a minister.
A man of such lofty status and office that multiple wives would not be considered odd. Hearing that, I had nearly burst into tears on the spot.
I had thought I was too late. Only after watching Karl grow close to the princess had I finally understood my own feelings, so I had been certain the chance was gone. Even if I had realized sooner, I believed I could never win against the princess, who had harbored affection for him first.
In that case I would rather have remained forever ignorant. If I had never known the feelings I held for Karl, I would never have suffered like this. In that fleeting moment I had cried so hard inside.
It's not too late.
Having multiple wives probably isn't all that unusual. There even exists a custom specifically for the first wife, so it must be commonplace. Then… then I could also…
When I lightly placed a hand over my chest, I could feel it thrashing far more wildly than usual. I am in a position to inherit a title myself. I may fall short compared to Karl and the princess, but I will still become one of the titled nobility. That should be enough to stand as the wife of an Imperial Count.
Wondering if Irina might somehow be mistaken, I had even contacted Father. As a man who held a title himself, he would know for certain.
"That's correct. The world of high nobles is complicated, so marriage is never simple either."
It was true. Irina, a Count's daughter, and Father, a titled noble—both had given the same answer. Having cross-checked like this, it couldn't be wrong.
"Um, Father."
"What is it?"
"About… having multiple wives. What do you think of it?"
Though puzzled by the sudden question, Father still answered me.
When a noble marries, there is always a proper reason for it. Bringing a new wife into the household requires the consent of the existing wives, so it is not something outsiders should concern themselves with.
"So don't think of it as too strange."
"Ah, yes."
Fortunately, Father did not seem to hold a negative view of multiple wives. Still, just in case, I decided not to mention that I wanted to become one of those "several."
From the beginning, Father had told me not to find it strange. He had said there were always proper reasons for such things. He would understand. He surely would.
So I must not hesitate. I had nearly lost Karl by failing to be honest with myself. Having miraculously been given another chance, I could not let it slip away in vain.
I had to find courage. For the sake of being with Karl. And to do that—
The consent of the existing wife.
I would need Karl's love, of course, but I would also need the princess's consent.
I dragged out every memory of the past. Had I ever been rude to the princess? Had I ever made a bad impression?
…Nothing?
There had been times when the princess scolded me, but aside from those, nothing much had happened. If anything, we had an unremarkable senior-junior relationship.
But that was only from my perspective. The princess might secretly find me unpleasant.
My heart began to race for an entirely different reason than before. If I failed to win Karl's love because of my own shortcomings, that would simply be fate. But if the princess's opposition kept me from becoming his wife, I might cry myself to death from sheer exhaustion.
I must not make her dislike me.
I absolutely must not. If I focus only on Karl and end up earning the princess's enmity, it won't just be me who collapses alone. Karl and the princess might even quarrel because of it.
I'll have to stay quiet for a while.
It is a fact that Karl and the princess have grown closer. The problem is that they have yet to form any official relationship such as an engagement.
Being first in practice and being first officially are two different things. If I show affection toward Karl while they are not yet engaged, I will take the full force of the princess's wrath. She might even think I am trying to steal the position of first wife.
"You thieving cat!"
The mere image of the princess seizing me by the hair and shaking me mercilessly made cold sweat break out on its own.
The truth is, I do not want to stay quiet. Every time I see Karl and the princess getting along so well, I feel envious. I want to love Karl the way the princess does. I want to be loved by him in return.
But if I act before the princess becomes his official fiancée, what I receive will not be love. So I must endure. Rushing could ruin everything.
"I hope they get engaged soon."
The wish slipped out of my mouth before I knew it, that desperate.
Honestly, I feel it will happen before long. Within the year, perhaps? Surely it won't wait until after the princess graduates?
If I incur the princess's anger, my future is finished, so for the time being I must hold back from showing Karl my heart. That does not mean, however, that I should simply sit still and do nothing.
On the contrary, there is something I must do quickly—before I ever show Karl my feelings.
I can't put this off any longer.
All this time I had been trapped in the past, deliberately pretending not to notice the club members' affection. Using trauma as a shield, I had calmly done something I should never have done. It was cowardly and foolish. And the fact that I had gone and fallen for someone else on top of that made me even more of a coward.
My vow to choose no one and treat everyone fairly had crumbled. Under those circumstances, continuing to treat the club members the same way as before would be a grave discourtesy. I had already been discourteous; I could not compound the offense further.
My heart already belongs elsewhere. I cannot accept their feelings. To keep leaving them hanging would be far too vile a thing to do.
So I had waited until the start of the new term. I had waited for club time, when everyone could gather naturally. Whether Enen had lent a hand or not, even Karl—who was always in the clubroom—happened to be away.
"Luise, is something wrong?"
"Your expression looks a little dark."
Along with the relief that Karl was not present, guilt welled up as well. All this time I had been turning away from these people who worried about me like this. And now I would have to push them away.
I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
I had to tell them everything now. That I had deliberately pretended not to notice their kindness all along. That I had known and still looked the other way. That I was sorry for only speaking of it now.
And on top of that, I even had to tell them I could not accept their feelings.
It was late. Far too late for these words. But remaining silent forever would be no courtesy to these children either…
Courtesy?
A sudden wave of self-loathing washed over me. Did I even have the right to use a word like "courtesy"? It made it sound as though I were doing this out of consideration for the club members. As though this were an act for their sake.
No. I am not doing this for them. I am doing it simply because my own heart is uneasy. If I had never noticed my feelings for Karl, I might have kept my mouth shut forever.
And yet here I am, shamelessly acting as though I am being considerate. Even to the very end, I am a coward and a selfish person.
My head drooped powerlessly. I could not bring myself to look the club members in the eye.
"Lady Luise."
Ainter's voice followed, and it felt so much like a scolding that my body trembled. Look at me—a mere Baron's daughter, receiving a reprimand from a prince.
"Please speak freely."
But Ainter's words were nothing like a reprimand.
"I do not know what circumstances Lady Luise may be under, or what she wishes to say. Regrettably, I lack the ability to read minds."
Ainter gave a small laugh and continued. Warmly, as though trying to put me at ease.
"So I find myself curious about what Lady Luise will say. I am prepared to listen to anything at all."
At those words I carefully lifted my head and saw Ainter smiling.
"Your Highness, your eloquence is not exactly the best."
"I suppose whatever I meant to say has already been said for me."
"Haha, Brother Ainter was never the talkative sort, was he? The more you practice, the better you get, after all."
"Erich, why are you just standing there?"
"Because unlike you lot, I'm an Imperial citizen."
The conversation drifting from behind Ainter made a laugh slip out of me unbidden.
They were speaking in such an exaggerated way just to lift my spirits. It was painfully obvious. Even in a play, no one would talk like that.
"Um…"
Even so, after seeing them go that far, I could not keep hesitating.
"I have something I need to say."
Once I said it, their kindness might turn into resentment. The club itself might fall apart.
"The truth is… all this time, I knew, and I pretended I didn't."
Still, I would speak. Just as I had with Karl.