Let's Manipulate Public Opinion (1)
The stack of documents on my desk refuses to dwindle. There's just too much work to do. On top of that, my predecessor vanished without a trace, so I didn't get any proper handover. I have no idea if I'm handling things right...
...But honestly, it doesn't feel all that different from the grunt work I did back when I was at the bottom rung. Something feels off, but it's probably just my imagination.
"V-Vivaldi-nim. More here."
"...Yes. Just leave them."
Haru plops down twice as many papers as I've processed so far. I want nothing more than to quit the guild right now, go home, and crash—but if I tried, I'd never wake up again.
"What's this...? 'Predicted Top Guild Member for the Month'...?"
"Ah! That's for Welfare. Must've gotten mixed in. I'll take it back."
"I see..."
I hand the misdelivered document back to Haru, but a chill runs down my spine. I snatch it back and pull it close.
"Huh, Vivaldi-nim?"
1st: Vivaldi (90%)
2nd: Marie (18%)
3rd: Gerda (17%)
4th: Bella (15%)
"Nooooo!!!!"
"Eek! S-Sorry!"
"Ah, not at you, Haru-ssi...!"
Haru flattens her dog ears in fear, so I quickly reassure her.
What the hell is this ridiculous prediction? What have I done to deserve first place? And the top four add up to over 100%—is this even right?
"Haru-ssi. I'll deliver this myself. Get back to work."
"O-Okay..."
Fuming, I storm toward the guild tavern. This absurd metric has no right to exist. It completely invalidates my desperate longing to get kicked out and all my efforts so far!
"Helen-nim!"
"Oh, Vivi? Here to learn how to mix drinks from Auntie?"
Helen, the Welfare vice-guildmaster, doubles as the tavern's bartender. I'm in no mood to smile, but she greets me with a warm, motherly grin.
I'm about to thrust the document at her in protest when—
"This is Vivi?"
"Kyaa! Even Vivi shows up at the tavern someday!"
"Kid, you're old enough. Why no booze?"
"Eee?!"
Fleshy masses close in from all sides, filling my vision with pale skin. The guild staff here are mostly men, but the few women are all mature beauties like Helen.
"C'mon, drink with sis?"
"Look at him, eyes glazing over at the otherworldly view."
"Nngh, he's squirming so much~ It's ticklish~"
"Heee...!"
Unlike the adventurers who pinch and grope, these women prefer full-body presses. The overwhelming softness smothers my senses. I barely wriggle through their plush skin to shove the document toward Helen.
"H-Helen-ssi! This is weird!"
"Oh my, you can't show this to anyone else yet."
She takes it calmly despite her urgent tone, glances at my first-place spot, and smirks. Propping her chin, she eyes me trapped amid the women.
"So, what's weird about it?"
"Th-the vote percentages! They add up to over 100%!"
"...Ah, one of my girls must've goofed. We introduced a special rule this time, so total votes are different. She probably forgot to account for it. But it's just a prediction, not final results, so cut her some slack."
"Fixing it to sum to 100% would change the rankings a lot, right...?"
"Nah. Everyone drops by the same ratio, so order stays the same."
No way! Even corrected, I'm still number one?
"H-Helen-ssi, you're super popular too! Why aren't you on the list?"
"Guildmaster and vice-guildmasters are excluded by default. Otherwise, she'd dominate."
Helen's right—if Veronica were eligible, there'd be no contest. Maybe beg for a one-time exception? Yeah, no chance.
I rack my brain for alternatives.
"Um, would it violate rules to lobby guildmates for votes?"
"Not really? It's all in fun, no strict rules against it. But you don't need to, Vivi."
Getting disqualified for campaigning would be ideal, but no such luck.
"I-I want someone else to win...!"
"Aww, yielding the spot? Such a sweet heart."
* * *
Today, few clients at the request counter means a slow day. Bored adventurers gather, chatting idly as work dries up.
"Each clone has a different personality?"
"That's right."
"But they all seem similar."
"Look closer—they differ subtly."
"No clue!"
The adventurers are playing a game spotting differences among the identical Maries. The Maries smile leisurely, listening in.
"Hey, Vivi! You know? What's different about 'em?"
"Huh? Uh..."
They grab me passing by. The Maries' expectant gazes pin me uncomfortably. I don't snoop on subordinates, so I don't know much.
They wear name tags to distinguish: 1, 2, 3, and so on.
"Number 1 rubs her eyes a lot... Number 2 rubs her arms... Number 3 startles at loud noises... That's all I got."
Just casual observations, but Maries and adventurers gawk in awe.
"Spot... on. All correct."
"Ooh...! When'd you notice all that?!"
"Vivi always watches out for us?"
"Yes. From hiring me onward, I respect him deeply."
Why's the mood making me look even better? In my old world, listing women's habits like this would've branded me a creep.
"Right? Vivi's the best guildmate!"
"That's why I'm voting him for this month's top—"
"Nooooo!!!!"
I cut him off and dash to Marie #44, grabbing her hand. It's rude—she blushes and stands.
"V-Vivaldi-nim?!"
"The counter's stability is all thanks to you, Marie-ssi! You handle what'd take a dozen people alone!"
"Vivaldi-nim..."
"You're the one who suffered—you deserve it, not me just for hiring you! Marie-ssi should be this month's top guild member!"
Stunned by my rudeness, she can't meet my eyes.
"Hmm... Vivi's got a point."
"He'll win next month anyway. Vote Marie this time?"
"Yeah, newbies need bonus points."
"But Vivi, why #44?"
"Huh? She's the original, right...?"
"...! H-How...?"
Marie asks flustered, but I don't know why I think that. As I ponder—
"O~hoho! Everyone! Fresh potions arrived~wa yo! Grab your share quick~wa yo!"
Gerda arrives with a box in two arms, shaking vials with the other two. Resting adventurers swarm eagerly.
"This cut my basic costs big time."
"Our guild's welfare rocks. Who knew Gerda had this talent."
"O~hoho! All thanks to Vivaldi-nim seeing my idea's value~wa yo! So vote him for top guild member this—"
"Nooooo!!!!"
Why are they doing this unprompted? I release Marie and bolt to Gerda.
"Vivaldi-nim? What's wrong~wa yo?"
"Breeding monsters and brewing potions is your achievement, Gerda-ssi—and the Small Labyrinth crew! No one else would've thought to use it that way without you! I can't steal that credit!"
"Gasp...! V-Vivaldi-nim, you're embarrassing me~wa yo...!"
"And securing that labyrinth was Bella-ssi's doing! I just scribbled some papers—nothing more!"
"Huh? Callin' me?"
They murmur agreement. Marie, Gerda, Bella—all have standout recent feats, landing them high. My votes are just piggybacking. Correct the misconception, and votes shift easily—it's a casual poll, after all.
For days, I desperately hype other guildmates.
"Alright, voting starts now? Slip names in the box by Friday 9 PM."
Finally, the ballot box is set up in the tavern as the voting period begins.