The Breeding Uncle Recruits a Party
I'm currently detained. Why? Hell if I know. The only thing I did wrong was show up at the dungeon identity registration office alone, without a guarantor.
Should've seen it coming, I guess. The moment I revealed my job and skills for adventurer registration, the receptionist bolted out of there like her life depended on it. After that, the flustered office director himself came out to interrogate me personally.
"What the hell did you do to end up with a job like that? How many women did you harass and force into that so-called 'Breeding Uncle' bullshit? Ugh..." He clenched his fists, trembling with rage, looking like he was about to deck me any second.
"No, I told you I haven't done anything like that. You gonna believe me or not? I've said it a million times, and even this damn detector says it's true—"
"You arrogant bastard! I've hit my fifties, and I'm on the verge of retiring as director, but my gut's never wrong. A guy like you couldn't get laid if your life depended on it..."
My hand was resting on a glowing white orb. The lie detector, apparently. Every question he'd asked me had lit up meaning "true."
TRUE
"You're a sex criminal, right? Brainwashing skills, grotesque uterus-punching bullshit—it's obvious."
NEUTRAL
"All my skills are for self-defense. Defending against and retaliating on people trying to kill me is more than enough. I never attack first."
TRUE
Similar questions with tweaked wording all came back true, proving I wasn't lying.
"For starters, it's not like 'Rapist' is tattooed on my forehead. Isn't this a bit rude? I could get guarantors if you really need 'em."
Beatrice would probably vouch for me. Not sure about Master, though. Dragging her into this mess before she's even trained properly? Yeah, that'd go over like a lead balloon.
Luckily, no need—the director seemed barely convinced, sighing as he took the detector away. "Fine... you really... yeah. Must've been a mistake. Sorry about that. Jobs can come from weird reasons, I suppose."
The director let out another heavy sigh. "This is Arcanos. We get tons of scum coming here for a quick score. Especially ones planning to slaughter or assault their own party members in dungeons."
He pulled out some forms, filled them out quick, and stamped them. "Still, if no one vouches for you, you'll have to run at least three group expeditions with other low-priority folks first."
"Pardon? I go solo."
The director shook his head sadly. "Heard that one before. Back when I first took over, plenty tried going in alone. Nine out of ten vanished for a while, then came back robbing defenseless adventurers blind."
He ground his teeth. "Doesn't matter how innocent you seem—this is procedure for everyone. If you refuse a few group runs to let us suss you out, we have to treat you like a criminal."
"If that's how it is—sure. I'll do it."
The director grinned wide and stuck out his hand. "Thanks for understanding. Only the shady ones blow off this offer. Just tough it out a few times. Got a party already?"
"Nope."
"Alright. Head outside and submit these. If no one bites, we'll whip up a temp party for you by tomorrow."
Crunch. The stamped paper began glowing with a soft golden light. He handed me my new adventurer's proof along with a few other forms from his desk.
"Here's your ID. And these are applications—optional stuff like return stones for safety, guild reinforcements, etc."
The director launched into a pitch for add-ons, then whispered, "But seriously, how many brothels you hit? You're a beast. I used to dive dungeons back in the day and blow off steam too, but to unlock a job from it? How many times you gotta go?"
I didn't go at all. Sigh, no point explaining—they'd never believe a single fuck etched "Breeding Uncle" into my history like a red flag.
I grabbed the papers and stood. "Think you've said your piece. I'm outta here."
"Of course. Just don't do that breeding crap in dungeons—hell, who even calls it that? Beastly. Especially not on party members, got it? We track everything."
I ignored him, left his office, and loomed over the tiny receptionist cowering at the counter again.
"Eek! Hiiik."
"Hey."
"H-hic... S-sorry..." She trembled harder, tears streaming. Was she even hearing me...?
"Hey!"
"Hyaaak?! My purity—dragged into a back alley—"
Now she was muttering nonsense. I shoved the application at her. "Find me three party members. ASAP, or ones good for tomorrow's run."
Tears blurring her vision or not, she peeked outside quick and pointed far off to a row of tables. A sign hung above: 'Urgent: Seeking Party Members. Anyone Please.'
"They're over there waiting if you're good to go now—just chat and come back once it's settled—"
She blurted it out and fled again. What a flake.
No choice—I headed over. The crowd there? Haaa... total drunks, bums, porters, or meat shields. Every last one.
"Synth drugs... gimme one or two hits and I'll do anything..."
"Booze! Need more booze!!! If you're buying, I'm in~"
Going in with these bottom-feeders? 100% death sentence. No wonder I solo-quested back in the village. Parties multiply enemies but add useless allies that drain pay and risk your neck.
Even here, zero options. Makes sense—if they were decent, they'd be in established parties already.
I told the still-jumpy receptionist to assign me randos and sighed my way outside. Hated this shit. Last village, picking a random spot screwed everything up too. Guess I'd hunt members tomorrow—
"Stoooop!!!"
Someone chased me out and smacked my back. "Found you!!! You're perfect for me! Hate that receptionist? Team up with me!"
I turned to eye the one who'd poked me.
"Ugh, face is rough, dude. No helmet? Armor? You need that shit!"
"Way to lead with that—"
"Hehe, sorry. But objectively, you're ugly! You a tank?"
"Nah."
"Aw—bummer. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers!"
She jabbed a finger at me triumphantly.
"You're in my party! Fair split on rewards!"
"Uh... I do need a party."
This pint-sized pink-haired girl lit up like Christmas, bouncing like mad. "Yay!!! Finally, someone who fits!!! Tomorrow? Today? Huh? Huh???"
...Chilly. Things lining up this smooth? Love call right off the bat? They say never trust freebies or favors without strings...
This screamed ulterior motives. "Judging by your robes... mage? Witch?"
"Yup! Jina Arwen from the Magic Tower! Not a witch—those pervy types don't vibe with me~"
"Then why me?"
"Huh?"
"What makes you pick me? Spill your goal."
"'Cause!" She proudly pointed at herself. "Perfect for eating attacks in my place! Got another fighter lined up, so no need to swing!"
"Not a tank, I said."
"I know! But you can tank hits fine! See, truth is..." She fidgeted awkwardly. "My magic aptitude's kinda off. Can't cast big famous spells."
Figures. Had to be something. Mages are prime talent—rushing for an unvetted nobody like me meant her issues were huge.
"Don't care if you can't. What can you do?"
Mage's gotta have something useful. A faint barrier shimmered around me like a veil.
"Defend spell. Blocks attacks."
"That's it?"
"Deflect spell. Bounces ranged shots."
"But—"
"Also... curse dispels, element nulls—"
I eyed her weird. "You a tank? Support?"
"I'm a mage!!!!"
"Can't you just shield yourself? Throw buffs."
"No buffs! And attacks... fuck, why should a mage tank hits?! Don't I look fragile?! With your build, why should a girl and mage like me eat damage?!"
Jina yanked my arm, dragging me back to register. Too frail to budge me, though. Half-sold already, but I played coy to keep the upper hand. She reeked of desperation—grabbing randos meant stalled runs. Room to negotiate gear or lodging.
"Irresponsible much? Who's the other one?"
"Oh! That friend! Hehe. Jina worked hard—picked a great one! Super useful skills!"
"Like?"
"Pathfinding, edible plants/beasts, good with hands, solid fighter~ Yup, nailed it!"
"Not a reject too?"
"Nope!"
"Sounds perfect. Why can't she dungeon?"
"27 prior offenses! But only a few convictions~ Not that bad."
"You're insane—"
After about an hour of haggling with Jina, no better options panned out, so we registered the party at the office. Endless bickering later, I scored a night on her inn room floor. Broke as I was, saved on living costs. Nice.
Warrior, mage, thief—my first Arcanos party lineup.