Murder Contemplation: Before
The recent string of indiscriminate murders continues. Students are advised to return home immediately after classes…
Even as the season shifted from short sleeves to long, the killings showed no sign of stopping. Every front page these days was about murder. No one knew if the culprit was a man or a woman, what the motive might be, or why the locations were so inconsistent. A slaughtering demon—that was how the public had come to see it.
By now the whole thing felt unreal. Of course, it was easy to say that when you had never seen a corpse yourself. Every body discovered had been carved up with a knife, limbs severed and scattered. The thought alone was horrifying.
I opened the classroom door. Mikiya, who always arrived early, waved at me. Beyond him, by the window, sat her—Ryougi Shiki. I raised a hand in greeting to Mikiya and walked over to her.
Ever since that incident, rumors had spread that Shiki and I were involved. Walking down the hall, I sometimes caught jealous glances from the other boys. I didn’t mind, but I wondered how Shiki felt. She never bothered to deny anything, so maybe she didn’t dislike it either.
She probably just didn’t care. Even if I asked, she wouldn’t answer.
Now that she knew about my ability, she measured every word. I had told her it only worked when my “eyes” were active, but she had simply replied that the fact I could activate them at any time made me dangerous.
“?!”
“Akagawa?”
“Hey, Mikiya. Look… do you see that?”
“Yeah, I see her. Ryou—ah, right, Shiki. She’s wearing an overcoat today. I thought she might show up in a furisode, but I guess that was just my imagination.”
Mikiya added that a leather jacket was an unusual choice.
I didn’t agree. Shiki looked good in anything. Even if she wore nothing but a scrap of cloth, she would still be beautiful—at least, that was my biased opinion. And I was certain of it.
While I was lost in my own fantasies, I suddenly felt something was off. A sense of wrongness.
“Since when do you call her Shiki, Mikiya?!”
“Whoa!”
Mikiya toppled backward dramatically. I felt a twinge of guilt, but brushed it aside. The explanation mattered more.
It had taken me months just to use her given name. The idea that Mikiya could do it so casually was unacceptable.
“We ran into each other the other day. She said she hates being called by her family name, just like you told me, so I should use her first name…”
“Tch. Damn pheromones.”
“What did you say?”
In the end, the world ran on talent. Some people needed days to accomplish what others were born able to do ten times over.
I pulled out the chair in front of Shiki with practiced ease and sat down. From here I could see her face. I liked this seat.
Shiki, who usually gazed out the window, turned to look at me instead. Then, as if she couldn’t bear it, she looked away again. That faint flush of embarrassment was a privilege only I was allowed to witness.
“Cute.”
“…!!”
She kicked my shin. The geta proved its worth as solid wood. While I clutched my head against the desk and groaned, Shiki walked out of the classroom.
“Did I mess up badly?”
“Hmm… I think she just finds you insensitive.”
Mikiya gave a small laugh.
Autumn passed, and winter break ended in the blink of an eye.
With the new semester, Shiki grew even more isolated. Something must have happened during the break; she was now openly rejecting everyone around her, enough that even I could tell.
//////
After school, once everyone had left, I would return to the classroom to find “Shiki” waiting.
She did nothing, simply staring out the window. She never called for me, never asked for anything. But I couldn’t leave her there looking so sad and empty, so I stayed with her as best I could.
Unlike Shiki, “Shiki” was more willing to talk. It felt like speaking with the male version of her.
In the classroom drowned in crimson sunset, “Shiki” sat perched on a desk.
“You already knew I don’t like being around people, didn’t you?”
That day, she began with the usual trivial small talk—asking what I had eaten for breakfast.
“I figured as much.”
“Yeah. Shiki’s always been shy. Ever since we were kids… When you’re little, you don’t know anything. You think everyone you meet and the whole world must like you, because you like them. It’s a vague, innocent assumption.”
“True. When you’re young, you believe the world is kind and good. Only as you grow do you learn to fear other people.”
“Shiki” nodded, murmuring that it was exactly so.
“But ignorance matters. You probably understand. When you’re a child, you only see yourself, so you never notice anyone else’s malice. Even when you make mistakes, you learn that you are loved and forgiven, and that lets you be gentle with others.”
“Shiki” gazed into the distance. Even with my eyes active, I doubted I could capture every emotion in those pupils.
“People can only show the feelings they actually possess.”
The evening glow painted her profile. The blue kimono displayed every ounce of beauty the fabric could offer.
At that moment, I couldn’t tell which Shiki she was. It didn’t matter. Either way, this was Ryougi Shiki’s monologue.
“I knew from the moment I was born. Because Shiki was born already carrying ‘Shiki’ inside her. She understood other people too soon. She realized there were humans besides herself, that they thought all sorts of things, and that they wouldn’t love her unconditionally. Once she saw how ugly people could be, she could never love them. Eventually she stopped caring at all. The only feeling Shiki has left is rejection.”
Because she had understood others, she could not love them.
Because she had understood others, she had wanted to love them.
Shiki had walked a different path from mine and reached a different answer. Truly understanding another person was impossible. If you couldn’t even understand yourself, how could you ever contain someone else?
But knowing was possible. The human heart was ugly. No matter how different the surface, the inside was always the same. Even so, I had chosen to love them. Shiki had simply learned too quickly. Rational thought required growth to support it.
Shiki had been born with “Shiki” already inside her, so the shock must have been immense. Now I understood why she closed her heart and rejected everyone.
I had been the same a few years ago. The childish idea that my power could help people—that if everyone could read each other’s hearts, the world would be happy. It was a well-meaning fantasy, and therefore all the more terrifying.
When it failed and I was forced to confront people’s malice directly, I too ended up rejecting them.
My eyes stung. The red sunset was simply too bright.
“…Aren’t you lonely?”
“Why would I be? Shiki has me. If she were truly alone, she might feel lonely, but she isn’t. She’s isolated, yet she was never lonely.”
“Shiki” spoke with a calm, unwavering expression.
It wasn’t bravado. She genuinely believed it.
Was that really true? The malice of others, that feeling of drifting alone on an endless sea—nothing could truly heal it. It only faded from memory.
“I told you this before, didn’t I? You looked too out of it last time, so I couldn’t go into detail. Now you have it.”
“Yeah…”
“Hey, why are you about to cry? It doesn’t suit you.”
It was simply because the words struck too close, because no one else could ever share in that story. I was only sad for a moment.
“Akagawa. Have you ever thought about killing someone?”
The crimson sunset framed her from behind. “Shiki’s” smile looked dangerous.
“I have. But not anymore.”
“Really? For me, that’s all there is.”
Her voice was perfectly clear. The intense killing intent I had once felt rose again in my memory. I touched my throat.
“People can only show the feelings they’ve actually experienced, remember? I carry the part of Shiki that was sealed away. What ranks lowest for her ranks highest for me. I have no complaints about that. That’s why I exist—an personality that holds the suppressed desires. That’s who I am.”
“Shiki” stepped down from the desk. I tensed as she approached without a sound. The faint scrape of metal reached my ears.
“Shiki has been killing. She’s been killing the darkness called ‘Shiki.’ So the only thing I’ve ever experienced is murder, right?”
She let out a small laugh.
“For Shiki, murder means killing anyone who stirs ‘Shiki.’ To protect herself, she wants to slaughter everyone who tries to break the seal on Ryougi Shiki.”
“Shiki” walked past me. I couldn’t bring myself to turn around and simply stood there for a long time.
The sunset was hidden behind clouds. Outside, it was already dark.
Even after hearing her say she would kill me, I found myself smiling. It was an ultimatum. A final warning to stay away. We had fun, but now it was over.
“No, Shiki. You can’t kill me. If you really wanted to…”
Tears fell. Guilt and joy coexisted inside me—the guilt of having used my “eyes” on Shiki, who already knew pain, and the joy of confirming that the Ryougi Shiki I had seen was not a mistake.
“You should have driven the knife in back then.”