This Is My Fan Service (Reboot)

With the rooftop café hair-harvesting performance having escalated into a full-blown mutually assured destruction scenario, Noh In-seong and Jeong Hwa-jeong eventually hammered out a gentlemen's agreement and settled things by letting go of each other's heads at the same time.

'Okay, we let go on the count of three? One, two, three... WHY AREN'T YOU LETTING GO?! Is this guy for real?!'

'You let go first! Agh! Stop pulling!'

...So much for a gentlemen's agreement — but backing down meant losing, and losing was not an option.

It was only after the fact that the two of them dragged themselves back into the restaurant, their hair mangled entirely of its own accord.

"...What on earth happened out there?"

Song Jin-wook stared blankly at the pair of them. What did we do? Well, we almost evolved into Cavemen 2.0, for one.

"...I'm so sorry. I've been under an awful lot of stress lately..."

Jeong Hwa-jeong, finally back to her senses, offered her apology. And you're apologizing NOW?

"...No, seriously, what was all that grabbing and yanking my hair about? What did I even do wrong?"

"...You did nothing wrong? You talk to people like THAT?!"

She let out a deep sigh, and then began to explain herself.

"Well... you see, I'm actually Siyeon's homeroom teacher. You know that, right? Noh In-seong the player's little sister."

"...What? Huh?! That homeroom teacher? The one who's a huge Grizzlies fan?"

Well, that was a shock. So I just got my hair ripped out by my little sister's homeroom teacher.

"Siyeon really is a sweet, good kid, but... um, the things you've been doing at the ballpark lately, Mr. In-seong..."

...Huh? What exactly have I done? I'd say I'm basically just a lovable little troublemaker.

"What have you done, you ask? You beat people up, you attack people in interviews, you dismantle entire teams, you humiliate managers..."

"Now, now. Shut up."

Setting aside the cowardly fact-bomb from Song Jin-wook, I decided to hear the rest of her story.

"The kids imitate you a lot these days. Quite a few of them have gotten hurt, and they trash-talk other teams nonstop..."

"Ah, so you're saying the criticism of those untouchable outcast teams has been getting out of hand."

"Y...you...!!"

But I mean, they really ARE untouchable outcast teams, aren't they? What kind of baseball team doesn't have me on it? They're all enemies.

If I ever leave this team later, it'd become an untouchable outcast team too... well, that would be too harsh. I'll only demote it to Commoner status, nothing more.

Anyway, I got the gist of it. An elementary school homeroom teacher, already stretched thin managing her kids while keeping up with the curriculum. Kids getting hurt almost daily, cursing ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠each other out left and right — her stress levels must have been through the roof.

"Well... kids do learn that stuff fast, so honestly, I'll admit I'm a little sorry about that part."

"See? So from now on—!"

Color returned to Jeong Hwa-jeong's face as she leaned urgently toward me, fishing for a promise.

"But isn't that what teachers are FOR? Correcting that stuff? Who really knows."

What does bad behavior in children's education have to do with me saying whatever the hell I please and living my life? Teach them properly. Boohoo...!!

"...You little punk, are you serious right now?!"

Ow! The crazy woman was going for my hair again!

Refusing to be the one to lose, Noh In-seong seized her hair right back.

And so, with both of them gripping each other's heads, the ouroboros that had formed at the café coiled its way into the restaurant as well.

"Agh! Song Jin-wook! Do something! Stop their punishment match!"

"Agh! Jung Soo-jung! Do something! Get that woman's hands off him!"

While those two were busy failing their humanity inspection but passing with flying colors as beasts, the remaining two simply stood by and watched.

"Good grief... In-seong, you dug your own grave here. Deal with it yourself."

"Aha, he's funny! He wasn't scary at all, was he?"

"No. If you asked me whether I'd rather avoid him or a rabid dog, I'd pick avoiding him every time."

"Hey! Less running your mouth about me, more restraining this rabid elementary school teacher...!!"

Only after both their scalps had been thoroughly ravaged did the Song couple (real ones) finally manage to talk her down.

"...How on earth did sweet Siyeon come out of a brother like this...?"

"...You're saying that to my face?"

The side effect was that everyone's speech register dropped several notches, but at least the meal itself was delicious.

...No, actually, it tasted like hair. I'm mad about that.

"Um... are you still very angry? I know saying sorry this late doesn't exactly undo anything, does it?"

It was only after Jeong Hwa-jeong finished her meal that I finally realized this lunatic was the biggest bomb in the baseball world.

And that bomb had already started beeping. Beep. Beep. Beep—

"Do you think I'd let it go? I'll just have to pull off even fresher, crazier stunts going forward. We're all dead, for real."

I'd have to crush and trample her harder and more creatively than I did during the Children's Day series.

You sowed the seeds of this disaster — so endure it, by hook or by crook.

"Agh! You can't!"

What do you mean I can't. How many strands of MY hair do you think you ripped out of my head?

"If my grandfather had gone bald, the Grizzlies probably would have lost on account of a player shortage."

"...In-seong, what on earth is that supposed to mean..."

Song Jin-wook, who hadn't had a single peaceful day, sighed and started the car to see the two women home.

"See you Tuesday. You're taking the Changwon bus, right?"

"Of course. Want to grab some army stew before we get on the bus, then? I've got a coupon."

With a nod, Song Jin-wook's car pulled away.

It was a momentous day: Noh In-seong had gained a new dining companion for his carrier-provider coupon meals.

The next day, as Siyeon finished getting ready for school and sat down at the table to mix rice into her beef radish soup, Noh In-seong seized his opportunity and unpacked his bundle of grievances.

"Siyeon, your homeroom teacher is something else."

"...? Um... and by that you mean...?"

Siyeon looked flustered. Ah, the classic who is this stranger and why is he talking to me face.

"She grabbed me with tremendous enthusiasm the moment we met."

Siyeon's face went red. Haha, what kind of imagination is running through this ridiculous little gremlin's head?

SMACK!

"You and your table talk first thing in the morning...!!"

"Ow!"

Mother's spoon of True Education (a literal spoon), brimming with fury, struck true — but I didn't even blink. This time, at least, I wasn't mixing in any lies...!!

"Look, sure, I exaggerate, but I didn't lie about THIS. I'm telling you, she grabbed me by the hair the second we met...!!"

"What on earth did you DO to make Siyeon's homeroom teacher...!!"

A strange phenomenon unfolded from mid-morning onward: mother and son butting heads, while father watched with oddly riveted interest. But when Noh In-seong launched into a furious tirade about those ungrateful wretches who'd eaten yesterday's meal before he did and recounted his version of the restaurant encounter—

"Ah, that... right. Honestly speaking, Siyeon has been suffering over that issue lately."

Mother began her explanation, looking somewhat sheepish.

"Um... it all started when you gave Siyeon those tickets on Children's Day..."

— The day before, at Siyeon's school —

"Siyeon! Thanks for getting us into the ballpark last time!"

Siyeon's friends gathered around her, and a gathering began. What had started as gratitude, at some point, curdled into something else entirely.

"Your big brother's a player, right? If we stay on Siyeon's good side, maybe we can watch games again at a sweet price!"

"I heard they don't even pretend to listen to kids wearing Grizzlies uniforms."

Children are surprisingly clever. And children are surprisingly cruel.

Combine the two, and boycotting an entire team for their own benefit was an easy task.

"Hey! Why are you wearing that idiotic team's uniform?"

"Huh? This is an old-school uniform that's been in my family for generations!"

"Old-school, my foot — in ancient language that means LOSER uniform. Go change out of that filthy thing into your gym clothes right now!"

Not listening meant revenge by getting pegged with balls in gym class — and then, allegedly, a tooth came out.

Wait, 'loser' is already considered ancient slang? These are truly the end times. No, more than that—

"Seriously, since when is it acceptable to police what clothes someone wears?"

Back in my day, that would've earned you a fist to the face. Kids these days live such soft lives.

"Also, if a tooth falls out, shouldn't you at least be throwing punches at a face, not... whatever that was?"

So THAT'S how the settlement-payment system takes root among minors?

"...No matter how I think about it, you're the one who caused all this, aren't you? In-seong."

Aw, shit. Fair point. But hear me out.

"They're a rival team, so of course I look down on them — that's the unwritten rule. But that kid is just a student."

The kid should be learning how to sneer and charm in front of ME. What power does she have? She's just my little sister.

"I suppose they figured that family naturally looks out for family."

Father picked up the thread. What is this, Father...

"At my workplace too, ever since you became a player, everyone's been eyeing me with expectations."

My face is all over the rice cake commercials, so they're dropping hints that a slice of the rice cake should come their way, too.

"It's only bearable because I travel so much for work. If I were in a department that stayed in the office, it would've been rough."

Father spoke with a bitter expression. Fascinating. Why do people think like this?

Heh. Honestly. The person supposed to give out the rice cakes hasn't even thought about it, and everyone else is mainlining kimchi soup at the table.

"Alright. It's time for this Noh In-seong to normalize the situation."

"...I am BEGGING you. Could you possibly act by the standards of a normal human being?"

Mother's plea bounced cleanly off my eardrums and out the other side.

That was the ordinary Noh In-seong.

If the first step should be taken slowly, then it had to start with driving Siyeon to school, right?

"Mom, can I take Siyeon to school today?"

"...And what exactly do you think Siyeon is to you."

Third grade. School located directly behind the apartment. An astronomically blessed commuting situation.

As if the back gate connecting straight to the apartment weren't enough, the classrooms were practically embedded into the back-gate side of the building.

"A two-minute walk to school, and suddenly her big brother — who'll be known to everyone soon enough — shows up in a young girl's classroom?"

Setting myself aside — would Siyeon actually want that? Mother's raised eyebrow forced Noh In-seong into surrender.

"...Fine, fine, I'll just keep my head down. I'm apparently the neighborhood pariah now, huh."

The homeroom teacher should've been someone you just casually meet, but no — I had to go meet her with my hair flying through a salad bar. Truly.

But I have a Plan B, freshly minted from yesterday. She'll never see this coming.

"There's an observation class coming up, right? And I hear it's not far off."

Persuade Jeong Hwa-jeong first. Then, when I walk into that observation class, I'll rewire ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠every single one of those kids' minds.

"Off to school now—!"

"Alright, have a good one."

Siyeon offered her greeting as she stepped out the front door.

Hang in there for a little while longer. Soon, big brother will cut the Gordian knot in one clean stroke.

Noh In-seong looked at his sister with pitying eyes.

"...Why are you looking at me like I'm pathetic? Is this the 'poor kid who has to go to school on a weekday' treatment again?"

"...Oh. Right. Yes. Meanwhile your big brother is going to laze around all day, eat, and sleep. Aw, you poor thing."

I hate you, big brother! And with that, she slammed the door and stormed out. Noh In-seong watched her go with an enigmatic gaze.

Lazing around all day, of course, did not mean lounging on the bed enjoying the finer things in life.

Not when you were freeloading at your parents' house, at least.

Father had already left for work, and only Mother and Noh In-seong remained in the house? Then, automatically, what was bound to happen?

"Mommy needs to vacuum your sheets and your bed. Do you really think you should still be lying on ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠it? No. And something in your trash can—"

"Ah, Mom! I SAID I clean my own room!"

—I mean, what am I even doing, you filthy animal. This is grinding my bones to dust. Bones, ground... aigoo...!!

Whatever game you were playing, whatever movie you were watching — the moment the vacuum started roaring, you had to pause it all. A tragic fate.

That was why Noh In-seong had bolted out the door in his training clothes, wallet and phone clutched in hand.

"Ah, damn it. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠It's hot out here."

The grand plan — a nice movie or drama in an air-conditioned room all day, some rehab-friendly bodyweight exercise, then a nutrition-packed home-cooked dinner from Mom — had sailed off into the sunset.

All that remained was Noh In-seong, who'd fled in slippers, and the desolate silence of a holiday.

"...You know what, in that case, might as well just treat myself to a good-value hotel staycation. One night, two days."

I don't make crazy money yet, but I do have money on hand.

Comfy bed there too, and since it's hot, I could hit the hotel pool in the basement and swim some laps.

"They'll have a buffet in the hotel too... oh? That's actually pretty good."

It stung a little, abandoning his perfectly good room at home for this. But hey — if pheasant's off the menu, duck makes an acceptable compromise.

Noh In-seong began searching for hotels near the house.

"...But what does any of that have to do with YOU being all over the news right now, In-seong?"

"Ugh, dammit, I'm trying to eat here and you're making me mad."

Noh In-seong answered Song Jin-wook's question with profanity while the army stew broth bubbled between them.

As for the article itself — in a certain sense, it was exactly the kind of thing Noh In-seong would do.

"No, seriously, what the hell happened?"

"What happened? Simple. I'm minding my own business eating, and this middle-aged woman walks right up to me."

She said her son loves the Doubles, and since I'm a player, I should give an autograph.

For Noh In-seong, who needed to hit his daily caloric intake with a late lunch plus a snack thrown in, this was beyond absurd.

He was deep in battle-rations mode, shoveling bacon and scrambled eggs inside a hotel buffet — what kind of interruption was this?

"No, ma'am, the least you could do is ask politely first. Can't you see I'm in the middle of a meal?"

"Oh my! Is this how a PLAYER treats his fans? I'm posting this on social media!"

She huffed and puffed in a fit of righteous anger, and slammed her hand down right next to the plate of scrambled eggs Noh In-seong was shoveling into his mouth.

It was a decent move. The only problem was that the person she'd attempted it on was a man who could not have cared less about his public image.

"...Did you just assault my meal? Fan service? Fine! You want service? I'll SERVE you!"

SPLASH—!!

"KYAAAAH!"

And so the woman bore witness to a miracle: the replica jersey she'd bought for her son transformed, before her very eyes, into a Replica/Slurped.

"I work in a service industry for human beings. Serving mutts is not in my job description."

—This is not a pet hotel. Be gone from my sight.

Pointing a finger at her, Noh In-seong demanded immediate checkout.

"...You absolute lunatic."

Song Jin-wook clutched his head.

'Augh, this punk's at it again.'

"What? I signed autographs just fine for everyone else while I ate."

"And THAT is exactly why you made the news over something this trivial... you lunatic."

Confronted with Noh In-seong's shamelessness, Song Jin-wook silently piled ham onto his bowl, as if to say just shut up and eat this.

Such was the small, quiet prelude before the bus to Changwon.